TED英语演讲真正的强大.docx

TED英语演讲真正的强大.docx

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TED英语演讲真正的强大

TED英语演讲：

真正的强大

有多少人能够正视自己的弱点，接受它，并且坚信即使这样的自己不完美，但也值得被爱?

比起如果把自己伪装、硬撑得完美起来，接受自己的不完美，并承认那才是一切创造力、勇气和革新的发源地，才是快乐的最简单方式。

TED演讲：

真正的强大，是敢于面对那个脆弱而不完美的自己

演讲稿

So,I’llstartwiththis:

acoupleyearsago,aneventplannercalledmebecauseIwasgoingtodoaspeakingevent.Andshecalled,andshesaid,I’mreallystrugglingwithhowtowriteaboutyouonthelittleflyer.AndIthought,Well,what’sthestruggle?

Andshesaid,Well,Isawyouspeak,andI’mgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink,butI’mafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewille,becausethey’llthinkyou’reboringandirrelevant.

AndIwaslike,Okay.Andshesaid,ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalkisyou’reastoryteller.SoIthinkwhatI’lldoisjustcallyouastoryteller.Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofmewaslike,You’regoingtocallmeawhat?

Andshesaid,I’mgoingtocallyouastoryteller.AndIwaslike,Whynot‘magicpixie’?

Iwaslike,Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond.Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage.AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller.I’maqualitativeresearcher.Icollectstories;that’swhatIdo.Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul.AndmaybeI’mjustastoryteller.AndsoIsaid,Youknowwhat?

Whydon’tyoujustsayI’maresearcher-storyteller.Andshewent,Haha.There’snosuchthing.

SoI’maresearcher-storyteller,andI’mgoingtotalktoyoutoday--we’retalkingaboutexpandingperception--andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestoriesaboutapieceofmyresearchthatfundamentallyexpandedmyperceptionandreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandloveandworkandparent.

Andthisiswheremystorystarts.WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent,myfirstyear,Ihadaresearchprofessorwhosaidtous,Here’sthething,ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist.AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme.Iwaslike,Really?

andhewaslike,Absolutely.AndsoyouhavetounderstandthatIhaveabachelor’sandamaster’sinsocialwork,andIwasgettingmy.insocialwork,somyentireacademiccareerwassurroundedbypeoplewhokindofbelievedinthelife’smessy,loveit.AndI’mmoreofthe,life’smessy,cleanitup,organizeitandputitintoabentobox.

AndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway,tofoundacareerthattakesme--really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialworkis,Leanintothedisfortofthework.AndI’mlike,knockdisfortupsidetheheadandmoveitoverandgetallA’s.Thatwasmymantra.SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis.AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme,becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics.ButIwanttobeabletomakethemnotmessy.Iwanttounderstandthem.IwanttohackintothesethingsthatIknowareimportantandlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.

SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection.Because,bythetimeyou’reasocialworkerfor10years,whatyourealizeisthatconnectioniswhywe’rehere.It’swhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives.Thisiswhatit’sallabout.Itdoesn’tmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjustice,mentalhealthandabuseandneglect,whatweknowisthatconnection,theabilitytofeelconnected,is--neurobiologicallythat’showwe’rewired--it’swhywe’rehere.

SoIthought,youknowwhat,I’mgoingtostartwithconnection.Well,youknowthatsituationwhereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss,andshetellsyou37thingsthatyoudoreallyawesome,andoneopportunityforgrowth?

Andallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunityforgrowth,right?

Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell,because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove,theytellyouaboutheartbreak.Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging,they’lltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiencesofbeingexcluded.Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection,thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.

Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch--IranintothisunnamedthingthatabsolutelyunraveledconnectioninawaythatIdidn’tunderstandorhadneverseen.AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearchandthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis.Anditturnedouttobeshame.Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstoodasthefearofdisconnection:

Istheresomethingaboutmethat,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit,thatIwon’tbeworthyofconnection?

ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:

It’suniversal;weallhaveit.Theonlypeoplewhodon’texperienceshamehavenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection.Noonewantstotalkaboutit,andthelessyoutalkaboutit,themoreyouhaveit.Whatunderpinnedthisshame,thisI’mnotgoodenough,--which,weallknowthatfeeling:

I’mnotblankenough.I’mnotthinenough,richenough,beautifulenough,smartenough,promotedenough.Thethingthatunderpinnedthiswasexcruciatingvulnerability.Thisideaof,inorderforconnectiontohappen,wehavetoallowourselvestobeseen,reallyseen.

AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutvulnerability.Ihatevulnerability.AndsoIthought,thisismychancetobeatitbackwithmymeasuringstick.I’mgoingin,I’mgoingtofigurethisstuffout,I’mgoingtospendayear,I’mgoingtototallydeconstructshame,I’mgoingtounderstandhowvulnerabilityworks,andI’mgoingtooutsmartit.SoIwasready,andIwasreallyexcited.Asyouknow,it’snotgoingtoturnoutwell.

