South Park811.docx

South Park811.docx

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SouthPark811

SouthPark

8.11-QuestForRatings

[Anannouncerintroducesthenewsoversomeaction-typemusic]

Announcer:

Thisisclosed-circuittelevisionforSouthParkElementarySchool.Andnow,SuperSchoolNews.Newsmadeforstudents,bystudents.

Jimmy:

WelcometoSsuperSchoolNews.I'mJimmyValmer.

Cartman:

AndI'mRickCartman.

Jimmy:

ThepriceofmilkmoneywillgoupnextMondayto49cents.TheschoolclaimstheaddedmoneyisduetothecowshortageinSouthParkCounty.

Cartman:

Parent-teacherconferenceswillbeheldthisWednesdaynight,fromseventonine.Sokids,getalotofplayinginbeforeyougetgrounded.Andnow,foralookatwhat'sonthemenuforschoollunchtoday,here'sStanMarsh.

[Reportingfromthecafeteria,Stan.]

Stan:

Eric,itlooksasthoughtheschoolwillbeservingachickencutlet.Nowthat'straditionallyauh,awhitemeatchicken...breast,ifyouwill,thathasbeenbreaded,andthencooked.I'vebeentoldtherewillalsobetater-tots,andavegetabledish.Thisisreallyshapinguptobeaahahonefantasticlunch.Eric?

Cartman:

[seriouspose]...Hard-hittingreporting,Stan.Thanksalot.Andnow,herewiththecelebritywatchisButtersStotch.Butters,seenanycelebrities?

[Reportingfromthesidewalkinfrontoftheschool,Butters.]

Butters:

Nu-noo,notyet.I'vebeenstandin'outinfrontoftheschoolforabout...twohoursnowah,andIhaven'tseenanycelebrities.UhaboutthirtyminutesagoIthoughtIsawSigourneyWeaver,butihihturn-itturnsoutitwasadeadhorse.

Cartman:

Allright,Butters,keepyoureyesopen.

Butters:

[overaspeaker]Willdo.

Jimmy:

MoresnowforSouthP...p-pPark.Here'sTokenBlackwiththeweather.

Token:

[infrontofaweathermap]JimmyandEric,itlookslikeamassivesnowstormisheadedSouthPark'sway.IaskedmydadlastnightandhesaidthatheheardthesnowstormisexpectedonTuesday.Guys?

Cartman:

KyleBroflovskinowjoinsusforalookatsports.AndKyle,thegirls'basketballteamjustcan'tgetitright.

Kyle:

[atasmalldesk,forSports]AnotherdevastatinglossfortheCowslastnight,Eric.TheywereaheadinthegameuntilKellyAndersoncryingbecauseshemissedherdaddy,who'sonabusinesstripinThailand.Uh,Kellywassoupsetshecouldn'tplay,andtheCowshadtoforfeit.

Cartman:

CowsareonasixandOslidesinceKelly'sfatherleftforthatbusinesstrip.

Jimmy:

Andthat'sallforSuperSchoolNews.EnjoyyourdayatSouthParkEh-...eh-...eh-...eh-[lilts]ehehehehe[normal]eh-...Elementary.

Stan:

[returningfromthekitchentoserveascameraman]Andwe'recut!

[turnsoffthecamera]

Cartman:

Allright,nicereporting,guys.Nice.[thereportersgatherinstudio]

Butters:

Boy,thatwasaGREATepisode!

Stan:

Yeah,Ithinkthatwasoneofourbestshowsyet.

Man:

[entersthestudio]Boys,I'mafraidIhavesomebadnews.Theschoolhastocancelyourshow?

Kyle:

What?

?

Jimmy:

ForGod'ssake,Mr.M-m-Meryl?

Mr.Meryl:

Well,thestudentsjustaren'twatchingya.Yourratingwasonlyafourthiswholeweek.

Cartman:

Howmanystudentsisthat?

Mr.Meryl:

Four.[holdsupfourfingers]Fourstudentswatchyourshow.Andmeanwhile,Craig'sshowisgettinga57!

