South Park803.docx

South Park803.docx

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SouthPark803

SouthPark

8.03-ThePassionOfTheJew

[Cartman'shouse,day.Aminivanrocksgentlyonthestreet.Inside,theboysmaketheirinterpretationsofspaceshipnoises.Goodboysthattheyare,they'restrappedin.They'rewearingfootballhelmetsandmakeshiftStarfleetuniforms]

Cartman:

[inthedriver'sseat]CaptainCartmanreportingfromShuttlecraftSpontaneity.ApproachingplanetOmegaNine.

Stan:

Warpdrivedisengaged.Landingsequenceinitiated.

Cartman:

Whatkindofatmosphereareyoureadingontheplanetsurface,Jew?

Kyle:

I'maVulcan!

Cartman:

Allright,whatkindofatmosphereareyoureading,VulcanJew?

Kyle:

[lookingintoanimaginaryviewer]Theatmosphereisoxygen-based,shouldsupportourbreathing.

Cartman:

Allright,hangon.We'reabouttoland.[theboysmakelandingnoises,withStanfinishingoffwithathump.CartmanandStanremovetheirseatbelts]Okay,FirstOfficerStanandEngineerKenny,youcomewithmeontheawayteam.VulcanJewKylewillwaithere.

Kyle:

No!

I'montheawayteamtoo!

[heandKennyremovetheirbelts]

Cartman:

[looksback]It'smyMom'snewminivan,soI'mthecaptain,Kyle!

Kyle:

Idon'tcare!

You'renotmakingmewaitinthevanagain!

Cartman:

Fine,Kyle!

Butifsomethinggoeswrongoutthereontheplanetsurface,don'tholdmeresponsible.

[Thesidedoorslidesopen.Cartmanleadstheotherthreeout,soKylejoinsthemafterall.]

Cartman:

Setphasersonstun.

Stan:

Thingsseemprettyquiet.

Cartman:

Yes.Alittletooquiet.

Kyle:

Iampickingupcarbon-basedlifeformsinSectorC.Ibelievewewillfindavillageofpeacefulaliensoverthatridge.[Cartmansighssilently]

Cartman:

Okay,fine,Iguesswe'lllookfor-Ohno!

!

Lookout!

!

It'sagiantfour-headedlavafrog!

!

Shootit!

!

[theboystaketheirpositionsandstartfiringaway]Ohno,itgotKyle!

!

Kyle:

[stopsfiringandstandsstill]Noitdoesn't.[theotherboyscontinuewiththeirphasernoises]

Cartman:

Aw,itgotKyleandit'stearinghisheadoff!

!

[pretendstobethemonsterrippingKyle'sheadoff]Awyouguys,itlookslikeKyleisdonefor.

Kyle:

NoI'mnot!

GoddamnitCartman,you'renotgonnakillmeoffagain!

Cartman:

Agh!

Youseeguys,thisiswhyyoudon'tbringJewsalongontheawayteam:

theydon'tplayalong!

Kyle:

ShutupaboutJews,fatass!

Youdon'tknowanything!

Stan:

OhGod,herewegoagain.

Cartman:

Ohyeah?

!

IsawMelGibson'smovie,ThePassion,andMelGibsonsays,inthemovie,JewsaretheDevil!

Kyle:

Hedoesnot!

Cartman:

Howdoyouknow?

!

I'veseenThePassionthirty-fourtimesnow,Kyle!

Youhaven'tseenitonce!

There'sevenonepartwheretheJewshaveachancetosaveJesus,andyouknowwhattheydo?

TheyletBarabbas,aserialkiller,gofreeinsteadandlaughaboutit.

Kyle:

Nawuh!

Cartman:

Goseethemovie,Kyle!

!

Stan:

Thatdoesit!

I'msickofyouguysarguingaboutThePassion!

I'moutofhere.

Kenny:

（Metoo!

）[theyleave]

Kyle:

I'mnotarguingaboutThePassion!

He'sbeinganasshole!

Cartman:

Youknowwhatitis?

You'rescared.You'rescaredofthetruth.Youdon'twantthatmovietoshowyoujusthowbadtheJewsare,andwhyeveryonehatesyou.

