South Park902.docx

South Park902.docx

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SouthPark902

SouthPark

9.02-Die,Hippie,Die!

[Anelderlywoman'shome.Cartmanringsherdoorbell,andsheanswersit.Cartmanisdressedinanorangehazmatsuitandiscarryingatankofsomethingonhisback]

Cartman:

Hello,ma'am.I'mworkingtocleanuptheneighborhoodfromparasites.DoyoumindifItakeaquicklookaroundyourhouse?

I'mafraidyoumayhavehippies.

ElderlyWoman:

Hippies?

Cartman:

[walksinandbeginstorapthewallswithhisfist]Yeah,they'vebeenpoppin'upallovertheneighborhoodlately.Ms.Nelsonnextdoorhadsevenhippiesinherbasement;theyusuallyliveincolonies.[rapsonthewallandthepitchchanges]Hm,Idon'tlikethesoundofthat.CouldItakealookinyourattic?

[Theattic.Heopensthedoorandlooksin.Hegetsoutaflashlight,turnsiton,andlooksaroundagain.Hestopsafterafewseconds.]

Cartman:

Ohyeah,boy.Takealookatthis,ma'am.[sheclimbsupuntilhereyesarelevelwithhis]Seethat?

Hippies.[fivehippiesaresittinginaclearingintheattic,smokingandlaughing.]

ElderlyWoman:

Ohmy.

Cartman:

Thesearewhatwecalltheuhgigglingstoners.Prettycommonformofhippie,usuallyfoundintheattics.Problemis,ifyouseeonehippie,there'sprobablyawholelotmoreyou'renotseein'.Uh,whe-where'sthebackyard.

[Thebackyard.TheelderlyladyopensthedoorandCartmanwalksoutontothebackporch]

Cartman:

Yep,that'swhatIthought.Seethat?

You'vegotadrumcircleinyourbackyard.[eighthippiesareseenseatedaroundasmallcmapfiredrummingaway.Logsarescatteredaroundthem]

ElderlyWoman:

Oh,welltheyshowedupafewdaysago,butIdidn'tthinktheywerehurtinganything.

Cartman:

Yeah.Youknow,IhadaguyinJacksoncounty.Hehadalittledrumcircleinhisbackyard.Itturnedintoadrumcirclefourmilesindiameter.Yougetafewhippiesplayingdrumsandnextthingyouknow,yougotyourselfacolony.

ElderlyWoman:

Ohdear.

[backinsidethehouse]

ElderlyWoman:

Oh,well,so,sowhatdoIdo?

Cartman:

[goesbacktorappingthewalls,thenstops]Well,youratticcouldbesowecanfumigatewithpolymerethane.Thedrumcirclewe'regonnahavetogas.[rapsagain.Thewallbeginstocrackandhestepsaside.Ahippiebreaksthroughandfallstothefloor.Cartmansaysunderhisbreath]Goddamnit!

[pullsoutafireextiguisherfromhisbackpack]

Hippie1:

[dazedandconfused,coughing]Whoa,howdidIgethere?

Man,I'msohigh.

Cartman:

Goddamnhippie!

[opensfire.Foamspewsoutfromtheextinguisher]

Hippie1:

Whoa,dude!

Cartman:

Getoutofhere!

Hippie1:

Notcool!

[standsupandloodsatCartman]What'sup?

!

[runsoff]

Cartman:

Ma'am,Ineedtoclearoutyourgigglingstonersandyourdrum-criclehippiesRIGHTNOW,orsoonthey'regonnaattractsomethingmuchworse!

ElderlyWoman:

Ooooo.what'sthat?

Cartman:

Thecollegeknow-it-allhippies.

[Theneighborhood,day.Aredcarpullsuptothecurb.Onthebackwindowisadecalwhichsays"UniversityofColoradoatBoulder"Threemenandthreewomenstepoutofthecar]

Driver:

[wearinggreenjacket]Wow,myfriendBrittanywasright.Thisisareallylaid-backplace.

