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英语幽默A1
1、HisAndHerDiary
Justgoestoshowhowdifferentlymenandwomenlookatthings...
HERDIARY:
SaturdaynightIthoughthewasactingweird.Wehadmadeplanstomeetatabartohaveadrink.Iwasshoppingwithmyfriendsalldaylong,soIthoughthewasupsetatthefactthatIwasabitlate,buthemadenocomment.Conversationwasn'tflowingsoIsuggestedthatwegosomewherequietsowecouldtalk.Heagreedbuthekeptquietandabsent.Iaskedhimwhatwaswronghesaidnothing.Iaskedhimifitwasmyfaultthathewasupset.Hesaidithadnothingtodowithmeandnottoworry.OnthewayhomeItoldhimthatIlovedhim,hesimplysmiledandkeptdriving.Ican'texplainhisbehaviour;Idon'tknowwhyhedidn'tsayIloveyoutoo.WhenwegothomeIfeltasifhadlosthim,asifhewantednothingtodowithmeanymore.HejustsatthereandwatchedTVHeseemeddistant
andabsent.FinallyIdecidedtogotobed.About10minuteslaterhecametobedandtomysurpriseherespondedtomycaressandwemadelove,butIstillfeltthathewasdistractedandhisthoughtswheresomewhereelse.IdecidedthatIcouldnottakeitanymoresoIdecidedtoconfronthimwiththesituationbuthehadfallenasleep.IstartedcryingandcrieduntilItoofellasleep.Idon'tknowwhattodo.I'malmostsurethathisthoughtsarewithsomeoneelse.Mylifeisadisaster.
HISDIARY
TodaytheLeafslost.AtleastIgotlaid.
2、MarriageIs...
Abestman'sspeechshouldbelikeamini-skirt:
shortenoughtobeinteresting,butlongenoughtocoverthebareessentials.
Aclassifiedadwhichread"WifeWanted"receivedhundredsofresponses,allfrommensaying"Youcanhavemine."
Agentlemanisonewhoneverswearsathiswifewhileladiesarepresent.
Ahusbandexpectshiswifetobeperfect...andtounderstandwhyhe'snot.
Ahusbandislivingproofthatawifecantakeajoke.
Ahusbandsaidtohiswife,"No,Idon'thateyourrelatives.Infact,Ilike
yourmother-in-lawbetterthanIlikemine."
Amanneedsamistress,justtobreakthemonogamy.
Aperfectwifeisonewhohelpsthehusbandwiththedishes.
Asonaskedhisfather,"Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?
"Fatherreplied,"Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpayingforit."
Asuccessfulmanisonewhomakesmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend.Asuccessfulwomanisonewhocanfindsuchaman.
Atoasttothenewlyweds:
Mayyouronlyupsanddownsbebetweenthesheets.
Aweddingringislikeatourniquet;itcutsoffyourcirculation.
Awomanwastellingherfriend,"ItisIwhomademyhusbandamillionaire."Thefriendasked,"Andwhatwashebeforeyoumarriedhim?
"Thewomanreplied,"Amulti-millionaire."
Afteraquarrel,awifesaidtoherhusband,"Youknow,IwasafoolwhenImarriedyou."Thehusbandreplied,"Yes,dear,butIwasinloveanddidn'tnotice."
Beforewegotmarried,Icaughtherinmyarms.NowIcatchherinmypockets.
Confuciussaymanwhosinkintowoman'sarmssoonhavearmsinwoman'ssink.
EightypercentofmarriedmencheatinAmerica.TherestcheatinEurope.
Honeymoon:
Ashortperiodofdotingbetweendatinganddebting.
Ihadsomewordswithmywifeandshehadsomeparagraphswithme.
ImarriedMissRight.Ijustdidn'tknowherfirstnamewasAlways.
IneverknewwhatrealhappinesswasuntilIgotmarried...andthenitwastoolate.
Irecentlyreadthatloveisentirelyamatterofchemistry.Thatmustbewhymywifetreatsmeliketoxicwaste.
Iwasmarriedbyajudge.Ishouldhaveaskedforajury.
I'manexcellenthousekeeper.EverytimeIgetadivorce,Ikeepthehouse.
Ifyouwantyourspousetolistenandpayfullattentiontowhatyouhavetosay,talkinyoursleep.
It'sagive-and-takemarriage.Hegivesandshetakes.
Marriageisagreatinstitution;butwhowantstoliveinaninstitution?
MarriageisaninstitutioninwhichthemanloseshisBachelor'sdegreeandthewomangetsherMaster's.
Marriageistheonlysportinwhichthetrappedanimalhastobuythelicense.
Marriageiswhenamanandwomanbecomeasone;thetroublestartswhentheytrytodecidewhichone.
Mywiferanoffwithmybestfriendlastweek.Gosh,Imisshim!
Sheofferedherhonor,hehonoredheroffer,andallnighthewasonherandoffher.
Thethreestagesofsexinmarriage:
tri-weekly;try-weekly;try-weakly
Theysaythatwhenamanholdsawoman'shandbeforemarriage,itislove;aftermarriageitisself-defense.
Whenamanopensthedoorofhiscarforhiswife,youcanbesureofonething:
eitherthecarisneworthewife.
3、HeSaid,SheSaid
Wheneveramanhassomethingtosay,youcanbesureawomanalwayshastohavehersayintheend...
Hesaid...Idon'tknowwhyyouwearabra;you'vegotnothingtoputinit.
Shesaid...Youwearbriefs,don'tyou?
Hesaid...Doyoulovemejustbecausemyfatherleftmeafortune?
