最新英语段子.docx
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最新英语段子
童年的回忆：
（来自新概念第二本书第一课）
LastweekIwenttothetheatre.Ihadaverygoodseat.Theplaywasveryinteresting.Ididnotenjoyit.Ayoungmanandayoungwomanweresittingbehindme.Theyweretalkingloudly.Igotveryangry.Icouldnotheartheactors.Iturnedround.Ilookedatthemanandthewomanangrily.Theydidnotpayanyattention.Intheend,Icouldnotbearit.Iturnedroundagain.'Ican'thearaword!
'Isaidangrily.'It'snoneofyourbusiness,'theyoungmansaidrudely.'Thisisaprivateconversation!
'
这些个很有意思：
1.Wife:
"Howwouldyoudescribeme?
"Husband:
"ABCDEFGHIJK."Wife:
"Whatdoesthatmean?
"Husband:
"Adorable,beautiful,cute,delightful,elegant,fashionable,gorgeous,andhot."Wife:
"Aw,thankyou,butwhataboutIJK?
"Husband:
"I'mjustkidding!
"
2.Adoctorreachesintohissmocktogetapentowriteaprescriptionandpullsoutarectalthermometer."Oh,damnit,"heproclaims,"Someassholehasmypen!
"
一个医生想从工作服里拿出一支笔来写处方，但是却拿出了一支直肠用体温计。
“哦，该死的”，他叫道，“有个混蛋（肛门）用了我的笔”。
几个黄段子（就不翻译了）：
1.Ahusbandandwifearetryingtosetupanewpasswordfortheircomputer.Thehusbandputs,"Mypenis,"andthewifefallsonthegroundlaughingbecauseonthescreenitsays,"Error.Notlongenough."
2.TheteacheraskedJimmy,"WhyisyourcatatschooltodayJimmy?
"Jimmyrepliedcrying,"BecauseIheardmydaddytellmymommy,'Iamgoingtoeatthatp*ssyonceJimmyleavesforschooltoday!
'"
3.Amanandwomanhadbeenmarriedfor30years,andinthose30years,theyalwaysleftthelightsoffwhenhavingsex.Hewasembarrassedandscaredthathecouldn'tpleaseher,sohealwaysusedabigdildoonher.Alltheseyearsshehadnoclue.Oneday,shedecidedtoreachoverandflipthelightswitchonandsawthathewasusingadildo.Shesaid"Iknewit,asshole,explainthedildo!
"Hesaid,"Explainthekids!
"
4.Ahusbandexclaimstohiswifeoneday,"Yourbuttisgettingreallybig.It'sbiggerthantheBBQgrill!
"Laterthatnightinbed,thehusbandmakessomeadvancestowardshiswifewhocompletelybrusheshimoff."What'swrong?
"heasks.Sheanswers,"DoyoureallythinkI'mgoingtofireupthisbig-assgrillforonelittleweenie?
"
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Canoe.
-Canoewho?
-Canoe（canyou）helpmewithmyhomework?
-Knock,knock
-Who’sthere?
-Merry.
-Merrywho?
-MerryChristmas！
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Orange.
-Orangewho?
-Orangeyou（Aren'tyou）goingtoletmein?
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Anee.
-Anee,who?
-Aneeone（anyone）youlike!
-Knock,knock
-Who’sthere?
-Iva.
-Ivawho?
-I’veasorehandfromknocking!
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Dozen.
-Dozenwho?
-Dozen（Doesn't）anybodywanttoletmein?
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Needle.
-Needlewho?
-Needle（needa）littlemoneyforthemovies.
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Henrietta.
-Henriettawho?
-Henrietta（Haveyouenter）wormthatwasinhisapple.（这个是因为Appleworm是一种电脑病毒）
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Avenue.
-Avenuewho?
-Avenue（anyone）knockedonthisdoorbefore?
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Harry.
-Harrywho?
-Harry（hurry）up,it’scoldouthere!
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Aherd.
-Aherdwho?
-Aherd（Iheard）youwerehome,soIcameover!
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Adore.
-Adorewho?
-Adore（Adoor）isbetweenus.Openup!
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Otto.
-Ottowho?
-Otto（Idon't）know.I’vegotamnesia.
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-KingTut.
-KingTutwho?
