幽默.docx
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幽默
NoCavities
Asmilingboyarrivedhomefromadentalvisit,"Heymom,thedentistsaysIhavenocavities."
Hismomstaredathimwide-eyedandquitesurprised,"It'simpossible--youneverbrushyourteethaftercleaningthechocolateboxbeforeyougotobed!
Thentheboyopenedhismouth--hehadnotatoothleft!
英文笑话:
我没有蛀牙
小男孩儿看完牙医,
面带微笑地回到家:
“嘿,妈妈,牙医说,我一颗蛀牙也没有。
”
妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛:
“不可能——你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完,而且从来不刷牙!
”
这时,男孩儿张开了嘴巴——他的牙全被拔光了。
Whyaregiraffesthecheapesttofeed?
为什么养长颈鹿最不花钱?
Theymakealittlefoodgoalongway.
因为它们脖子长,一点点食物都要走很长的路才能咽下去。
Whyaredogsafraidtosunbathe?
狗为什么害怕日光浴?
Theydon'twanttobehot-dog.因为它们不想成为热狗。
Whyisthepigalwayseating?
猪为什么没完没了地吃?
He'smakingahogofhimself.它想成为一只肉猪。
Whyarepoliticiansnolongerconcernedwithsnowballfights?
政客们为什么不再关注打雪仗了?
Thecoldwarisover.冷战结束了。
Whydon'twomengetbaldassoonasmen?
为什么总是男人比女人先秃头?
Becausewomenwearhirelonger.因为女人头发留得长。
Whatcanpierceone'searswithoutahole?
什么东西不用打洞就可以在耳朵上穿孔?
Noice.
噪音。
What'sthelongestwordintheworld?
世界上最长的单词是什么?
Smiles.Becausethere'samilebetweentheletter's'.
微笑。
因为两个字母S中间隔了一里。
Whydoestimefly?
时间为何飞逝?
Togetawayfromallthosewhoaretryingtokillit.
为的是甩掉所有要谋杀它的人。
Wherecanadoggetanothertail?
狗去哪里可以再弄到一条尾巴?
Ataretailstore.
在零售商店。
Threepastorsinthesouthwerehavinglunchinadiner.Onesaid,"Youknow,sincesummerstartedI'vebeenhavingtroublewithbatsinmyloftandatticatchurch.I'vetriedeverything----noise,spray,cats----nothingseemstoscarethemaway."
Anothersaid,"Yes,metoo.I'vegothundredslivinginmybelfryandintheattic.I'vebeenhadtheplacefumigated,andtheystillwon'tgoaway.""
Thethirdsaid,"Ibaptizedallmine,andmadethemmembersofthechurch...haven'tseenonebacksince!
"
蝙蝠的问题
三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。
其中的一个说道:
“你们知道吗,自从夏天来临,我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰,我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。
”
另外一位说:
“是啊,我也是。
在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。
我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍,它们还是赶不走。
”
第三个牧师说:
“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼,让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。
”
Onedayavisitorfromthecitycametoasmallruralareatodrivearoundthecountryroads,seehowthefarmslooked,andperhapstoseehowfarmersearnedtheirliving.Thecitymansawafarmerinhisyard,holdingapigupinhishands,andliftingitsothatthepigcouldeatapplesfromanappletree.Thecitymansaidtothefarmer,"Iseethatyourpiglikesapples,butisn'tthatquiteawasteoftime?
"Thefarmerreplied,"What'stimetoapig?
"
一天,有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村,在乡间路上开着车,想看看农庄是什么样子,也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。
这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上,手中抱着一头猪,并把它举得高高的,好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。
城里人对农夫说,"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的,但是,这不是很浪费时间吗?
"那位农夫回答说,"时间对猪有什么意义?
"
One businessmenweretalkingaboutadvertisingonTVexcitedly.Asnoneofthemhadeverdoneitbefore,everyonehadhispointofview.Atthismoment,Mr.Greyarrived.HewasacardealerandonceplacedanadvertisementonTV.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?
”Mr.Greyasked.“Doesadvertisementwork?
”oneofthebusinessmenasked.“Ohyes,itworksveryfast,”Mr.Greysaid.“Ionceadvertisedformylostdogandofferedarewardof$100.”“Didyougetthedogback?
”“No,butthatverynight,threeofmycarswerestolen.”
一些商人正在兴奋地谈论电视广告。
由于在这之前他们中谁也没有在电视上做过广告,所以都各持己见。
正在这时,格雷先生来了。
他是一名汽车经销商,曾在电视上做过广告。
"你们在谈论什么呢?
