英语幽默A1.docx

英语幽默A1.docx

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英语幽默A1

1、HisAndHerDiary

Justgoestoshowhowdifferentlymenandwomenlookatthings...

HERDIARY：

SaturdaynightIthoughthewasactingweird.Wehadmadeplanstomeetatabartohaveadrink.Iwasshoppingwithmyfriendsalldaylong,soIthoughthewasupsetatthefactthatIwasabitlate,buthemadenocomment.Conversationwasn'tflowingsoIsuggestedthatwegosomewherequietsowecouldtalk.Heagreedbuthekeptquietandabsent.Iaskedhimwhatwaswronghesaidnothing.Iaskedhimifitwasmyfaultthathewasupset.Hesaidithadnothingtodowithmeandnottoworry.OnthewayhomeItoldhimthatIlovedhim,hesimplysmiledandkeptdriving.Ican'texplainhisbehaviour;Idon'tknowwhyhedidn'tsayIloveyoutoo.WhenwegothomeIfeltasifhadlosthim,asifhewantednothingtodowithmeanymore.HejustsatthereandwatchedTVHeseemeddistant

andabsent.FinallyIdecidedtogotobed.About10minuteslaterhecametobedandtomysurpriseherespondedtomycaressandwemadelove,butIstillfeltthathewasdistractedandhisthoughtswheresomewhereelse.IdecidedthatIcouldnottakeitanymoresoIdecidedtoconfronthimwiththesituationbuthehadfallenasleep.IstartedcryingandcrieduntilItoofellasleep.Idon'tknowwhattodo.I'malmostsurethathisthoughtsarewithsomeoneelse.Mylifeisadisaster.

HISDIARY

TodaytheLeafslost.AtleastIgotlaid.

2、MarriageIs...

Abestman'sspeechshouldbelikeamini-skirt:

shortenoughtobeinteresting,butlongenoughtocoverthebareessentials.

Aclassifiedadwhichread"WifeWanted"receivedhundredsofresponses,allfrommensaying"Youcanhavemine."

Agentlemanisonewhoneverswearsathiswifewhileladiesarepresent.

Ahusbandexpectshiswifetobeperfect...andtounderstandwhyhe'snot.

Ahusbandislivingproofthatawifecantakeajoke.

Ahusbandsaidtohiswife,"No,Idon'thateyourrelatives.Infact,Ilike

yourmother-in-lawbetterthanIlikemine."

Amanneedsamistress,justtobreakthemonogamy.

Aperfectwifeisonewhohelpsthehusbandwiththedishes.

Asonaskedhisfather,"Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?

"Fatherreplied,"Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpayingforit."

Asuccessfulmanisonewhomakesmoremoneythanhiswifecanspend.Asuccessfulwomanisonewhocanfindsuchaman.

Atoasttothenewlyweds:

Mayyouronlyupsanddownsbebetweenthesheets.

Aweddingringislikeatourniquet;itcutsoffyourcirculation.

Awomanwastellingherfriend,"ItisIwhomademyhusbandamillionaire."Thefriendasked,"Andwhatwashebeforeyoumarriedhim?

"Thewomanreplied,"Amulti-millionaire."

Afteraquarrel,awifesaidtoherhusband,"Youknow,IwasafoolwhenImarriedyou."Thehusbandreplied,"Yes,dear,butIwasinloveanddidn'tnotice."

Beforewegotmarried,Icaughtherinmyarms.NowIcatchherinmypockets.

Confuciussaymanwhosinkintowoman'sarmssoonhavearmsinwoman'ssink.

EightypercentofmarriedmencheatinAmerica.TherestcheatinEurope.

Honeymoon:

Ashortperiodofdotingbetweendatinganddebting.

Ihadsomewordswithmywifeandshehadsomeparagraphswithme.

ImarriedMissRight.Ijustdidn'tknowherfirstnamewasAlways.

IneverknewwhatrealhappinesswasuntilIgotmarried...andthenitwastoolate.

Irecentlyreadthatloveisentirelyamatterofchemistry.Thatmustbewhymywifetreatsmeliketoxicwaste.

Iwasmarriedbyajudge.Ishouldhaveaskedforajury.

I'manexcellenthousekeeper.EverytimeIgetadivorce,Ikeepthehouse.

Ifyouwantyourspousetolistenandpayfullattentiontowhatyouhavetosay,talkinyoursleep.

It'sagive-and-takemarriage.Hegivesandshetakes.

Marriageisagreatinstitution;butwhowantstoliveinaninstitution?

MarriageisaninstitutioninwhichthemanloseshisBachelor'sdegreeandthewomangetsherMaster's.

Marriageistheonlysportinwhichthetrappedanimalhastobuythelicense.

Marriageiswhenamanandwomanbecomeasone;thetroublestartswhentheytrytodecidewhichone.

Mywiferanoffwithmybestfriendlastweek.Gosh,Imisshim!

Sheofferedherhonor,hehonoredheroffer,andallnighthewasonherandoffher.

Thethreestagesofsexinmarriage:

tri-weekly;try-weekly;try-weakly

Theysaythatwhenamanholdsawoman'shandbeforemarriage,itislove;aftermarriageitisself-defense.

Whenamanopensthedoorofhiscarforhiswife,youcanbesureofonething:

eitherthecarisneworthewife.

3、HeSaid,SheSaid

Wheneveramanhassomethingtosay,youcanbesureawomanalwayshastohavehersayintheend...

Hesaid...Idon'tknowwhyyouwearabra;you'vegotnothingtoputinit.

Shesaid...Youwearbriefs,don'tyou?

Hesaid...Doyoulovemejustbecausemyfatherleftmeafortune?

