Best collection of English Humouranecdotes.docx
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BestcollectionofEnglishHumouranecdotes
BestcollectionofEnglishHumouranecdotes,jokesandfunnystories
Part1
Seenonarestroomwall:
"Godisdead:
Nietzsche.
Nietzscheisdead:
God."
AUniversalPhilosophicalRefutation
Aphilosopheroncehadthefollowingdream.
FirstAristotleappeared,andthephilosophersaidtohim,"Couldyougivemeafifteen-minutecapsulesketchofyourentirephilosophy?
"Tothephilosopher'ssurprise,Aristotlegavehimanexcellentexpositioninwhichhecompressedanenormousamountofmaterialintoamerefifteenminutes.ButthenthephilosopherraisedacertainobjectionwhichAristotlecouldn'tanswer.Confounded,Aristotledisappeared.ThenPlatoappeared.Thesamethinghappenedagain,andthephilosophers'objectiontoPlatowasthesameashisobjectiontoAristotle.Platoalsocouldn'tansweritanddisappeared.Thenallthefamousphilosophersofhistoryappearedone-by-oneandourphilosopherrefutedeveryonewiththesameobjection.Afterthelastphilosophervanished,ourphilosophersaidtohimself,"IknowI'masleepanddreamingallthis.YetI'vefoundauniversalrefutationforallphilosophicalsystems!
TomorrowwhenIwakeup,Iwillprobablyhaveforgottenit,andtheworldwillreallymisssomething!
"Withanironeffort,thephilosopherforcedhimselftowakeup,rushovertohisdesk,andwritedownhisuniversalrefutation.Thenhejumpedbackintobedwithasighofrelief.Thenextmorningwhenheawoke,hewentovertothedesktoseewhathehadwritten.Itwas,"That'swhatyousay."
Math,Physics,&Philosophy
Dean,tothephysicsdepartment."WhydoIalwayshavetogiveyouguyssomuchmoney,forlaboratoriesandexpensiveequipmentandstuff.Whycouldn'tyoubelikethemathdepartment-alltheyneedismoneyforpencils,paperandwaste-paperbaskets.Orevenbetter,likethephilosophydepartment.Alltheyneedarepencilsandpaper."
Tracker
AfamilywasvisitinganIndianreservationwhentheyhappenuponanoldtribesmanlayingfacedowninthemiddleoftheroadwithhisearpressedfirmlyagainsttheblacktop.Thefatherofthefamilyaskedtheoldtribesmanwhathewasdoing.
Thetribesmanbegantospeak..."woman,latethirties,threekids,onebarkingdoginlatemodel,Fourdoorstationwagon,travelingat65m.p.h."
"That'samazing"exclaimedthefather."Youcantellallofthatbyjustlisteningtotheground"?
"No",saidtheoldtribesman."Theyjustranovermefiveminutesago!
"
SherlockHolmesandWatson
SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealandabottleofwinetheylaydownforthenight,andwenttosleep.Somehourslater,Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriendawake."Watson,lookupattheskyandtellmewhatyousee."Watsonreplied,"Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars."
"Whatdoesthattellyou?
"Holmesquestioned.
Watsonponderedforaminute."Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsofgalaxiesandpotentiallybillionsofplanets.Astrologically,IobservethatSaturnisinLeo.Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.Theologically,IcanseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatwearesmallandinsignificant.Meteorologically,Isuspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.Whatdoesittellyou?
"
Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."Watson,youretard.Ittellsmethatsomebastardhasstolenourtent!
"
IrishWife
Atthe1998WorldWomen'sConference,thefirstspeakerfromEnglandstoodup:
"Atlastyear'sconferencewespokeaboutbeingmoreassertivewithourhusbands.WellaftertheconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongercookforhimandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehadcookedawonderfulroastlamb."
Thecrowdcheered.
ThesecondspeakerfromAmericastoodup:
"Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohislaundryandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehaddonenotonlyhisownwashingbutmywashingaswell."
Thecrowdcheered.
ThethirdspeakerfromIrelandstoodup:
"Afterlastyear'sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohisshoppingandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIcouldseealittlebitoutofmylefteye."
LanguageProblem
AbusstopsandtwoItalianmengeton.Theyseatthemselvesandengageinanimatedconversation.Theladysittingbehindthemignorestheirconversationatfirst,butherattentionisgalvanizedwhenshehearsoneofthemensaythefollowing:
"Emmacomefirst.DenIcome.Dentwoassescometogether.Icomeonce-a-more.Twoasses,theycometogetheragain.Icomeagainandpeetwice.DenIcomeonelasttime.""Youfoul-mouthedswine,"retortedtheladyindignantly."Inthiscountrywedon'ttalkaboutoursexlivesinpublic!
""Hey,cooldownlady,"saidtheman."Whotalkingaboutsex?
Justtellmyfriendhowtospell"Mississippi"!
