幽默.docx

1、幽默No Cavities A smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit,Hey mom,the dentist says I have no cavities. His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised,Its impossible -you never brush your teeth after cleaning the chocolate box before you go to bed!Then the boy opened his mouth -he had not a t

2、ooth left!英文笑话：我没有蛀牙小男孩儿看完牙医，面带微笑地回到家：“嘿，妈妈，牙医说，我一颗蛀牙也没有。”妈妈惊讶地瞪大眼睛：“不可能你每回上床睡觉前都把巧克力盒子里的糖一下子吃完，而且从来不刷牙！”这时，男孩儿张开了嘴巴他的牙全被拔光了。Why are giraffes the cheapest to feed?为什么养长颈鹿最不花钱？They make a little food go a long way.因为它们脖子长，一点点食物都要走很长的路才能咽下去。Why are dogs afraid to sunbathe?狗为什么害怕日光浴？They dont want to b

3、e hot-dog.因为它们不想成为热狗。Why is the pig always eating?猪为什么没完没了地吃？Hes making a hog of himself.它想成为一只肉猪。Why are politicians no longer concerned with snowball fights?政客们为什么不再关注打雪仗了？The cold war is over.冷战结束了。Why dont women get bald as soon as men?为什么总是男人比女人先秃头？Because women wear hire longer.因为女人头发留得长。What

4、can pierce ones ears without a hole?什么东西不用打洞就可以在耳朵上穿孔？Noice.噪音。Whats the longest word in the world?世界上最长的单词是什么？Smiles. Because theres a mile between the letter s.微笑。因为两个字母S中间隔了一里。Why does time fly?时间为何飞逝？To get away from all those who are trying to kill it.为的是甩掉所有要谋杀它的人。Where can a dog get another t

5、ail?狗去哪里可以再弄到一条尾巴？At a retail store.在零售商店。Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me

6、 too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive been had the place fumigated, and they still wont go away.The third said, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church.havent seen one back since!蝙蝠的问题三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法-噪音、喷雾、

7、猫-似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员.从此一只也没有再回来过。” One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city m

8、an saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, I see that your pig likes apples, but isnt that quite a waste of time? The farmer replied, Whats time to a pig?一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车

9、，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?那位农夫回答说，时间对猪有什么意义? Onebusinessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, everyone had his point of view. At this moment, Mr. Grey arrived. He

10、 was a car dealer and once placed an advertisement on TV. “ What are you talking about?”Mr. Grey asked. “Does advertisement work?” one of the businessmen asked. “ Oh yes, it works very fast,” Mr. Grey said. “ I once advertised for my lost dog and offered a reward of100.” “ Did you get the dog back?”

11、 “ No, but that very night, three of my cars were stolen.”一些商人正在兴奋地谈论电视广告。由于在这之前他们中谁也没有在电视上做过广告，所以都各持己见。正在这时，格雷先生来了。他是一名汽车经销商，曾在电视上做过广告。你们在谈论什么呢?格雷先生问道。广告管不管用?一位商人问道。哦，管用管用!立竿见影!格雷先生说。一次我登广告寻找我丢失的狗，出赏金100美元。狗找回来了吗?没有，可就在那天晚上，我三辆车却被偷了。 Teacher:“ I have two questions, it isnt necessary to answer the s

12、econd question if you know the result of the first question.How much hair do you have?”Student：“ A hundred and twenty millions.”Teacher:“ How do you know it?”Student:“ It is not necessary to answer the second question.”老师：我有两个题目，你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。你有多少根头发?学生：1.2亿根。老师：你怎么知道?学生：第二题不需回答。 Between my first

13、and second ski lessons, I was practicing on the beginners slope at Mammoth Mountain in Californi a. I began to pick up speed, and suddenly I realized I had forgotten how to stop. That same moment, I saw a young couple standing motionless directly in my path.Look out！ Get out of myway！ I yelled. They

14、 did not heed my warning, and a moment later the three of us were up to our ears in snow. As we were untangling poles and recovering skis, I apologized, explaining that I did not know how to stop.Thats okay, madam, said the young man.We didnt know how tomove.滑雪课我刚开始上滑雪课时,在加利福尼亚猛犸山的初学者坡道上练习。我逐渐开始加速,但

