Best collection of English HumouranecdotesWord文档下载推荐.docx
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Couldyougivemeafifteen-minutecapsulesketchofyourentirephilosophy?
Tothephilosopher'
ssurprise,Aristotlegavehimanexcellentexpositioninwhichhecompressedanenormousamountofmaterialintoamerefifteenminutes.ButthenthephilosopherraisedacertainobjectionwhichAristotlecouldn'
tanswer.Confounded,Aristotledisappeared.ThenPlatoappeared.Thesamethinghappenedagain,andthephilosophers'
objectiontoPlatowasthesameashisobjectiontoAristotle.Platoalsocouldn'
tansweritanddisappeared.Thenallthefamousphilosophersofhistoryappearedone-by-oneandourphilosopherrefutedeveryonewiththesameobjection.Afterthelastphilosophervanished,ourphilosophersaidtohimself,"
IknowI'
masleepanddreamingallthis.YetI'
vefoundauniversalrefutationforallphilosophicalsystems!
TomorrowwhenIwakeup,Iwillprobablyhaveforgottenit,andtheworldwillreallymisssomething!
Withanironeffort,thephilosopherforcedhimselftowakeup,rushovertohisdesk,andwritedownhisuniversalrefutation.Thenhejumpedbackintobedwithasighofrelief.Thenextmorningwhenheawoke,hewentovertothedesktoseewhathehadwritten.Itwas,"
That'
swhatyousay."
Math,Physics,&
Philosophy
Dean,tothephysicsdepartment."
WhydoIalwayshavetogiveyouguyssomuchmoney,forlaboratoriesandexpensiveequipmentandstuff.Whycouldn'
tyoubelikethemathdepartment-alltheyneedismoneyforpencils,paperandwaste-paperbaskets.Orevenbetter,likethephilosophydepartment.Alltheyneedarepencilsandpaper."
Tracker
AfamilywasvisitinganIndianreservationwhentheyhappenuponanoldtribesmanlayingfacedowninthemiddleoftheroadwithhisearpressedfirmlyagainsttheblacktop.Thefatherofthefamilyaskedtheoldtribesmanwhathewasdoing.
Thetribesmanbegantospeak..."
woman,latethirties,threekids,onebarkingdoginlatemodel,Fourdoorstationwagon,travelingat65m.p.h."
samazing"
exclaimedthefather."
Youcantellallofthatbyjustlisteningtotheground"
?
No"
saidtheoldtribesman."
Theyjustranovermefiveminutesago!
SherlockHolmesandWatson
SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealandabottleofwinetheylaydownforthenight,andwenttosleep.Somehourslater,Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriendawake."
Watson,lookupattheskyandtellmewhatyousee."
Watsonreplied,"
Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars."
Whatdoesthattellyou?
Holmesquestioned.
Watsonponderedforaminute."
Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsofgalaxiesandpotentiallybillionsofplanets.Astrologically,IobservethatSaturnisinLeo.Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.Theologically,IcanseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatwearesmallandinsignificant.Meteorologically,Isuspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.Whatdoesittellyou?
Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."
Watson,youretard.Ittellsmethatsomebastardhasstolenourtent!
IrishWife
Atthe1998WorldWomen'
sConference,thefirstspeakerfromEnglandstoodup:
"
Atlastyear'
sconferencewespokeaboutbeingmoreassertivewithourhusbands.WellaftertheconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongercookforhimandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehadcookedawonderfulroastlamb."
Thecrowdcheered.
ThesecondspeakerfromAmericastoodup:
Afterlastyear'
sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohislaundryandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIsawthathehaddonenotonlyhisownwashingbutmywashingaswell."
ThethirdspeakerfromIrelandstoodup:
sconferenceIwenthomeandtoldmyhusbandthatIwouldnolongerdohisshoppingandthathewouldhavetodoithimself.AfterthefirstdayIsawnothing.AftertheseconddayIsawnothing.ButafterthethirddayIcouldseealittlebitoutofmylefteye."
LanguageProblem
AbusstopsandtwoItalianmengeton.Theyseatthemselvesandengageinanimatedconversation.Theladysittingbehindthemignorestheirconversationatfirst,butherattentionisgalvanizedwhenshehearsoneofthemensaythefollowing:
Emmacomefirst.DenIcome.Dentwoassescometogether.Icomeonce-a-more.Twoasses,theycometogetheragain.Icomeagainandpeetwice.DenIcomeonelasttime."
Youfoul-mouthedswine,"
retortedtheladyindignantly."
Inthiscountrywedon'
ttalkaboutoursexlivesinpublic!
Hey,cooldownlady,"
saidtheman."
Whotalkingaboutsex？
Justtellmyfriendhowtospell"
Mississippi"
!
GenieInTheLamp
AmanwaswalkingalongaCaliforniabeachandstumbleduponanoldlamp.Hepickeditupandrubbeditandoutpoppedagenie.Thegeniesaid"
OK.OK.Youreleasedmefromthelamp,blah,blah,blah.Thisisthe4thtimethismonthandI'
mgettingalittlesickofthesewishessoyoucanforgetaboutthree.Youonlygetonewish!