"格雷先生问道。
"广告管不管用?
"一位商人问道。
"哦,管用管用!
立竿见影!
"格雷先生说。
"一次我登广告寻找我丢失的狗,出赏金100美元。
""狗找回来了吗?
""没有,可就在那天晚上,我三辆车却被偷了。
"
Teacher:
“Ihavetwoquestions,itisn'tnecessarytoanswerthesecondquestionifyouknowtheresultofthefirstquestion.Howmuchhairdoyouhave?
”
Student:
“Ahundredandtwentymillions.”
Teacher:
“Howdoyouknowit?
”
Student:
“Itisnotnecessarytoanswerthesecondquestion.”
老师:
"我有两个题目,你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。
你有多少根头发?
"
学生:
"1.2亿根。
"
老师:
"你怎么知道?
"
学生:
"第二题不需回答。
"
Betweenmyfirstandsecondskilessons,Iwaspracticingonthebeginner'sslopeatMammothMountaininCalifornia.Ibegantopickupspeed,andsuddenlyIrealizedIhadforgottenhowtostop.Thatsamemoment,Isawayoungcouplestandingmotionlessdirectlyinmypath.″Lookout!
Getoutofmyway!
″Iyelled.Theydidnotheedmywarning,andamomentlaterthethreeofuswereuptoourearsinsnow.Aswewereuntanglingpolesandrecoveringskis,Iapologized,explainingthatIdidnotknowhowtostop.″That'sokay,madam,″saidtheyoungman.″Wedidn'tknowhowtomove.″
滑雪课
我刚开始上滑雪课时,在加利福尼亚猛犸山的初学者坡道上练习。
我逐渐开始加速,但我突然意识到我忘了该怎么停下来。
就在这时,我看到一对年轻夫妇一动不动地站在我的滑道上。
当心!
让开!
我喊道。
他们根本没听到我的警告。
顷刻之间,我们3人都被埋在了雪里。
我们抽出扭在一起的滑雪杆,找回滑雪板。
我连忙道歉,解释说我不知道如何才能停下来。
没关系,女士,那名男子说我们不知道怎样才能滑动。
GeorgeW.Bushvisitsanelementaryschoolandthe4thgradeclassisinthemiddleofadiscussionrelatedtowordsandtheirmeanings.TheteacherasksthePresidentifhewouldliketoleadtheclassinadiscussionoftheword″tragedy″.SoGeorgeW.askstheclassforanexampleofatragedy.Oneboystandsupandsays,″Ifmybestfriendwholivesnextdoorisplayinginthestreetandacarcomesalongandrunshimover,thatwouldbeatragedy.″″No,″saysBush,″thatwouldbeanaccident.″Agirlraisesherhand,″Ifaschoolbuscarrying50childrendroveoffacliff,killingeveryoneinvolved,thatwouldbeatragedy.″″I'mafraidnot,″explainsthePresident.″That'swhatwewouldcallaGreatLoss.″Theroomgoessilent.Nootherchildrenvolunteer.PresidentBushsearchestheroomandasks,″Isn'ttheresomeoneherewhocangivemeanexampleofatragedy?
″Finally,wayinthebackoftheroom,Johnnyraiseshishandandinaquietvoicehesays,″IfAirForceOne,carryingMr.andMrs.Bush,wasstruckbyamissileandblownuptosmithereens,thatwouldbeatragedy.″″That'sright!
AndcanyoutellmeWHYthatwouldbeatragedy?
″asksthePresident.″Well,″Johnnysays,″becauseitwouldn'tbeanaccidentanditsureaswellwouldn'tbeaGreatLoss.″
乔治·布什到一所小学参观,四年级的孩子们正在讨论一些单词及其含义。
老师问总统是否愿意带领孩子们讨论灾难这个词的含义,乔治·布什要求学生们给出灾难的具体例子。
一个男孩站起来说如果住在我隔壁的我最好的朋友在街上玩,一辆轿车开过来并从他身上轧过去,那将是一场灾难。
不,布什说那只是一场意外。
一个女孩举起手,说如果一辆载着50个学生的校车翻下悬崖,车上所有的同学都丧命,那将是一场灾难。
恐怕不是,总统解释说那是我们所说的重大损失。
教室里一片安静,没有一个孩子再发言。
布什总统扫视了一遍教室,然后说这里没有人能再给我一个例子,说明什么是灾难吗?
