SOUTH PARK1010.docx

SOUTH PARK1010.docx

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SOUTHPARK1010

SOUTHPARK

10X10-MISSTEACHERBANGSABOY

OriginalAirdate（COM）:

18/OCT/2006

WRITTENBYMATTSTONE&TREYPARKER

DIRECTEDBYMATTSTONE&TREYPARKER

TRANSCRIPTPROVIDEDBY"TWIZTV.COM"

ORIGINALLYTRANSCRIBEDFORTHESOUTHPARKSCRIPTORIUM

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DISCLAIMER:

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"SOUTHPARK"andotherrelatedentitiesareowned,（TM）and?

byTREYPARKER&MATTSTONEviaCOMEDYCENTRALandCOMEDYPARTNERSinassociationwithIMPORTANTTELEVISION.Thistranscriptispostedherewithouttheirpermission,approval,authorizationorendorsement.Anyreproduction,duplication,distributionordisplayofthismaterialinanyformorbyanymeansisexpresslyprohibited.Itisabsolutelyforbiddentouseitforcommercialgain.Forentertainmentandeducationalpurposesonly.Noinfringementintended.

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SUMMARY:

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CartmanisappointedtothepostofSchoolHallwayMonitoratSouthParkElementary.Inhisnewrole,Cartmantakesitpersonallywhenaninfractioniscommittedinhisjurisdiction.WhenKylediscoversthatateacherishavingsexwithastudent,heandCartmanhavetoteamuptoputastoptotheinappropriatebehavior.

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TRANSCRIPT:

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[SouthParkElementary,day,schoolhall.Thebellringsandthestudentsgototheirlockers.StanandKyleputsomebooksawayasCartmansharesanencounterwithKennyandtheothertwo.]

Cartman:

Andsothen,Iputmyfingerupmybutthole,right?

AndIwalkeduptoKellyNelson,andIsaid,"Doyousmelllemongrrass?

",andshesmelledmyfingerandpuked!

Hehehehe.Oh,guys,youshouldhavebeenthere.

AHallMonitor:

[aginger,hetapsonCartman'srightshoulder]Eric,Ihavetotakeyoutotheprincipal'soffice.

Cartman:

What?

Ididn'tdoit,KellyNelson'saliar!

HallMonitor:

I'vebeeninstructedtobringyoutotheprincipal'soffice.

Cartman:

Oh,suckmyballsyougingerJewrathallmonitor!

Punkassstoolie,whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare?

!

HallMonitor:

I'mjustdoin'myjob.

Cartman:

[tauntingandjabbingathim]I'mjuhduhduhduhhh!

Doyouknowwhyyou'reahallwaymonitor?

!

Becauseyoudon'thaveanyfriends!

Youshouldkillyourself!

Youshouldkillyourself!

!

PrincipalVictoria:

EricCartman,reporttotheprincipal'sofficeimmediately.

Cartman:

AwGoddamnit!

[Theprincipal'soffice,momentslater.Aknockisheardatthedoor.]

PrincipalVictoria:

Comeonin,Eric.[Cartmanandthehallmonitorenter]

Cartman:

[apologizes,butinablas?

fashion]I'msorry,PrincipalVictoria.Ididn'tmeantodoit,howcouldIhavebeensofoolish?

PrincipalVictoria:

Eric,thereasonwecalledyouinhereisbecauseitisyourturntobetheschoolhallwaymonitor.[theformerhallmonitorremoveshisbeltandsashandpreparestogivethemtoCartman]

Cartman:

Thehallmonit-me?

Mr.Mackey:

Youneedtowatchforbadbehavior,andmakesureanyoneinthehallsduringclasshassahallpass.M'kay?

[Cartmanreceivesthesashandtheformerhallmonitorleaves]

PrincipalVictoria:

Ifanyonedoesn't,youhavetheauthoritytobringthemtome.

Cartman:

[incredulous]Auth-authoritih?

Mr.Mackey:

NowEric,beingtheschoolhallywaymonitorisabigresponsibility.M'kay?

Itisimportantthatyoutakethejobseriously,andthatyoudon'tabusethepower.

Cartman:

Ahem.Me?

[Amontage.Firstsceneistheschoolhall.CartmanpopsupdressedasDogtheBountyHunter.Hewalksaroundandstrikesafewposes.HepocketsacanofBearSprayintoitsholster,makessurehehashandcuffs,thenresetshisfakefacialhair.Next,hepretendshe'sdrivingarealcar.Backatschool,hewalksintoviewandstrikesonemoredramaticpose,thenthePOVchangesandhe'swalkingtowardsthecamera.OnemorescenehashimturningthesteeringwheelofanSUV.]

Cartman:

There'sfearanddarknessallaroundyou

Thecriminalsareontherun

Nouseinnothavingyourhallpass

I'lltakeyoutotheprincipal'causeI'mtheDawg

IamtheDawg,thebigbadDawg

TheHallwayMonitor!

[laughsuntilahandappearsandknocksonthedriver'swindow.]

CarSalesman:

[opensthedoor]Hey,kid,getouttathere.

Cartman:

That'scool.I'mdonemakingmyvideoanyways.[leaves.Thevideoshootresumesatschool.Cartmanisonthejobwhenheturnsaroundandseessomeoneelseinthehall.Hestrikesadramaticposeandyells]Hallpass!

Showmeyourhallpass!

Boy:

What?

Cartman:

[shovestheboyintothelockersandwhipsouttheBearSpray]Youknowwhatthisis?

Thisisthemacethattheyuseonbears,faggot!

Nowletmeseeyourhallpass!

Boy:

It'srighthere.[reachesintohispocketandpullsitouttoshowhim]

Cartman:

[releasestheboy]Allright,cool,brah.GowithChrist.[turnsrightandwalksaway.Theboyisn'tquitefinished]

Boy:

What?

