Best collection of English Humouranecdotes.docx

Best collection of English Humouranecdotes.docx

《Best collection of English Humouranecdotes.docx》由会员分享，可在线阅读，更多相关《Best collection of English Humouranecdotes.docx（6页珍藏版）》请在冰豆网上搜索。

BestcollectionofEnglishHumouranecdotes

BestcollectionofEnglishHumour

anecdotes,jokesandfunnystories

Part1

Seenonarestroomwall:

"Godisdead:

Nietzsche.

Nietzscheisdead:

God."

AUniversalPhilosophicalRefutation

Aphilosopheroncehadthefollowingdream.

FirstAristotleappeared,andthephilosophersaidtohim,"Couldyougivemeafifteen-minutecapsulesketchofyourentirephilosophy?

"Tothephilosopher'ssurprise,Aristotlegavehimanexcellentexpositioninwhichhecompressedanenormousamountofmaterialintoamerefifteenminutes.ButthenthephilosopherraisedacertainobjectionwhichAristotlecouldn'tanswer.Confounded,Aristotledisappeared.ThenPlatoappeared.Thesamethinghappenedagain,andthephilosophers'objectiontoPlatowasthesameashisobjectiontoAristotle.Platoalsocouldn'tansweritanddisappeared.Thenallthefamousphilosophersofhistoryappearedone-by-oneandourphilosopherrefutedeveryonewiththesameobjection.Afterthelastphilosophervanished,ourphilosophersaidtohimself,"IknowI'masleepanddreamingallthis.YetI'vefoundauniversalrefutationforallphilosophicalsystems!

TomorrowwhenIwakeup,Iwillprobablyhaveforgottenit,andtheworldwillreallymisssomething!

"Withanironeffort,thephilosopherforcedhimselftowakeup,rushovertohisdesk,andwritedownhisuniversalrefutation.Thenhejumpedbackintobedwithasighofrelief.Thenextmorningwhenheawoke,hewentovertothedesktoseewhathehadwritten.Itwas,"That'swhatyousay."

Math,Physics,&Philosophy

Dean,tothephysicsdepartment."WhydoIalwayshavetogiveyouguyssomuchmoney,forlaboratoriesandexpensiveequipmentandstuff.Whycouldn'tyoubelikethemathdepartment-alltheyneedismoneyforpencils,paperandwaste-paperbaskets.Orevenbetter,likethephilosophydepartment.Alltheyneedarepencilsandpaper."

Tracker

AfamilywasvisitinganIndianreservationwhentheyhappenuponanoldtribesmanlayingfacedowninthemiddleoftheroadwithhisearpressedfirmlyagainsttheblacktop.Thefatherofthefamilyaskedtheoldtribesmanwhathewasdoing.

Thetribesmanbegantospeak..."woman,latethirties,threekids,onebarkingdoginlatemodel,Fourdoorstationwagon,travelingat65m.p.h."

"That'samazing"exclaimedthefather."Youcantellallofthatbyjustlisteningtotheground"?

"No",saidtheoldtribesman."Theyjustranovermefiveminutesago!

"

SherlockHolmesandWatson

SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealandabottleofwinetheylaydownforthenight,andwenttosleep.Somehourslater,Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriendawake."Watson,lookupattheskyandtellmewhatyousee."Watsonreplied,"Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars."

"Whatdoesthattellyou?

"Holmesquestioned.

Watsonponderedforaminute."Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsofgalaxiesandpotentiallybillionsofplanets.Astrologically,IobservethatSaturnisinLeo.Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.Theologically,IcanseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatwearesmallandinsignificant.Meteorologically,Isuspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.Whatdoesittellyou?

"

Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."Watson,youretard.Ittellsmethatsomebastardhasstolenourtent!

"

IrishWife

Atthe1998WorldWomen'sConference,thefirstspeakerfromEnglandstoodup:

"Atlastyear'sconferencewespokeaboutbeingmoreassertivewithourhusbands.WellaftertheconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongercookforhimandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehadcookedawonderfulroastlamb."

Thecrowdcheered.

ThesecondspeakerfromAmericastoodup:

"Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohislaundryandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehaddonenotonlyhisownwashingbutmywashingaswell."

Thecrowdcheered.

ThethirdspeakerfromIrelandstoodup:

"Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohisshoppingandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIcouldseealittlebitoutofmylefteye."

LanguageProblem

AbusstopsandtwoItalianmengeton.Theyseatthemselvesandengageinanimatedconversation.Theladysittingbehindthemignorestheirconversationatfirst,butherattentionisgalvanizedwhenshehearsoneofthemensaythefollowing:

"Emmacomefirst.DenIcome.Dentwoassescometogether.Icomeonce-a-more.Twoasses,theycometogetheragain.Icomeagainandpeetwice.DenIcomeonelasttime.""Youfoul-mouthedswine,"retortedtheladyindignantly."Inthiscountrywedon'ttalkaboutoursexlivesinpublic!

""Hey,cooldownlady,"saidtheman."Whotalkingaboutsex？

Justtellmyfriendhowtospell"Mississippi"!

