英语幽默A1.docx

1、英语幽默A11、His And Her DiaryJust goes to show how differently men and women look at things.HER DIARY：Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late

2、, but he made no comment. Conversation wasnt flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry

3、. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I cant explain his behaviour; I dont know why he didnt say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distantan

4、d absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with t

5、he situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I dont know what to do. Im almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.HIS DIARYToday the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.2、Marriage Is.A best mans speech should be like a mini-s

6、kirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.A classified ad which read Wife Wanted received hundreds of responses, all from men saying You can have mine.A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband expects his wife to be pe

7、rfect. and to understand why hes not.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband said to his wife, No, I dont hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.A perfect wife is one who helps the hus

8、band with the dishes.A son asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I dont know son. Im still paying for it.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.A toast to the newlyweds: May your

9、 only ups and downs be between the sheets.A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.A woman was telling her friend, It is I who made my husband a millionaire. The friend asked, And what was he before you married him? The woman replied, A multi-millionaire.After a quarrel, a w

10、ife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.Confucius say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.Eighty percen

11、t of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.I never knew what real happiness was until I

12、got married. and then it was too late.I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.If you want your s

13、pouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.Its a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelors degree and the woman gets h

14、er Masters.Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!She offered her honor, he honored her offer, a

15、nd all night he was on her and off her.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weaklyThey say that when a man holds a womans hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: e

16、ither the car is new or the wife.3、He Said, She SaidWhenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end.He said. I dont know why you wear a bra; youve got nothing to put in it.She said. You wear briefs, dont you?He said. Do you love me just because my f

17、ather left me a fortune?She said. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.He said. This coffee isnt fit for a pig!She said. No problem, Ill get you some that is.She said. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?He said. Its not my fault.I ran out of money.He said. Sinc

18、e I first laid eyes on you, Ive wanted to make love to you in the worst way.She said. Well, you succeeded.Priest. I dont think you will ever find another man like your late husband.She said. Whos gonna look?He said. You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a

19、 man?She said. No, have you?He said. Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?She said. Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.He said. Lets go out and have some fun tonight.She said. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave

20、 the hallway light on.He said. Why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said. I would, but youre never there.He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said. Thats a good idea. You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.4、Airline HumorPeople in the airline ind

21、ustry arent all serious.1. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, weve reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.2. Heard on a

22、Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light em, you can smoke em.3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If youre going to leave anything, please make sure it

23、s something wed like to have.4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.6. As the plane landed and was coming to a st

24、op at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sur

25、e as hell everything has shifted.8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shou

26、ldnt be out in public unsupervised.9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling wit

27、h more than one small child, pick your favorite.10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but well try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotat

28、ion; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

29、13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the i

30、ntercom and said, That was Quite a bump, and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt.15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy

31、and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to

32、the gate!16. Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while