Youknowthis.So,Icouldtellyoualotaboutshame,butI’dhavetoborroweveryoneelse’stime.Buthere’swhatIcantellyouthatitboilsdownto--andthismaybeoneofthemostimportantthingsthatI’veeverlearnedinthedecadeofdoingthisresearch.

Myoneyearturnedintosixyears:

Thousandsofstories,hundredsoflonginterviews,focusgroups.Atonepoint,peopleweresendingmejournalpagesandsendingmetheirstories--thousandsofpiecesofdatainsixyears.AndIkindofgotahandleonit.Ikindofunderstood,thisiswhatshameis,thisishowitworks.Iwroteabook,Ipublishedatheory,butsomethingwasnotokay--andwhatitwasisthat,ifIroughlytookthepeopleIinterviewedandpidedthemintopeoplewhoreallyhaveasenseofworthiness--that’swhatthisesdownto,asenseofworthiness--theyhaveastrongsenseofloveandbelonging--andfolkswhostruggleforit,andfolkswhoarealwayswonderingifthey’regoodenough.

Therewasonlyonevariablethatseparatedthepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingandthepeoplewhoreallystruggleforit.Andthatwas,thepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingbelievethey’reworthyofloveandbelonging.That’sit.Theybelievethey’reworthy.Andtome,thehardpartoftheonethingthatkeepsusoutofconnectionisourfearthatwe’renotworthyofconnection,wassomethingthat,personallyandprofessionally,IfeltlikeIneededtounderstandwhatIdidisItookalloftheinterviewswhereIsawworthiness,whereIsawpeoplelivingthatway,andjustlookedatthose.

Whatdothesepeoplehaveinmon?

Ihaveaslightofficesupplyaddiction,butthat’sanothertalk.SoIhadamanilafolder,andIhadaSharpie,andIwaslike,whatamIgoingtocallthisresearch?

Andthefirstwordsthatcametomymindwerewhole-hearted.Thesearewhole-heartedpeople,livingfromthisdeepsenseofworthiness.SoIwroteatthetopofthemanilafolder,andIstartedlookingatthedata.Infact,Ididitfirstinafour-day,veryintensivedataanalysis,whereIwentback,pulledtheinterviews,thestories,pulledtheincidents.What’sthetheme?

What’sthepattern?

MyhusbandlefttownwiththekidsbecauseIalwaysgointothisJacksonPollockcrazything,whereI’mjustwritingandinmyresearchermode.

Andsohere’swhatIfound.Whattheyhadinmonwasasenseofcourage.AndIwanttoseparatecourageandbraveryforyouforaminute.Courage,theoriginaldefinitionofcourage,whenitfirstcameintotheEnglishlanguage--it’sfromtheLatinwordcor,meaningheart--andtheoriginaldefinitionwastotellthestoryofwhoyouarewithyourwholeheart.Andsothesefolkshad,verysimply,thecouragetobeimperfect.Theyhadthepassiontobekindtothemselvesfirstandthentoothers,because,asitturnsout,wecan’tpracticepassionwithotherpeopleifwecan’ttreatourselveskindly.Andthelastwastheyhadconnection,and--thiswasthehardpart--asaresultofauthenticity,theywerewillingtoletgoofwhotheythoughttheyshouldbeinordertobewhotheywere,whichyouhavetoabsolutelydothatforconnection.

Theotherthingthattheyhadinmonwasthis:

Theyfullyembracedvulnerability.Theybelievedthatwhatmadethemvulnerablemadethembeautiful.Theydidn’ttalkaboutvulnerabilitybeingfortable,nordidtheyreallytalkaboutitbeingexcruciating--asIhadhearditearlierintheshamejusttalkedaboutitbeingnecessary.Theytalkedaboutthewillingnesstosay,Iloveyoufirst...thewillingnesstodosomethingwheretherearenoguarantees...thewillingnesstobreathethroughwaitingforthedoctortocallafteryourmammogram.They’rewillingtoinvestinarelationshipthatmayormaynotworkout.Theythoughtthiswasfundamental.

Ipersonallythoughtitwasbetrayal.IcouldnotbelieveIhadpledgedallegiancetoresearch,whereourjob--youknow,thedefinitionofresearchistocontrolandpredict,tostudyphenomenafortheexplicitreasontocontrolandpredict.Andnowmymissiontocontrolandpredicthadturneduptheanswerthatthewaytoliveiswithvulnerabilityandtostopcontrollingandpredicting.Thisledtoalittlebreakdown--

Anditdid.

Icallitabreakdown;mytherapistcallsitaspiritualawakening.

Aspiritualawakeningsoundsbetterthanbreakdown,butIassureyou,itwasabreak