最后,在教室的后面,约翰尼举起了手,用平静的口气说如果载着布什先生和布什太太的空军一号被导弹击落并炸成碎片,那将是一场灾难。
对了!
你能告诉我为什么那是灾难吗?
总统问。
哦,约翰尼说因为那不是意外,也绝对不是重大损失。
ASundayschoolteacherwastellingherpupilstheimportanceofmakingothersglad."Now,children,"saidshe,"hasanyoneofyouevermakesomeoneelseglad?
"
"Please,teacher,"saidasmallboy,"I'vemakesomeonegladyesterday."
"Welldone.Whowasthat?
"
"Mygranny."
"Goodboy.Nowtellushowyoumadeyourgrandmotherglad."
"Please,teacher,Iwenttoseeheryesterday,andstayedwithherthreehours.ThenIsaidtoher,'Granny,I'mgoinghome,'andshesaid,'Well,I'mglad'!
"
一个学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。
“现在,孩子们,”她说:
“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过?
”
“我,老师,”一个小男孩说:
“昨天我就使别人高兴过。
”
“做得好,是谁呢?
”
“我奶奶。
”
“好孩子。
现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。
”
“是这样的,老师。
我昨天去看她,在她那儿呆了三个小时。
然后我跟她说:
‘奶奶,我要回家了。
’她说:
‘啊,我很高兴!
’”
whydoyouneverphoneme?
MrsHarrislivesinasmallvillage.Herhusbandisdead,butshehasoneson.Heistwenty-oneandhisnameisGeoff.Heworkedintheshopinthevillageandlivedwithhismother,butthenhegotworkinatownandwentantlivedthere.ItsnamewasGreensea.Itwasquitealongwayfromhismother'svillage,andshewasnothappyaboutthis,butGeoffsaid,"Thereisn'tanygoodworkformeinthecountry,Mother,andIcangetalotofmoneyinGreenseaandsendyousomeeveryweek."
MrsHarriswasveryangrylastSunday.Shegotinatrainandwenttoherson'shouseinGreensea.Thenshesaidtohim,"Geoff,whydoyouneverphoneme?
"
Geofflaughed."But,Mother",hesaid,"youhaven'tgotaphone."
"No,"sheanswered,"Ihaven't,butYOU'VEgotone!
"
Isitfar?
Ali,whowasworkingalongwayfromhome,wantedtosendalettertohiswife,buthecouldneitherreadnorwrite,andhehadtoworkallday,sohecouldonlylookforsomebodytowritehisletterlateatnight.Atlasthefoundthehouseofaletter-writerwhosenamewasNasreddin.
Nasreddinwasalreadyinbed.'Itislate,'hesaid.'Whatdoyouwant?
''Iwantyoutowritealettertomywife,'saidAli.Nasreddinwasnotpleased.Hethoughtforafewsecondsandthensaid,'Hasthelettergottogofar?
'
'Whatdoesthatmatter?
'answeredAli.
'Well,mywritingissostrangethatonlyIcanreadit,andifIhavetotravelalongwaytoreadyourlettertoyourwife,itwillcostyoualotofmoney.'
Aliwentawayquickly.
Wehavenowaiterhere
WhenMrJoneswenttoarestaurantoneday,helefthiscoatnearthedoor.Therewasnothinginthepocketsofthecoatwhenheleftit,sohewasverysurprisedwhenhetookhiscoatafterhismealandfoundthepocketsfullofjewellery!
Therewasawaiternearthedoor,soMrJonessaidtohim,'somebodyhasmadeamistake.Hehasputsomejewelleryinmycoat.Takeit,andwhenhecomesback,giveittohim.'Thewaitertookitandwentaway.SuddenlyanothermancameinwithacoatjustlikeMrJones's.'Iamsorry,'saidthisman.'Imadeamistake.Itookyourcoatandyouhavegotmine.Pleasegivememycoatandjewellery.'MrJonesanswered,'Igavethejewellerytothewaiter.Hewillgiveittoyou.'
MrJonescalledthemanageroftherestaurant;butthemanagersaid,'Wehavenowaitershere.Weonlyhavewaitresses.''Yougavethejewellerytoathief!
'shoutedtheotherman.'Ishallcallthepolice!
'MrJoneswasfrightenedandpaidthemanalotofmoneyforthejewellery.
Thatmanknowsthefuture
Nasreddinwascuttingabranchofatreeinhisgarden.Whilehewassawing,anothermanpas