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39WhenIbecameapsychologist,Ibegantonoticefavoritismofadifferentkind,andthatishowmuchmorewevaluethebodythanwedothemind.Ispentnineyearsatuniversityearningmydoctoratein

psychology,andIcan'

ttellyouhowmanypeoplelookatmybusinesscardandsay,"

Oh,apsychologist.Sonotarealdoctor,"

asifitshouldsaythatonmycard.（Laughter）Thisfavoritismweshowthebodyoverthemind,Iseeiteverywhere.

01:

20Irecentlywasatafriend'

shouse,andtheirfive-year-oldwasgettingreadyforbed.Hewasstandingonastoolbythesinkbrushinghisteeth,whenheslipped,andscratchedhislegonthestoolwhenhefell.Hecriedforaminute,butthenhegotbackup,gotbackonthestool,andreachedoutforaboxofBand-Aidstoputoneonhiscut.Now,thiskidcouldbarelytiehisshoelaces,butheknewyouhavetocoveracut,soitdoesn'

tbecomeinfected,andyouhavetocareforyourteethbybrushingtwiceaday.Weallknowhowtomaintainourphysicalhealthandhowtopracticedentalhygiene,right?

We'

veknownitsincewewerefiveyearsold.Butwhatdoweknowaboutmaintainingourpsychologicalhealth?

Well,nothing.Whatdoweteachourchildrenaboutemotionalhygiene?

Nothing.Howisitthatwespendmoretimetakingcareofourteeththanwedoourminds.Whyisitthatourphysicalhealthissomuchmoreimportanttousthanourpsychologicalhealth?

02:

32Wesustainpsychologicalinjuriesevenmoreoftenthanwedophysicalones,injurieslikefailureorrejectionorloneliness.Andtheycanalsogetworseifweignorethem,andtheycanimpactourlivesindramaticways.Andyet,eventhoughtherearescientificallyproventechniqueswecouldusetotreatthesekindsofpsychologicalinjuries,wedon'

t.Itdoesn'

tevenoccurtousthatweshould."

Oh,you'

refeelingdepressed?

Justshakeitoff;

it'

sallinyourhead."

Canyouimaginesayingthattosomebodywithabrokenleg:

"

Oh,justwalkitoff;

sallinyourleg."

（Laughter）Itistimeweclosedthegapbetweenourphysicalandourpsychologicalhealth.It'

stimewemadethemmoreequal,moreliketwins.03:

26Speakingofwhich,mybrotherisalsoapsychologist.Sohe'

snotarealdoctor,either.（Laughter）Wedidn'

tstudytogether,though.Infact,thehardestthingI'

veeverdoneinmylifeismoveacrosstheAtlantic

toNewYorkCitytogetmydoctorateinpsychology.Wewereapartthenforthefirsttimeinourlives,andtheseparationwasbrutalforbothofus.Butwhileheremainedamongfamilyandfriends,Iwasaloneinanewcountry.Wemissedeachotherterribly,butinternationalphonecallswerereallyexpensivethenandwecouldonlyaffordtospeakforfiveminutesaweek.Whenourbirthdayrolledaround,itwasthefirstwewouldn'

tbespendingtogether.Wedecidetosplurge,andthatweekwewouldtalkfor10minutes.Ispentthemorningpacingaroundmyroom,waitingforhimtocall--andwaitingandwaiting,butthephonedidn'

tring.Giventhetimedifference,Iassumed,"

Ok,he'

soutwithfriends,hewillcall

later."

Therewerenocellphonesthen.Buthedidn'

t.AndIbegantorealizethatafterbeingawayforover10months,henolongermissedmethewayImissedhim.Iknewhewouldcallinthemorning,butthatnightwasoneofthesaddestandlongestnightsofmylife.Iwokeupthenextmorning.Iglanceddownatthephone,andIrealizedIhadkickeditoffthehookwhenpacingthedaybefore.Istumbledoutoffbed,Iputthephonebackonthereceiver,anditrangasecondlater,anditwasmybrother,and,boy,washepissed.（Laughter）Itwasthesaddestandlongestnightofhislifeaswell.NowItriedtoexplainwhathappened,buthesaid,"

Idon'

tunderstand.IfyousawIwasn'

tcallingyou,whydidn'

tyoujustpickupthephoneandcallme?

Hewasright.Whydidn'

tIcallhim?

Ididn'

thaveananswerthen,butIdotoday,andit'

sasimpleone:

loneliness.

05:

42Lonelinesscreatesadeeppsychologicalwound,onethatdistortsourperceptionsandscramblesourthinking.Itmakesusbelievethatthosearounduscaremuchlessthantheyactuallydo.Itmakeusreallyafraidtoreachout,becausewhysetyourselfupforrejectionandheartachewhenyourheartisalreadyachingmorethanyoucanstand?

Iwasinthegripsofreallonelinessbackthen,butIwassurroundedbypeopleallday,soitneveroccurredtome.Butlonelinessisdefinedpurelysubjectively.Itdependssolelyonwhetheryoufeelemotionallyorsociallydisconnectedfromthosearoundyou.AndIdid.Thereisalotofresearchonloneliness,andallofitishorrifying.Lonelinesswon'

tjustmakeyoumiserable,itwillkillyou.I'

mnotkidding.Chroniclonelinessincreasesyour

likelihoodofanearlydeathby14percent.Lonelinesscauseshighbloodpressure,highcholesterol.Itevensuppressthefunctioningofyourimmunesystem,makingyouvulnerabletoallkindsofillnessesand

diseases.Infact,scientistshaveconcludedthattakentogether,chroniclonelinessposesassignificantariskforyourlongtermhealthandlongevityascigarettesmoking.Nowcigarettepackscomewithwarningssaying,"

Thiscouldkillyou."

