CourtshipthroughtheAges.docx

CourtshipthroughtheAges.docx

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CourtshipthroughtheAges

CourtshipthroughtheAges

JamesThurber

SurelynothingintheastonishingschemeoflifecanhavenonplussedNaturesomuch

asthefactthatnoneofthefemalesofanyofspeciesshecreatedreallycaredvery

muchforthemale,assuch.ForthepasttenmillionyearsNaturehasbeenbusily

inventingwaystomakethemaleattractivetothefemale,butthewholebusinessof

courtship,fromthemarineannelidsuptoman,stilllumbersheavilyalong,likea

complicatedmusicalcomedy.Ihavebeenreadingthesadandabsorbingstory

oftheEncyclopediaBritannica.Inthisvolumeyoucanlearnaboutcricket,cotton,

costumedesigning,crocodiles,crownjewels,andColeridge,butnoneofthissubject

issointerestingastheCourtshipofanimals,whichrecountsthesorrowfullengthsto

whichallmalesmustgotoarousetheinterestofalady.Weallknow,Ithink,thatNaturegavemanwhiskersandamustache

withthequaint

ideainmindthatthesewouldproveattractivetothefemale.Weallknowthat,far

fromattractingher,whiskersandmustachesonlymadehernervousandgloomy,so

thatmanhadtogoinforsomersaults,tiltingwithlances,andperformingfeatsof

parlormagictowinherattention;healsohadtobringhercandy,flowers,andthefurs

ofanimals.Itiscommonknowledgethatinspiteofallthese"lovedisplays"themale

isconstantlybeingturneddown,insulted,orthrownoutofthehouse.Itisrather

comforting,then,todiscoverthatthepeacock,forallhisgorgeousplumage,doesnot

haveaparticularlyeasytimeincourtship;noneofthemalesintheworlddo.Thefirst

peahen,itturnedout,wasonlyfaintlystirredbyhersuitor'sbeautifultrain.Shewould

oftengoquietlytosleepwhilehewaswhiskingitaround.TheBritannicatellsusthat

thepeacockactuallyhadtolearnacertainlittletrick

towakeherupandreviveher

interest:

hehadtolearntovibratehisquillssoastomakearustlingsound.Inancient

timesmanhimself,observingthewaysofthepeacock,probablytriedvibratinghis

whiskerstomakearustlingsound;ifso,itdidn'tgethimanywhere.Hehadtogoin

forsomethingelse;so,amongotherthings,hewentinforgifts.Itisnotunlikelythat

hegotthisideafromcertainfliesandbirdswhoweremakingnoheadwayatallwith

rustlingsounds.

OneofthefliesofthefamilyEmpidae,whohadtriedeverything,finallyhiton

somethingprettyspecial.Hecontrivedtomakeaglisteningtransparentballoonwhich

wasevenlargerthanhimself.Intothishewouldputsweetmeatsandtidbitsandhe

wouldcarrythewholeelaborateenvelopethroughtheairtotheladyofhischoice.

Thisamusedherforatime,butshefinallygotboredwithit.Shedemandedsillylittle

colorfulpresents,somethingthatyoucouldn'teatbutthatwouldlooknicearoundthe

house.SothemaleEmpishadtogoaroundgatheringflowerpetalsandpiecesof

brightpapertoputintohisballoon.OnacourtshipflightamaleEmpiscutsquitea

figurenow,buthecanhardlybesaidtobehappy.Heneverknowshowsoonthe

femalewilldemandheavierpresents,suchasRomancoinsandgoldcollarbuttons.It

seemsprobablethatonedaythecourtshipoftheEmpidaewillfalldown,asman's

occasionallydoes,ofitsownweight.

Thebowerbirdisanothercreaturethatspendssomuchtimecourtingthefemalethat

henevergetsanyworkdone.Ifallthemalebowerbirdsbecamenervouswrecks

withinthenexttenorfifteenyears,itwouldnotsurpriseme.Thefemalebowerbird

insiststhataplaygroundbebuiltforherwithaspeciallyconstructedboweratthe

entrance.Thisbowerismuchmoreelaboratethanan

ordinarynestandisharderto

build;itcostsalotmore,too.Thefemalewillnotcometotheplaygrounduntilthe

malehasfilleditupwithagreatmanygifts:

silveryleaves,redleaves,rosepetals,

shells,beads,berries,bones,dice,buttons,cigarbands,Christmasseals,andtheLord

knowswhatelse.Whenthefemalefinallycondescendstovisittheplayground,sheis

inacoyandsillymoodandhastobechasedinandoutofthebowerandupanddown

theplaygroundbeforeshewillquitgigglingandstandstilllongenougheventoshake

hands.Themalebirdis,ofcourse,prettywelldoneinbeforethechasestarts,because

hehaswornhimselfouthuntingforeyeglasslensesandbegoniablossoms.Iimagine

thatmanyabowerbird,afterchasingafemalefortwoorthreehours,saysthehell

withitandgoeshometobed.Nextday,ofcourse,hetelephonessomeoneelseand

thesametryingritualisgonethroughwithagain.Amalebowerbirdis

asexhaustedas

anight-clubhabituebeforeheisoutofhistwenties.Themalefiddlercrabhasasomewhateasiertime,butitcanhardlybesaidthatheis

