115 The One With the Stoned Guy.docx

115 The One With the Stoned Guy.docx

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115TheOneWiththeStonedGuy

115TheOneWiththeStonedGuy

[Scene:

CentralPerk,RachelisservingJoey,Ross,andMonicatheirdrinks.]

Rachel:

（toJoey）Coffee.（Handsittohim.）

Joey:

Thankyou.

Rachel:

（toRoss）Cappuccino.（Handsittohim.）

Ross:

Grazie.

Rachel:

AndanicehotciderforMonica.（Handsittoher.）

Monica:

Aww,thankyou.（Noticessomething.）UhRach?

Rachel:

Yeah?

Monica:

Whydoesmycinamonstickhaveaneraser?

Rachel:

Oh!

That'swhy.（Rachelchecksbehindherear,andfindsacinamonstick.）I'msorry!

（ShetakesthepenciloutofMonica'scoffeeandMonicaputshercupdownindisgust.）

OpeningCredits

[Scene:

Chandler'sjob,Chandleristypingdataintohiscomputer,hekeepstypingevenwhiletakingadrinkofcoffeewithonehand.Oneofhisco-workerswalksby.]

Woman:

Chandler.

Chandler:

Mrs.Tedlock.You'relookinglovelytoday.AndmayIsay,thatisaveryflatteringsleevelengthonyou.

Mrs.Tedlock:

Yes.Well,Mr.Kostelickwantsyoutostopbyhisofficeattheendoftheday.

Chandler:

Oh,listen.Ifthisisaboutthoseprankmemos,Ihadnothingtodowiththem.Really.Nothingatall.Really.（Chandlertriestohidearubberchickenfromthewoman.）Nothing.

[Scene:

CentralPerk,everyoneistherebutChandler.Phoeberunsin,excitedly.]

Phoebe:

Heyyouguys!

Chandler'scomingandhesayshehas,like,thisincrediblenews,sowhenhegetshere,wecouldallactlike,youknow...

（Chandlercomesin.）

Chandler:

Hey!

All:

Hey!

Phoebe:

Nevermind.Butitwasgoingtobereallygood.

Ross:

What'sgoingon?

All:

Whatisit?

Chandler:

So,it'satypicaldayatwork.I'minputtingmynumbers,andbigAlcallsmeintohisofficeandtellsmehewantstomakemeprocessingsupervisor.

All:

That'sgreat!

Chandler:

So....Iquit.

All:

Why?

Chandler:

Why?

Thiswassupposedtobeatempjob!

Monica:

Yeah,Chandler...you'vebeenthereforfiveyears.

Chandler:

IfItookthispromotion,it'dbelikeadmittingthatthisiswhatIactuallydo.

Phoebe:

Sowasitalotmoremoney?

Chandler:

Itdoesn'tmatter.Ijustdon'twanttobeoneofthoseguysthat'sinhisofficeuntiltwelveo'clockatnightworryingabouttheWENUS.

（Everyonelooksathim,confused.）

Rachel:

...theWENUS?

Chandler:

WeeklyEstimatedNetUsageSystems.Aprocessingterm.

Rachel:

（sarcastic）Oh.ThatWENUS.

Joey:

Sowhat'reyougoingtodo?

Chandler:

Idon'tknow.That'sthething.Idon'tknowwhatIwanttodo.IjustknowI'mnotgoingtofigureitoutworkingthere.

Phoebe:

Oooh!

Ihavesomethingyoucando!

Ihavethisnewmassageclient...Steve?

（pause）Anyway,he'sopeninguparestaurantandhe'slookingforaheadchef.

Monica:

（tapsPhoebeonhershoulder）Um...hithere.

Phoebe:

Hi!

（turnsbacktoChandler,thentoMonica）Oh,yeah,no,Iknow.You'reachef.Iknow,andIthoughtofyoufirst,butum,Chandler'stheonewhoneedsajobrightnow,so....

Chandler:

Yeah...Ijustdon'thavethatmuchcheffingexperience.Unlessit'sanall-toastrestaurant.

Phoebe:

（toMonica'stapping）Yeah,yeah!

Monica:

Well,whatkindoffoodishelookingfor?

Phoebe:

Well,hewantstodosomeecclectic,sohe'slookingforsomeonewhocan,youknow,createtheentiremenu.

