Modern Family 台词112Not In My House.docx

Modern Family 台词112Not In My House.docx

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ModernFamily台词112NotInMyHouse

Phil:

Beautifulmorning,isn'tit?

It'sashameyouhavetowork,huh?

Anyway,Iwouldlikealargesausageandpepperoni

Haley:

Hey,move.

Alex:

It'smystuff!

Okay?

Haley:

Justkeepyourhandsoffmystuff!

Phil:

Hey!

Alex:

Ididn'tputmyhandsonyourstuff!

Phil:

Hey!

Justasecond,Derek.Whatistheproblem?

Haley:

Alexreadmyjournal.

Alex:

Ididnot!

WhywouldIevenwanttoreadyourstupidjournal?

Haley:

Becauseitcontainsthedetailsofalife,Andyodon'thaveone!

Alex:

Ohh!

Phil:

Alex,don'treadHaley'sjournal.

Alex:

Uhh!

Phil:

Sorry.Mydaughters.Yougotkids?

Oh.Whatgradeareyouin?

Claire:

Phil!

Phil:

Oh,that'smywife,Claire.

Claire:

Lukewasusingmycomputer.Forthis.

Phil:

I'mgonnahaveto,uh,callyouback.

Claire:

Hetoldmeheneededittodohomework,AndthenIfindthis...A-apictureofatoplesswoman,WiththebiggestboobsIhaveeverseen,Drivingatractor.

Phil:

Okay,um,uh,firstofall,That'sacombine,notatractor.

Claire:

Phil!

Phil,itissmut,andour10-year-oldislookingatsmut!

It'sdisgusting!

Phil:

Completelyunacceptable.

Phil:

Here'sthething...thatwasmypicture.Well,notreallymine.There'sthisguyatworkwhosendsouttheselinks.Does...doesn'tmatterwho.GilThorpe.HesentoutanotheroneOfthesamewomandressedasabattleship.Youknow,the...youget...yeah.Andthenoneofthetransformers.Andthenit...it...Anyway,IhadeveryintentionoftellingClaire.Ijustwantedhertocalmdownfirst.

Phil:

Whereareyougoing?

Claire:

I'mgoingtopickupLukefromhissleepover.Weneedtotalktohimaboutthisnow.

Phil:

Claire,thisisaverydelicatesituation.Ifwedon'thandleitright,Lukemightenduphavinganunhealthyattitudeaboutsex.Oragribusiness.We'lltalkaboutitwhenhegetshome.

Claire:

Okay.Fine.ButIamtellinghimthateverytimehelooksatporn,Godkillsapuppy.

Phil:

MaybeIshouldbetheonetotalktohim.

Gloria:

Iamaveryluckywoman.Ihaveawonderfulfamily,abeautifulhome.There'snothingthatIwouldchange.Ihatethedogbutler.Ikeepforgettingit'sthere,Andeverytimeithappens,itscaresmealloveragain.Sometimes,atnight,Ithinkit'sthedevil.Eldiablo.

Jay:

Barkley?

He'shilarious.IwasinVegaslastmonth,andIwaswinning......AndIthought,Icoulddotheusual...Beachump,givethemoneybacktothecasino...OrIcoulddosomethingsmartandbuysomethingformyselfatthecasinostore.He'salreadyafamilyfavorite.

Jay:

Rubhischinalittleunderthere.Helikesthat.Thereyougo.Beautiful.Thereyougo.

Jay:

He'sadogandabutler.Imean,whocouldn'tlovehim?

Gloria:

Stupiddog.

[OPENINGCREDITS]

Cameron:

Okay,readytogo.

Mitchell:

Oh,makesureyoupeefirst.

Cameron:

WhatamI,7yearsold?

Mitchell:

No,youdonotwanttogoduringtheshow.Themarionettesstopwhatthey'redoing,Marchtotheedgeofthestage,andpointatyou.

Cameron:

Okay,thatsoundsterrifying.

Mitchell:

It'sreallyfunny.

Mitchell:

Oh,oneofmyfavoritechildhoodmemoriesWasattendingthemoscowmarionettetheater.

Cameron:

IgrewuponemileawayfromMissouri'slargestwaterslide,andthird-largestinthecountry.

