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2ThatwintryafternooninManhattan,waitinginthelittleFrenchrestaurant,Iwasfeelingfrustratedanddepressed.Becauseofseveralmiscalculationsonmypart,aprojectofconsiderableimportanceinmylifehadfallenthrough.Eventheprospectofseeingadearfriend(theOldMan,asIprivatelyandaffectionatelythoughtofhim)failedtocheermeasitusuallydid.Isattherefrowningatthecheckeredtablecloth,chewingthebittercudofhindsight.
3Hecameacrossthestreet,finally,muffledinhisancientovercoat,shapelessfelthatpulleddownoverhisbaldhead,lookingmorelikeanenergeticgnomethananeminentpsychiatrist.Hisofficeswerenearby;
Iknewhehadjustlefthislastpatientoftheday.Hewascloseto80,buthestillcarriedafullcaseload,stillactedasdirectorofalargefoundation,stilllovedtoescapetothegolfcoursewheneverhecould.
4Bythetimehecameoverandsatbesideme,thewaiterhadbroughthisinvariablebottleofale.Ihadnotseenhimforseveralmonths,butheseemedasindestructibleasever.“Well,youngman,”hesaidwithoutpreliminary,“what’stroublingyou?
”
5Ihadlongsinceceasedtobesurprisedathisperceptiveness.SoIproceededtotellhim,atsomelength,justwhatwasbotheringme.Withakindofmelancholypride,Itriedtobeveryhonest.Iblamednooneelseformydisappointment,onlymyself.Ianalyzedthewholething,allthebadjudgments,thefalsemoves.Iwentonforperhaps15minutes,whiletheOldMansippedhisaleinsilence.
6WhenIfinished,heputdownhisglass.“Comeon,”hesaid.“Let’sgobacktomyoffice.”
7“Youroffice?
Didyouforgetsomething?
8“No,”hesaidmildly.“Iwantyourreactiontosomething.That’sall.”
9Achillrainwasbeginningtofalloutside,buthisofficewaswarmandcomfortableandfamiliar:
book-linedwalls,longleathercouch,signedphotographofSigmundFreud,taperecorderbythewindow.Hissecretaryhadgonehome.Wewerealone.
10TheOldMantookatapefromaflatcardboardboxandfitteditontothemachine.“Onthistape,”hesaid,“arethreeshortrecordingsmadebythreepersonswhocametomeforhelp.Theyarenotidentified,ofcourse.Iwantyoutolistentotherecordingsandseeifyoucanpickoutthetwo-wordphrasethatisthecommondenominatorinallthreecases.”Hesmiled.“Don’tlooksopuzzled.Ihavemyreasons.”
11Whattheownersofthevoicesonthetapehadincommon,itseemedtome,wasunhappiness.Themanwhospokefirstevidentlyhadsufferedsomekindofbusinesslossorfailure;
heberatedhimselffornothavingworkedharder,fornothavinglookedahead.Thewomanwhospokenexthadnevermarriedbecauseofasenseofobligationtoherwidowedmother;
sherecalledbitterlyallthemaritalchancesshehadletgoby.Thethirdvoicebelongedtoamotherwhoseteen-agesonwasintroublewiththepolice;
sheblamedherselfendlessly.
12TheOldManswitchedoffthemachineandleanedbackinhischair.“Sixtimesinthoserecordingsaphraseisusedthat’sfullofsubtlepoison.Didyouspotit?
No?
Well,perhapsthat’sbecauseyouuseditthreetimesyourselfdownintherestaurantalittlewhileago.”Hepickeduptheboxthathadheldthetapeandtosseditovertome.“Theretheyare,rightonthelabel.Thetwosaddestwordsinanylanguage.”
13Ilookeddown.Printedneatlyinredinkwerethewords:
Ifonly.
14“You’dbeamazed,”saidtheOldMan,“ifyouknewhowmanythousandsoftimesI’vesatinthischairandlistenedtowoefulsentencesbeginningwiththosetwowords.‘Ifonly,’theysaytome,‘Ihaddoneitdifferently–ornotdoneitatall.IfonlyIhadn’tlostmytemper,saidthecruelthing,madethatdishonestmove,toldthatfoolishlie.IfonlyIhadbeenwiser,ormoreunselfish,ormoreself-controlled.’TheygoonandonuntilIstopthem.SometimesImakethemlistentotherecordingsyoujustheard.‘Ifonly,’Isaytothem,‘you’dstopsayingifonly,wemightbegintogetsomewhere!
’”
15TheOldManstretchedouthislegs.“Thetroublewith‘ifonly,’”hesaid,“isthatitdoesn’tchangeanything.Itkeepsthepersonfacingthewrongway–backwardinsteadofforward.Itwastestime.Intheend,ifyouletitbecomeahabit,itcanbecomearealroadblock,anexcusefornottryinganymore.
16“Nowtakeyourowncase:
yourplansdidn’tworkout.Why?
Becauseyoumadecertainmistakes.Well,that’sallright:
everyonemakesmistakes.Mistakesarewhatwelearnfrom.Butwhenyouweretellingmeaboutthem,lamentingthis,regrettingthat,youweren’treallylearningfromthem.”
17“Howdoyouknow?
”Isaid,abitdefensively.
18“Because,”saidtheOldMan,“younevergotoutofthepasttense.Notoncedidyoumentionthefuture.Andinaway-behonest,now!