-KingTut-keyfriedchicken!
（KFC）
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Lettuce.
-Lettucewho?
-Lettuce（letus）init’scoldouthere.
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Noah.
-Noahwho?
-Noah（knowa）goodplacewecangetsomethingtoeat?
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Robin.
-Robinwho?
-Robin（robbing）thepiggybankagain.
-Knock,knock.
-Who’sthere?
-Dwayne.
-Dwaynewho?
-Dwayne（drain）thebathtub,It’soverflowing!
1.Singingintheshowerisallfunandgamesuntilyougetshampooinyourmouth.
Thenitjustbecomessoapopera.
2.I'mgoingtostandoutside.
Soifanyoneasks.
I'moutstanding.
3.WhathappenswhentheItalianchefdied.Hepastaway.
4.Iusedtohatemath.
ButnowIrealiseddecimalshaveapoint.
5.WhydidAdelecrosstheroad?
Tosayhellofromtheotherside.
MygirlfrienddoesnotlikemybeagleMolly.SOIhavetorehomeher.SheisapurebredfromawealthyareaandIhavehadherfor4years.Shelikestoplaygames.Nottotallytrained.Haslonghairsoshe’salittlehighmaintenance,especiallythenails,butsheloveshavingthemdone.StaysupallnightyappingbutsleepswhileIwork.Onlyeatsthebest,mostexpensivefood.WillNEVERgreetyouatthedoorafteralongdayorgiveyouunconditionallovewhenyou’redown.Doesnotbitebutshecanbemeanashell!
So…anyoneinterestedinmy30-year-old,selfish,wicked,gold-digginggirlfriend?
Comeandgether!
MeandmydogwantherrehomedASAP!
!
Dadjoke
1
"Butdad..."
"DidyoujustcallmeButtDad?
!
"
“可是……爹……”
“兔崽子你是不是刚管我叫屁股爹？
！
”
2
"Heydadcouldyoumakemeasandwich?
"
"Puff!
You'reasandwich!
"
“粑粑你可以做个三明治吗？
”
“吧啦吧啦小魔仙！
你现在是个三明治了！
”
3
"Iusedtohatefacialhairbutthenitgrewonme"
“我以前讨厌胡子现在喜欢了（长在脸上了”
*grewonme是个双关语
PS，解释梗就不好笑了但是不解释又没笑点好苦恼
4
"I'llcallyoulater"
"Nodon'tcallmeLatercallmeDad"
“我等下呼叫你”
“不要！
别叫我“等下”，叫我“傲娇小公举爹地”
5
"DadI'mhungry"
"HiHungryI'mDad"
"DadI'mserious!
"
"Ithoughtyou'reHungry"
"Areyoukidding?
"
"NoI'mDad"
“爹我饿”
“你好饿，我是爹”
“爹我是认真的！
”
“我以为你是饿呢”
“你逗我玩儿呢？
”
“不，我是爹”
最后来个大招
That'swhatshesaid
"OMGthisissobig!
"
"That'swhatshesaid"
"Iputtoomuchhairgelonmyhairnowit'sallstiffyandhard"
"That'swhatshesaid"
"NicejobyouknockedmyicecreamovernowIcan'tgetthewhitestainoffmyskirt"
"That'swhatshesaid"
"Iamsoexhaustedfromscreamingandbeingupallnight"
"That'swhatshesaid"
在一个国际学生很多的大学，
Professor:
Pleasemakeyourowncommentstofoodshortageproblemspreadinothercountries.
Africanstudents:
Whatisfood?
Europeanstudents:
Whatisshortage?
U.Sstudents:
Whatisothercountries?
Chinesestudents:
Whatisowncomments?
大神改版（看完简直觉得我这就是高考，阿不，小升初英语改错例题，唉）
Professor:
Pleaseshareyourpersonalopinionsonthespreadoffoodshortageproblemsinothercountries.
Africanstudents:
Whatisfood?
Europeanstudents:
Whatisshortage?
U.Sstudents:
Whatareothercountries?
Chinesestudents:
Whatarepersonalopinions?
中文：
老师：
请对其他国家正在蔓延的食物短缺问题发表自己的看法
非洲学生：
什么叫食物？
欧洲学生：
什么叫短缺？
美国学生：
什么叫其他国家
中国学生：
什么叫自己的看法？
一个澳大利亚人刚到美国，过马路的时候差点被车撞到。
司机对她吼道：
Doyoucometodie?