Stan:

...Craig'sshow?

?

Cartman:

Whatisthatbuttholedoingnow?

!

Mr.Meryl:

O-hoh,it'sbrilliant!

It'salljustvideofootageofanimalsclose-upwithawideanglelens.[popsaVHStapeintotheplayerandthevideostarts]

Clyde:

[ontape,asthenameoftheshowisdisplayed]AnimalsClose-UpWithAWideAngleLens.[thevideogoesontoshowclose-upsofdogsandcats.]

Stan:

Butthat's...that'scrap!

That'snotevenTV!

Mr.Meryl:

It'swhatthestudentswant,andit'scheapertomakethanyorushow.Justonepersonandavideocamera.Craigisagenius.Uhsorry,kids.[walksbetweenandpastthem]

Jimmy:

[stoppingMr.Meryl]But,Mr.Meryl,we'retryingtobringthenewstothestudents.Theyneedtoknowthefacts,andournewsteamthem,verymuch.

Mr.Meryl:

Kidsdon'tcareaboutthenews,boys.It'sboring.Kidswannaseeanimals,close-up,withawideanglelens.

Cartman:

Please,Mr.Meryl,but,thenewsisourlife.Withotit,wehavenothing.

Mr.Meryl:

I'msorry,kids.Y-y-youshouldbeproudofwhatyou'vedone.It'sjustthatit'skindofgay.[walksoff]

Cartman:

...You'regay!

!

[Whistlin'Willy'sPizzaGulch,day.Theboysareseatedforlunch:

Jimmy,Butters,Cartman,Stan,Kyle,andToken.Otherkidsarethereaswell.]

Butters:

[hisheadrestingonhisrighthand]Geewhiz.Wesureworkedhardonthatnewshow.

Stan:

Apparentlyitdoesn'tmatterhowhardyouwork.

Whistlin'Willy:

[approachesthetable]Helloboys,readytodosomewhistlin'?

[beginstowhistle]

Cartman:

Fuckoff,Whistlin'Willy.We'renotinthemood.

Whistlin'Willy:

[enthusiatically]Ifyouwantapizza,you'vegottawhistle.[whistles]Comeon!

[whistlessomemore,thenstops.Theboyswhistleback,butslowlyandflatly]Thereyougo!

[setsthepizzadownonthetableandleaves]

Cartman:

[softly]God,IwishwehadaPizzaHutinSouthPark!

Stan:

[lookatCartman,butnoticessomeoneelse]Heylook,Craigjustwalkedin.[Craigenterstocheersfromtheotherkidsintherestaurantandwavesbacktothem.SeveralkidstakepicturesofCraig]

Kid1:

Yeah!

Kid2:

Heylook,it'sCraig!

Kevin:

Hey,Craig,overhere!

Kyle:

Geez,andallthatfromastupidvideoshow.

Craig:

[seestheotherboysandaddressesthem]Ohheyguys.Heardaboutyournewsshowbeingcancelled.

Cartman:

Goplaywithyourself,Craig.

Craig:

Yeah,well,I'vegotanoveralldealwiththeschool,heh.They'repayingmesixdollarsaweektocomeupwithnewshows.

Stan:

Yourideatookaboutthismuchthought,Craig!

[holdsupafistwiththumbandindexfingerjustacentimeterapart]

Craig:

[throwsthegesturebackatStan]Thismuchmorethanyouhad!

[walksoffwithhisfans.TheyheadtoWilly'sVIPLounge,whichisjustalargecornerbooth.AwaiterguardsaccesstotheloungeandCraigapproaches.]Hey,aroundofrootbeersforeveryone!

Onme!

[theotherkidscheerandthewaiteropensthelounge.Thekidspourintoplace,includingKenny.]

Kenny:

（Woohoo!

）

Cartman:

[catchesuptoKenny]Kenny,whatthehellareyoudoingwiththisasshole?

?

Kenny:

（Craigjustaskedmetodohisshow,geez.）

Cartman:

You'rehelpingCraigmakehisshow?

