哈佛幸福课第十一课英文字幕.docx

哈佛幸福课第十一课英文字幕.docx

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哈佛幸福课第十一课英文字幕

PositivePsychology–Lecture11

Hi!

Goodmorning!

Sotoday'slectureisaboutchange.Andthingsaregoingtochangetoday.Ourrelationshipisgoingtochangetoday.Sostaytuned.Lasttime,lasttimeweendedbytalkingaboutthedifferentkindsofchange.Thefirstapproach—thegradualapproach,likewaterwearingdownstone,chippingawaygraduallyslowlytakingourtime.Thesecondapproach—theacutechange,thesledgehammerbreakingstonecreatinganewpathway,anewchannel.Theimportantthingtokeepinmindwithbothformsofchanges,withallformsofchanges,lastingchangethatis—whichiswhatweareabout—notjustthespikeandthereturntobaselevel.Thethingtokeepinmindaboutchangeisthatneitherisquick-fix.Evenwhenwepickupthatsledgehammer,evenwhenwepickitup,weneedtodoalotofworkbeforethepreparation.Soforexample,gradualchange,slowchangewouldbedoingthegratitudeexerciseeveryday,slowlybecomingmoreandmoreofabenefitfinder,graduallylookingmoreatthepositive,creatinganewneuralpathwayneuronbyneuron.Rememberneuroplasticityandneurogenesis—twoveryimportantconcepts.Becausejustbyknowingbyunderstandingthatourbrainchangesinandofitselfmakesusmorelikelytochange.AndthisisworkdonebyCarolDweck,whomI'lldiscussinfuturecourseswhenwediscussperfectionism.AndthenthesledgehammerexampleisliketheEurekaexperience—thegreatinsightthatdoesn'tcomeinavacuum.Itcomesafteralotofhardworkafteralotofpreparation.Youknowthe99%ofperspirationthatleadstothatinspiration.Sonoquick-fix.Andthebeliefinquick-fix,theexpectationofthequick-fix—thatisoneofthereasonswhylevelsofthedepressionaresohightoday.Becausepeoplearefrustrated.Theyaredisappointed.Theythinkthere'ssomethingwrongwiththemwhentheydon'tsucceedinthequick-fix.Buttheyhavejust…Ijustwriteinthebookthatit'spossibleifIdothesefivethings,I'dbehappyfortherestofmylife.AndIdothesefivethings,andI'mnothappier.AndIbegintoquestionmyself.Noquick-fix.Ittakestime.Nofiveeasystepstohappiness.

Beforewegotothechangeprocess,thereareafewthingsweneedtounderstand.Thefirstthingtounderstandisthis—doI,doyoureallywanttochange?

Andit'snotatrivialquestion.Itisnotarhetoricalquestionbecauseveryoftenontheconsciouslevelwemaybesayingyes,butonthesubconsciouslevelsomethingisstoppingus.Letmeshowyouanexample.SothisisthestudydonebyLangerand…andThompsonbackinthe80s.Andhereiswhattheydid.Theybroughtstudentsinorparticipantsin.Andtheyaskedthemwhethertheywantedtogetridofcertaincharacteristics,likerigidityorbeinggullibleorgrimness.Andtheyaskedthemwhethertheywantedtogetridofthesecharacteristicsandwhethertheysucceededinbecomingbetterinthisarea.Wereyouabletointroducechange,sowereyouabletoactuallybecomelessrigid,ifthiswasimportantforyoutochange,orlessgullible,orlessgrim?

Sothisisthefirsttwoquestionsthattheyasked.Didyouwanttoimproveit?

Didyouwannachangethis?

Andthenafter,theyansweredthesequestions.Therewasthesecondpartofthestudywheretheyaskedthemtoevaluatethepositive…thefollowingpositivecharacteristics.Consistency,isitimportanttoyou?

Isitimportanttoyoutobetrustworthy?

Andhowimportantitisforyoutobeandtobeperceivedasaseriousperson?

Andhereistheinterestingfindingofthisresearch.Thoseindividualswhoratedthepositivetraits—theonesinyellowwhoratedthemhigh—aspersonallyimportanttothemwerelesslikelytochangethenegatives.Doyouunderstandimplicationsofthestudy?

Let'ssayIdowannagetridofrigidity.Idon'tlikebeingrigid.However,atthesametime,consistencyisaveryimportantvaluetome.I'mlesslikelytochangemyrigiditybecausetheyareassociatedinmymind.Andyeah,Idon'twanttoberigid.Butatthesametimesubconsciousistalkinghere—Iwanttobeconsistent.Don'tletgoofthisrigiditybecauseIcouplethem,Iassociatethemtogether.NotwantingtogetridofonebecauseIdon'twantthebabyoutwiththebathwater.Andtometheyarelinked.Thesamewithgullibilityandtrustworthiness.Wecansaythattheothersideofgullibilitysomeonewho'strustworthy.Nowgoingtotheextreme.Ibecomegullible.However,Idon'tgetridofmygullibilitybecauseIdon'twanttoalsogetridofmytrustworthiness.Samewithgrim.Imaybegrimbutthat'salsosubconsciouslyasignofmyseriousness.