澳洲人听了，回到：
No,Icamehereyesterday.
这个包袱最早是在《Friends》里面听到的，Rachel讲的。
There'safamilyoftomatoeswalkingdownthestreet.Thedaddytomato,themommytomatoandthebabytomato.Thedaddytomatoisbecomingmoreandmoreannoyedwiththebabytomato,becausethebabytomatoistakingitstimedragginghisfeet.Finallythedaddytomatoturnsaroundwalksbacktowherethebabytomatois,steps,squeezesthebabytomatoandscreams:
"Ketchup!
"
Willliarsbehonestaftertheydie?
（骗子死了之后会诚实吗？
）
No,theywon’t.Theyliestillaftertheydie。
（不会，他们依旧撒谎。
Liestill躺着不动，依旧撒谎。
）
What'sthepoorestbankintheworld?
（世界的最贫穷的银行是什么？
）
Theriverbank。
（河岸。
）
Whatmonthdosoldiershate?
（军人憎恨什么月？
）
March。
（行军。
）
冷笑话两则：
“Doyouknowwhytheoceanisblue？
”
“Becausetherearemanyfishesinthesea,theybreathlike'blue','blue'...”
“Whysixisafraidofseven？
”
“Becauseseveneight（ate）nine.”
son:
Hi,dad.Iamhungry.
dad:
Hi,hundry.Iamdad.
son:
Areyoukidding?
dad:
No,Iamdad.
son:
Iamseriously.
dad:
No,youarehungry.
1，Amanasksatrainerinthegym:
“Iwanttoimpressthatbeautifulgirl,whichmachinecanIuse?
”Trainerreplies:
“UsetheATM”
2，Godisreallycreative,imean..justlookatme
3，OpenBooks,NotLegs.BlowMinds,NotGuy
4，YouDon’tKnowSomething?
GoogleIt.YouDon’tKnowSomeone?
FacebookIt.YouCan’tFindSomething?
Mom!
5，Touchitgently,puttwofingersinside,ifit’swideusethreefingers,makesureit’swetandrubupanddown.Yepthat’showyouwashacup.
6，MayIgotothetoilet=I’mfuckingbored.
7，TodaymorningwhenIwasdrivingmyFerrari,thealarmwokemeup
8，Thezooisaprettysafeplacetofart.
9，I`mjealousofmyparents,i`llneverhaveakidascoolastheirs.
10，CanItakeyourpicture?
?
Ilovetocollectpicturesofnaturaldisasters.
11，Theonlyreasongodmadecousinssothatparentscancompareourmarks.
12，Peoplesaylaughteristhebestmedicine.Yourfacemustbecuringtheworld.
13，Whenlifegetstough,remember:
Youwerethestrongestsperm.
14，Marriageisarelationshipinwhichonepersonisalwaysrightandtheotheristhehusband!
15，IreallyneedadayinbetweenSaturdayandSunday.
16，I’mnotsingle,I’mjustromanticallychallenged.
17，Remember,therearetwowordsinlifethatwillopenalotofdoorsforyou.PushandPull.
18，Thosewhosaymoneycan’tbuyhappinessareshoppingatthewrongplaces
19，Whenyourex-asksifyoucanstillbefriendsrightafterabreakup,it’slikehavingakidnappertellyoutokeepintouch.
20，Thinktwicebeforeyouspeak,you’dbeabletosaysomethingmoreInsulting.
21，Ismokeforreligiousreasons.EverypuffgetsmefiveminutesclosertoGod.
22，Ilovemylife,butitjustwantstobefriends
23，Neverhideyour"lastseen",letpeopleknowthatyou'reignoringthem
24，Ihatemaths,butIlovecountingmoney.
First-yearstudentsatMedicalSchoolwerereceivingtheirfirstanatomyclasswitharealdeadhumanbody.Theyallgatheredaroundthesurgerytablewiththebodycoveredwithawhitesheet.Theprofessorstartedtheclassbytellingthem,
'Inmedicine,itisnecessarytohavetwoimportantqualitiesasadoctor.Thefirstisthatyounotbedisgust
升级会员 