魔兽世界官方领袖短篇英文版GallywixTradeSecretsofaTra.docx

魔兽世界官方领袖短篇英文版GallywixTradeSecretsofaTra.docx

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魔兽世界官方领袖短篇英文版GallywixTradeSecretsofaTra

Gallywix:

TradeSecretsofaTradePrince 

IntroductionbytheAuthor 

Hey,pal.TradePrinceGallywixhere.You’reholdingthisbookinyourhandsbecauseyouwannabelikeme.Whowouldn’t?

Thereain’tagoblinalivemorepowerfulanddangerousthanme.Icangiveyoueverythingyouneedtosucceed.

Butfirst,afriendlylegallybindingwarningjustforyou.

Ifyou’rereadingthisandhaven’tboughtthebookyet,that’sstealing.Youthinkthatbrowsingisavictimlesscrime?

Youthinkit’syourrightasacustomer?

You’dbedeadwrong,deadbeat!

It’sfreeloaderslikeyouwhodrovedownmyprofitmarginlastyearandkeptmefromaddinganediblefurniturewingontomymansion.Now,insteadofthechocolatecoucheswithfunnelcakepillowsIdeserve,Ihavefurnituremadeofsilk.Haveyouevertriedtoeatsilk?

Youevenknowwherethatstuffcomesfrom?

Aworm’scakehole,that’swhere!

Youneedtofixthis.Buymybook,ormyexplodingassassinswillhuntyoudownlikethethievingbilgeratyouare.

What,youdoubtme?

Havewemet?

Youdon’tbecometradeprincebymakingemptythreats.Thespotain’thereditarylikethatcushykingjobthosepink-skinnedhumansget.IfItoldyouthirty-twospieswerewatchingyoulickyourlipsnervouslyrightnow,you’dbetterbelieveit,pal.

Don’tbotherlookingaround.Youwon’tseethem.Stopwastingmytimeandriskingyourlife.Twentythousandgoldisacheappricetopayformylifestory.Andifyoureadpastthissentencewithoutbuyingthebook,I’lldevoteeveryinchofmyempiretodestroyingyou.Doyouunderstandme?

Good.Now,paythedamnsalesman.

Done?

Yousure?

Great.Well,thanksforbuyingmybook,sucker.Youwannabeatradeprince?

Iwantanarmyoffelreaverswithmyfacepaintedovertheirfists,butnegotiationswiththeBurningLegionfellthrough,soIguessneitheroneofusisgonnagetwhatwewant.

Whycan’tyoubeatradeprince?

Becausealltheslotsarefilledbygoblinsbetterthanyou,that’swhy.Youain’treadyyet,butdon’tworry.Youcametotherightgoblinforhelp.

Youmayhaveheardafewrumorsaboutme.“Gallywixbecametradeprincebyblowingup,sellingout,orjustsellingeveryoneheknew.WhenMountKajaroerupted,Gallywixhadtheonlyboat,andhechargedrefugeesthelow,lowpriceoftheirlifesavings.Hepackedthestarsofthegoblinaristocracylikesausagesintheholdandtriedtosellthemintoslavery.ThatmonsterGallywixbetrayedhisentireraceforabazillionmacaroons.”

Kindaterrible,huh?

Guesswhat?

It’salltrue.WhywouldIlieaboutthat?

InevercoverupthethingsI’mproudof.Iftheworldwasgonnasplitinhalftomorrow,I’dbuytheDarkPortal,slapatollboothonit,andchargerefugeesthelastoftheirpocketchange,theringsofftheirfingers,abiteoftheirsandwiches,andacontractualobligationtobuildmearocketpalaceintheskiesofNagrand.It’sthegoblinway!

Supplyanddemand!

Dealwithit!

But,hey.Youpaidforyourticket,andthisiswhatyouget:

thethreesecretsofthegreatesttradeprincethismudballhaseverseen.Theywon’ttakelongtotell.Infact,ifyouflipthroughthebook,you’llfindthatthelastthreehundredpagesarecopiesofoldnewspapersandrecipesforfishjerky.