Woman1:

[wearingtanjacket]Yeah,thiswillbeagreatplacetospendspringbreak.[Stan,Kyle,andKennyapproachthem]

Kyle:

Hey,let'saskthem.[theboysarewearingshouldertoteswithmagazinespeekingoutfromthem.]

Stan:

Allright.[thetwopartiesmeet]'Scuseme.[holdsoutaclipboard]Hello,wearesellingmagazinesubscriptionsforourcommunityyouthprogram.Wouldyouliketohelpyoungpeoplelikeusbypurchasingasubscriptionofyourchoice?

Driver:

Ohwow,youguysshouldn'tbedoingthat.Don'tyouknowwhatyou'redoingtotheworld?

Kyle:

Wha-whatayamean?

Man1:

[wearingaguitaroverhisback]You'replayingintothecorporategame!

See,thecorporationsaretryingtoturnyouintolittleEichmannssothattheycanmakemoney.[theothermanisbusilyeatingchips]

Stan:

Whoarethecorporations?

Woman2:

[ablondewithapsychedelicfishonhershirt]Thecorporationsruntheentireworld.Andnowtheyfooledyouintoworkingforthem.

Stan:

Areyouserious?

?

Weneverheardthat.

Driver:

Wejustspentourfirstsemesteratcollege.Ourprofessorsopenedoureyes.Thegovernmentisusingitscorporatetiestomakeyousellmagazinessotheycangetrich.

Kyle:

Ugh!

Thosedirtyliars!

Kenny:

（Sonofabitch!

）[throwsdownhisshouldertote]

Man2:

[hasfinishedhischips]Thisisareallynicetownyouhavehere.That'swhythecorporationsaretryingtouseyoutotakeitdown.

Stan:

Well...Wellwhatdowedo?

Driver:

Justhangwithusforabit.We'llfillyouinoneverythingyouhaven'tbeentold.[Man2resumeseatingchips]

[Cartman'sbasement.He'sgatheredabunchofhippiesinthereandoneofthempoundsthedoortogetout]

Hippie2:

[wearingaheadband]Itistimetoletusout!

I'msendingyournames!

Openthisdoorrightnow!

Cartman:

[opensthedoorrealquickandtossesanotherhippiedownthestairs]Allright,inyougo.

Hippie2:

Whatareyoudoing,man?

!

Hippie3:

[wearingaV-necksweater]Letusout!

[thethrongadvancesupthestairs]

Cartman:

Getback.Getbackoryou'reallgonnagetmaced!

[thethrongbacksdown]

Hippie2:

What'sup,man?

!

Youcan'tkeepusdownherelikethis!

Hippie4:

[withstraightlonghair]What'swrongwithyou?

!

Cartman:

What'swrongisthatthere'smoreofyoushowingupeverydayandIneedtofindoutwhy!

Hippie5:

[wearingathinheadband]Whatmakesyouthinkyoucouldtelluswheretolive?

!

Hippie6:

Thisisafreecountry,man!

Cartman:

Brah,I'mnotgonnaarguewithyou,allright?

Justgowithit.

Hippie3:

Justgowithit?

We'vebeendownherefordays!

Cartman:

Andyou'regonnabeherealittlelonger,brah,allright?

Here,here'ssomejoints[tossesabunchofjointsdowntothehippies],andaguitar!

[tossesthatdownaswellandshutsthedoor.Hethentocksitandsetsalargebeamacrossthedoor,thenwalksaway.Thehippiesareleftthere,coughing.Oneofthemtakestheguitarandsings]

Singer:

What'sgoin'oninthisworldo'mine?

There'sawholelotofkillin'inthisworldo'mine.

Somebody'sgottahelpthisworldo'mine...

