South Park 102.docx

South Park 102.docx

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SouthPark102

SouthParkEpisode102

"WEIGHTGAIN4000"

ByMattStone&TreyParker

Thechildrenallsitwaitingforschooltobegin.Somekids

arestillmillingaboutandtakingofftheircoats.

KYLE

HeyStan,didyouseethatrainbow

thismorning?

STAN

Yeah,itwashuge!

CARTMAN

Oh,Ihatethosethings.

ThekidsalllookatCartmanpuzzlingly.

KYLE

NobodyHATESrainbows.

STAN

Yeah,what'stheretoHATEabout

rainbows?

!

CARTMAN

Well,youknow...You'lljustbe

sittingtheremindingyourown

business,andthey'llcomemarching

inandcrawlupyourlegandstart

bitingtheinsideofyourass-

Cartmanmakesgnashingsoundswithhisteeth.

CARTMAN

Andyou'llbealllike'Heygetout

ofmyASSYOUSTUPIDRAINBOWS!

!

!

Theboyssitinsilenceforseveralseconds...Nobodyknows

whattosay...FinallyStanspeaks.

STAN

Cartman,whattheHELLareyoutalking

about?

!

?

!

CARTMAN

I'mtalkingaboutrainbows!

Ihate

thosefriggin'things.

KYLE

Rainbowsarelittlearchesofcolor

thatshowupduringarainstorm!

Cartmanthinkslongandhard.

CARTMAN

Ohhhhhh....RAINBOWS.Ohyeah,I

likethose,thosearecool.

Stan,KyleandKennystareatCartmanindisbelief.

STAN

WhatwereYOUtalkingabout?

!

CARTMAN

Huh?

Oh,nothing,forgetit.

KYLE

No!

Whatmarchesin,crawlsupyour

legandbitestheinsideofyour

ass?

!

CARTMAN

Nothing....

Justthen,Mr.Garrisonstepsinfrontoftheclass.

MR.GARRISON

Children!

Children!

rememberthe

'SaveOurFragilePlanet'essay

contestthatyouchildrenworkedso

hardonlastmonth?

Thekidsdon'tseemtoremember.

MR.GARRISON

OneofourVERYOWNSouthPark

studentshaswonthenationalprize!

!

Thekidsallgasp.Stan'sfacelightsup.

WENDY

WOW!

IknewIwouldwin!

Garrisonpullsanenvelopeoutofhispocket.

MR.HAT

GoshMr.Garrison,thissureis

exciting!

MR.GARRISON

That'sright,Mr.Hat.Thewinnerof

thenational'SaveOurFragilePlanet'

contestis...ERICCARTMAN!

!

Stan'sexpressiondrops.

WENDY

（Shocked）

WHAT?

!

CARTMAN

（Justasshocked）

What?

!

MR.GARRISON

Congratulations,Eric,onwriting

theawardwinningpaper.

CARTMAN

Kickass.

STAN

That'simpossible!

!

Cartmandoesn't

knowarainforestfromapop-tart!

CARTMAN

YeahIdo,Pop-Tartsarefrosted.

MR.GARRISON

OutofoveraMILLIONpapers,Eric's

waschosenasthegrandprizewinner!

KYLE

Wow,whatdidyouwriteabout,

Cartman?

CARTMAN

（Notremembering）

Oh...Youknow...Thisandthat.

WENDY

Hedoesn'tevenKNOWwhathewrote

about!

KYLE

Whatwasyourpaperabout,Wendy?

WENDY

MYpaperwasonthesufferingof

bottle-noseddolphins.

CARTMAN

Wellyousee?

Youshouldn'thave

writtenapaperaboutdolphins.

Dolphinsarestupid.

STAN

Dude,Dolphin'sarelikethesecond

smartestanimalontheplanet!

CARTMAN

（Guffawingsmugly）

Oh,right...Ifthey'resodamnsmart

howcometheygetcaughtinthose

fishingnetsallthetime?

!

WENDY

What?

!

MR.GARRISON

Wait,waitthere'smore!

Itsays

herethatEric'strophywillbe

presentedtohimby...

（Pause,gulp）

KathieLEEGIFFORD!

Thewholeclassgasps.

