Modern Family 台词112Not In My House.docx
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ModernFamily台词112NotInMyHouse
Phil:
Beautifulmorning,isn'tit?
It'sashameyouhavetowork,huh?
Anyway,Iwouldlikealargesausageandpepperoni
Haley:
Hey,move.
Alex:
It'smystuff!
Okay?
Haley:
Justkeepyourhandsoffmystuff!
Phil:
Hey!
Alex:
Ididn'tputmyhandsonyourstuff!
Phil:
Hey!
Justasecond,Derek.Whatistheproblem?
Haley:
Alexreadmyjournal.
Alex:
Ididnot!
WhywouldIevenwanttoreadyourstupidjournal?
Haley:
Becauseitcontainsthedetailsofalife,Andyodon'thaveone!
Alex:
Ohh!
Phil:
Alex,don'treadHaley'sjournal.
Alex:
Uhh!
Phil:
Sorry.Mydaughters.Yougotkids?
Oh.Whatgradeareyouin?
Claire:
Phil!
Phil:
Oh,that'smywife,Claire.
Claire:
Lukewasusingmycomputer.Forthis.
Phil:
I'mgonnahaveto,uh,callyouback.
Claire:
Hetoldmeheneededittodohomework,AndthenIfindthis...A-apictureofatoplesswoman,WiththebiggestboobsIhaveeverseen,Drivingatractor.
Phil:
Okay,um,uh,firstofall,That'sacombine,notatractor.
Claire:
Phil!
Phil,itissmut,andour10-year-oldislookingatsmut!
It'sdisgusting!
Phil:
Completelyunacceptable.
Phil:
Here'sthething...thatwasmypicture.Well,notreallymine.There'sthisguyatworkwhosendsouttheselinks.Does...doesn'tmatterwho.GilThorpe.HesentoutanotheroneOfthesamewomandressedasabattleship.Youknow,the...youget...yeah.Andthenoneofthetransformers.Andthenit...it...Anyway,IhadeveryintentionoftellingClaire.Ijustwantedhertocalmdownfirst.
Phil:
Whereareyougoing?
Claire:
I'mgoingtopickupLukefromhissleepover.Weneedtotalktohimaboutthisnow.
Phil:
Claire,thisisaverydelicatesituation.Ifwedon'thandleitright,Lukemightenduphavinganunhealthyattitudeaboutsex.Oragribusiness.We'lltalkaboutitwhenhegetshome.
Claire:
Okay.Fine.ButIamtellinghimthateverytimehelooksatporn,Godkillsapuppy.
Phil:
MaybeIshouldbetheonetotalktohim.
Gloria:
Iamaveryluckywoman.Ihaveawonderfulfamily,abeautifulhome.There'snothingthatIwouldchange.Ihatethedogbutler.Ikeepforgettingit'sthere,Andeverytimeithappens,itscaresmealloveragain.Sometimes,atnight,Ithinkit'sthedevil.Eldiablo.
Jay:
Barkley?
He'shilarious.IwasinVegaslastmonth,andIwaswinning......AndIthought,Icoulddotheusual...Beachump,givethemoneybacktothecasino...OrIcoulddosomethingsmartandbuysomethingformyselfatthecasinostore.He'salreadyafamilyfavorite.
Jay:
Rubhischinalittleunderthere.Helikesthat.Thereyougo.Beautiful.Thereyougo.
Jay:
He'sadogandabutler.Imean,whocouldn'tlovehim?
Gloria:
Stupiddog.
[OPENINGCREDITS]
Cameron:
Okay,readytogo.
Mitchell:
Oh,makesureyoupeefirst.
Cameron:
WhatamI,7yearsold?
Mitchell:
No,youdonotwanttogoduringtheshow.Themarionettesstopwhatthey'redoing,Marchtotheedgeofthestage,andpointatyou.
Cameron:
Okay,thatsoundsterrifying.
Mitchell:
It'sreallyfunny.
Mitchell:
Oh,oneofmyfavoritechildhoodmemoriesWasattendingthemoscowmarionettetheater.
Cameron:
IgrewuponemileawayfromMissouri'slargestwaterslide,andthird-largestinthecountry.