Monica:

（excited）OhmyGod!

Phoebe:

Yeah,Iknow!

（turnstoChandler）So,whatdoyouthink?

Chandler:

Thanks,Phoebe.ButIjustdon'treallyseemyselfinabigwhitehat.

Phoebe:

OK.（pause）OhMonica!

Guesswhat!

[Scene:

MonicaandRachel's,Chandlerwalksin,wearingasuit.]

Chandler:

Canyouseemynipplesthroughthisshirt?

Rachel:

No.Butdon'tworry,I'msurethey'restillthere.

Phoebe:

Whereareyougoing,Mr.Suity-Man?

Chandler:

Well,IhaveanappointmenttoseeDr.RobertPillman,careercounselora-gogo.（pause）Iaddedthe"a-gogo."

Rachel:

Careercounselor?

Chandler:

Hey,youguysallknowwhatyouwanttodo.

Rachel:

Idon't!

Chandler:

Hey,youguysinthelivingroomallknowwhatyouwanttodo.Youknow,youhavegoals.Youhavedreams.Idon'thaveadream.

Ross:

Ah,thelesser-known"Idon'thaveadream"speech.

（Monicaenters,excited.）

Monica:

Oh,Ilovemylife,Ilovemylife!

Phoebe:

Ooh!

Brian'sSong!

Rachel:

Themeetingwiththeguywentgreat?

Monica:

Sogreat!

Heshowedmewheretherestaurant'sgoingtobe.It'sthis,it'sthiscutelittleplaceon10thStreet.Nottoobig,nottoosmall.Justright.

Chandler:

Wasitformerlyownedbyablondewomanandsomebears?

Monica:

Soanyway,I'mcookingdinnerforhimMondaynight.Youknow,kindoflikeanaudition.AndPhoebe,hereallywantsyoutobehere,whichwillbegreatformebecausethenyoucan'ooh'and'ahh'andmakeyummynoises.

Rachel:

Whatareyougoingtomake?

Phoebe:

（asthoughRachelwasn'tpayingattention）Yummynoises.

Rachel:

（pause）AndMonica,whatareyougoingtomake?

Monica:

Idon'tknow.Idon'tknow.It'sjustgoingtobesogreat!

Phoebe:

Ooh!

Iknowwhatyoucouldmake!

（runsovertojoinMonicaandRachelinthekitchen）Iknow!

Oh,youshoulddefinitelymakethatthing...youknow,withthestuff?

（Monicadoesn'tknow.）Youknow,thatthing...withthestuff...?

OK,Idon'tknow.（sitsdown）

Ross:

Heyguys,doesanybodyknowagooddateplaceintheneighborhood?

Joey:

HowaboutTony's?

Ifyoucanfinisha32-ouncesteak,it'sfree.

Ross:

OK,ahem,hey,doesanybodyknowagoodplaceifyou'renotdatingapuma?

Chandler:

Whoareyougoingoutwith?

Phoebe:

Oh,isthisthebuglady?

Rachel:

（tryingtosoundlikeabug）Bzzzz....Iloveyou,Ross.

Ross:

HernameisCelia.She'snotabuglady.She'scuratorofinsectsatthemuseum.

Rachel:

Sowhatareyouguysgoingtodo?

Ross:

Oh,Ijustthoughtwecouldgoouttodinner,andthenmaybebringherbacktomyplaceandI'dintroducehertomymonkey.

Chandler:

Andhe'snotspeakingmetaphorically.

Joey:

（asidetoRoss）So....backtoyourplace...youthinking,maybe...（gestureswithhands,backandforth）huh-huh?

Ross:

Well,Idon'tknow....（gestures）huh-huh....butI'mhoping（gestures）huh-huh.

Joey:

I'mtellingyou,thatmonkeyisachickmagnet!

She'sgoingtotakeonelookathisfurry,cutelittlefaceandit'llsealthedeal.

[Scene:

Ross'sapartment,MarcelishangingfromCelia'shair,andsheisscreaming,tryingtogethimoff.]

Ross:

Celia,don'tworry!

 Don'tscream!

 He'snotgoingtohurtyou!

Soothingtones,Celia.Soothingtones!

Marcel...

Celia:

Ican'tstandthis!

He'sgothisclawsinmy...