Sorry,pal.Norefunds.

Secret1:

Don’tLetAnyoneTakeYourCookie 

Edit

OnthedayIturnedten,ItookoverthefamilytinkeringbusinessANDthelocalcrimesyndicate.Itwaseasierthansellingamirrortoabloodelf.Paycloseattention….

Mybirthdaybeganthewayeverymorningdid:

mypopalmostkilledme.

Notthatheevermeantto.Infact,thatwaskindoftheproblemwithhim.Nothinghedideverwentthewayhewanted,whichisnojokewhenyouworkwithexplosives.TheonlyshophecouldswingwassodeepinthebadpartoftheDrudgetownslumsthatevenTradePrinceMaldy’staxcollectorsweren’tsafe.Thelastonetovisitgotscammedoutofhisboots,jumped,insulted,tiedtoagunpowderbarrel,androlledbacktotheoldgoblinwithapoliterefusalletterbetweenhisteeth.

Mypopsawthelackoftaxesasafringebenefit.Isawthemuddystreetandtheirradiatedgarbage.Eventheratsweremovingout.Mypopthoughthewasgonnamakeitbigsomedaywithaworld-shakinginvention.Iknewitwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeheblewusup,andIhaddecidedthenightbeforetorunawayandbecomeapiratelikemyma.

I’dspentallnightpackingandplanning.Thefivemacaroonsstuffedinmytornbootsfeltlikeafortune.Mypopgotuparounddawnandstartedmessingaroundintheshop,talkingtohimself.Hisresearchanddevelopmentprocesshadthreestages—optimism,concern,andpanic—andthethirdonecouldleaveyoushortafewfingersandmostofyourskin.Hewasat2.9whenItiedmypackclosedandrammeditundermymoldymattress.

“Comeon,”hemutteredfromtheothersideoftwopaper-thinwalls.“Justalittlebittighter…tighter…whoops.Uh-oh.Oh,no.No!

Stop!

Kid!

Wakeupandgrabsomecover!

”

Iwearilyraisedmylead-linedpillowjustasateddybearwithorangefurandamechanicalfacerocketedthroughthewall.Itsawme,gaveashrillscreech,andexploded,flingingshrapneltornadoesineverydirection.

Footstepsthunderedupthedingyhall,andPopburstthroughmydoorway.Hedidn’tknockfirst,butnotbecausehewasinarush.Napalmhadmeltedthedoorlastmonth.

“Youokay,kiddo?

Didyouseeit?

Aperfecttest!

Horizontalburn,targetlockedon,agyroscopicspin,anddetonation!

Theunionsaidusingmicrobombsfornavigationandrocketfuelforthrustwouldmelttheentireneighborhood,butweshowedth—”

Itossedmyshredded,clankingpillowtothefloor.

“Thatwastheonlyprototype,right?

”

“Well,yeah,but—”

“Andtheblueprintswere…?

”Iasked,trailingofftolethimanswer.Ihadalotofexperiencetalkingtohim.

“Stolenbyamechanicalchicken.”

Thatwasnew,buthewasn’tgonnasidetrackme.

“Soyoucan’tbuilditagain,right?

”

Heopenedhismouthforasnappycomeback.Thenhiseyeswidenedinhorror.Inodded.Themorningroutinewascomplete.Timetogetsomebreakfastandhittheroad.

“Doesn’tmatter,kiddo.Iunderstandtheprinciplenow.Explosiveshiddeninlovableobjectsareacompletelyunexploredmarket.We’regonnaberich!

”

“Pop,theonlywaywe’regonnastopbeingpoorisifyoublowusup,”Isnapped.

“That’snotfair,Jastor.It’sonlyamatteroftime.”

“Youknowwhat?

You’reright.Youwillkillusbothsomeday,Pop.Ibelieveinyou.”

