Why30isnotthenew20Word文档下载推荐.docx

Why30isnotthenew20Word文档下载推荐.docx

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WhenIwasinmy20s,Isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.IwasaPh.D.studentinclinicalpsychologyatBerkeley.Shewasa26-year-oldwomannamedAlex.NowAlexwalkedintoherfirstsessionwearingjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchinmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretotalkaboutguyproblems.NowwhenIheardthis,Iwassorelieved.Myclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.（Laughter）AndIgotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.ThisIthoughtIcouldhandle.

ButIdidn'

thandleit.WiththefunnystoriesthatAlexwouldbringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekickedthecandowntheroad."

Thirty'

sthenew20,"

Alexwouldsay,andasfarasIcouldtell,shewasright.Workhappenedlater,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhappenedlater.TwentysomethingslikeAlexandIhadnothingbuttime.

Butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushAlexaboutherlovelife.Ipushedback.

Isaid,"

Sure,she'

sdatingdown,she'

ssleepingwithaknucklehead,butit'

snotlikeshe'

sgoingtomarrytheguy."

Andthenmysupervisorsaid,"

Notyet,butshemightmarrythenextone.Besides,thebesttimetoworkonAlex'

smarriageisbeforeshehasone."

That'

swhatpsychologistscallan"

Aha!

"

moment.ThatwasthemomentIrealized,30isnotthenew20.Yes,peoplesettledownlaterthantheyusedto,butthatdidn'

tmakeAlex'

s20sadevelopmentaldowntime.ThatmadeAlex'

s20sadevelopmentalsweetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.ThatwaswhenIrealizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andithadrealconsequences,notjustforAlexandherlovelifebutforthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysomethingseverywhere.

Thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheUnitedStatesrightnow.We'

retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or100percentifyouconsiderthatnoone'

sgettingthroughadulthoodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.

Raiseyourhandifyou'

reinyour20s.Ireallywanttoseesometwentysomethingshere.Oh,yay!

Y'

all'

sawesome.Ifyouworkwithtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,you'

relosingsleepovertwentysomethings,Iwanttosee—Okay.Awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.

SoIspecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseIbelievethateverysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservestoknowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfertilityspecialistsalreadyknow:

thatclaimingyour20sisoneofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandoforwork,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.

Thisisnotmyopinion.Thesearethefacts.Weknowthat80percentoflife'

smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.Thatmeansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesand"

momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedbyyourmid-30s.Peoplewhoareover40,don'

tpanic.Thiscrowdisgoingtobefine,Ithink.Weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasanexponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou'

regoingtoearn.WeknowthatmorethanhalfofAmericansaremarriedorarelivingwithordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.Weknowthatthebraincapsoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresitselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwanttochangeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.Weknowthatpersonalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertimeinlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andthingsgettrickyafterage35.Soyour20sarethetimetoeducateyourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.

Sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefirstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmentinthebrain.It'

satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.Butwhatwehearlessaboutisthatthere'

ssuchathingasadultdevelopment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopment.

Butthisisn'

twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.Newspaperstalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.Researcherscallthe20sanextendedadolescence.Journalistscoinsillynicknamesfortwentysomethingslike"

twixters"

and"

kidults."

It'

strue.Asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactuallythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.

LeonardBernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneedaplanandnotquiteenoughtime.Isn'

tthattrue?

Sowhatdoyouthinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyousay,"

Youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife"

?

Nothinghappens.Youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,andabsolutelynothinghappens.

Andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslikeyouorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsaythingslikethis:

"

Iknowmyboyfriend'

snogoodforme,butthisrelationshipdoesn'

tcount.I'

mjustkillingtime."

Ortheysay,"

EverybodysaysaslongasIgetstartedonacareerbythetimeI'

m30,I'

llbefine."

Butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:

My20sarealmostover,andIhavenothingtoshowformyself.Ihadabetterré

sumé

thedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege."

Andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:

Datinginmy20swaslikemusicalchairs.Everybodywasrunningaroundandhavingfun,butthensometimearound30itwaslikethemusicturnedoffandeverybodystartedsittingdown.Ididn'

twanttobetheonlyoneleftstandingup,sosometimesIthinkImarriedmyhusbandbecausehewastheclosestchairtomeat30."

Wherearethetwentysomethingshere?

Donotdothat.

Okay,nowthatsoundsalittleflip,butmakenomistake,thestakesareveryhigh.Whenalothasbeenpushedtoyour30s,thereisenormousthirtysomethingpressuretojump-startacareer,pickacity,partnerup,andhavetwoorthreekidsinamuchshorterperiodoftime.Manyofthesethingsareincompatible,andasresearchisjuststartingtoshow,simplyharderandmorestressfultodoallatonceinour30s.

Thepost-millennialmidlifecrisisisn'

tbuyingaredsportscar.It'

srealizingyoucan'

thavethatcareeryounowwant.It'

thavethatchildyounowwant,oryoucan'

tgiveyourchildasibling.Toomanythirtysomethingsandfortysomethingslookatthemselves,andatme,sittingacrosstheroom,andsayabouttheir20s,"

WhatwasIdoing?

WhatwasIthinking?

Iwanttochangewhattwentysomethingsaredoingandthinking.

Here'

sastoryabouthowthatcango.It'

sastoryaboutawomannamedEmma.At25,Emmacametomyofficebecauseshewas,inherwords,havinganidentitycrisis.Shesaidshethoughtshemightliketoworkinartorentertainment,butshehadn'

tdecidedyet,soshe'

dspentthelastfewyearswaitingtablesinstead.Becauseitwascheaper,shelivedwithaboyfriendwhodisplayedhistempermorethanhisambition.Andashardasher20swere,herearlylifehadbeenevenharder.Sheoftencriedinoursessions,butthenwouldcollectherselfbysaying,"

Youcan'

tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends."

Welloneday,Emmacomesinandshehangsherheadinherlap,andshesobbedformostofthehour.She'

djustboughtanewaddressbook,andshe'

dspentthemorningfillinginhermanycontacts,butthenshe'

dbeenleftstaringatthatemptyblankthatcomesafterthewords"

Incaseofemergency,pleasecall...."

Shewasnearlyhystericalwhenshelookedatmeandsaid,"

Who'

sgoingtobethereformeifIgetinacarwreck?

Who'

sgoingtotakecareofmeifIhavecancer?

Nowinthatmoment,ittookeverythingIhadnottosay,"

Iwill."

ButwhatEmmaneededwasn'

tsometherapistwhoreally,reallycared.Emmaneededabetterlife,andIknewthiswasherchance.IhadlearnedtoomuchsinceIfirstworkedwithAlextojustsittherewhileEmma'

sdefiningdecadewentparadingby.

Sooverthenextweeksandmonths,ItoldEmmathreethingsthateverytwentysomething,maleorfemale,deservestohear.

First,ItoldEmmatoforgetabouthavinganidentitycrisisandgetsomeidentitycapital.Bygetidentitycapital,Imeandosomethingthataddsvaluetowhoyouare.Dosomethingthat'

saninvestmentinwhoyoumightwanttobenext.Ididn'

tknowthefutureofEmma'

scareer,andnooneknowsthefutureofwork,butIdoknowthis:

Identitycapitalbegetsidentitycapital.Sonowisthetimeforthatcross-countryjob,thatinternship,thatstartupyouwanttotry.I'

mnotdiscountingtwentysomethingexplorationhere,butIamdiscountingexplorationthat'

snotsupposedtocount,which,bytheway,isnotexploration.That'

sprocrastination.ItoldEmmatoexploreworkandmakeitcount.

Second,ItoldEmmathattheurbantribeisoverrated.Bestfriendsaregreatforgivingridestotheairport,buttwentysomethingswhohuddletogetherwithlike-mindedpeerslimitwhotheyknow,whattheyknow,howtheythink,howtheyspeak,andwheretheywork.Thatnewpieceofcapital,thatnewpersontodatealmostalwayscomesfro