Kyle:

Peopledon'thatetheJews!

Cartman:

[focusesKyle'sattentiontohim]Really?

Threehundredmilliondomesticbox-office,Kyle.Thetop-grossingfilmofalltime,Kyle.Thosenumbersdon'tlie.Ifyou'renotscaredofThePassionthengoseeit.GoseeitandtellmeI'mwrong.MelGibson,Kyle.MelGibson.

Kyle:

...You'reastupidasshole!

[turnsandwalksoff.CartmanturnsleftandglancesatKyle]

Cartman:

Sweeet,nowIcanjustplaywithmyself.[firesoffhisphaser]Pewpeww-pewww!

Getbackintheshuttlecraft!

[racesintotheminivan]

[TheBijou,day.MelGibson'sThePassionofTheChristisnowplaying.Kylewalksuptotheticketbooth,stops,turnsback,stopsagain,andstepsuptothewindow.Hegivesthecashier$20]

Kyle:

Oneplease.

Shlomo:

ThisisanR-ratedmovie.

Kyle:

Yeah,Iknow,butIhaveto-

Shlomo:

But,becausethisissuchanimportantfilmthatactuallydepictstheselflessactofJesusChrist,I'llletyouintoseeit.

Kyle:

...Thanks.[makeshiswaytowardsthedoors,glancingbackatthecashierinwonder]

[TheBijou,inside.Kyleentersandmakeshiswaytoaseat.Hewatches.]

Soldier1:

HacbashtudChristo.

Soldier2:

EtlacHesus.Belacaveshtad.

Jesus:

Wa!

[thewhippingbeginsandJesusscreams.Thisgoesonforalooooongtime.Kyle'smouthwidens,hiseyesgetbigger.Nextscene,he'sgothiscoatoverhismouthandhe'salmostinafetalposition.Nextscenehashimturnedtohisleft,grimacing,hishatpulledoverhisearsashewinces.Nextscenehashimtrembling]

Kyle:

Haaaah!

[NextscenehasKylewithhiseyessqueezedshutandhishandsoverhisface.He'snowcurledupinaball]

Jesus:

Non.Non.Nono,non,non,WAAAAHH!

!

[thewhippingcontinuesandKyledarestopeekagain.Hisstomachreactsandhevomits.Nextscenehashimalmostpassedoutwithvomitdribblingfromhischin.ThefilmendsandKyledoesn'tmove.]

[TheBijou,outside.Kylewalksoutsideinadaze.]

Kyle:

How?

HowcouldtheJewsdothattoJesus?

Shlomo:

Prettybrutal,isn'tit?

Kindawannamakeyouchangeyourlife,huh?

[Cartman'shouse,day.He'sonthecoucheatingcereal]

Announcer:

Andnow,backtoTerranceandPhillip.[thedoorbellrings]

Phillip:

HeyTerrance,IthinkIhavea-

Cartman:

Mom!

Doorbell!

Terrance:

Wait,beforeyoudo,pullmythumb.[asecondlaughterandlaughterisheard.]

Cartman:

[thedoorbellrings]Mom!

Answerthedoor!

Terrance:

HeyPhillip,guesswhat?

Cartman:

Goddamnit,lazy-asswhore.[getsupandanswersthedoorhimself.]

Phillip:

What?

[Terrancefarts.CartmanopensthedoorandseesKylesoakingwetfromaheavyrain]

Kyle:

Youwereright.Youwererightallalong.IthoughtyouwerejustanassholewhenyourippedonJews,but...Ididn'tknow,I...Ididn'tknow.

Cartman:

It'sokay,Kyle.It'sokay.Just...saythatfirstpartagain?

Kyle:

Youwere,youwereright?

Cartman:

[closeshiseyesandrelishesthemoment]Mmm,onemoretime,Kyle.

