Augustus Does His Bit.docx

Augustus Does His Bit.docx

《Augustus Does His Bit.docx》由会员分享，可在线阅读，更多相关《Augustus Does His Bit.docx（17页珍藏版）》请在冰豆网上搜索。

AugustusDoesHisBit

AugustusDoesHisBitbyGeorgeBernardShawIwishtoexpressmygratitudeforcertaingoodofficeswhichAugustussecuredformeinJanuary,1917.IhadbeeninvitedtovisitthetheatreofwarinFlandersbytheCommander-in-Chief:

aninvitationwhichwas,underthecircumstances,asummonstoduty.ThusIhadoccasiontospendsomedaysinprocuringthenecessarypassportandotherofficialfacilitiesformyjourney.IthappenedjustthenthattheStageSocietygaveaperformanceofthislittleplay.Itopenedtheheartofeveryofficialtome.Ihavealwaysbeentreatedwithdistinguishedconsiderationinmycontractswithbureaucracyduringthewar;

butonthisoccasionIfoundmyselfpersonagratainthehighestdegree.Therewasonlyonewordwhentheformalitiesweredisposedof;andthatwas"WeareupagainstAugustusallday."

Theshowing-upofAugustusscandalizedoneortwoinnocentandpatrioticcriticswhoregardedtheprowessoftheBritisharmyasinextricablyboundupwithHighcastleprestige.ButourGovernmentdepartmentsknewbetter:

theirproblemwashowtowinthewarwithAugustusontheirbacks,well-meaning,brave,patriotic,butobstructivelyfussy,self-important,imbecile,anddisastrous.

SaveforthesatisfactionofbeingabletolaughatAugustusinthetheatre,nothing,asfarasIknow,cameofmydramaticreductionofhimtoabsurdity.Generals,admirals,PrimeMinistersandControllers,nottomentionEmperors,KaisersandTsars,werescrappedremorselesslyathomeandabroad,fortheirsinsorservices,asthecasemightbe.ButAugustusstoodliketheEddystoneinastorm,andstandssotothisday.Hegaveushiswordthathewasindispensableandwetookit.

AugustusDoesHisBitwasperformedforthefirsttimeattheCourtTheatreinLondonbytheStageSocietyonthe21stJanuary,1917,withLallaVanderveldeasTheLady,F.

B.J.SharpasLordAugustusHighcastle,andCharlesRockasHoratioFloydBeamish.

AUGUSTUSDOESHISBIT

TheMayor'sparlorintheTownHallofLittlePifflington.LordAugustusHighcastle,adistinguishedmemberofthegoverningclass,intheuniformofacolonel,andverywellpreservedatforty-five,iscomfortablyseatedatawriting-tablewithhisheelsonit,readingTheMorningPost.Thedoorfaceshim,alittletohisleft,attheothersideoftheroom.Thewindowisbehindhim.Inthefireplace,agasstove.Onthetableabellbuttonandatelephone.PortraitsofpastMayors,inrobesandgoldchains,adornthewalls.Anelderlyclerkwithashortwhitebeardandwhiskers,andaveryrednose,shufflesin.

AUGUSTUS[hastilyputtingasidehispaperandreplacinghisfeetonthefloor].Hullo!

Whoareyou?

THECLERK.Thestaff[aslightimpedimentinhisspeechaddstotheimpressionofincompetenceproducedbyhisageandappearance].

AUGUSTUS.Youthestaff!

Whatdoyoumean,man?

THECLERK.WhatIsay.Thereain'tanybodyelse.

AUGUSTUS.Tush!

Wherearetheothers?

THECLERK.Atthefront.

AUGUSTUS.Quiteright.Mostproper.Whyaren'tyouatthefront?

THECLERK.Overage.Fifty-seven.

AUGUSTUS.Butyoucanstilldoyourbit.ManyanoldermanisintheG.R.'s,orvolunteeringforhomedefence.

THECLERK.Ihavevolunteered.

AUGUSTUS.Thenwhyareyounotinuniform?

THECLERK.Theysaidtheywouldn'thavemeifIwasgivenawaywithapoundoftea.Toldmetogohomeandnotbeanoldsilly.

[Asenseofunbearablewrong,tillnowonlysmoulderinginhim,burstsintoflame.]YoungBillKnight,thatItookwithme,gottwoandsevenpence.Igotnothing.Isitjustice?

Thiscountryisgoingtothedogs,ifyouaskme.

AUGUSTUS[risingindignantly].Idonotaskyou,sir;andIwillnotallowyoutosaysuchthingsinmypresence.Ourstatesmenarethegreatestknowntohistory.Ourgeneralsareinvincible.

Ourarmyistheadmirationoftheworld.[Furiously.]Howdareyoutellmethatthecountryisgoingtothedogs!

THECLERK.WhydidtheygiveyoungBillKnighttwoandsevenpence,andnotgivemeevenmytramfare?

Doyoucallthatbeinggreatstatesmen?

Asgoodasrobbingme,Icallit.

AUGUSTUS.That'senough.Leavetheroom.[Hesitsdownandtakesuphispen,settlinghimselftowork.Theclerkshufflestothedoor.Augustusadds,withcoldpoliteness]SendmetheSecretary.

THECLERK.I'MtheSecretary.Ican'tleavetheroomandsendmyselftoyouatthesametime,canI?

AUGUSTUS,Don'tbeinsolent.WhereisthegentlemanIhavebeencorrespondingwith:

MrHoratioFloydBeamish?

THECLERK[returningandbowing].Here.Me.

AUGUSTUS.You!

Ridiculous.Whatrighthaveyoutocallyourselfbyapretentiousnameofthatsort?

THECLERK.YoumaydroptheHoratioFloyd.Beamishisgoodenoughforme.

AUGUSTUS.Istherenobodyelsetotakemyinstructions?

THECLERK.It'smeornobody.AndfortwopinsI'dchuckit.

Don'tyoudrivemetoofar.Oldunslikemeisupintheworld