TEXTBOOK ONLINE CLARITY.docx

TEXTBOOK ONLINE CLARITY.docx

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TEXTBOOKONLINECLARITY

SentenceClarity

Ifthere'sonewritingqualitythatNutsandBoltsemphasizesmorethananyother,it'sclarity.Beingclearinyourthoughtsandyourwords—sayingwhatyouactuallyintendtosay,anddoingitinsuchawaythatyourreaderunderstandsyou—isyourhighestdutyasanexpositorywriter,moreimportantthanbeautyoreleganceorevenoriginality.Withoutclarityyou'renotreallycommunicating,justgoingthroughthemotions.

Andyetmanystudentsuseawritingstylethatmakesclaritydifficultorimpossibletoachieve:

insteadofshortactiveverbs（toconveyaction）,subjectsthatmatchupwiththeiractors（tobringthemainactionintothecentralsubject-verbstructureoftheirsentences）,concision（tokeepthereaderfocusedonwhatreallymatters）,andasustainedflowofsentencesfromasinglepointofview（tokeepthestoryunfoldinginawaythereadercanfolloweasily）,manystudentschoosetheoppositeapproachoneachofthesepoints:

passivevoice,beingverbs,nominalizations,wordiness,andherky-jerkyjumpsinpointofviewandtime.Thiswordy,inertstylemakesithardforthewritertoconveywhatshemeans—oreventoknowwhatshemeans,asGoethesuggests.

 Sayingwhatyoumean

You'vegottobeabletosaywhatyoumean.Ifyoudon'tgetitright,youmightendupimmortalizedinthosejokelistsflittingaroundcyberspace,liketheseselectionsofmangledEnglishonsignsfromvariouscountries:

InaGreekhotel:

Visitorsareexpectedtocomplainattheofficebetweenthehoursof9and11a.m.daily.

InaZurichhotel:

Becauseoftheimproprietyofentertainingguestsoftheoppositesexinthebedroomitissuggestedthatthelobbybeusedforthispurpose.

InaRomanlaundry:

Ladies,leaveyourclotheshereandspendtheafternoonhavingagoodtime.

AtaSwissmountaininn:

Specialtoday—noicecream.

InaNorwegiancocktaillounge:

Ladiesarerequestednottohavechildreninthebar.

AttheBudapestzoo:

Pleasedonotfeedtheanimals.Ifyouhaveanysuitablefood,giveittotheguardonduty.

InaParishotel:

Pleaseleaveyourvaluesatthefrontdesk.

Atleastthesesentenceshaveagoodexcuse:

theywerewritteninasecondlanguage.Moststudentsdon'thavethattofallbackon,butovertheyearsI'veseenstudentwritingthatmakestheseexamplesreadlikeHemingway.

 Actionsandverbs

Onereasonwhysomanystudentswriteopaquelyisthatalotofthemodelstheyencounteraren'tverygood.Morethanafewacademicwritersbecomesoburdenedbythetermsandconceptstheywishtousethattheirwritingbecomesafrozenslurryofactionlessnounspiledoneatopanother.Here,forexample,isapieceofpublishedacademicwriting,onphilosophy:

IndeeddialecticalcriticalrealismmaybeseenundertheaspectofFoucauldianstrategicreversal—oftheunholytrinityofParmenidean/Platonic/Aristoteleanprovenance;oftheCartesian-Lockean-Humean-Kantianparadigm,offoundationalisms（inpractice,fideisticfoundationalisms）andirrationalisms（inpractice,capriciousexercisesofthewill-to-powerorsomeotherideologicallyand/orpsycho-somaticallyburiedsource）newandoldalike;oftheprimordialfailingofwesternphilosophy,ontologicalmonovalence,anditscloseally,theepistemicfallacywithitsonticdual;oftheanalyticproblematiclaiddownbyPlato,whichHegelservedonlytoreplicateinhisactualistmonovalentanalyticreinstatementintransfigurativereconcilingdialecticalconnection,whileinhishubristicclaimsforabsoluteidealismheinauguratedtheComtean,KierkegaardianandNietzscheaneclipsesofreason,replicatingthefundamentsofpositivismthroughitstransmutationroutetothesuperidealismofaBaudrillard.

It'shardtofindanyactioninthismonumentalsentence.There'sthatearlymaybeseenandafewmoreverbs,evenafewsubject-verbcoreslikeHegelservedtoreplicateandheinaugurated.Butthere'snosenseofanyactioninthepassage.ItslackofclarityissoprofoundthatwhateverbrilliantinsightsitmayhaveareGreektous.I'mnotsureevenNutsandBoltscouldfixthis,butifwetriedourinitialtackwouldbetohavefewerlabelsandmoreclausesbuiltaroundactiveverbsandclearactorsdoingsomething.

Ifprofessionalscholarscanproducestufflikethat,it'snowonderstudentslearntoavoidsayingthingsplainly.Here'sanexampleofastudentreluctanttosaysomethingintheplainest,mostnaturalway.ThisisthefirstsentenceofanessayandIthinkshewasreluctanttostarttooplainly.Sosheendsupwithsomethingthatthereaderhasatoughtimeunderstanding:

MachiavellibestsupportsrepublicsinTheDiscourses.

Thereaderstumblesoverbestsupports.Whatdoesbestmeanhere?

HowdoesMachiavellisupportrepublicsinTheDiscourses?