Kyle:

Youwereright.[Cartmanopenshiseyesandbeamsbrightly]

[Cartman'shouse,hisbedroom.Cartman'sonhisknees]

Cartman:

Iwanttothankyouforalltheblessingsyouhavebroughtme.Youhaveshownmethewaysomanytimesinthepastand...nowyouaremakingallmydreamscometrue.Yougivemestrengthwhenthereisdoubt,andIpraiseyouforallyouhavedone.[ashotofMelGibson'sposter,withoutthe"Braveheart"onit.]Onlyyou,MelGibson,havehadthewisdomandthecouragetoshowtheworldthetruth.FromthisdayforwardIwilldedicatemylifetomakingsureyourfilmisseenbyeveryone.Iwillorganizethemassessothatwemaydothybidding.HailMelGibson.Amen.

[Stan'shouse.HeandKennyareinhisbedroomreadinganewspaper.]

Stan:

Lookatthat,dude.ThePassionhasmadealmost400milliiondollarsattheboxofficenow.

Kenny:

（Goddamn.）

Stan:

[rises]Everyoneinthecountry'sgonnaseethatmovie.Iguess...wehavetogeseeittoo.

[TheBijou,day.Nocloudsaround.StanandKennysitinsideinthemiddle,lookingatthemovie.Themovieends]

Stan:

Dude.Thatmoviesucked.

Kenny:

（Yeah,ittotallysucked!

）

Stan:

Howcantheyevencallthatamovie?

Kenny:

（Idunno）

Stan:

That'sbullcrapdude,let'sgogetourmoneyback.

Kenny:

（Yeah!

）[theyleavetheirseats]

[TheBijou,outside.Acoupleemerges]

Jack:

Wow,Ididn'trealizehowhorribleChrist'sdeathwas.

Elise:

Meneither.Ohhoney,let'sbegoodChristiansfromnowon!

[theywalkoff,screenleft.Asecondcoupleemerges]

Man1:

[redshirt,greensweater]IthinkifmorepeoplesawThePassionthey'dhavefaithinJesus.

Woman1:

[orangeblouse,necklace]Yeah,itreallyguilt-tripsyouintobelieving.[theywalkoff,screenright.StanandKylecomeoutandapproachthewindow]

Stan:

Hey,wewantourmoneyback.

Shlomo:

Huh?

Stan:

Thatmoviesuckedass.Giveusbackoureighteendollars.

Shlomo:

Ican'trefundyourmoney.Yousatthroughthewholemovie.

Stan:

Thatwasn'tamovie,thatwasasnufffilm!

Kenny:

（Yeah!

）

Stan:

Youcan'tchargepeopletowatchaguygettorturedfortwohours!

Shlomo:

ThatguyhappenedtobeJesus,andhewentthroughallthattopayforYOURSINS!

Stan:

Wegotochurchtolearnthatstuff!

Wegotomoviestobeentertained!

Weweren'tentertained,andwewantourmoneyback!

Shlomo:

I'mnowallowedtogiveyouyourmoneybackafteryousatthroughthewholemovie!

You'dhavetotakeyourcomplaintupwiththefilm'sproducers.

Stan:

W-what?

MelGibson?

You'resayingwehavetogetourmoneybackfromMelGibson?

Shlomo:

Yeah.I'dliketoseeyoutry.

Stan:

Oh,wewill!

ThisisAmerica!

AndinAmerica,ifsomethingsucks,you'resupposedtobeabletogetyourmoneyback!

Comeon,Kenny!

[heandKennystormoff]

[Kyle'shouse,night.Kyletossesandturnswhileasleep.Scenesfromthemoviefillhismind:

Jesuscarryingthecrosspastthehighpriests,whohavescowlingfaces.FlashesofRenaissancePassionartgoby]

Priests:

Killhim!

Guilty!

Killhim!

[sketchesofthenaildriventhroughtheleftpalmareanimated,thenarealisticviewofJesuscrucified]Killhim!

Killhim!

Die!

Kyle:

KillJesus!

Yesss!

Arrrgh!

[aswordpiercesJesus'side.TheonepiercinghimisKylehimself,whoseemstoberelishingthis,ashepiercesJesusafewmoretimes.Areviewofimages,thenanimageofAlanAlda,andKylewakesupfrightened.Afterafewscreamshelooksaround]