Butlonelinessdoesn'

t.Andthat'

swhyit'

ssoimportantthatweprioritizeourpsychologicalhealth,thatwepracticeemotionalhygiene.Becauseyoucan'

ttreatapsychologicalwoundifyou

don'

tevenknowyou'

reinjured.Lonelinessisn'

ttheonlypsychologicalwoundthatdistortsourperceptionsandmisleadsus.

07:

39Failuredoesthataswell.Ioncevisitedadaycarecenter,whereIsawthreetoddlersplaywithidenticalplastictoys.Youhadtoslidetheredbutton,andacutedoggiewouldpopout.Onelittlegirltriedpullingthepurplebutton,thenpushingit,andthenshejustsatbackandlookedatthebox,withherlowerliptrembling.Thelittleboynexttoherwatchedthishappen,thenturnedtohisboxandandburstintotearswithouteventouchingit.Meanwhile,anotherlittlegirltriedeverythingshecouldthinkofuntilsheslidtheredbutton,thecutedoggiepoppedout,andshesquealedwithdelight.Sothreetoddlerswithidenticalplastictoys,butwithverydifferentreactionstofailure.Thefirsttwotoddlerswereperfectlycapableofslidingaredbutton.Theonlythingthatpreventedthemfromsucceedingwasthattheirmindtrickedthemintobelievingtheycouldnot.Now,adultsgettrickedthiswayaswell,allthetime.Infact,weallhaveadefaultsetoffeelingsandbeliefsthatgetstriggeredwheneverweencounterfrustrationsandsetbacks.08:

54Areyouawareofhowyourmindreactstofailure?

Youneedtobe.Becauseifyourmindtriestoconvinceyouyou'

reincapableof

somethingandyoubelieveit,thenlikethosetwotoddlers,you'

llbegintofeelhelplessandyou'

llstoptryingtoosoon,oryouwon'

teventryatall.Andthenyou'

llbeevenmoreconvincedyoucan'

tsucceed.Yousee,that'

swhysomanypeoplefunctionbelowtheiractualpotential.Becausesomewherealongtheway,sometimesasinglefailureconvincedthemthattheycouldn'

tsucceed,andtheybelievedit.

09:

26Oncewebecomeconvincedofsomething,it'

sverydifficulttochangeourmind.IlearnedthatlessonthehardwaywhenIwasateenagerwithmybrother.Weweredrivingwithfriendsdownadarkroadatnight,whenapolicecarstoppedus.Therehadbeenarobberyintheareaandtheywerelookingforsuspects.Theofficerapproachedthecar,andheshinedhisflashlightonthedriver,thenonmybrotherinthefrontseat,andthenonme.Andhiseyesopenedwideandhesaid,"

WherehaveIseenyourfacebefore?

（Laughter）AndIsaid,"

Inthefrontseat."

（Laughter）Butthatmadenosensetohimwhatsoever.SonowhethoughtIwasondrugs.（Laughter）Sohedragsmeoutofthecar,hesearchesme,hemarchesmeovertothepolicecar,andonlywhenheverifiedIdidn'

thaveapolicerecord,couldIshowhimIhadatwininthefrontseat.Butevenasweweredrivingaway,youcouldseebythelookonhisfacehewasconvincedthatIwasgettingawaywithsomething.

10:

33Ourmindishardtochangeoncewebecomeconvinced.Soitmightbeverynaturaltofeeldemoralizedanddefeatedafteryoufail.Butyou

cannotallowyourselftobecomeconvincedyoucan'

tsucceed.Youhavetofightfeelingsofhelplessness.Youhavetogaincontroloverthe

situation.Andyouhavetobreakthiskindofnegativecyclebeforeitbegins.Ourmindsandourfeelings,they'

renotthetrustworthyfriendswethoughttheywere.Theyaremorelikeareallymoodyfriend,whocanbetotallysupportiveoneminute,andreallyunpleasantthenext.Ionceworkedwiththiswomanwhoafter20yearsmarriageandanextremelyuglydivorce,wasfinallyreadyforherfirstdate.Shehadmetthisguyonline,andheseemedniceandheseemedsuccessful,andmostimportantly,heseemedreallyintoher.Soshewasveryexcited,sheboughtanewdress,andtheymetatanupscaleNewYorkCitybarforadrink.Tenminutesintothedate,themanstandsupandsays,"

I'

mnotinterested,"

andwalks

out.Rejectionisextremelypainful.Thewomanwassohurtshecouldn'

tmove.Allshecoulddowascallafriend.Here'

swhatthefriendsaid:

"

Well,whatdoyouexpect?

Youhavebighips,youhavenothinginterestingtosay,whywouldahandsome,successfulmanlikethatevergooutwithaloserlikeyou?

Shocking,right,thatafriendcouldbesocruel?

ButitwouldbemuchlessshockingifItoldyouitwasn'

tthefriendwhosaidthat.It'

swhatthewomansaidtoherself.Andthat'

ssomethingwealldo,especiallyafterarejection.We