[Stan'shouse,ataboutthesametime.He'ssittingattheedgeoftheporchplayingaguitarquietly.Onhiscaphewearsapeacesign]

Stan:

Sign,signeverywhere.Sign

Donesomethingtomymind.

Sharon:

[peeksoutthroughtheslidingdoors]Stan,sweetie,we'regonnagotothemall.Doyouwannacome?

Stan:

Mom,themallisawayforthecorporatefatcatstoimprisonyouintoalifeofservitude.I'vegotsomestuffyoushouldread.

Sharon:

Okay,sweetie.

[CityHall,CityCouncilmeeting.MayorMcDanielsisseatedattheheadofaboardroomtable,withleadingcitizensofthetownsittingoneitherside.]

MayorMcDaniels:

Allright,people,wecanmoveontoissuenumber14B.

Chef:

[SecretaryofPublicSafety]Mayor,wehavegottodosomethin'aboutallthesepotholesonourroads!

LindaStotch:

[CityClerkandTreasurer]Wedon'thaveitinthebudgettofixthemrightnow.

Gerald:

[CityAttorney]We'llwishwespentthemoneywhenwehavealawsuitonourhands.

Chef:

We-[astruggleisheardinthehallandthecouncilmembersturntoseewhatitis.ThedooropensandCartmanrushesin,roughedup]

Guard:

Youcan'tgointhere!

Cartman:

Please,Ihavetotalktoyouallrightnow!

MayorMcDaniels:

Kid,we'rehaveacitycouncilmeeting.

Cartman:

Mayor,somethingverybigishappening,andifyoualldon'tgivemeamomentofyourtime,theremaybenomoreSouthParktocouncilover!

Randy:

[SecretaryofParksandPublicGrounds]Whatareyoutalkingabout?

Cartman:

I'mtalkingabouttheendofalllifeasweknowit.[somesurpriseisseenamongthecouncilmembers]ForthepastseveraldaysI'vebeen...noticingasteepriseinthenumberofhippiescomingtotown.[putsalaptoponthetableandturnsiton]AtfirstIthoughtmaybeitwasjustacoincidence.[pullsaprojectortowardsthelaptop]ThenIsawthis...[connectstheprojectortothelaptop,andtheprojectorturnson.Everyonethenlooksatthescreen.Cartmangoestoitandpointsafewthingsout]Threenewdrumcircleshavesprouteduphere,here,andhere.They'reallgrowingindiameter,atarateoftwohippiesperhour.Whatthismeans...isthatthehippiesareconglomerating.They'erthriving,ifyouwill.Ithinkthatthey'resettingupfora...[close-up].hippiemusicfestival.

Linda:

Awhat?

Cartman:

Ti's,it'ssimplescience.Look:

Whenhippiesstarttonestinanewarea,itdrawsotherhippiesin.Withtherightweatherconditionsandtopography,itcanleadtoamusicfestival.Onethatlastfordays,evenweeks.ReggaeontheRiver,Woodstock,BurningMan,theywillallpaleincomparisontowhatwe'relookingatnow.Inmyprofessionalopinion...Ithinkwe'relookingatafull-blownhippiejamfestivalthesizeofwhichwe'veneverseen.[theadultsdon'tgetit,Cartmansighsheavily]

MayorMcDaniels:

Kid,whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?

Cartman:

Iknowhippies.I'vehatedthemallmylife.I'vekeptthistownfreeofhippiesonmyownsinceIwasfiveandahalf.ButIcan'tcontainthemonmyownanymore.Wehavetodosomething,fast!

Mr.Mackey:

Uh,Eric,we're,we'retalkin'aboutpotholesrightnow,m'kay.

Cartman:

It'snotpotholesyouneedtoworryabout.It'spotheads.Iknowwhatthesepeoplearecapableof.

MayorMcDaniels:

Johnson,gethimoutofhere.[JohnsonrisesandgoesforCartman]

Cartman:

Whatareyoudoing?

!

[Johnso