Theanswertakesawhiletofigureout,andonlyifyouknowtheinsidestory.OneideathestudentwasstrugglingtoexpresswasthatMachiavellipraisesrepublicsinTheDiscourses,butnotinhismorefamousbook,ThePrince.Thatexplainsthebestsupports.ButofcoursethisisonlycleartothosewhoknowMachiavelliwell,andeventhosepeopledon'tgetanyhintfromthesentencethatthey'resupposedtocomparethesetwoworks.

Aswemulloverwaystoclarifythis,werealizethatratherthanexplainingthismostlyhiddencontrastbetweenTheDiscoursesandThePrincewecanjusteliminateit,becauseit'snotthepointofthisessay.Withtheimplicitcontrastbetweenthetwoworksnotsomethingweneedtopreserve,wecanworkonfindingabetterverbthansupports:

MachiavellipraisesrepublicsinTheDiscourses.

Therestoftheoriginalopeningparagraphshowsasimilarreluctancetosaythingsplainly:

ORIGINAL

REVISION

MachiavellibestsupportsrepublicsinTheDiscourses.HisfavoriterepublicisancientRome.Heexplainsandsupportshisadmirationinthiswork.ThetwomajoraspectsthatMachiavellidiscussesarethattheRomanswereagreatempireandthattheyhadapowerfularmy.

MachiavellipraisesrepublicsinTheDiscourses.AboveallhepraisestheRomanrepublic,becauseithadapowerfularmyandconqueredandheldavastempire.

Therevisiongetsridofconstructionslikebestsupports,explainsandsupports,twomajoraspectsandthatMachiavellidiscusses.Formal,clankyconstructionslikethisarefatalluresforstudents.Theysoundsodignifiedandcollegiate:

butinfacttheyunderminewhatyoucouldhavesaidmoreplainlyandeffectively.Notethattherevisionreliesongood,strongverbs:

praises（twice）,had,conquered,andheld.

Comparethesetothemuchmoreinertverbsintheoriginal.

Finally,notethatthetwopassageshavethesamebasicideas,butthattherevisionreordersandexpandsakeypartoftheargument.Theoriginalversionhadgivenasalistofmajoraspects（whateverexactlythatmeans）thatRomewasanempireandhadastrongarmy.Therevisionflipstheorderofthesearound,sincehavingastrongarmyallowedRometoacquiretheempire.AndwhiletheoriginalmerelysaystheRomanswereagreatempire,therevisionturnsthisidentityintoanaction,orrathertwoactions,conqueredandheld.UsingthesetwoactiveverbshelpsusthinkofRomeasanactor—verymuchinkeepingwithMachiavelli'saction-orientedthinking.Andsplittingtheactionintotwopartshelpsusplanwherewe'regoingtogowiththeargument.

Here'saninstanceofsomethingsimilar—gainingclaritybybreakingasentenceintoeasier-to-understandpieces:

ORIGINAL

REVISION

Today,societyiswitnessingthesteadyprogressionofwomentowardsequalitywiththeirincreasingpresenceintheworkingworldandingovernmentandtheirgradualmoveoutsidethehome.

Today,societyiswitnessingwomen'ssteadyprogressiontowardsequality.Movingbeyondthelimitsofthehome,womenareclaimingnewandincreasingauthorityingovernment,business,andotherhistoricallymale-dominatedareas.

Thebasicideaoftherevisionistobuildgrammaticalunitsaroundlogicalunitsbyputtingactionsintoverbsandactorsintosubjects.Intheoriginal,womenwasthelogicalactor,butgrammaticallyitwastheobjectofapreposition:

ofwomen.Intherevision,womenbecomesthesubjectoftheverbinthesecondsentence:

womenareclaiming.Therevisionthenbuildsitsargumentaroundthatcoresubject-verbclause.

True,therevisionislonger,butinandofitselfthat'snotveryimportant.Itreadsmoreeasily,hassomerhythm,andletsthereaderpause:

amucheasier-to-readopening.（Notethatthefirstsentenceoftherevisionissimpleandgeneral,andthesecondstartsdevelopingthedetailedargument.That'sapatterngoodwritersusealot.）

Failingtoattachverbstorealactorshappensallthetimeinstudentwriting.Here'saweak-verbedoriginaldiscussingMachiavelli,andastrongerrevisionthatmakesMachiavellithegrammaticalsubject:

ORIGINAL

REVISION

Machiavelli'sviewofChristianitycomesfromapoliticalstandpoint.Moralityistakenintolittleconsiderationwhenhespeaksofreligion.

Machiavellijudgesreligionfromapoliticalratherthanamoralstandpoint.

Let'sdiagnosethechangesabit.Theoriginalflip-flopsitspointofview.Youdon'tfeelthatyou'restandingonsolidgroundwhenyoureadit;itfeelsasifyou'rebeingyankednowhere（aviewiscoming）,nowhere（someoneorsomethingistakingmorality）,nowthere（hespeaks）.Theoriginalalsotreatsactionsasabstractionsdivorcedfromtheirdoers（viewcomesfromandmoralityistakenleaveusfuzzyonthatkeyquestion,whoisdoingwhat）.

Bycontrast,therevisionholdsaconsistentpointofviewandbuildsaroundarealsubjectperformingrealaction（Machiavellijudges）.Notcoincidentally,therevisioncompressestheoriginalfrom