1、Well, whats the struggle?And she said, Well, I saw you speak,and Im going to call you a researcher, I think,but Im afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,because theyll think youre boring and irrelevant.(Laughter)And I was like, Okay.But the thing I liked about your talkis youre a story
2、teller.So I think what Ill do is just call you a storyteller.And of course, the academic, insecure part of mewas like, Youre going to call me a what?m going to call you a storyteller.And I was like, Why not magic pixie?(Laughter)I was like, Let me think about this for a second.I tried to call deep o
3、n my courage.And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.m a qualitative researcher.I collect stories; thats what I do.And maybe stories are just data with a soul.And maybe Im just a storyteller.And so I said, You know what?Why dont you just say Im a researcher-storyteller.And she went, Haha. Theres
4、 no such thing.So Im a researcher-storyteller,m going to talk to you today -were talking about expanding perception -and so I want to talk to you and tell some storiesabout a piece of my researchthat fundamentally expanded my perceptionand really actually changed the way that I live and loveand work
5、 and parent.And this is where my story starts.When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,my first year I had a research professorwho said to us,Heres the thing,if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.Really? and he was like, Absolutely.And so you h
6、ave to understandthat I have a bachelors in social work, a masters in social work,and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,so my entire academic careerwas surrounded by peoplewho kind of believedin the lifes messy, love it.And Im more of the, s messy,clean it up, organize itand put it into a bento
7、box.And so to think that I had found my way,to found a career that takes me -really, one of the big sayings in social workis, Lean into the discomfort of the work.m like, knock discomfort upside the headand move it over and get all As.That was my mantra.So I was very excited about this.And so I thou
8、ght, you know what, this is the career for me,because I am interested in some messy topics.But I want to be able to make them not messy.I want to understand them.I want to hack into these thingsI know are importantand lay the code out for everyone to see.So where I started was with connection.Becaus
9、e, by the time youre a social worker for 10 years,what you realizeis that connection is why were here.Its what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.This is what its all about.It doesnt matter whether you talk to peoplewho work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,what we know
10、is that connection,the ability to feel connected, is -neurobiologically thats how were wired -its why weSo I thought, you know what, Im going to start with connection.Well, you know that situationwhere you get an evaluation from your boss,and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,and one thi
11、ng - an opportunity for growth?And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,because, when you ask people about love,they tell you about heartbreak.When you ask people about belonging,theyll tell you their most excruciating ex
12、periencesof being excluded.And when you ask people about connection,the stories they told me were about disconnection.So very quickly - really about six weeks into this research -I ran into this unnamed thingthat absolutely unraveled connectionin a way that I didnt understand or had never seen.And s
13、o I pulled back out of the researchand thought, I need to figure out what this is.And it turned out to be shame.And shame is really easily understoodas the fear of disconnection:Is there something about methat, if other people know it or see it,that I wont be worthy of connection?The things I can te
14、ll you about it:s universal; we all have it.The only people who dont experience shamehave no capacity for human empathy or connection.No one wants to talk about it,and the less you talk about it the more you have it.What underpinned this shame,this m not good enough, -which we all know that feeling:m not blank enough. Im not thin enough,rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,promoted enough.T
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