!

Ican'tbelieveyouwouldbetrayuslikethat?

!

We'vealwaysbeensupercooltoyou!

[KennyflashesbacktoCartmangloatingabouttheirnewsshow:

"Hahahahahaaahaaa!

/We'regonnadoanewsshow/andyoucan'tdoitwithus/becauseyouaretoopoo-oor/andpoorpeopledon'twatchthenew-oos/Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa."Theflashbackends]Ahwhatever,Kenny!

[walksaway]

Craig:

Heygang,Ibroughtthenewepisodeofwideangleclose-upanimals.[thekidscheeragain.ClydewalksupandtakesthetapefromCraig]

Clyde:

[excitedlyrunstowardsthevideowall]Putit,putituponthe,monitors!

[putsthetapeintotheplayerandmoreclose-upfootageofanimalsisshown]

Kids:

Cuuute.[akitten'sfaceisshown]Supercuuute.

Kyle:

[turnsbacktothetable]Gah,Ijustdon'tgetit.

Token:

Wow,thoseanimalsareprettycute.

Stan:

Token!

Now,comeon,guys!

WeworkedtoohardtojustrolloverforCraigandhisstupidoveralldeal.Insteadofsittingherefeelingsorryforourselves,wejustneedtofigureouthowtomakeourshowbetter!

Kyle:

Yeah.Maybeifwecangethigherratingsbytheendoftheweek,he'llletusstayontheair!

Butters:

Well,whatarewewaitin'for?

!

Stan:

Comeon,guys!

[theboysleave]

[StudentConferenceRoom1-F,later.Inside,Asignabovethechalkboardreads"IdeaRoom."Cartmanhashisfeetuponthetable.Stanpacesthefloor.]

Stan:

Allright,weallneedtocomeupwithideasforourshow.

Kyle:

Howaboutwerevampthename?

SuperSchoolNewssoundsdry.

Cartman:

ItshouldbeSexyNews.

Token:

ActionNews.

Stan:

Yeah,SexyAction,that'sgood.

Kyle:

Maybetheproblemiswedon'thaveverygoodstoriestoreporton.

Cartman:

Right.Weshouldmakeupstories,becausethey'llbefarmoreinteresting.

Butters:

Hey,yeah.UhwhyIcouldsayIsawcelebritieseventhoughIdidn't,a-a-andthenlieaboutwhatIsawthemdoing.

Cartman:

Gosh,Butters,writethatdown!

Butters:

[enunciateseachwordashewritesit]Lieaboutcelebrities.

Stan:

Wehavetoappealtoallthestudents,sowe,weneedhotgirlsforthesixthgraders...

Cartman:

Andpandabearsforthepreschoolers.

Stan:

Good!

Kyle:

Maybeweneedtomakestudentsthinktheyhavetowatchournewsshoworthey'lldie.

Token:

Yeah!

Weshouldmakeupabunchofreportsabouthowdangerousitistobealive.

Butters:

Ohboy!

Jimmy:

Fellas,areyousureallofthisieeh-ethical?

Cartman:

We'reinfourthgrade,Timmy.Wedon'tevenknowwhatethicalmeans.

Stan:

Allright,SexyActionSchoolNewsTeam,it'stimetogotowork.Getoutthereandgetsomestories!

Butters:

SexyActionSchoolNewsTeam,ho!

[theboysleavetheirseatsandheadoutthedoors.CartmanstopsToken]

Cartman:

Ah,Token,canIhaveaquickwordwithyou?

[takesTokenbythearmandwalkshimawayfromthedoor]Look,Token,I,Iknowtheguysarehavingtroublebringingthisupwithyou,butuh...Wellthethingis,Token,we...wereallyneedtorevampyourwholeTVpersona.

Token:

Huh?

Cartman:

YouseeToken,peoplereallyenjoyseeingAfrican-Americansonthenews...SeeingAfrican-Americansonthenews,nothearingthem.That'swhyallAfrican-Americansnewspeoplelea