Mitchell:

Oh,really?

Cam,younevermentionedthatbefore.

Cameron:

Youfeel...

Mitchell:

...Feellikeatorpedo.

Mitchell:

Hey,Cam,doesthegardenerusuallyworkonSaturdays?

Cameron:

Idon'tknow.Hecomeswhenweneedhim.He'slikebatman,butstraight.Ishecrying?

Mitchell:

Oh,yeah.Weshouldprobably...Probablygoouttheback,huh?

Cameron:

He'sclearlyinpain.Howcanyoujustturnyourbackonafriendlikethat?

Mitchell:

Afriend?

Really?

Yeah.W-what'shisname?

Cameron:

Cesarsal...Azar.

Mitchell:

Youmadethatup.Youweregonnasay"caesarsalad."

Cameron:

Wasnot.

Mitchell:

Cam.Comeon.Really?

ugh.Allright,don'tworry,Lily.I'msurewe'llgettotheshowontime.I'msuredadisjustgonnagooutandgiveanencouragingwordtothegardener,Hopefullymentionthesnailproblem,Andthenwearegonnabe...No.No,no.Cam,no.Hello.

Cameron:

Idon'tthinkhespeaksEnglish.

Mitchell:

Okay,thismightbeagoodtimetomentiontoyouthatthemarionettesarenotkindtolatecomers.Theybendoverandshowtheirbloomers.

Cameron:

Okay,IspeakalittleSpanish.¿señor,tegustaríahacerelaguaytenemosnuestracama?

Cesar:

Gracias.

Mitchell:

Whatwasthat?

Cameron:

Ijustaskedhimifhewantedtohaveaglassofwaterandsitdownforaminute,Likeanykindpersonwould.

Claire:

Ididn'tfindanymoreporn.

Phil:

Thatwashardlyporn.Itwasatoplesswomanonatractor.YouknowwhattheycallthatinEurope?

Acerealcommercial.

Claire:

Ishouldgotalktohim.

Phil:

Honey,honey,honey,Igotthis!

Igotthis!

No,no,no,no,no.I-Igotthis.Igotthis.Iwashisageonce.Breastsarelikethesescarymysticalthingsthathe'sdrawnto,likeFrodotoMordor.

Claire:

Okay,I'mdefinitelygoingtotalktohim.

Phil:

No,no,no,no!

Boysdon'twanttheirmomstalkingtothemaboutsexanymorethangirlswanttheirdadstalkingtothemaboutperiods,bras,andgirdlesandallthatstuff.

Claire:

Youdoknowthatwomenstoppedwearinggirdleslike30yearsago,right?

Phil:

Honey,Iknow.Iknow.That...thatis...thatisexactlythekindofsexualrevolutionThatoursonisgoingthroughrightnow,So...Just...let'sjust...justtrustit. Fixthatstep.JustknowIwillhandlethis,okay?

Gloria:

DelDiablo!

Jay:

Hey,Gloria,doyouhaveanyideawhyBarkleywasintheguestroom?

Gloria:

Iwasjustdoingalittleredecorating.Sometimesit'sgoodtomovethingsaroundjusttoseehowtheylook.

Jay:

Yeah,buttheguestroom...that'scrazy.He'snotaguest.Heworksforus.Hey,givemeahandhere,willyou?

IthinkhisjacketshiftedwhileIwasmovinghim.Wecan'thaveyouuntucked,ourlittlebutler.Thatdoesn'tmakeanysense,doesit,boy?

Gloria:

ay!

Jay:

"ay"?

Whatwasthat?

Isheallright?

Gloria:

Ay,no.Mybraceletgotcaughtalittlebithere.

Jay:

Well,don'tpanic.

Gloria:

I'mnotpanicking.

Jay:

Allright,trytorelax.Wecanfixhim.Letmetakeabetterlook.Comehere,boy.

Phil:

Luke?

Luke:

Hey,dad.Hey,buddy.

Phil:

Um...Look,YouandIneedtohavealittletalk.

Luke:

Aboutwhat?

Phil:

Well,it'saboutcomputerstuff.Um...Howdoyoumakesureyou'vedeletedsomethingafteryoureadit?

