老友记中英对照剧本第一季第12集.docx

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老友记中英对照剧本第一季第12集.docx

老友记中英对照剧本第一季第12集

101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)

[Scene:

CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]

Monica:

There'snothingtotell!

He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!

Joey:

Comeon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!

There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!

Chandler:

AllrightJoey,benice. Sodoeshehaveahump?

Ahumpandahairpiece?

Phoebe:

Wait,doesheeatchalk?

(Theyallstare,bemused.)

Phoebe:

Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!

Monica:

Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.

Chandler:

Soundslikeadatetome.

[TimeLapse]

Chandler:

Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.

All:

Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.

Chandler:

ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.

Joey:

Insteadof...?

Chandler:

That'sright.

Joey:

Neverhadthatdream.

Phoebe:

No.

Chandler:

Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.

Monica:

Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?

!

Chandler:

Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!

[TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]

Ross:

(mortified)Hi.

Joey:

Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.

Monica:

Areyouokay,sweetie?

Ross:

Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...

Chandler:

Cookie?

Monica:

(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.

Joey:

Ohh.

Monica:

(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.

Ross:

Thanks.

Phoebe:

Ooh!

Oh!

(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)

Ross:

No,nodon't!

Stopcleansingmyaura!

No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?

Phoebe:

Fine!

 Bemurky!

Ross:

I'llbefine,alright?

Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.

Monica:

Noyoudon't.

Ross:

NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!

Joey:

Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...

Ross:

No!

!

Okay?

!

Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?

Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?

Chandler:

SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?

Ross:

Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.

Monica:

Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:

00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?

 Awrongnumber?

Ross:

Sorry.

Joey:

AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?

(Rossgestureshisconsent.)

Joey:

Stripjoint!

C'mon,you'resingle!

Havesomehormones!

Ross:

Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?

Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!

(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)

Chandler:

AndIjustwantamilliondollars!

(Heextendshishandhopefully.)

Monica:

Rachel?

!

Rachel:

OhGodMonicahi!

ThankGod!

Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!

Waitress:

CanIgetyousomecoffee?

Monica:

(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?

Rachel:

Hi,sure!

Ross:

Hi.

(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens. Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain. AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)

Monica:

Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?

Rachel:

OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?

-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!

AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:

howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?

'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.

Monica:

Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.

Rachel:

Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...

[Scene:

Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]

Monica:

NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.

Chandler:

(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?

 Decide!

Ross:

(inadeepvoice)I'llhavewhateverChristineishaving.

Rachel:

(onphone)Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!

I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!

(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)

Phoebe:

 IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.

Chandler:

(reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.

Joey:

Isaypushherdownthestairs.

Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:

 Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)

Rachel:

C'monDaddy,listentome!

It'slike,it'slike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!

You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!

'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?

WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?

Ora-orahat!

No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!

Ross:

Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.

Rachel:

LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.

Monica:

Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...

Rachel:

Well,maybethat'smydecision.Well,maybeIdon'tneedyourmoney.Wait!

!

Wait,Isaidmaybe!

!

[TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.]

Monica:

Justbreathe,breathe..that'sit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings...Phoebe:

(sings)Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,(RachelandMonicaturntolookather.)bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens...Lalalala...somethingandnoodleswithstring. Theseareafew...

Rachel:

I'mallbetternow.

Phoebe:

(grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.)Ihelped!

Monica:

Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,y'know?

Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife. Thewhole,'hat'thing.

Joey:

(comfortingher)Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhe'sawayalot.

Monica:

Joey,stophittingonher!

It'sherweddingday!

Joey:

What,likethere'saruleorsomething?

(ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.)

Chandler:

Pleasedon'tdothatagain,it'sahorriblesound.

Paul:

(overtheintercom)It's,uh,it'sPaul.

Monica:

OhGod,isit6:

30?

 Buzzhimin!

Joey:

Who'sPaul?

Ross:

PaultheWineGuy,Paul?

Monica:

Maybe.

Joey:

Wait.Your'notarealdate'tonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?

Ross:

Hefinallyaskedyouout?

Monica:

Yes!

Chandler:

Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.

Monica:

Rach,wait,Icancancel...

Rachel:

Please,no,go,that'dbefine!

Monica:

(toRoss)Are,areyouokay?

Imean,doyouwantmetostay?

Ross:

(chokedvoice)That'dbegood...

Monica:

(horrified)Really?

Ross:

(normalvoice)No,goon!

It'sPaultheWineGuy!

Phoebe:

Whatdoesthatmean?

Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot?

(Chandlerdoesn'tknow.)

(There'saknockonthedoorandit'sPaul.)

Monica:

Hi,comein!

Paul,thisis..(Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.)...everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.

All:

Hey!

Paul!

Hi!

TheWineGuy!

Hey!

Chandler:

I'msorry,Ididn'tcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?

Monica:

Okay,umm-umm,I'lljust--I'llberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah...

Ross:

Awandering?

Monica:

Change!

 Okay,sitdown.(ShowsPaulin)Twoseconds.

Phoebe:

Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcan'tbegood.

(Monicagoestochange.)

Joey:

 Hey,Paul!

Paul:

Yeah?

Joey:

Here'salittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandoverandoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.

Monica:

(yellingfromthebedroom)Shutup,Joey!

Ross:

SoRachel,what'reyou,uh...what'reyouuptotonight?

Rachel:

Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!

Ross:

Right,you'renotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God..No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear...talkaboutyour-(thinks)-biglizards...Anyway,ifyoudon'tfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.

Chandler:

(deadpan)Yes,andwe'reveryexcitedaboutit.

Rachel:

Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkI'mjustgonnahangoutheretonight. It'sbeenkindaalongday.

Ross:

Okay,sure.

Joey:

HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?

Phoebe:

Oh,IwishIcould,butIdon'twantto.

CommercialBreak

[Scene:

TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.]

Phoebe:

(singing)Loveissweetassummershowers,loveisawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove...islikeagiantpigeon...crappingonmyheart. La-la-la-la-la-(someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy)Thankyou.(sings)La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene:

Ross'sApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.]

Ross:

(squattingandreadingtheinstructions)I'msupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewormguys.Ihavenobrack

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