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UnitEightGeniusSacrificedforFailure

WhenMenGoApe,WomenGoShopping

Andthat’sallyouneedtoknowaboutgender

ByDaveBarry

1.You’reonatightdeadlinefordevelopingabigsalesproposal,butyou’vehitasnag.Youwanttogooneway;acolleaguenamedBobstronglydisagrees.Tobreakthedeadlock,you:

（a）presentyourposition,listentotheotherside,thenfashionacompromise;（b）punchBob.

2.Yourfavoriteteamisabouttowinthechampionship,butatthelastsecond,thevictoryisstolenawaybyaterriblereferee’scall.You:

（a）remindyourselfthatit’sjustagame,thattherearefarmoreimportantthingsinlife;（b）punchBob.

Howtoscore:

Ifyouanswered“b”tobothquestions,thenyouaremale.IbasethisstatementonanarticleintheNewYorkTimesaboutthewayanimals,includinghumans,respondtostress.Accordingtothearticle,agroupofpsychologyresearchershavemadethebreakthroughdiscoverythat–preparetobeastounded–malesandfemalesaredifferent.

Theresearchersdiscoveredthisbystudyingbothhumansandrats,whichareverysimilartohumansexceptthattheyarenotstupidenoughtopurchaselotterytickets.Thestudiesshowthatwhenmalesareunderstress,theyrespondbyeitherfightingorrunningaway–theso-called“fightorflight”syndrome.Femalesrespondbynurturingothersandmakingfriends–theso-called“tendandbefriend”syndrome.

Thisfindingisbignewsinthepsychologycommunity,whichisapparentlylocatedonadistantplanet.Hereonearth,we’vebeenawareforsometimethatmalesandfemalesresponddifferentlytostress.Weknowthatiftwomalesbumpintoeachother,they’llrespondlikethis:

FirstMale:

Hey,watchit!

SecondMale:

NO,YOUwatchit!

FirstMale:

Oh,yeah?

（Theydeliberatelybumpintoeachotheragain.）

Twofemalesinanidenticalsituationwillrespondlikethis:

FirstFemale:

I’mverysorry!

SecondFemale:

No,it’smyfault!

FirstFemale:

Say,thosesurearecuteshoes!

（Theygoshopping.）

Ifthepsychologycommunityneedsfurtherproofofthedifferencebetweenthesexes,IinviteittoattendthepartyheldinmyneighborhoodeachHalloween.Thispartyisattendedbyseveralhundredsmallchildrenwhoareexperiencingstressbecausetheirbloodstreams–asaresultoftheso-called“trickortreat”syndrome–containroughlythesamesugarcontentasCuba.Here’showthesexesrespond:

●Thefemales,97percentofwhomaredressedaseitheraballerinaoraprincess,sitinlittlesocialgroupsandexchangesweets.

●Themales,97percentofwhomaredressedaseitherBatmanoraPowerRanger,runaroundmakingmartial-artsnoisesandbouncingviolentlyoffoneanotherlikecrazedsubatomicparticles.

Herearesomeothergender-basedsyndromesthatthepsychologycommunitymightwanttolookinto:

●The“laundryrefolding”syndrome:

ThishasbeenwidelynotedbybothmeandmyfriendJeff.Themalewillattempttofoldapieceoflaundry.Whenheisdone,thefemale,withalookofdisapproval,willimmediatelypickitupandrefolditsothatitismuchneaterandsmaller.“Mywifecanmakeanentirebedsheetvirtuallydisappear,”Jeffreports.

●The“inflatablepooltoy”syndrome:

Fromthedawnofcivilization,thetaskofinflatinginflatablepooltoyshasfallentothemale.ItisoftenthefemalewhocomeshomewithaninflatablepooltoythesizeoftheHindenburg,causingtheyoungsterstobecomeveryexcited.Butitisinevitablythemalewhospendstwohoursblowingthetoyup,afterwhichhekeelsover,whilethekids,whohavebeenhelpingoutbywhiningimpatiently,leapjoyfullyontothetoy,puncturingitimmediately.

Ithinkpsychologyresearchersshouldfindoutifthesesyndromesexistinotherspecies.Theycouldputsomeratsintoacagewithtinypooltoysandminiaturepiecesoflaundry,thenwatchtoseewhathappens.Myguessisthattherewouldbefighting.Amongthemaleresearchers,Imean.It’sashame,thismaletendencytowardsaggression,whichhascausedsomanyhorribleproblemssuchaswarandicehockey.

Itfranklymakesmeashamedofmygender.

I’mgoingtopunchBob.

Exercises:

Explainthefollowingwordsorexpressionsaccordingtothereadingpassage.YoucanturntothelibraryandtheInternetforhelp.

1.the“fightorflight”syndrome

2.the“tendandbefriend”syndrome

3.the“trickortreat”syndrome

4.the“laundryrefolding”syndrome

5.the“inflatablepooltoy”syndrome

WhyWeLoveWhoWeLove

Therealreasonswhywechoosethatspecialsomeone.

ByDr.JoyceBrothers

YourParents'Influence

Haveyoueverknownamarriedcouplethatjustdidn'tseemasthoughtheyshouldfittogether--yettheyarebothhappyinthemarriage,andyoucan'tfigureoutwhy?