Mitchell:
Oh,really?
Cam,younevermentionedthatbefore.
Cameron:
Youfeel...
Mitchell:
...Feellikeatorpedo.
Mitchell:
Hey,Cam,doesthegardenerusuallyworkonSaturdays?
Cameron:
Idon'tknow.Hecomeswhenweneedhim.He'slikebatman,butstraight.Ishecrying?
Mitchell:
Oh,yeah.Weshouldprobably...Probablygoouttheback,huh?
Cameron:
He'sclearlyinpain.Howcanyoujustturnyourbackonafriendlikethat?
Mitchell:
Afriend?
Really?
Yeah.W-what'shisname?
Cameron:
Cesarsal...Azar.
Mitchell:
Youmadethatup.Youweregonnasay"caesarsalad."
Cameron:
Wasnot.
Mitchell:
Cam.Comeon.Really?
ugh.Allright,don'tworry,Lily.I'msurewe'llgettotheshowontime.I'msuredadisjustgonnagooutandgiveanencouragingwordtothegardener,Hopefullymentionthesnailproblem,Andthenwearegonnabe...No.No,no.Cam,no.Hello.
Cameron:
Idon'tthinkhespeaksEnglish.
Mitchell:
Okay,thismightbeagoodtimetomentiontoyouthatthemarionettesarenotkindtolatecomers.Theybendoverandshowtheirbloomers.
Cameron:
Okay,IspeakalittleSpanish.¿señor,tegustaríahacerelaguaytenemosnuestracama?
Cesar:
Gracias.
Mitchell:
Whatwasthat?
Cameron:
Ijustaskedhimifhewantedtohaveaglassofwaterandsitdownforaminute,Likeanykindpersonwould.
Claire:
Ididn'tfindanymoreporn.
Phil:
Thatwashardlyporn.Itwasatoplesswomanonatractor.YouknowwhattheycallthatinEurope?
Acerealcommercial.
Claire:
Ishouldgotalktohim.
Phil:
Honey,honey,honey,Igotthis!
Igotthis!
No,no,no,no,no.I-Igotthis.Igotthis.Iwashisageonce.Breastsarelikethesescarymysticalthingsthathe'sdrawnto,likeFrodotoMordor.
Claire:
Okay,I'mdefinitelygoingtotalktohim.
Phil:
No,no,no,no!
Boysdon'twanttheirmomstalkingtothemaboutsexanymorethangirlswanttheirdadstalkingtothemaboutperiods,bras,andgirdlesandallthatstuff.
Claire:
Youdoknowthatwomenstoppedwearinggirdleslike30yearsago,right?
Phil:
Honey,Iknow.Iknow.That...thatis...thatisexactlythekindofsexualrevolutionThatoursonisgoingthroughrightnow,So...Just...let'sjust...justtrustit. Fixthatstep.JustknowIwillhandlethis,okay?
Gloria:
DelDiablo!
Jay:
Hey,Gloria,doyouhaveanyideawhyBarkleywasintheguestroom?
Gloria:
Iwasjustdoingalittleredecorating.Sometimesit'sgoodtomovethingsaroundjusttoseehowtheylook.
Jay:
Yeah,buttheguestroom...that'scrazy.He'snotaguest.Heworksforus.Hey,givemeahandhere,willyou?
IthinkhisjacketshiftedwhileIwasmovinghim.Wecan'thaveyouuntucked,ourlittlebutler.Thatdoesn'tmakeanysense,doesit,boy?
Gloria:
ay!
Jay:
"ay"?
Whatwasthat?
Isheallright?
Gloria:
Ay,no.Mybraceletgotcaughtalittlebithere.
Jay:
Well,don'tpanic.
Gloria:
I'mnotpanicking.
Jay:
Allright,trytorelax.Wecanfixhim.Letmetakeabetterlook.Comehere,boy.
Phil:
Luke?
Luke:
Hey,dad.Hey,buddy.
Phil:
Um...Look,YouandIneedtohavealittletalk.
Luke:
Aboutwhat?
Phil:
Well,it'saboutcomputerstuff.Um...Howdoyoumakesureyou'vedeletedsomethingafteryoureadit?
