1、Best collection of English Humour anecdotesBest collection of English Humour anecdotes, jokes and funny stories Part 1Seen on a restroom wall: God is dead: Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead: God. A Universal Philosophical RefutationA philosopher once had the following dream.First Aristotle appeared, and
2、the philosopher said to him, Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy? To the philosophers surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a cert
3、ain objection which Aristotle couldnt answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldnt answer it and disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers of h
4、istory appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, I know Im asleep and dreaming all this. Yet Ive found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will
5、probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something! With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to th
6、e desk to see what he had written. It was, Thats what you say. Math, Physics, & PhilosophyDean, to the physics department. Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldnt you be like the math department - all they need is money for
7、 pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper. Tracker A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the
8、blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak. woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h. Thats amazing exclaimed the father. You can tell all of that by just listening
9、to the ground? No, said the old tribesman. They just ran over me five minutes ago! Sherlock Holmes and WatsonSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his fait
10、hful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. A
11、strologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it
12、 tell you? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent! Irish WifeAt the 1998 World Womens Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well a
13、fter the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. The crowd cheered. The seco
14、nd speaker from America stood up: After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only
15、his own washing but my washing as well. The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Ireland stood up: After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I sa
16、w nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye. Language ProblemA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
17、 hears one of the men say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last time. You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about
18、our sex lives in public! Hey, cool down lady, said the man. Who talking about sex?Just tell my friend how to spell Mississippi! Genie In The LampA man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK. OK. You
19、released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly and I get ver
20、y seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel! No, think of another wish! Th
21、e man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the s
22、ilent treatment . . .know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say, nothing . . . know how to make them truly happy . . . The genie said, You want that bridge with two lanes or four? Chemists Bad DayUpon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was m
23、et at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minu
24、te - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I
25、got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to
26、 break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcas
27、e with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER! ShoppingA woman was shopping at her loca
28、l supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.He said, You must be single. The woman, a bit star
29、tled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, Well, thats right. But how in earth did you know that?The drunk said, Cause youre uglier n shit. Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
30、 store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he
31、got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? Kid says, $101,237.64. Boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell? Kid s
32、ays, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blaze
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