“Hey!

There’splentyofgoblinkidsouttherewhowishtheirparentsweretinkers.WhenIwasyourage,Iusedtodream—”

“Really,Pop?

Thisstoryagain?

”

“—myparentswouldquitshovelingsewersandblowafewthingsup.Youworrymewhenyoutalkaboutbeingafraidofexplosions.It’snotgoblin.”

“No!

Youknowwhat’snotgoblin?

Havingakidandtellinghimto‘goplay'.Youknowwhattheproblemis?

There’snoonetoplaywith!

Jelkyhastospendalldaybraidingfuses.Druzwakesupatdawntomixcement.Doyouknowhowembarrassingitisthatmyownpopwon’tforcemetoworkforhim?

”

Popthrewhishandsupintheairandheadedbackdowntheshorthallwaytotheshop.

“Tellyouwhat,”hecalled.“Whydon’tyouleaverunningthebusinesstome,andI’llleavetheSugarpackcookieoverheretothefirstkidwithabirthdaywhocomesby.”

“I’mprettysureyougottasellthingsonceinawhiletohaveabusiness!

”Ishoutedafterhim,butmyheartwasn’tinit.Sugarpack!

Chowfortheroad!

“Youthinkyoucandobetter?

”hesaidfromtheshop.“Youcantryanytimeyouwa—uh,hello,gents.”

Mypophadcustomers,soundedlike.Itookitasagoodomenformytrip.Ifsomethingasunlikelyasbusinesscouldoccurinmypop’sshop,I’dhavenoproblemfindingashipoutofKezan;hell,Icouldprobablyfindatamesharkwho’dtakemetoamagicalislandmadeofcupcakesandplatinum.Istumpeddownthehallforthecookie.

TheSugarpackBakeryain’taroundanymore.AfewyearsbeforetheorcsarrivedinAzeroth,thecornershopwasslightlybombedduringTradeWarII,thoroughlybombedinTradeWarIV,andmeltedduringthePeaceWar.Thewholeneighborhoodsmelledlikeburntsugarandbodypartsforamonth.Buthere’sthething:

ifyou’veneverhadcookiesfromtheSugarpackBakery,you’veneverhadrealcookies.Period.

Theywerebigenoughtoholdintwohandsandalittlebrownedaroundtheouteredge.Chocolatechunksthesizeofanogre’sfist.Touchofcinnamonandcrystalsugar.AndIonlygotoneayear.

Ifrozeneartheendofthehallwayandhidinthehalfshadows.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.Nocustomers.Skezzoandhisgoonsweretryingtoshakedownmypopagain.

InDrudgetown,eventhecriminalswerenearlybroke,andtheCopperStreetGangwasnoexception.IcanstillseethatidiotSkezzowithhisfakegoldearringsandsmellypatchworksuit.Theonlyworthwhilethingheeverdidwastanglewithme.

Heshovedmypopagainsthisthree-and-a-half-leggedworkbench.Neartheotherend,mycookiewobbledonouronlyplate.Ihissed,butIwasn’ttooproudtoeatthethingoffthefloorifIhadto.Youwouldhavetoo,believeme.

“Whatarewegonnadowithyou,Luzik?

”Skezzosaid.“Youneverpayusontime.Youneverpayusatall.IwouldhatetohaveLumpocomebackheretomorrowandblowup…”Skezzotrailedoffashefailedtofindanythingofvalueinsightexceptarollofdynamite,which,asyoumight’veheard,issupposedtoexplode.

“Look,I’msorry,”mypopsaid.“Money’sbeentight.Ibarelyhaveenoughmoneyforsupplies!

”

“Andsweets,lookslike,”Skezzosaid,reachingpasthimtosnatch…

Up.

My.

Cookie.

“Paymeeverythingyouowebytonight,”hesaid,stuffingitinhismouth.Pricelesscrumbsraineddownonhisgreasylapel.“OrI’llburn