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Well,what'
sthestruggle?
Andshesaid,"
Well,Isawyouspeak,
andI'
mgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink,
butI'
mafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewillcome,
becausethey'
llthinkyou'
reboringandirrelevant."
(Laughter)AndIwaslike,"
Okay."
ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalk
isyou'
reastoryteller.
SoIthinkwhatI'
lldoisjustcallyouastoryteller."
Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofme
waslike,"
You'
regoingtocallmeawhat?
mgoingtocallyouastoryteller."
AndIwaslike,"
Whynotmagicpixie?
(Laughter)
Iwaslike,"
Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond."
Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage.
AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller.
maqualitativeresearcher.
Icollectstories;
that'
swhatIdo.
Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul.
AndmaybeI'
mjustastoryteller.
AndsoIsaid,"
Youknowwhat?
Whydon'
tyoujustsayI'
maresearcher-storyteller."
Andshewent,"
Haha.There'
snosuchthing."
SoI'
maresearcher-storyteller,
mgoingtotalktoyoutoday--
we'
retalkingaboutexpandingperception--
andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestories
aboutapieceofmyresearch
thatfundamentallyexpandedmyperception
andreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandlove
andworkandparent.
Andthisiswheremystorystarts.
WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent,
myfirstyearIhadaresearchprofessor
whosaidtous,
Here'
sthething,
ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist."
AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme.
Really?
andhewaslike,"
Absolutely."
Andsoyouhavetounderstand
thatIhaveabachelor'
sinsocialwork,amaster'
sinsocialwork,
andIwasgettingmyPh.D.insocialwork,
somyentireacademiccareer
wassurroundedbypeople
whokindofbelieved
inthe"
life'
smessy,loveit."
AndI'
mmoreofthe,"
smessy,
cleanitup,organizeit
andputitintoabentobox."
AndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway,
tofoundacareerthattakesme--
really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialwork
is,"
Leanintothediscomfortofthework."
mlike,knockdiscomfortupsidethehead
andmoveitoverandgetallA'
s.
Thatwasmymantra.
SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis.
AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme,
becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics.
ButIwanttobeabletomakethemnotmessy.
Iwanttounderstandthem.
Iwanttohackintothesethings
Iknowareimportant
andlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.
SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection.
Because,bythetimeyou'
reasocialworkerfor10years,
whatyourealize
isthatconnectioniswhywe'
rehere.
It'
swhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives.
Thisiswhatit'
sallabout.
Itdoesn'
tmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjusticeandmentalhealthandabuseandneglect,
whatweknowisthatconnection,
theabilitytofeelconnected,is--
neurobiologicallythat'
showwe'
rewired--
it'
swhywe'
SoIthought,youknowwhat,I'
mgoingtostartwithconnection.
Well,youknowthatsituation
whereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss,
andshetellsyou37thingsyoudoreallyawesome,
andonething--an"
opportunityforgrowth?
Andallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunityforgrowth,right?
Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell,
because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove,
theytellyouaboutheartbreak.
Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging,
they'
lltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiences
ofbeingexcluded.
Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection,
thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.
Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch--
Iranintothisunnamedthing
thatabsolutelyunraveledconnection
inawaythatIdidn'
tunderstandorhadneverseen.
AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearch
andthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis.
Anditturnedouttobeshame.
Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstood
asthefearofdisconnection:
Istheresomethingaboutme
that,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit,
thatIwon'
tbeworthyofconnection?
ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:
suniversal;
weallhaveit.
Theonlypeoplewhodon'
texperienceshame
havenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection.
Noonewantstotalkaboutit,
andthelessyoutalkaboutitthemoreyouhaveit.
Whatunderpinnedthisshame,
this"
mnotgoodenough,"
--
whichweallknowthatfeeling:
mnotblankenough.I'
mnotthinenough,
richenough,beautifulenough,smartenough,
promotedenough."
T