Gloria:

Sorry,Jay.Itwasanaccident.

Jay:

Youknow,I'mbeginningtothinkyoudon'tlikeBarkleythatmuch.Imean,firstyouhidehimintheguestroom,Andnowthis.

Gloria:

It'sridiculous!

Ididn'tmeantohurtit!

Jay:

Firstofall,let'scutthe"its."Heisahe.Andyoucanpretendtobeinnocentallyouwant,butactionspeakslouderthanwords.

Gloria:

Yeah.Theycanbeveryrevealing.

Jay:

Whatareyoutryingtosay?

Gloria:

Nothing,butyouhavetoadmitthatthedogbutlerisalittleridiculous.

Jay:

YouknowwhatelseIthinkisridiculous?

Thatmountainofpillowsyouhaveonourbed.IfeellikeI'mworkingonaloadingdockjusttryingtogetunderthecovers.

Gloria:

They'repretty.

Jay:

They'readamnnuisance.

Gloria:

Okay,forgivemefortryingtomakeourhomebeautiful.

Jay:

Well,youknow,ifIcanputupwiththose,youcanputupwithapieceofart.

Gloria:

Thisisnotart.It'sanunholymixbetweenmanandbeast.Butfine.Ifyouloveitsomuch,putitwhereveryouwant.

Jay:

Thankyou.Whereyougoing,togetsomemorepillows?

Gloria:

No,don'tworry.It'llbealongtimebeforeIbotheryouagainwithmypillows.

Alex:

WhyisdadinLuke'sroomwiththedoorclosed?

Claire:

Theyarehavingalittletalk.

Alex:

IsLukebeingpunished?

Claire:

Isthatyourfavoritething,Whenyourbrotherorsistergetsintotrouble?

Alex:

Myfavoriteiswhenthey'rebothintrouble.So,what'dhedo?

Didhecheatonatest?

He'sacheater.

Claire:

Hedidnotcheatonatest.

Alex:

Didhelie?

Claire:

Alex.

Alex:

Heliesallthetime.

Claire:

Alex.

Alex:

Sorry.I'm...I'mjustworriedaboutLuke.Alotofparentsarehittingagain.

Claire:

Iappreciateyourconcern,Butyourfatherhasitundercontrol.

Phil:

24.25.Flincher!

Freeslap.Bringitup.

Luke:

Ow!

Phil:

29.

Luke:

Canbeonthebottomnow?

Phil:

Yeah.

Claire:

Mm.How'ditgo?

Phil:

Well,hewasreallyembarrassed,buteverything's...everything'sfinenow.

Claire:

What'dyousay?

Phil:

Well,youknow,IkindofpromisedhimWe'dkeepeverythingbetweenus.Mm-hmm.Matteroffact,He'dbemortifiedifyoubroughtitupwithhim...Ever.

Claire:

Oh,god.Really?

Phil:

Yeah.

Claire:

Thatactuallymakesmefeelkindofbad.

Phil:

Well...You'reprobablyjustfeelingalittletensefromallthis.IknowIam.Youknowwhatmighthelpthesituation?

Claire:

Really?

Rightnow?

Phil:

Imeantgoingoutforafewpizzas.Where'syourmind?

IguessIliveinahousefullofsexmaniacs.

Cameron:

Amigo?

Wecan'thelpyouifyouwon'tcomeout.

Cesar:

Graciasporinvitarmeasucasa.Meaverguenzodemislágrimas.

Mitchell:

What'dhesay?

Cameron:

Something...House...Something.

Mitchell:

Oh,comeon!

Theshowstartsinahalf-hour,andwestillhavetopickupManny.Can...canwejust...Comeon,movethisthingalong.

Cameron:

Okay,thismanisincrisis.Hecouldhaveafamily-healthissueorapersonal-healthissueorafinancialmatter.

Mitchell:

Okay,wait,stop.You'regettingallthisfrom"somethinghousesomething"?

Let'sjustcallGloriaandhaveherdealwithit,okay?

Cameron:

"it"isahumanbeing,Mitchell!

Mitchell:

Namedcaesarsalad.

Cameron:

Okay,wha