sittingpretty.Hehasoneenormouslylargeandpowerfulclaw,usuallybrilliantly

colored,andyoumightsupposethatallhehadtodowasreachoutandgrabsome

passingcutie.Theveryearliestfiddlercrabmayhavetriedthis,but,ifso,theygot

slappedfortheirpains.Afemalefiddlercrabwillnottolerateanycavemanstuff;she

neverhasandshedoesn'tintendtostartnow.Toattractafemale,afiddlercrabhasto

standontiptoeandbrandishhisclawintheair.Ifanyfemalecrabinthe

neighborhoodisinterested--andyou'dbesurprisedhowmanyarenot--shecomesover

andengageshiminlightbadinage,forwhichheisnotinthemood.Asmanyasa

hundredfemalesmaypassthetimeofdaywithhimandgoonabouttheirbusiness.

Bynightfallofanaveragecourtingday,afiddlercrabwhohasbeenstandingon

tiptoeforeightortenhourswavingaheavyclawintheairisinprettysadshape.As

inthecaseofthemaleofallspecies,however,hegetsoutofbednextmorning,

dashessomewateronhisface,andtriesagain.

Thenexttimeyouencounteramaleweb-spinningspider,stopandreflectthatheis

toobusyworryingabouthislovelifetohaveanydesiretobiteyou.Male

web-spinningspidershaveatougherlifethananyothermalesintheanimalkingdom.

Thisisbecausethefemaleweb-spinningspidershaveverypooreyesight.Ifamale

landsonafemale'sweb,shekillshimbeforehehastimetolaydownhiscaneand

gloves,mistakinghimforaflyorabumblebeewhohastumbledintohertrap.Before

thespeciesfiguredoutwhattodoaboutthis,millionsofmalesweremurderedby

ladiestheycalledon.Itisthenatureofspiderstoperformalittle

danceinfrontofthe

female,butbeforeamalespinnercouldgetnearenoughforthefemaletoseewhohe

wasandwhathewasupto,shewouldlashoutathimwithaflat-ironorapairof

gardenshears.Onenight,nobodyknowswhen,averybrightmalespinnerlayawake

worryingaboutcallingonaladywhohadbeenkillingsuitorsrightandleft.Itcameto

himthatthisbusinessofdancingasalovedisplaywasn'tgettinganybodyanywhere

acceptsthegrave.Hedecidedtogoinforweb-twitching,orstrand-vibrating.The

nextdayhetrieditononeofthenearsightedgirls.Insteadofdroppinginonher

suddenly,hestayedoutsidethewebandbeganmonkeyingwithoneofitsstrands.He

twitcheditupanddownandinandoutwithsuchaliltingrhythmthatthefemalewas

charmed.Theserenadeworkedbeautifully;thefemalelethimlive.TheBritannica's

spider-watcher,however,reportthatthissystemisnot

alwayssuccessful.Onceina

while,evennow,afemalewillfirethreebulletsintoasuitororrunhimthroughwith

akitchenknife.Shekeepsthreateninghimfromthemomenthestrikesthefirstlow

notesontheoutsidestrings,butusuallybythetimehehasgotuptothehighnotes

playedaroundthecenteroftheweb,heisgoingtotownandshespareshislife.

Eventhebutterfly,ashandsomeafellowashis,can'talwayswinamatemerelyby

flutteringaroundandshowingoff.Manybutterflieshavetohavescentscalesontheir

wings.Hepialuscarriesapowderpuffinaperfumedpouch.Hethrowsperfumeatthe

ladieswhentheypass.Themaletreecricket,Oecanthus,goesHepialusonebetterby

carryingatinybottleofwinewithhimandgivingdrinkstosuchdoxiesashehas

designson.Oneofthemalesnailsthrowsdartstoentertainthegirls.Soitgoes,

throughthelonglistofanimals,fromthebristle

wormandhisrudimentarydance

stepstomanandhisgiftofdiamondsandsapphires.Thegolden-eyedrakeraisesajet

ofwaterwithhisfeetashefliesoveralakesHepialushashispowerpuff,Oecanthus

hiswinebottle,manhisetchings.Itisabrightandmelancholystory,theage-old

desireofthemaleforthefemale,theage-olddesireofthefemaletobeamusedand

entertained.Ofallthecreaturesonearth,theonlymaleswhocouldbefiguredas

puttinganyironyintotheircourtshiparethegrebesandcertainotherdivingbirds.

Everynowandthen,withamighty"Whoosh!

"hepopsoutsuddenlyafewfeetfrom

hisgirlfriend,splashingwateralloverher.Sheseemstobepersuadedthatthisisa

purelylovingdisplay,butIliketothinkthatthegrebealwayshasafainthopeof

drowningherorscaringhertodeath.

IwillclosethisinvestigationintothemournfulburdensofthemalewithBritannica's

storyaboutacertainArguspheasant.ItappearsthattheArgusdisplayshimselfin

frontofafemalewhostandsperfectlystillwithoutmovingafeather....Themale

ArgustheBritannicatellsaboutwasconfinedinacagewithafemaleofanother

species,afemalewhokeptmovingaround,emptyingashtraysandfussingwith

lampshadesallthetimethemalewasshowingoffhistalents.Finally,indisgust,he

stalkedawayandbegandisplayinginfrontofh