Themansatandthoughtaboutitforawhileandsaid,"
I'
vealwayswantedtogotoHawaii,butI'
mscaredtoflyandIgetveryseasick.CouldyoubuildmeabridgetoHawaiisoIcandriveovertheretovisit?
Thegenielaughedandsaid,"
simpossible!
Thinkofthelogisticsofthat!
HowwouldthesupportseverreachthebottomofthePacific?
Thinkofhowmuchconcrete..howmuchsteel!
No,thinkofanotherwish!
ThemansaidOKandtriedtothinkofareallygoodwish.Finally,hesaid,"
vebeenmarriedanddivorcedfourtimes.MywivesalwayssaidthatIdon'
tcareandthatI'
minsensitive.So,IwishthatIcouldunderstandwomen...knowhowtheyfeelinsideandwhatthey'
rethinkingwhentheygivemethesilenttreatment...knowwhythey'
recrying,knowwhattheyreallywantwhentheysay,'
nothing'
...knowhowtomakethemtrulyhappy..."
Thegeniesaid,"
Youwantthatbridgewithtwolanesorfour?
Chemist'
sBadDay
Uponarrivinghomeineageranticipationofaleisurelyevening,thehusbandwasmetatthedoorbyhissobbingwife.Tearfullysheexplained,"
It'
sthedruggist-heinsultedmeterriblythismorningonthephone."
Immediatelythehusbanddrovedowntowntoaccostthedruggistanddemandanapology.Beforehecouldsaymorethanawordortwo,thedruggisttoldhim,"
Now,justaminute-listentomysideofit.Thismorningthealarmfailedtogooff,soIwaslategettingup.Iwentwithoutbreakfastandhurriedouttothecar,butI'
llbedamnedifIdidn'
tlockthehousewithbothhouseandcarkeysinside.Ihadtobreakawindowtogetmykeys.Drivingalittletoofast,Igotaspeedingticket.Then,aboutthreeblocksfromthestoreIhadaflattire.WhenIfinallygottothestoretherewasabunchofpeoplewaitingformetoopenup.Igotthestoreopenedandstartedwaitingonthesepeople,andallthetimethedarnphonewasringingitsheadoff.ThenIhadtobreakarollofnickelsagainstthecashregisterdrawertomakechange,andtheyspilledalloverthefloor.Igotdownonmyhandsandkneestopickupthenickels-thephoneisstillringing-whenIcameupIcrackedmyheadontheopencashdrawer,whichmademestaggerbackagainstashowcasewithabunchofperfumebottlesonit,andhalfofthemhitthefloorandbroke.Thephoneisstillringingwithnoletup,andIfinallygotbacktoanswerit.Itwasyourwife-shewantedtoknowhowtousearectalthermometer.Well,Mister,ITOLDHER!
Shopping
Awomanwasshoppingatherlocalsupermarket,wheresheselectedaquartofmilk,acartonofeggs,juice,andapackageofbacon.
Asshewasunloadingheritemsontheconveyerbelttocheckout,adrunkstandingbehindher,watchedassheplacedheritemsinfrontofthecashier.
Hesaid,"
Youmustbesingle."
Thewoman,abitstartled,lookedatherfouritemsonthebelt,andseeingnothingparticularlyunusualaboutherselectionssaid,"
Well,that'
sright.Buthowinearthdidyouknowthat?
Thedrunksaid,"
Causeyou'
reuglier'
nshit."
SalesmanoftheYear
AyoungguyfromTexasmovestoCaliforniaandgoestoabigdepartmentstorelookingforajob.Themanagersays,"
Doyouhaveanysalesexperience?
Thekidsays,"
Yeah,IwasasalesmanbackhomeinTexas."
Well,thebosslikedthekidsohegavehimthejob."
Youstarttomorrow.I'
llcomedownafterwecloseandseehowyoudid."
Hisfirstdayonthejobwasroughbuthegotthroughit.Afterthestorewaslockedup,thebosscamedown."
Howmanysalesdidyoumaketoday?
One."
Thebosssays,"
Justone?
Oursalespeopleaverage20or30salesaday.Howmuchwasthesalefor?
Kidsays,"
$101,237.64."
Bosssays,"
$101,237.64?
Whatthehelldidyousell?
Kidsays,"
FirstIsoldhimasmallfishhook.ThenIsoldhimamediumfishhook.ThenIsoldhimalargerfishhook.ThenIsoldhimanewfishingrod.ThenIaskedhimwherehewasgoingfishingandhesaiddownatthecoast,soItoldhimhewasgonnaneedaboat,sowewentdowntotheboatdepartmentandIsoldhimthattwinengineChrisCraft.Thenhesaidhedidn'
tthinkhisHondaCivicwouldpullit,soItookhimdowntotheautomotivedepartmentandsoldhimthat4X4Blaz
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