Iknowofonecouple:

Heisaburlyex-athletewho,inadditiontobeingasuccessfulsalesman,coachesLittleLeague,isactiveinhisRotaryClubandplaysgolfeverySaturdaywithfriends.Meanwhile,hiswifeispetite,quietandacompletehomebody.Shedoesn'tevenliketogoouttodinner.

Whatmysteriousforcedrivesusintothearmsofoneperson,whilepushingusawayfromanotherwhomightappearequallydesirabletoanyunbiasedobserver?

Ofthemanyfactorsinfluencingourideaoftheperfectmate,oneofthemosttelling,accordingtoJohnMoney,professoremeritusofmedicalpsychologyandpediatricsatJohnsHopkinsUniversity,iswhathecallsour"lovemap"--agroupofmessagesencodedinourbrainsthatdescribesourlikesanddislikes.Itshowsourpreferencesinhairandeyecolor,invoice,smell,bodybuild.Italsorecordsthekindofpersonalitythatappealstous,whetherit'sthewarmandfriendlytypeorthestrong,silenttype.

Inshort,wefallforandpursuethosepeoplewhomostclearlyfitourlovemap.Andthislovemapislargelydeterminedinchildhood.Byageeight,thepatternforouridealmatehasalreadybeguntofloataroundinourbrains.

WhenIlecture,Ioftenaskcouplesintheaudiencewhatdrewthemtotheirdatesormates.Answersrangefrom"She'sstrongandindependent"and"Igoforredheads"to"Ilovehissenseofhumor"and"Thatcrookedsmile,that'swhatdidit."

Ibelievewhattheysay.ButIalsoknowthatifIweretoaskthosesamemenandwomentodescribetheirmothers,therewouldbemanysimilaritiesbetweentheiridealmatesandtheirmoms.Yes,ourmothers--thefirstrealloveofourlives--writeasignificantportionofourlovemap.

Whenwe'relittle,ourmotheristhecenterofourattention,andwearethecenterofhers.Soourmother'scharacteristicsleaveanindelibleimpression,andweareforeverafterattractedtopeoplewithherfacialfeatures,bodytype,personality,evensenseofhumor.Ifourmotherwaswarmandgiving,asadultswetendtobeattractedtopeoplewhoarewarmandgiving.Ifourmotherwasstrongandeven-tempered,wearegoingtobeattractedtoafair-mindedstrengthinourmates.

Themotherhasanadditionalinfluenceonhersons:

shenotonlygivesthemcluestowhattheywillfindattractiveinamate,butalsoaffectshowtheyfeelaboutwomeningeneral.Soifsheiswarmandnice,hersonsaregoingtothinkthat'sthewaywomenare.Theywilllikelygrowupwarmandresponsiveloversandalsobecooperativearoundthehouse. 

Conversely,amotherwhohasadepressivepersonality,andissometimesfriendlybutthensuddenlyturnscoldandrejecting,mayraiseamanwhobecomesa"dance-awaylover."Becausehe'sbeensoscaredaboutlovefromhismother,heisafraidofcommitmentandmaypullawayfromagirlfriendforthisreason.

Whilethemotherdeterminesinlargepartwhatqualitiesattractusinamate,it'sthefather--thefirstmaleinourlives--whoinfluenceshowwerelatetotheoppositesex.Fathershaveanenormouseffectontheirchildren'spersonalitiesandchancesofmaritalhappiness.

Justasmothersinfluencetheirson'sgeneralfeelingstowardwomen,fathersinfluencetheirdaughter'sgeneralfeelingsaboutmen.Ifafatherlavishespraiseonhisdaughteranddemonstratesthatsheisaworthwhileperson,she'llfeelverygoodaboutherselfinrelationtomen.Butifthefatheriscold,criticalorabsent,thedaughterwilltendtofeelshe'snotverylovableorattractive.

Inaddition,mostofusgrowupwithpeopleofsimilarsocialcircumstances.Wehangaroundwithpeopleinthesametown;ourfriendshaveaboutthesameeducationalbackgroundsandcareergoals.Wetendtobemostcomfortablewiththesepeople,andthereforewetendtolinkupwithotherswhosefamiliesareoftenmuchlikeourown.

ComplementaryNeeds

Whataboutopposites?

Aretheyreallyattractedtoeachother?

Yesandno.Inmanywayswewantamirrorimageofourselves.Physicallyattractivepeople,forexample,areusuallydrawntoapartnerwho'sequallyattractive.

RobertWinch,alongtimesociologyprofessoratNorthwesternUniversity,statedinhisresearchthatourchoiceofamarriagepartnerinvolvesanumberofsocialsimilarities.Buthealsomaintainedthatwelookforsomeonewithcomplementaryneeds.Atalkerisattractedtosomeonewholikestolisten,oranaggressivepersonalitymayseekoutamorepassivepartner.

It'sratherliketheold,butperceptive,sayingonthesubjectofmarriagethatadvisesfuturepartnerstomakesurethattheholesinone'sheadfitthebumpsintheother's.Or,asWinchobserved,it'sthebalancingoutofsociologicallikenessesandpsychologicaldifferencesthatseemstopointthewayforthemostsolidlifelongromance.

However,thereareinstanceswherepeopleofdifferentsocialbackgroundsendupgettingmarriedandbeingextremelyhappy.Iknowofoneman,afactoryworkerfromatraditionalIrishfamilyinChicago,whofellinlovewithanAfricanAmericanBaptist.Whentheygo