SOUTH PARK 111.docx

SOUTH PARK 111.docx

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SOUTHPARK111

SOUTHPARKEpisode111

"Tom'sRhinoplasty"

ByTreyParker

ACTI

INT.CLASSROOM-DAY

WENDY

Stan,youknowit'salmostValentines

day...

STAN

Iknow.

WENDY

Maybeweshouldgoonacruiseor

something.

STAN

Ican'taffordacruise,dude!

WENDY

（Sweet）

Iknow,butwecouldmakealittle

boatoutofcardboard,andpretend

it'sacruise!

Cartmanhearsthisandjuststartslaughinghisassoff.

STAN

ShutupCartman!

CARTMAN

HOO,HOO!

OHHTHATISSOLAMEHAHA

HOOHOO!

WENDY

Andthenwecoulddressupinlittle

costumesandpretendlikewe're

gettingmarried.

Cartmanhearsthisandjuststartslaughinghisassoffagain.

CARTMAN

Stop,seriously.You'rekillingme

overhere.

PrincipalVictoriastepsinfrontoftheclass.

PRINCIPALVICTORIA

Children,Ihavesomedifficultnews

foryou...Mr.Garrisonwon'tbe

teachingforawhile.Hehastohave

surgery.

Thekidsallcheer.

PRINCIPALVICTORIA

Soyou'regoingtohaveasubstitute

teacher.AndIwantyoutoshowthe

substitutetheSAMErespectyoushow

forMr.Garrison...Yes,littleboy?

KYLE

（Flatly）

Wedon'thaverespectforMr.

Garrison.

PRINCIPALVICTORIA

Oh.

Thekidsjustsitthere.

PRINCIPALVICTORIA

Anyhoo,Iwantyoualltomeetyour

newsubstitute...Ms.Ellen.

MS.ELLENwalksin,sheisbeautifulandclassy.

MS.ELLEN

Hello,children.

STANANDKYLE

Woa...

CARTMAN

Wow,she'sPRETTY!

!

KENNY

Mphrmphrmrmph!

!

STAN

Youcansaythatagain!

KENNY

Mphrmphrmrmph!

!

PRINCIPALVICTORIA

GoodLuck,Ms.Ellen.Iftheyget

outofcontroljustusethistear

gas,okay?

PrincipalVictoriadropsacanofteargasonthedeskand

walksout.

MS.ELLEN

Thankyou,I'msureI'llbefine.

Theboysstare,enthralledwiththebeautifulteacher.

MS.ELLEN

Now,children,Iknowthatyoumust

beveryupsetaboutyourteacher

havingsurgery...ButIpromiseI'll

trytomakethingsaseasyaspossible

forallofus.

Stan,Cartman,KyleandKennyallhavelittleheartsabove

theirheadsandbigsmilesontheirfaces.

WendynoticesStan'sexpression,andstartstogetworried.

WENDY

Stan?

Stan?

Stanisjustfocusedontheteacher.

MS.ELLEN

Now,letmetryandlearnyournames

byyourseatingassignments.

（Readingoffofpaper）

Youare...EricCartman?

CARTMAN

Yesma'am!

MS.ELLEN

Okay...And

（TurningtoStan）

YOUmustbeStanMarsh!

Stanvomitsalloverhisdesk.

Wendy'seyesgrowhuge,shecan'tbelieveit.

MS.ELLEN

Doyouneedtogotothenurse's

office,Stanly?

CARTMAN

No,healwayspukeswhenhe'sin

love.

STAN

I'llkickyourass,Cartman!

!

MS.ELLEN

Soyou'realright?

Stanpukes.

KYLE

（Pointing）

Dude,youhadwafflesforbreakfast,

huh!

!

Wendylooksreallysad.

INT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY

TomtheRhinoplastandMr.Garrisonsitinfrontofalarge

computerscreen.

MR.GARRISON

IhavetoadmitI'mstillembarrassed

aboutgettinganosejob,Tom.I

didn'twantpeopleatschooltoknow,

soItoldthemIhadherpes.

TOM

Youshouldn'tbeembarrassed,Mr.

Garrison.Peoplehavecosmeticsurgery

allthetime.