GenieInTheLamp

AmanwaswalkingalongaCaliforniabeachandstumbleduponanoldlamp.Hepickeditupandrubbeditandoutpoppedagenie.Thegeniesaid"OK.OK.Youreleasedmefromthelamp,blah,blah,blah.Thisisthe4thtimethismonthandI'mgettingalittlesickofthesewishessoyoucanforgetaboutthree.Youonlygetonewish!

Themansatandthoughtaboutitforawhileandsaid,"I'vealwayswantedtogotoHawaii,butI'mscaredtoflyandIgetveryseasick.CouldyoubuildmeabridgetoHawaiisoIcandriveovertheretovisit?

"Thegenielaughedandsaid,"That'simpossible!

Thinkofthelogisticsofthat!

HowwouldthesupportseverreachthebottomofthePacific?

Thinkofhowmuchconcrete..howmuchsteel!

!

No,thinkofanotherwish!

"ThemansaidOKandtriedtothinkofareallygoodwish.Finally,hesaid,"I'vebeenmarriedanddivorcedfourtimes.MywivesalwayssaidthatIdon'tcareandthatI'minsensitive.So,IwishthatIcouldunderstandwomen...knowhowtheyfeelinsideandwhatthey'rethinkingwhentheygivemethesilenttreatment...knowwhythey'recrying,knowwhattheyreallywantwhentheysay,'nothing'...knowhowtomakethemtrulyhappy..."Thegeniesaid,"Youwantthatbridgewithtwolanesorfour?

"

Chemist'sBadDay

Uponarrivinghomeineageranticipationofaleisurelyevening,thehusbandwasmetatthedoorbyhissobbingwife.Tearfullysheexplained,"It'sthedruggist-heinsultedmeterriblythismorningonthephone."Immediatelythehusbanddrovedowntowntoaccostthedruggistanddemandanapology.Beforehecouldsaymorethanawordortwo,thedruggisttoldhim,"Now,justaminute-listentomysideofit.Thismorningthealarmfailedtogooff,soIwaslategettingup.Iwentwithoutbreakfastandhurriedouttothecar,butI'llbedamnedifIdidn'tlockthehousewithbothhouseandcarkeysinside.Ihadtobreakawindowtogetmykeys.Drivingalittletoofast,Igotaspeedingticket.Then,aboutthreeblocksfromthestoreIhadaflattire.WhenIfinallygottothestoretherewasabunchofpeoplewaitingformetoopenup.Igotthestoreopenedandstartedwaitingonthesepeople,andallthetimethedarnphonewasringingitsheadoff.ThenIhadtobreakarollofnickelsagainstthecashregisterdrawertomakechange,andtheyspilledalloverthefloor.Igotdownonmyhandsandkneestopickupthenickels-thephoneisstillringing-whenIcameupIcrackedmyheadontheopencashdrawer,whichmademestaggerbackagainstashowcasewithabunchofperfumebottlesonit,andhalfofthemhitthefloorandbroke.Thephoneisstillringingwithnoletup,andIfinallygotbacktoanswerit.Itwasyourwife-shewantedtoknowhowtousearectalthermometer.Well,Mister,ITOLDHER!

"

Shopping

Awomanwasshoppingatherlocalsupermarket,wheresheselectedaquartofmilk,acartonofeggs,juice,andapackageofbacon.

Asshewasunloadingheritemsontheconveyerbelttocheckout,adrunkstandingbehindher,watchedassheplacedheritemsinfrontofthecashier.

Hesaid,"Youmustbesingle."Thewoman,abitstartled,lookedatherfouritemsonthebelt,andseeingnothingparticularlyunusualaboutherselectionssaid,"Well,that'sright.Buthowinearthdidyouknowthat?

Thedrunksaid,"Causeyou'reuglier'nshit."

SalesmanoftheYear

AyoungguyfromTexasmovestoCaliforniaandgoestoabigdepartmentstorelookingforajob.Themanagersays,"Doyouhaveanysalesexperience?

"Thekidsays,"Yeah,IwasasalesmanbackhomeinTexas."Well,thebosslikedthekidsohegavehimthejob."Youstarttomorrow.I'llcomedownafterwecloseandseehowyoudid."Hisfirstdayonthejobwasroughbuthegotthroughit.Afterthestorewaslockedup,thebosscamedown."Howmanysalesdidyoumaketoday?

"Thekidsays,"One."Thebosssays,"Justone?

Oursalespeopleaverage20or30salesaday.Howmuchwasthesalefor?

"Kidsays,"$101,237.64."Bosssays,"$101,237.64?

Whatthehelldidyousell?

"

Kidsays,"FirstIsoldhimasmallfishhook.ThenIsoldhimamediumfishhook.ThenIsoldhimalargerfishhook.ThenIsoldhimanewfishingrod.ThenIaskedhimwherehewasgoingfishingandhesaiddownatthecoast,soItoldhimhewasgonnaneedaboat,sowewentdowntotheboatdepartmentandIsoldhimthattwinengineChrisCraft.Thenhesaidhedidn'tthinkhisHondaCivicwouldpullit,soItookhimdowntotheautomotivedepartmentandsoldhimthat4X4Blaz