KYLE

KathieLeeiscomingtoSouthPark?

MR.GARRISON

Andthepresentationwillbeon

nationaltelevision!

TRACKintoStan,KyleandKennyastheireyesbulgeoutand

theirsmileswiden.

KYLEANDSTANANDKENNY

Television?

MR.GARRISON

（Quietly,tohimself）

KathieLeeGifford...Idon'tbelieve

it...

INT.SOUTHPARKCAPITOLBUILDING-DAY

TheintensefemaleMAYORMCDANIELSofSouthParkispacing

excitedlyupanddownheroffice.Withherareafewmale

AIDES.

MAYORMCDANIELS

KathieLeeGiffordinSouthPark...

MayorMcDanielswalksovertothewindowandlooksoutupon

thesmalltownsquare.

MAYORMCDANIELS

OhMyGod,Thisisourchanceto

makeanameforourselves.Toshow

thatwe'renotjustsomepissant,

whitebreadmountaintown!

AIDE

Betteryetit'sachanceforYOUto

getsomepublicity.

MAYORMCDANIELS

Yes!

IfIcanshowjusthowmuch

I'veturnedSouthParkaround...I

couldbecomeaSenator!

!

AIDE#2

MaybeevenaSTATESenator!

AIDE

Mayor,weshoulddecoratethetown

square!

AIDE#2

ThenweshouldhavetheChefofthe

schoolcafeteriasingasong,and

playuptheethnicdiversityofour

town.

MAYORMCDANIELS

That'sright...He'sablackguy

isn'the?

AIDE

（Proudly）

Blackasthenightitself,Mayor.

MAYORMCDANIELS

（triumphantly）

YES!

!

Andwecanevenhavethe

childrenofSouthParkputonalittle

play!

KathieLeeloveschildren!

AIDE

Ifthey'reworkinginasweat-shop

thatis!

AIDE#2

Ouch!

AIDE

ThankYou

INT.CAFETERIA

Theboysareeatinglunchatatableinthecafeteria.

CARTMAN

Youguys,guesswhat...AfterI'mon

television,I'mgonnabetotally

famous!

Wendywalksby.

WENDY

Hitlerwasfamoustoo.

Wendyleaves.Chefcomesslidingin.

CHEF

Hellotherechildren!

KIDS

HeyChef.

CHEF

Howaremylittlecrackerstoday?

KIDS

Good.

CHEF

Didyouallhearaboutthenews?

!

KathieLeeGiffordiscomingtoSouth

Park!

STAN

Yeah,'causeCartmancheatedandwon

theenvironmentalessaycontest.

CARTMAN

Hey!

!

!

CHEF

Yeah,Yeah,whatever,buttheMayor

justcalledandaskedMEtosingat

theceremony!

KYLE

Wow,areyougonnadoit?

CHEF

Ofcourse!

KathieLeeisabeautiful,

sultryqueenofsexualfantasy.And

ifIsingtoher,maybeIcanlure

herintoanightofexotic

delectation.

STAN

Yeah!

That'dbecool!

KENNY

Mphrmphrm!

CHEF

Well,THREEtimesbiggerthanFrank

Gifford'sanyway.

INT.CLASSROOM-DAY

Garrisonsitsatthefrontofanemptyclassroomgrading

somepapers.

MR.GARRISON

Oh,Ican'tevenconcentrateon

gradingpaperswithallthis

excitement!

Mr.Hatsitslifelessonachairnearthedesk.

MR.GARRISON

Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat,

Mr.Hat?

Garrisonpicksthepuppetup.

MR.HAT

Haveyouforgottenaboutallthe

painandsufferingthatKathyLee

Giffordcausedyou?

MR.GARRISON

Mr.Hat,thatwasalongtimeago,

andIwasonlyachild.

MR.HAT

WecouldhaveWONthattalentshow...

Wecouldhavebeenhuge!

TRACKINONGARRISON

DISSOLVETO:

INT.AUDITORIUM-DAY-FLASHBACK

Alargebannerreads'NationalTalentShowFinals'

TILTDOWNfromthebannerandonto-

Asmaller,tenyear-oldversionofMr.Garrisonstandsina

hugespotlightonstage,withasmallerMr.Hatonhisarm.