Gloria:
Sorry,Jay.Itwasanaccident.
Jay:
Youknow,I'mbeginningtothinkyoudon'tlikeBarkleythatmuch.Imean,firstyouhidehimintheguestroom,Andnowthis.
Gloria:
It'sridiculous!
Ididn'tmeantohurtit!
Jay:
Firstofall,let'scutthe"its."Heisahe.Andyoucanpretendtobeinnocentallyouwant,butactionspeakslouderthanwords.
Gloria:
Yeah.Theycanbeveryrevealing.
Jay:
Whatareyoutryingtosay?
Gloria:
Nothing,butyouhavetoadmitthatthedogbutlerisalittleridiculous.
Jay:
YouknowwhatelseIthinkisridiculous?
Thatmountainofpillowsyouhaveonourbed.IfeellikeI'mworkingonaloadingdockjusttryingtogetunderthecovers.
Gloria:
They'repretty.
Jay:
They'readamnnuisance.
Gloria:
Okay,forgivemefortryingtomakeourhomebeautiful.
Jay:
Well,youknow,ifIcanputupwiththose,youcanputupwithapieceofart.
Gloria:
Thisisnotart.It'sanunholymixbetweenmanandbeast.Butfine.Ifyouloveitsomuch,putitwhereveryouwant.
Jay:
Thankyou.Whereyougoing,togetsomemorepillows?
Gloria:
No,don'tworry.It'llbealongtimebeforeIbotheryouagainwithmypillows.
Alex:
WhyisdadinLuke'sroomwiththedoorclosed?
Claire:
Theyarehavingalittletalk.
Alex:
IsLukebeingpunished?
Claire:
Isthatyourfavoritething,Whenyourbrotherorsistergetsintotrouble?
Alex:
Myfavoriteiswhenthey'rebothintrouble.So,what'dhedo?
Didhecheatonatest?
He'sacheater.
Claire:
Hedidnotcheatonatest.
Alex:
Didhelie?
Claire:
Alex.
Alex:
Heliesallthetime.
Claire:
Alex.
Alex:
Sorry.I'm...I'mjustworriedaboutLuke.Alotofparentsarehittingagain.
Claire:
Iappreciateyourconcern,Butyourfatherhasitundercontrol.
Phil:
24.25.Flincher!
Freeslap.Bringitup.
Luke:
Ow!
Phil:
29.
Luke:
Canbeonthebottomnow?
Phil:
Yeah.
Claire:
Mm.How'ditgo?
Phil:
Well,hewasreallyembarrassed,buteverything's...everything'sfinenow.
Claire:
What'dyousay?
Phil:
Well,youknow,IkindofpromisedhimWe'dkeepeverythingbetweenus.Mm-hmm.Matteroffact,He'dbemortifiedifyoubroughtitupwithhim...Ever.
Claire:
Oh,god.Really?
Phil:
Yeah.
Claire:
Thatactuallymakesmefeelkindofbad.
Phil:
Well...You'reprobablyjustfeelingalittletensefromallthis.IknowIam.Youknowwhatmighthelpthesituation?
Claire:
Really?
Rightnow?
Phil:
Imeantgoingoutforafewpizzas.Where'syourmind?
IguessIliveinahousefullofsexmaniacs.
Cameron:
Amigo?
Wecan'thelpyouifyouwon'tcomeout.
Cesar:
Graciasporinvitarmeasucasa.Meaverguenzodemislágrimas.
Mitchell:
What'dhesay?
Cameron:
Something...House...Something.
Mitchell:
Oh,comeon!
Theshowstartsinahalf-hour,andwestillhavetopickupManny.Can...canwejust...Comeon,movethisthingalong.
Cameron:
Okay,thismanisincrisis.Hecouldhaveafamily-healthissueorapersonal-healthissueorafinancialmatter.
Mitchell:
Okay,wait,stop.You'regettingallthisfrom"somethinghousesomething"?
Let'sjustcallGloriaandhaveherdealwithit,okay?
Cameron:
"it"isahumanbeing,Mitchell!
Mitchell:
Namedcaesarsalad.
Cameron:
Okay,wha