Tomturnsonthecomputer.

TOM

Beforewestartthesurgery,this

computercanhelpyoupickwhatkind

ofnoseyouwant.

MR.GARRISON

Wow,isn'tthatamazing,Mr.Hat?

MR.HAT

Itsureis,Mr.Garrison.

Tomhitsafewkeysonthekeyboard.AnimageofMr.Garrison

comesuponthescreen.

TOM

Now,wecouldgowithsomethinga

littlesmaller,whichwouldmakeyou

looklike...This.

Thecomputerimagemorphs,thelittlelineofGarrison's

nosegetsalittlesmaller.

MR.GARRISON

Hmm...

TOM

Or,wecouldstraightenoutthe

bridge,whichwouldmakeyoulook

likethis...

Againtheimagechangesslightly.

MR.GARRISON

Oh,that'snotbad...

TOM

Ofcoursewecouldnarrowthebridge,

whichwouldmakeyoulookmorelike--

This...

TheimageofMr.Garrisonmorphsintoafullcolorheadshot

ofDavidHasslehoff.

MR.GARRISON

WOW!

!

!

THAT'SIT!

!

THAT'STHENOSEI

WANT!

!

TOM

Alrightythen.

Tomturnsoffthecomputerandtakesafewnotes.

TOM

NowImustwarnyou,Mr.Garrison,

thatthereARErisks...

OminousMUSICswellsup.

TOM

Youcouldwindupahideous,foul,

shadowofacreature,soterrifyingly

uglythatyouareforcedtolivein

thesewers,onlyemergingatnight

tohuntforscrapsoffood.

Garrisonthinks.

MR.GARRISON

Icanlivewiththat.

TOM

Alrightythen,let'sgetstarted!

EXT.PLAYGROUND-DAY

Theboysareallgatheredontheplayground.

CARTMAN

Shewasn'tlookingatyou,buttLord!

ShewaslookingatME.

KYLE

Wellthatgoeswithoutsaying,Fat

ass--HowcouldsheHELPbutlook

atyou!

!

STAN

Youguyscanstopfighting,itwas

MEshewascheckingout.

CARTMAN

Untilyoupukedonher.

Chefwalksup.

CHEF

Hellothere,children.What'sall

thisI'mhearingaboutanewteacher?

KYLE

Ms.Ellen,dude!

She'sBEAUTIFUL!

WendyissittingontheswingsetnexttoherfriendBebe.

BebelooksatWendywhoishearingallofthisandlooking

pitiful.

CHEF

Isshelike,VanessaWilliams

beautifulorToniBraxtonBeautiful?

Theboysthink.

CHEF

OrPamelaAndersonbeautiful?

Theboysdon'tknow.

CHEF

OrissheErinGreyinthesecond

seasonofBuckRodgersbeautiful?

STAN

Yeah,thatone!

CHEF

WWOOH!

!

!

Igottameetthiswoman!

!

Finally,Wendywalksup.

WENDY

Stan,Didn'tyounoticehowherleft

armislongerthantherightone?

STAN

No.

WENDY

Wellitis!

CHEF

That'sokay.Youknowwhattheysay

aboutwomenwithonearmlongerthan

theother...

KENNY

Mphrmphrmrmphrmrmph!

!

CHEF

That'sright!

Theboysalllaughmerrily.

WENDY

Welldidyounoticethatmoleonthe

backofherneckwiththehairgrowing

outofit?

Everybodythinks.

CHEF

That'sokay,youknowwhattheysay

aboutwomenwithamoleontheback

oftheirneckswithhairgrowingout

ofit...

Pause...

KennylooksatChef,confused.

WENDY

Stan,we'restillvalentines,right?

STAN

Sure,Wendy,whatever.

TheboyswalkawayADLIBBINGlinesaboutMs.Ellen（Sheis

sopretty）etc.

KYLE

Hey!

WeshouldbuyMs.Ellen

Valentine'sdaypresents!

STAN

Yeah!

We'llgotothemalltonight!

CARTMAN

I'mgoingtobuyavacuumcleaner.

Chickslovevacuumcleaners.