Shesaid...Notatallhoney,Iwouldloveyounomatterwholeftyouthemoney.

Hesaid...Thiscoffeeisn'tfitforapig!

Shesaid...Noproblem,I'llgetyousomethatis.

Shesaid...Whatdoyoumeanbycominghomehalfdrunk?

Hesaid...It'snotmyfault...Iranoutofmoney.

Hesaid...SinceIfirstlaideyesonyou,I'vewantedtomakelovetoyouintheworstway.

Shesaid...Well,yousucceeded.

Priest...Idon'tthinkyouwilleverfindanothermanlikeyourlatehusband.

Shesaid...Who'sgonnalook?

Hesaid...Youhaveaflatchestandneedtoshaveyourlegs,haveyoueverbeenmistakenforaman?

Shesaid...No,haveyou?

Hesaid...Whydoyouwomenalwaystrytoimpressuswithyourlooks,notwithyourbrains?

Shesaid...Becausethereisabiggerchancethatamanisamoronthanheisblind.

Hesaid...Let'sgooutandhavesomefuntonight.

Shesaid...Okay,butifyougethomebeforeIdo,leavethehallwaylighton.

Hesaid...Whydon'tyoutellmewhenyouhaveanorgasm?

Shesaid...Iwould,butyou'reneverthere.

Hesaid...Shallwetryswappingpositionstonight?

Shesaid...That'sagoodidea...Youstandbytheironingboard,whileIsitonthesofaandfart.

4、AirlineHumor

Peopleintheairlineindustryaren'tallserious...

1.OnaContinentalFlightwithavery"senior"flightattendantcrew,thepilotsaid,"Ladiesandgentlemen,we'vereachedcruisingaltitudeAndwillbeturningdownthecabinlights.Thisisforyourcomfortandtoenhancetheappearanceofyourflightattendants."

2.HeardonaSouthwestAirlineflight."Ladiesandgentlemen,ifyouwishtosmoke,thesmokingsectiononthisairplaneisonthewingandifYoucanlight'em,youcansmoke'em."

3.Onlanding,thestewardesssaid,"Pleasebesuretotakeallofyourbelongings.Ifyou'regoingtoleaveanything,pleasemakesureit'ssomethingwe'dliketohave."

4."Theremaybe50waystoleaveyourlover,butthereareonly4waysoutofthisairplane"

5."ThankyouforflyingDeltaBusinessExpress.Wehopeyouenjoyedgivingusthebusinessasmuchasweenjoyedtakingyouforaride."

6.AstheplanelandedandwascomingtoastopatRonaldReagan,alonevoicecameovertheloudspeaker:

"Whoa,bigfella.WHOA!

"

7.AfteraparticularlyroughlandingduringthunderstormsinMemphis,aflightattendantonaNorthwestflightannounced,"Pleasetakecarewhenopeningtheoverheadcompartmentsbecause,afteralandinglikethat,sureashelleverythinghasshifted."

8.FromaSouthwestAirlinesemployee:

"WelcomeaboardSouthwestflight245toTampa.Tooperateyourseatbelt,insertthemetaltabintothebuckle,andpulltight.Itworksjustlikeeveryotherseatbelt;and,ifyoudon'tknowhowtooperateone,youprobablyshouldn'tbeoutinpublicunsupervised."

9."Intheeventofasuddenlossofcabinpressure,maskswilldescendfromtheceiling.Stopscreaming,grabthemask,andpullitoveryourface.Ifyouhaveasmallchildtravelingwithyou,secureyourmaskbeforeassistingwiththeirs.Ifyouaretravelingwithmorethanonesmallchild,pickyourfavorite."

10.Weatheratourdestinationis50degreeswithsomebrokenclouds,butwe'lltrytohavethemfixedbeforewearrive.Thankyou,andremember,nobodylovesyou,oryourmoney,morethanSouthwestAirlines."

11."Yourseatcushionscanbeusedforflotation;and,intheeventofanemergencywaterlanding,pleasepaddletoshoreandtakethemwithourcompliments."

12."Asyouexittheplane,makesuretogatherallofyourbelongings.Anythingleftbehindwillbedistributedevenlyamongtheflightattendants.Pleasedonotleavechildrenorspouses."

13.Andfromthepilotduringhiswelcomemessage:

"DeltaAirlinesispleasedtohavesomeofthebestflightattendantsintheindustry.Unfortunately,noneofthemareonthisflight!

"

14.HeardonSouthwestAirlinesjustafteraveryhardlandinginSaltLakeCity:

Theflightattendantcameontheintercomandsaid,"ThatwasQuiteabump,andIknowwhaty'allarethinking.I'mheretotellyouitwasn'ttheairline'sfault,itwasn'tthepilot'sfault,itwasn'ttheflightattendant'sfault,itwastheasphalt."

15.OverheardonanAmericanAirlinesflightintoAmarillo,Texas,onaparticularlywindyandbumpyday:

Duringthefinalapproach,theCaptainwasreallyhavingtofightit.Afteranextremelyhardlanding,theflightattendantsaid,"LadiesandGentlemen,welcometoAmarillo.PleaseremaininyourseatswithyourseatbeltsfastenedwhiletheCaptaintaxiswhat'sleftofourairplanetothegate!

"

16.Anotherflightattendant'scommentonalessthanperfectlanding:

"WeaskyoutopleaseremainseatedasCaptainKangaroobouncesustotheterminal."

17.Anairlinepilotwrotethatonthisparticularflighthehadhammeredhisshipintotherunwayreallyhard.Theairlinehadapolicywhichrequiredthefirstofficertostandatthedoorwhile