Best collection of English HumouranecdotesWord文档下载推荐.docx

1、Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy? To the philosophers surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle

2、 couldnt answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldnt answer it and disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one an

3、d our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, I know Im asleep and dreaming all this. Yet Ive found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, a

4、nd the world will really miss something! With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had wri

5、tten. It was, Thats what you say.Math, Physics, & PhilosophyDean, to the physics department. Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldnt you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-pape

6、r baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.Tracker A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the fam

7、ily asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak. woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.s amazing exclaimed the father. You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?No, said the old tribe

8、sman. They just ran over me five minutes ago!Sherlock Holmes and WatsonSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at

9、the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn i

10、s in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?Holmes was silent for a minu

11、te, then spoke. Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!Irish WifeAt the 1998 World Womens Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told

12、 my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up:After la

13、st years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.The

14、 third speaker from Ireland stood up:s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye

15、.Language ProblemA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:Emma come first. Den I come. Den two as

16、ses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last time.You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!Hey, cool down lady, said the man. Who talking about sex？

17、Just tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!Genie In The LampA man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and Im

18、 getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit

19、? The genie laughed and said, s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel! No, think of another wish! The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, ve been marri

20、ed and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say, n

21、othing . . . know how to make them truly happy . . . The genie said, You want that bridge with two lanes or four?Chemists Bad DayUpon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist - he insult

22、ed me terribly this morning on the phone. Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late gett

23、ing up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I

24、finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spille

25、d all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The ph

26、one is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!ShoppingA woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package

27、of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.He said, You must be single. The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about

28、her selections said, Well, thats right. But how in earth did you know that?The drunk said, Cause youre uglier n shit.Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says,

29、 Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you m

30、ake today?One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? Kid says, $101,237.64. Boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?Kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish

31、hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blaz