Youknowforyears,literallyyears,whenI'vebeenthinkingandwritingandanalyzingthenotionofperfectionism,Icouldn'tunderstandwhyitdidn'tgetbetter,forverylongtime.BecauseIknewperfectionismwashurtingme.Ireadtheresearch.Ilookthroughpersonalexperiences.Iknewitwashurtingmeintermsofmywell-beingforsure,butalsointhelongtermintermsofmysuccess.AndyetIcouldn'tgetridofperfectionismuntilIreadthestudy.AndIaskedmyself,What'stiedinmymind?

Whatgoeshandinhandisdriveandambition.AndifIhadtodefinemyself—thisisoneofthefirstthings—andbecauseIdidn'twanttolosethesecharacteristics,mysubconsciousdidn'tletme,stoppedmefromgettingridoftheperfectionism,perfectionismwhichIdefineasadebilitatingfearoffailure.We'llhaveawholeweekonperfectionism.Sowe'llgetmoreindepthifyou'llunderstandwhatitmeans.AnditwasonlyonceIunderstoodthatformethesetwothingsgohandinhand,Iwasabletounpackthemtodistinguishthem.IsaidIwanttokeeponenottheother.Orforexample,worryandanxiety.LookI'vementionedthesemanytimesbefore,nexttimeI'lltalktoyouabouttheprocessthatIunderwenttoovercomeanxiety.PartofmesincethetimeIcan'tremembermyselfbeinganxiouswhetherit'sbeforematchesinsquash,whetherit'sbeforeexams,whetherit'sbeforespeakingupinsectionwhenIwasanundergrad.AndIwantedtostopthat.Ididn'twantthat.However,Ididn'tletgoofworryandanxietybecauseIalsosortwithresponsibility.WellifI'manxious,itcanmeanI'mresponsible.SoIprepareforclassmuchmoreasopposedtojustletgoandbecomeaslacker.SoIassociatedapositivetraitwhichisresponsibility.AndrememberBrandon?

Nooneiscomingveryimportanttrait—responsibility.Butthatpreventedmefromlettinggo—subconsciouslevel,notconsciousoftheworryandanxietythatIoftenexperienced.Guilt,againthereisgoodguilt,thereisbadguilt.Youknowitis.Well,Idon'twanttogetridofguiltbecausewhatthatmeansI'mnotbeingempathicandsensitivetowardotherpeople.Veryoftenweconnectthetwo.Theygohandinhand.Anothercoupleisthenotionofsimplifying.Thisissomethingverypersonaltome.IwantedtodolessbecauseIknewthattakingontoomanyactivitieswasactuallyhurtingme…washurtingmyproductivity,creativity,well-being.Icouldn'tsimplify.Why?

BecauseIassociateitinmymindwithlosingmyedge.SoIdidn'tletgo.Orfault-finding—wetalkedaboutthisaweekago.Whydopeoplenotletgooffault-finding?

Whydotheyremainpessimistic?

Becausetheyconnectitwiththesenseofrealism.Idon'twannastopbeingrealistic.Idon'twannabeoneofthosedetachedPollyannas.AndthereforeIdon'tletgoofmyfault-finding.

Happiness.Oneofthemostsignificantbarriertopeople'shappinessisthattheyassociatehappinesswithslackingoff,becausethedominantparadigm.IfI'mhappynow,Iignoreexperiencingpain.ItmeansI'mlettinggo.ItmeansI'mnotgonnabesuccessful.ItmeansI'mgonnalosemyedge.ItmeansI'mgonnalosemydriveandambition.Sooursubconsciouspreferstokeep…keepusunhappy,sothatwedon'tlosetheotherthingsthatwevaluehighly,thingssuchasambition,thingssuchashavinganedge,thingssuchasourhardwork.Nowofcourse,whenwelookatthemweknowthattheydon'tnecessarilyhavetogohandinhand.Onthecontrary,forexample,happiness,weknowfromthebroadenandbuildtheory—thepositiveemotionsareactuallyassociatedwithhigherlevelsofsuccess—whereasI'lltalkaboutafterspringbreak,whenwetalkaboutperfectionism.Weknowfromresearch,you'llbeabletoconnectitalsointheperson.Manyofyouwillbeabletoconnectitinthepersonallevel.Weknowthatlettinggoofthisfearoffailureandcoping,puttingourselvesonthelinemore,learningfromfailureslookingatitasa…asasteppingstonethatcontributestooursuccessinthelongterm.Itdoesn'tneedtotakeawayfromourdriveandambitiononthecontrary.Andthekeyifwewannaovercomethisfearoffailureortheworry/anxiety,ortheguilt,ortheslackofhappiness,orgettingabetterunderstandingofthesecharacteristics.Forexample,understandingthatIwanttoletgoofmyfearoffailure,thedebilitatingfearoffailure,notjustfearoffailure,becauseeveryoneisafraidoffailuretosomeextent,buttoletgoofthedebilitatingfearoffailureandyetmaintainmydriveorambition.Somoreinnuanceunderstandingthatyouneedtogohandinhand.Or,Ican't,youknow,Ineverusedtobeabletosaynotopeople.Youknow,suchashortword,suchaneasyword,sodifficultattimestosay.Why?

BecauseIseemyselfandnowIwantotherpeopletoseemeasempathicassensitiveasunder…asaniceguy.AndthenIunpackthetwo.Anditreallydoesn'thavetohandinhand.IcansaynotopeopleverysensitivelybecauseveryoftenwhenIsayyestoothers,I'msayingnotomyself,andinthelongterm,veryoftentotherelationship.SonowIhadabettermorenuanceunderstandingofwhenIcansaynoandwhenIdon'twanttosaynowhilemaintaining