–youwereenjoyingit.There’saperversestreakinallofusthatmakesusliketohashoveroldmistakes.Afterall,whenyourelatethestoryofsomedisasterordisappointmentthathashappenedtoyou,you’restillthechiefcharacter,stillinthecenterofthestage.”
19Ishookmyheadruefully.“Well,what’stheremedy?
20“Shiftthefocus,”saidtheOldManpromptly.“Changethekeywordsandsubstituteaphrasethatsuppliesliftinsteadofcreatingdrag.”
21“Doyouhavesuchaphrasetorecommend?
22“Certainly.Strikeoutthewords‘ifonly’;
substitutethephrase‘nexttime.’”
23“Nexttime?
24“That’sright.I’veseenitworkminormiraclesrighthereinthisroom.Aslongasapatientkeepssaying‘ifonly’tome,he’sintrouble.Butwhenhelooksmeintheeyeandsays‘nexttime,’Iknowhe’sonhiswaytoovercominghisproblem.Itmeanshehasdecidedtoapplythelessonshehaslearnedfromhisexperience,howevergrimorpainfulitmayhavebeen.Itmeanshe’sgoingtopushasidetheroadblockofregret,moveforward,takeaction,resumeliving.Tryityourself.You’llsee.”
25Myoldfriendstoppedspeaking.Outside,Icouldheartherainwhisperingagainstthewindowpane.Itriedslidingonephraseoutofmymindandreplacingitwiththeother.Itwasfanciful,ofcourse,butIcouldhearthenewwordslockintoplacewithanaudibleclick….
26TheOldManstoodupabitstiffly.“Well,classdismissed.Ithasbeengoodtoseeyou,youngman.Alwaysis.Now,ifyouwillhelpmefindataxi,Iprobablyshouldbegettingonhome.”
27Wecameoutofthebuildingintotherainynight.Ispottedacruisingcabandrantowardit,butanotherpedestrianwasquicker.
28“My,my,”saidtheOldManslyly.“Ifonlywehadcomedowntensecondssooner,we’dhavecaughtthatcab,wouldn’twe?
29Ilaughedandpickedupthecue.“NexttimeI’llrunfaster.”
30“That’sit,”criedtheOldMan,pullinghisabsurdhatdownaroundhisears.“That’sitexactly!
31Anothertaxislowed.Iopenedthedoorforhim.Hesmiledandwavedasitmovedaway.Ineversawhimagain.Amonthlater,hediedofsuddenheartattack,infullstride,sotospeak.
32MorethanayearhaspassedsincethatrainyafternooninManhattan.Buttothisday,wheneverIfindmyselfthinking“ifonly”,Ichangeitto“nexttime”.ThenIwaitforthatalmost-perceptiblementalclick.AndwhenIhearit,IthinkoftheOldMan.
33Asmallfragmentofimmortality,tobesure.Butit’sthekindhewouldhavewanted.
From:
JamesI.Brown,pp.146-148.
UnitTwo
TheFineArtofPuttingThingsOff
MichaelDemarest
1“Neverputofftilltomorrow,”exhortedLordChesterfieldin1749,“whatyoucandotoday.”Thattheelegantearlnevergotaroundtomarryinghisson’smotherandhadabadhabitofkeepingworthieslikeDr.Johnsoncoolingtheirheelsforhoursinananteroomatteststothefactthateventhemostwell-intentionedmenhavebeenpostponersever.QuintusFabiusMaximus,oneofthegreatRomangenerals,wasdubbed“Cunctator”(Delayer)forputtingoffbattleuntilthelastpossiblevinumbreak.MosespleadedaspeechdefecttorationalizehisreluctancetodeliverJehovah’sedicttoPharaoh.Hamlet,ofcourse,raisedprocrastinationtoanartform.
2Theworldisprobablyaboutevenlydividedbetweendelayersanddo-it-nowers.TherearethosewhopreparetheirincometaxesinFebruary,prepaymortgagesandservepreciselyplanneddinnersatanungodly6:
30.Theotherhalfdinehappilyonleftoversat9or10,misplacebillsandfileforanextensionoftheincometaxdeadline.Theyseldompaycredit-cardbillsuntiltheapocalypticvoiceofDinersthreatensdoomfromDenver.Theypostpone,asFaustianencounters,visitstobarbershop,dentistordoctor.
3Yetforallthetroubleprocrastinationmayincur,delaycanofteninspireandreviveacreativesoul.JeanKerr,authorofmanysuccessfulnovelsandplays,saysthatshereadseverysoup-canandjam-jarlabelinherkitchenbeforesettlingdowntohertypewriter.Manyawriterfocusesonalmostanythingbuthistask-forexample,ontheCoastandGeodeticSurveyofMaine’sFrenchmanBayandBarHarbor,stimulatinghisimaginationwithnameslikeGooginsLedge,BluntsPond,HioHillandBurntPorcupine,LongPorcupine,SheepPorcupineandBaldPorcupineislands.
4FromCunctator’sdayuntilthiscentury,theartofpostponementhadbeenvirtuallyamonopolyofthemilitary(“Hurryupandwait”),diplomacyandthelaw.Informertimes,aBritishproconsulfacedwithanativeuprisingcouldcomfortablyruminateaboutthesituationwithSingaporeSlinginhand.Blessedly,hehadnonatteringTelextoorderinmachinegunsa