Wendylookslikeshe'sabouttocryasSADMUSICswellsup.

TRACKinonWendy'ssadlittlefaceasthesongbegins:

SONG

Irememberwhenweweresoin

love.........

AstheSONGCONTINUES,weseeamontageofStanandWendy

together:

FromEp.1:

StanBarfsinthecafeteria.

FromEp.1:

Stan'sBarfsatStark'sPond.

FromEp.7:

StanBarfsinthecemetery.

FromEp.1:

StanbarfsinWendy'sface.

SONG

Themomentsthatwesharedwere

timeless...

Thesongends,andpoorlittleWendywalksaway,sniffling.

EXT.SOUTHPARKELEMENTARY-DAY

Establishing.

INT.CLASSROOM-DAY

Thechildrenarebackintheirdesks.

MS.ELLEN

Oh,goodness.Wouldanybodymind

cleaningmyerasersafterclass?

Theboysallshoottheirhandsup.

CARTMAN

ME!

ME!

ME!

BebeNoticesWendy'spitifulexpression.

BEBE

Youguysaresoimmature!

Actlike

eightyearolds!

MS.ELLEN

Stan,howaboutyou?

Stanvomits.

STAN

I'dloveto!

Wendylooksreadytokill.

MS.ELLEN

Now,children,let'sreviewour

multiplicationtables.

Cartmanraiseshishand.

MS.ELLEN

Cartman?

CARTMAN

What'samultiplicationtable?

MS.ELLEN

Didn'tMr.Garrisonteach

multiplication?

Thekidsallshaketheirheads.

MS.ELLEN

Well,wheredidheleaveoff?

CARTMAN

WewerelearningabouthowYasmine

BleethwasgoingoutwiththatRichard

Greicoguythatusedtobeon"21

JumpStreet",butthenhegothis

ownshowforjustalittlewhile.

Chefwalksinunannounced.

CHEF

Oh,hello!

MS.ELLEN

CanIhelpyou?

CHEF

（Suavely）

I'mChef...

MS.ELLEN

And?

CHEF

Ijust,uh...Istoppedby'cause

littleKyleforgothislaundry

detergentontheplayground.

ChefholdsoutaboxofWhooshLaundryDetergent.

KYLE

Mylaundrydetergent?

STAN

That'snotKyle'slau-

CHEF

Shh!

ChefputsthedetergentonKyle'sdesk.

CHEF

Crazycrackersarealwaysleaving

theirdetergentallovertheplace.

Whatwasyournameagain?

CARTMAN

（Aside,toKyle）

Oh,oh,Chef'smovin'inonMs.Ellen!

MS.ELLEN

I'mthesubstitute.

CHEF

Well,I'msurethere'snosubstitute

foryou.

MS.ELLEN

That'sverynice,Mr.Chef.Nowif

you'refinished-

MUSICkicksin.

CHEF

（Singing）

NobodycouldtakeyourplaceNoway

theycouldmatchyourface'no,you

gotitgoinoninawaysoclear...

Ijustwannabuyyouabeer-ormaybe

tonightatseventhirtyorsomething

Icouldcomebyandpickyouupin

mycar...（NoSubstitute）No

substituteforyou,（Nosubstitute）

Nobabythere's...（Nosubstitute）

foryougirl（Nosubstitute）foryou

now.Youknowthatit'strue,（No

substitute）There'sjustnosubstitute

foryou.

Asabruptlyasitstarted,thesongends.

STAN

WehaveGOTtolearnhowtodothis,

dude.

KYLE

Yup.

MS.ELLEN

Thatwasenthralling,Mr.Chef.But,

couldIgetbacktoteachingnow?

CHEF

Ifwecanhavedinnertonight.

MS.ELLEN

Fine,Chef,justletmedomyjob

beforeIgetfired.

CARTMAN

Oh,weak!

Chef'sgonnamakesweet

lovetoMs.Ellen!

MS.ELLEN

WHAT?

!

EXT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY

Establish.

INT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY

WeseeTomtheRhinoplastfromthecamera'sP.O.V.Tomis

splatteredwithblood.

TOM

Mr.Garrison?

Mr.Garrison?

The