GenieInTheLamp
AmanwaswalkingalongaCaliforniabeachandstumbleduponanoldlamp.Hepickeditupandrubbeditandoutpoppedagenie.Thegeniesaid"OK.OK.Youreleasedmefromthelamp,blah,blah,blah.Thisisthe4thtimethismonthandI'mgettingalittlesickofthesewishessoyoucanforgetaboutthree.Youonlygetonewish!
Themansatandthoughtaboutitforawhileandsaid,"I'vealwayswantedtogotoHawaii,butI'mscaredtoflyandIgetveryseasick.CouldyoubuildmeabridgetoHawaiisoIcandriveovertheretovisit?
"Thegenielaughedandsaid,"That'simpossible!
Thinkofthelogisticsofthat!
HowwouldthesupportseverreachthebottomofthePacific?
Thinkofhowmuchconcrete..howmuchsteel!
!
No,thinkofanotherwish!
"ThemansaidOKandtriedtothinkofareallygoodwish.Finally,hesaid,"I'vebeenmarriedanddivorcedfourtimes.MywivesalwayssaidthatIdon'tcareandthatI'minsensitive.So,IwishthatIcouldunderstandwomen...knowhowtheyfeelinsideandwhatthey'rethinkingwhentheygivemethesilenttreatment...knowwhythey'recrying,knowwhattheyreallywantwhentheysay,'nothing'...knowhowtomakethemtrulyhappy..."Thegeniesaid,"Youwantthatbridgewithtwolanesorfour?
"
Chemist'sBadDay
Uponarrivinghomeineageranticipationofaleisurelyevening,thehusbandwasmetatthedoorbyhissobbingwife.Tearfullysheexplained,"It'sthedruggist-heinsultedmeterriblythismorningonthephone."Immediatelythehusbanddrovedowntowntoaccostthedruggistanddemandanapology.Beforehecouldsaymorethanawordortwo,thedruggisttoldhim,"Now,justaminute-listentomysideofit.Thismorningthealarmfailedtogooff,soIwaslategettingup.Iwentwithoutbreakfastandhurriedouttothecar,butI'llbedamnedifIdidn'tlockthehousewithbothhouseandcarkeysinside.Ihadtobreakawindowtogetmykeys.Drivingalittletoofast,Igotaspeedingticket.Then,aboutthreeblocksfromthestoreIhadaflattire.WhenIfinallygottothestoretherewasabunchofpeoplewaitingformetoopenup.Igotthestoreopenedandstartedwaitingonthesepeople,andallthetimethedarnphonewasringingitsheadoff.ThenIhadtobreakarollofnickelsagainstthecashregisterdrawertomakechange,andtheyspilledalloverthefloor.Igotdownonmyhandsandkneestopickupthenickels-thephoneisstillringing-whenIcameupIcrackedmyheadontheopencashdrawer,whichmademestaggerbackagainstashowcasewithabunchofperfumebottlesonit,andhalfofthemhitthefloorandbroke.Thephoneisstillringingwithnoletup,andIfinallygotbacktoanswerit.Itwasyourwife-shewantedtoknowhowtousearectalthermometer.Well,Mister,ITOLDHER!
"
Shopping
Awomanwasshoppingatherlocalsupermarket,wheresheselectedaquartofmilk,acartonofeggs,juice,andapackageofbacon.
Asshewasunloadingheritemsontheconveyerbelttocheckout,adrunkstandingbehindher,watchedassheplacedheritemsinfrontofthecashier.
Hesaid,"Youmustbesingle."Thewoman,abitstartled,lookedatherfouritemsonthebelt,andseeingnothingparticularlyunusualaboutherselectionssaid,"Well,that'sright.Buthowinearthdidyouknowthat?
Thedrunksaid,"Causeyou'reuglier'nshit."
SalesmanoftheYear
AyoungguyfromTexasmovestoCaliforniaandgoestoabigdepartmentstorelookingforajob.Themanagersays,"Doyouhaveanysalesexperience?
"Thekidsays,"Yeah,IwasasalesmanbackhomeinTexas."Well,thebosslikedthekidsohegavehimthejob."Youstarttomorrow.I'llcomedownafterwecloseandseehowyoudid."Hisfirstdayonthejobwasroughbuthegotthroughit.Afterthestorewaslockedup,thebosscamedown."Howmanysalesdidyoumaketoday?
"Thekidsays,"One."Thebosssays,"Justone?
Oursalespeopleaverage20or30salesaday.Howmuchwasthesalefor?
"Kidsays,"$101,237.64."Bosssays,"$101,237.64?
Whatthehelldidyousell?
"
Kidsays,"FirstIsoldhimasmallfishhook.ThenIsoldhimamediumfishhook.ThenIsoldhimalargerfishhook.ThenIsoldhimanewfishingrod.ThenIaskedhimwherehewasgoingfishingandhesaiddownatthecoast,soItoldhimhewasgonnaneedaboat,sowewentdowntotheboatdepartmentandIsoldhimthattwinengineChrisCraft.Thenhesaidhedidn'tthinkhisHondaCivicwouldpullit,soItookhimdowntotheautomotivedepartmentandsoldhimthat4X4Blaze