Ross:

Alright...（liftsMarcelaway）

[Scene:

MonicaandRachel's,everyoneistherebutRossandChandler.Monicaismakingfood,andhavingeveryonetryit.]

Monica:

（toJoey）OK,trythissalmonmousse.

Joey:

（tasting）Mmmm.Good.

Monica:

Isitbetterthantheothersalmonmousse?

Joey:

It'screamier.

Monica:

Yeah,well,isthatbetter?

Joey:

Idon'tknow.We'retalkingaboutwhippedfish,Monica.I'mjusthappyI'mkeepingitdown,y'know?

（Chandlerkicksthedoorclosed,angrily.Hisclothesareaskew,helooksbeat.）

Rachel:

MyGod!

Whathappenedtoyou?

Chandler:

Eightandahalfhoursofaptitudetests,intelligencetests,personalitytests...andwhatdoIlearn?

（hetapstheresultsandreadsthem）"Youareideallysuitedforacareerindataprocessingforalargemultinationalcorporation."

Phoebe:

That'ssogreat!

'Causeyoualreadyknowhowtodothat!

Chandler:

Canyoubelieveit?

Imean,don'tIseemlikesomebodywhoshouldbedoingsomethingreallycool?

Youknow,Ijustalwayspicturedmyselfdoingsomething...something.

Rachel:

（comesupandrubshimonthechest）OhChandler,Iknow,Iknow...oh,hey!

Youcanseeyournipplesthroughthisshirt!

Monica:

（bringsaplateoftinyappetizersover）Hereyougo,maybethis'llcheeryouup.

Chandler:

Ooh,youknow,Ihadagrapeaboutfivehoursago,soI'dbettersplitthiswithyou.

Monica:

It'ssupposedtobethatsmall.It'sapre-appetizer.TheFrenchcallitanamouz-bouche.

Chandler:

（tastesit）Well....itisamouz-ing...

（Phonerings.Monicaanswersit.）

Monica:

（onphone）Hello?

（Listens）Oh,hiWendy!

（Listens）Yeah,eighto'clock.（Listens）Whatdidwesay?

Tendollarsanhour?

...（Listens）OK,great.（Listens）Allright,I'llseeyouthen.Bye.（hangsup）

Phoebe:

Tendollarsanhourforwhat?

Monica:

Oh,Iaskedoneofthewaitressesatworkifshe'dhelpmeout.

Rachel:

（hurt）Waitressing?

Joey:

Uh-oh.

Monica:

Well...ofcourseIthoughtofyou!

But...but...

Rachel:

But,but?

Monica:

But,yousee,it'sjust...thisnighthastogojustperfect,youknow?

And,well,Wendy'smoreofa...professionalwaitress.

Rachel:

Oh!

Isee.AndI'vesortofbeenmaintainingmyamateurstatussothatIcanwaitressintheOlympics.

Chandler:

Youknow,Idon'tmeantobrag,butIwaitedtablesatInnsbruckin'76.（deadsilence）Amouz-bouche?

（holdsouttray）

[Scene:

Ross'apartment,Girl,You'llBeAWomanSoon（theoriginal,notthatcruddyUrgeOverkillversion）isplaying.RossandCeliaarekissingpassionately.]

Celia:

Talktome.

Ross:

OK....um,aweirdthinghappenedtomeonthetrainthismorning...

Celia:

Nonono.Talk...dirty.

Ross:

（embarrassed）Wha...what,here?

Celia:

Yes...

Ross:

Ah....

Celia:

Saysomething.....hot.

Ross:

（panicked）Er....um.....

Celia:

What?

Ross:

Um...uh....vulva.

CommercialBreak

[Scene:

ChandlerandJoey's,JoeyandRossarethere,discussingwhathappenedlastnight.]

Joey:

（indisbelief）Vulva?

Ross:

Alright,Ipanicked,alright?

Shetookmebysurprise.Youknow,butitwasn'tatotalloss.Imean,weendedupcuddling.

Joey:

（sarcastic）Whoaa!

!

Youcuddled?

Howmanytimes?

?

Ross:

Shutup!

Itwasnice.Ijust...Idon'tthinkI'mthedirty-talkingkindofguy,youknow?

Joey:

What'sthebigdeal?

Youjustsaywhatyouwanttodotoher.Orwhatyouwanthertodotoyou.Orwhatyouthinkotherpeoplemightbe