Shesaid...Notatallhoney,Iwouldloveyounomatterwholeftyouthemoney.
Hesaid...Thiscoffeeisn'tfitforapig!
Shesaid...Noproblem,I'llgetyousomethatis.
Shesaid...Whatdoyoumeanbycominghomehalfdrunk?
Hesaid...It'snotmyfault...Iranoutofmoney.
Hesaid...SinceIfirstlaideyesonyou,I'vewantedtomakelovetoyouintheworstway.
Shesaid...Well,yousucceeded.
Priest...Idon'tthinkyouwilleverfindanothermanlikeyourlatehusband.
Shesaid...Who'sgonnalook?
Hesaid...Youhaveaflatchestandneedtoshaveyourlegs,haveyoueverbeenmistakenforaman?
Shesaid...No,haveyou?
Hesaid...Whydoyouwomenalwaystrytoimpressuswithyourlooks,notwithyourbrains?
Shesaid...Becausethereisabiggerchancethatamanisamoronthanheisblind.
Hesaid...Let'sgooutandhavesomefuntonight.
Shesaid...Okay,butifyougethomebeforeIdo,leavethehallwaylighton.
Hesaid...Whydon'tyoutellmewhenyouhaveanorgasm?
Shesaid...Iwould,butyou'reneverthere.
Hesaid...Shallwetryswappingpositionstonight?
Shesaid...That'sagoodidea...Youstandbytheironingboard,whileIsitonthesofaandfart.
4、AirlineHumor
Peopleintheairlineindustryaren'tallserious...
1.OnaContinentalFlightwithavery"senior"flightattendantcrew,thepilotsaid,"Ladiesandgentlemen,we'vereachedcruisingaltitudeAndwillbeturningdownthecabinlights.Thisisforyourcomfortandtoenhancetheappearanceofyourflightattendants."
2.HeardonaSouthwestAirlineflight."Ladiesandgentlemen,ifyouwishtosmoke,thesmokingsectiononthisairplaneisonthewingandifYoucanlight'em,youcansmoke'em."
3.Onlanding,thestewardesssaid,"Pleasebesuretotakeallofyourbelongings.Ifyou'regoingtoleaveanything,pleasemakesureit'ssomethingwe'dliketohave."
4."Theremaybe50waystoleaveyourlover,butthereareonly4waysoutofthisairplane"
5."ThankyouforflyingDeltaBusinessExpress.Wehopeyouenjoyedgivingusthebusinessasmuchasweenjoyedtakingyouforaride."
6.AstheplanelandedandwascomingtoastopatRonaldReagan,alonevoicecameovertheloudspeaker:
"Whoa,bigfella.WHOA!
"
7.AfteraparticularlyroughlandingduringthunderstormsinMemphis,aflightattendantonaNorthwestflightannounced,"Pleasetakecarewhenopeningtheoverheadcompartmentsbecause,afteralandinglikethat,sureashelleverythinghasshifted."
8.FromaSouthwestAirlinesemployee:
"WelcomeaboardSouthwestflight245toTampa.Tooperateyourseatbelt,insertthemetaltabintothebuckle,andpulltight.Itworksjustlikeeveryotherseatbelt;and,ifyoudon'tknowhowtooperateone,youprobablyshouldn'tbeoutinpublicunsupervised."
9."Intheeventofasuddenlossofcabinpressure,maskswilldescendfromtheceiling.Stopscreaming,grabthemask,andpullitoveryourface.Ifyouhaveasmallchildtravelingwithyou,secureyourmaskbeforeassistingwiththeirs.Ifyouaretravelingwithmorethanonesmallchild,pickyourfavorite."
10.Weatheratourdestinationis50degreeswithsomebrokenclouds,butwe'lltrytohavethemfixedbeforewearrive.Thankyou,andremember,nobodylovesyou,oryourmoney,morethanSouthwestAirlines."
11."Yourseatcushionscanbeusedforflotation;and,intheeventofanemergencywaterlanding,pleasepaddletoshoreandtakethemwithourcompliments."
12."Asyouexittheplane,makesuretogatherallofyourbelongings.Anythingleftbehindwillbedistributedevenlyamongtheflightattendants.Pleasedonotleavechildrenorspouses."
13.Andfromthepilotduringhiswelcomemessage:
"DeltaAirlinesispleasedtohavesomeofthebestflightattendantsintheindustry.Unfortunately,noneofthemareonthisflight!
"
14.HeardonSouthwestAirlinesjustafteraveryhardlandinginSaltLakeCity:
Theflightattendantcameontheintercomandsaid,"ThatwasQuiteabump,andIknowwhaty'allarethinking.I'mheretotellyouitwasn'ttheairline'sfault,itwasn'tthepilot'sfault,itwasn'ttheflightattendant'sfault,itwastheasphalt."
15.OverheardonanAmericanAirlinesflightintoAmarillo,Texas,onaparticularlywindyandbumpyday:
Duringthefinalapproach,theCaptainwasreallyhavingtofightit.Afteranextremelyhardlanding,theflightattendantsaid,"LadiesandGentlemen,welcometoAmarillo.PleaseremaininyourseatswithyourseatbeltsfastenedwhiletheCaptaintaxiswhat'sleftofourairplanetothegate!
"
16.Anotherflightattendant'scommentonalessthanperfectlanding:
"WeaskyoutopleaseremainseatedasCaptainKangaroobouncesustotheterminal."
17.Anairlinepilotwrotethatonthisparticularflighthehadhammeredhisshipintotherunwayreallyhard.Theairlinehadapolicywhichrequiredthefirstofficertostandatthedoorwhile