Youcan'tjustpushmeupagainstthe-

Cartman:

[kickstheboyaway]Argh!

Boy:

[fliesoutofview]Aah!

Cartman:

[marcheson]IamtheDawg,thebigbad-[stops]OhmyGod!

[seesawadofpaperonthefloor,runsuptopickitupandchecksitout]Whatthefuckisthis?

!

[Kindergarten.Thekindergartners'newteacherisshownteachingthemaboutshapes.She'sdrawnacircleandisnowdrawingasquare]

Teacher:

Andsothisshapewithfoursidesiswhat,class?

Cartman:

[burstsintotheclassroom]Boyarrrgh!

[everyoneturnstoseewhoitis.CartmanwalksuptoIke]IkeBroflovski!

Youlitteringmyhallway,brah?

!

Teacher:

Whatareyoudoing?

!

Cartman:

Ifoundthisinthehallway.[unfoldsthewadofpaper-it'sadrawingIkemadeofhisteacherwithheartsallaroundher]ApparentlyyourstudentIkehasacrushonyou.[Ikelooksaroundnervously]Yougotacrushonyourteacher,brah?

!

Keepitoutofmyhallway!

GowithChrist.Hereyougo.[handsthedrawingtotheteacherandheadsforthedoor]

Teacher:

Idon'tthinkthat'sreallynecessary.

Cartman:

Hey!

Idon'ttellyouhowtorunyourclass,don'ttellmehowtorunmyhallway!

[leavesandclosesthedoor]

Fillmore:

Ikehasacrushonteacher!

Class:

Ikehasacrushonteacher!

[theclasslaughs]

Teacher:

That'senough,class!

[theperiodendsandtheteacherbeginserasingthechalkboard]Okay,wellseeyoutomorrow,everybody.Ike,couldyoustayjustafewminutes,please?

[Fillmoretakeshiscrayongandleaves.TheteachermovestowardsIke]Ike,I'mveryflattered,byallofyourlovenotes,butIneedtobeclear.See,there'vebeenalotoffemaleteachersonthenewslatelywhohavebeenhavingrelationshipswithyoungmalestudentsand,peoplemightgetthewrongidea,eventhough...Idoadmireyou.Youaresosmartandgifted.Soomatureforyourage.

Ike:

Idon'tlikeMason.

Teacher:

Youlisten,andyoureallycareaboutwhatIhavetosay.YoumakemefeelthingsI'venever...[reachesouttoIkeandtoucheshisrighthand]feltbefore.[sheandIkeholdhands,butsheletsgoandleavesherseat]Ike,thisiscrazy.I'myourteacher.Howcanwebehavignthesefeelingsforeachother?

[turnsaroundandfaceshim]You'resomysterious,andIcan't...andIcan't...[beginstoswoon.Amontagefollows]

[SheandIkerubnosesasaheartframesthem.Theirshadowsrushupandhugeachother,thentwirlaroundtogetherasheartspulsateoutward.Theyholdhadnsagain.Shetakeshimouttodinnerandchattersaway.Shetakeshimouttoice-skateataskatingrink.Shetakeshimouttoadinnerpicnicbeforeasettingsun-theysharewineandcheese.Shetakeshimoutforarideonaduckboat-shedoesthedriving.Shehasanartistdrawapictureofthem.Theyhopontoamerry-go-roundandgetonhorses-sheblowsakissathimthere.ShetakeshimhomeandwatchesTVwithhim]

REOSpeedwagon:

AndIcan'tfightthisfeelin'anymore

I'veforgottenwhatIstartedfightin'for

AndifIhavetocrawluponthefloor

Comecrashin'throughyourdoor

Baby,Icantfightthisfeelin'anymore

[thelastsceneisthetwoofthemunderthecovers-lookslikeshewashavingfun]

Teacher:

Thatwasunbelievable.I'veneverfeltlikesuchawomanbefore.They'llsayourloveiswrong,butwecan'tletanybodyknow;they'llneverunderstand.[rollstoherrightandstartsmassagingIketenderly]Weweremeanttobe,Iknowit.Howelsecouldsexbethatincredible?

[laysbackdown]

Ike:

[oops]Ikemadeanuno.

[Theboy'sroomatSouthParkElementary.Buttersrushesinandtowardstheurinal.Onceinplace,hesetshishallpassaside,dropshispants,raiseshisshirt,andletsfly]

Butters:

Heythere,Mr.Wiener,whattayaknow?

Doyaneedtotinkletinkle?

[falsetto]YesIdothinkso.

Cartman:

[burstsintotherestroom.Buttersisstartled]Hands?

!

Letmeseethosehands!

Butters:

[backsoff]Haaaah!

Cartman:

[advances]Where'syourpass?

!

Showmeyourhallpass,brah!

Butters:

[looksaroundfranticallyforit]It's,it's...Ijusthadit!

[keepslooking,butCartmangrabshim...]

Cartman:

Iknewit!

[...slamshisheadagainstatoiletstall,thentosseshimtothefloor,cuffshim,andescortshimoutoftherestroom.Buttersdoesn'tgetachancetopullhispantsup.ThehallpassremainsonthesinkwhereButtersleftit.]

[Thewaitingroomoutsidetheprincipaloffice,momentslater.CartmanandButterswaitonthebenchoutside,andButtersstillhashispantsaroundhisankles]

Cartman:

Look,brah,Ihadtobringyouin,butIdon'thaveanyhardfeelin'sagainstyouallright?

Butters:

Huh?

Cartman:

Here,youneedasmoke,brah?

Butters:

Uhh,okay.[CartmanputsacigaretteintoButters'mouth,thenlightsitforhim]

Cartman:

You'vegottagiveyourselfovert