15、我突然意识到我忘了该怎么停下来。就在这时,我看到一对年轻夫妇一动不动地站在我的滑道上。 当心！让开！ 我喊道。他们根本没听到我的警告。顷刻之间,我们3人都被埋在了雪里。我们抽出扭在一起的滑雪杆,找回滑雪板。我连忙道歉,解释说我不知道如何才能停下来。没关系,女士,那名男子说 我们不知道怎样才能滑动。George W.Bush visits an elementary school and the 4th grade class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher ask

16、s the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the wordtragedy. So GeorgeW.asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One boy stands up and says,If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.No,

17、says Bush,that would be an accident. A girl raises her hand,If a school bus carrying50children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.Imafraidnot, explains the President.Thats what we would call a GreatLoss. The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President

18、Bush searches the room and asks,Isnt there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy？ Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raises his hand and in a quiet voice he says,If Air Force One, carryingMr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a

19、 tragedy.Thats right！ And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy？ asks the President.Well, Johnny says,be cause it wouldnt be an accident and it sure as well wouldnt be a GreatLoss.乔治布什到一所小学参观,四年级的孩子们正在讨论一些单词及其含义。老师问总统是否愿意带领孩子们讨论 灾难 这个词的含义,乔治布什要求学生们给出灾难的具体例子。一个男孩站起来说 如果住在我隔壁的我最好的朋友在街上玩,一辆轿车开过来并

20、从他身上轧过去,那将是一场灾难。不,布什说 那只是一场意外。一个女孩举起手,说 如果一辆载着50个学生的校车翻下悬崖,车上所有的同学都丧命,那将是一场灾难。 恐怕不是,总统解释说 那是我们所说的重大损失。教室里一片安静,没有一个孩子再发言。布什总统扫视了一遍教室,然后说 这里没有人能再给我一个例子,说明什么是灾难吗？最后,在教室的后面,约翰尼举起了手,用平静的口气说 如果载着布什先生和布什太太的空军一号被导弹击落并炸成碎片,那将是一场灾难。对了！你能告诉我为什么那是灾难吗？ 总统问。哦,约翰尼说 因为那不是意外,也绝对不是重大损失。A Sunday school teacher was tel

21、ling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she , has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?Please, teacher,said a small boy,Ive make someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.Please, teacher, I

22、 went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad!一个学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”“做得好，是谁呢？”“我奶奶。”“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：奶奶，我要回家了。她说：啊，我很高

23、兴！”why do you never phone me? Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was

24、quite a long way from his mothers village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, There isnt any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week.Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her sons ho

25、use in Greensea. Then she said to him, Geoff, why do you never phone me?Geoff laughed. But, Mother, he said, you havent got a phone.No, she answered, I havent, but YOUVE got one! Is it far? Ali, who was working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor

26、write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.Nasreddin was already in bed. It is late, he said. What do you want? I want you to write a letter to my wife, said Ali. Nasr

27、eddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, Has the letter got to go far?What does that matter? answered Ali.Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money.Ali went aw

28、ay quickly. We have no waiter here When Mr Jones went to a restaurant one day, he left his coat near the door. There was nothing in the pockets of the coat when he left it, so he was very surprised when he took his coat after his meal and found the pockets full of jewellery!There was a waiter near t

29、he door, so Mr Jones said to him, somebody has made a mistake. He has put some jewellery in my coat. Take it, and when he comes back, give it to him. The waiter took it and went away. Suddenly another man came in with a coat just like Mr Joness. I am sorry, said this man. I made a mistake. I took yo

30、ur coat and you have got mine. Please give me my coat and jewellery. Mr Jones answered, I gave the jewellery to the waiter. He will give it to you.Mr Jones called the manager of the restaurant; but the manager said, We have no waiters here. We only have waitresses. You gave the jewellery to a thief! shouted the other man. I shall call the police! Mr Jones was frightened and paid the man a lot of money for the jewellery. That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden. While he was sawing, another man pas