LIL'MR.GARRISON

Knock,knock,Mr.Hat.

MR.HAT

Who'sthere?

LIL'MR.GARRISON

Orange.

MR.HAT

Orangewho?

LIL'MR.GARRISON

OrangeyougladIdidn'tsaybanana?

MR.HAT

Thankyou.

Asmatteringofapplauseechoesintheauditorium.Mr.

GarrisonandMr.Hatbothbowandwalkoffstage.Several

judgesholduptheirnumbers-8.9,9,7.8,9.2

LIL'MR.GARRISON

Wow,Mr.Hat,itlookslikewemight

win!

LOUDSPEAKER

'AndnowourlastTalentShow

Finalist:

KathieLeeEpstein!

!

!

'

Averyyoung,cuteKathyLeestepsontothestage,looking

adorable.

LIL'KATHIELEE

（singing）

...If...they...could...Seemenow

thatlittlegangofmine,I'meating

fancychowanddrinkingfancy

wine.....!

Howtheywouldallsay

WOW!

ZOOMOUTtorevealLil'KathieLeeGiffordsinginganddancing

withafifteenpiecebandandabout100dancersall

choreographedinutterharmonywithhereverymove.WHOOSH!

Shenowwearsapuppetoneachhand.Amazinglyshemanages

tothrowhervoicetoeachpuppetandcontinuesinging

herself,allinperfectharmony.

LIL'KATHIELEE

（singing）

Ifmyfriendscouldseemenow...

KathieLeeisputtingonaSPECTACULARBroadwaymusical

number.Fountainsgooff!

Fireworksexplode!

Mr.GarrisonandMr.Hatwatchon,dumbfounded.

LIL'KATHIELEE

IFMYFRIENDSCOULDSEE...ME...

NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWwww!

!

!

!

ThecrowdERUPTSwithapplause.Thejudgesholduptheir

numbers10!

10!

10!

10!

DISSOLVETO:

INT.CLASSROOM-DAY

Mr.Garrisonsitswithglazed-overeyes.

MR.GARRISON

Itwasn'tfair,shehadchoreography.

Howcouldwecompetewiththat?

MR.HAT

Butnowshe'scomingtoSouthPark...

AndIknowawaytomakeitALL

better!

MR.GARRISON

How?

Mr.HatwhispersinGarrison'sear.GarrisonGASPS!

MR.GARRISON

No,Mr.Hat,Icouldn't!

!

TRACKINonGarrison.

MR.GARRISON

Icouldn't...KILLKathieLeeGifford!

DRAMATICMUSICANDFADEOUT:

INT.CLASSROOM-AFTERLUNCH

MayorMcDanielsstandsinfrontofthechildren.

MAYORMCDANIELS

Children,asyouallknow,Ms.Kathie

LeeGiffordwillbeinSouthParkto

presenttheawardtosomekidforan

essay.

CARTMAN

Thatkidisme!

MAYORMCDANIELS

Whatever.Now,I'mgoingtohaveyou

Lusciouslittleyoungstersdoaplay

aboutthehistoryofSouthPark.

MR.GARRISON

That'llbewonderful!

Won'titMr.

Hat?

MR.GARRISON（ASMR.HAT）

KILLHER!

MR.GARRISON

Mr.Hat!

!

!

!

GarrisonquicklyputshishandoverMr.Hat'smouth.The

MayorlooksoddlyatGarrisonandthencontinues.

ThemayorturnstoMr.Garrison.

MAYORMCDANIELS

Mr.Garrison,I'maskingyoutodirect

ourlittleplay.

MR.GARRISON

Ohthat'sPERFECT!

（ToMr.Hat）

Yousee,Mr.Hat?

Wedon'thaveto

KILLher,wecanjustUPSTAGEher!

WENDY

Mrs.Mayor?

Youmightwanttoreview

theessays.WethinkCartmanmight

havecheated.

MAYORMCDANIELS

Whocares?

Nowkids,whatsaywe

giveitourSouthParkbest?

!

TheMayorwaitsforthekidstocheer.Theydon't.

MAYORMCDANIELS

Andwho'sourlittleprizewinner

again?

CARTMAN

（Pissedoff）

ME!

!

E