EQ FOR EVERYBODY.docx

EQ FOR EVERYBODY.docx

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EQFOREVERYBODY

EQFOREVERYBODY

APracticalGuidetotheDevelopingandUsingOne’sEmotionalIntelligence

SteveHein

ThisThirdEditionisacondensedversionofthematerialpresentedonwww.Core.EQI.org/

Copyright2003,2012SteveHein

Emailinfofoundon:

http:

//www.eqi.org/contact.htm

INTRODUCTION

AFewofMyUnderlyingBeliefs

Ibelievewewouldallbehappierandhealthier,andincreaseourchancesofsurvivalasaspeciesifwefollowedonesimpleprinciple:

Mutualrespectforeachother'sfeelings.

Togettothispoint,though,wefirstneedtwothings.Weneedto:

1.Knowhowwefeel.

2.Communicatehowwefeel.

Oncewehavemasteredthefirsttwosteps,wecanbeginworkonthelifelongchallengeofrespectingeachother'softenconflictingfeelingsandneeds.Successrequiresahealthydevelopmentofouremotionalintelligence.

Ialsobelievethingsworkbetterwhenpeopleactvoluntarilyratherthanoutofforce,coercion,briberyorfear.

Ibelieveouremotionsprovideuswiththemeanstoknowourselvesandthatthisself-knowledgeisthekeytoourhappiness.

Ibelievechildrenstartoutbasicallyhappy,empatheticand"good"andthatmostunhappinessinchildrenandadultsisadirectresultofunmetneeds.Further,Ibelievethatindevelopedcountriesmostoftheseunmetneedsareunmetemotionalneeds,notunmetphysicalneeds.

TheImportanceofEmotionalIntelligence

IhavelivedmostofmylifeintheUnitedStates,soitiswithregretthatIsaythattheUSAisaworldleaderintheamountofunhealthy,socially-andself-destructivebehaviorsuchasdrugabuse,violenceandmurder.Thisisnotbecauseofalackofopportunity,wealthorcognitiveintelligence.Instead,Ibelieveitisduetoacombinationofunmetemotionalneedsandabnormallydevelopedemotionalintelligence.Ibelievethiscombinationisalsoaleadingcauseofadolescentdepression,self-harmandsuicide.ItismyhopethattheideasinthisbookletwillonedayhelptoreversetheunhealthytrendsseenintheUSAandmanyothercountriesaroundtheworld.

Thebookletisorganizedintoalphabetically-arrangedsections.Asaguide,IsuggestyoubeginwithreadingthesectionstitledDefinitionsofEmotionalIntelligence,Awareness,Empathy,ValidationandEmotionalLiteracy.NextIwouldsuggestRespectandInvalidation.

Thankyouforyourinterestinmywork.SteveHein

2012NotefromSteve–Thisisaslightlyrevisededitionofthe2003booklet.Idecidedtodistributeitfreelytohelpmyideasspreadtotheplacestheyareneededintheworld.Youmaycopy,translateandsharethisfreely.

ANGER

Theultimatetestofouremotionalintelligencemaybeinthewaywehandleanger.Doweuseitinproductiveorcounter-productiveways?

Doesourangerlengthenorshortenourlives?

Herearesomeofmythoughts.

OverviewofAnger

Thereareseveralimportantthingstorememberwhenspeakingofanger:

1.Itisapowerfulsurvivaltool

2.Itisasourceofenergy

3.Itisasecondaryemotion

4.Inangermodethebraindownshifts

5.Prolongedangerisveryunhealthy

6.Repressedangerisalsoveryunhealthy

Naturehasdevelopedtheemotionalstatewecall“anger”tohelpusstayalive.Angersendssignalstoallpartsofourbodytohelpusfightorflee.Itenergizesustoprepareusforaction.Millionsofyearsago,ourthreatscamemostlyintheformofattacksbywildanimalswhowantedtoeatus.Nowwemoreoftenfeelpsychologicallyattacked.（Thoughthisevolutionarytrendisreversinginthosecountrieswherethereisanincreaseinviolenceandtheuseofhandguns.）

Whenwefeelenergizedbyanger,itissmarttoaskourselveshowweputthisenergytothemostproductiveuse.Aswiththeuseofotherformsofenergysuchaselectricityoroil,wewanttouseitefficiently,notwastefully.

Primaryvs.SecondaryFeelings

Perhapsthemosthelpfulthingtorememberaboutangeristhatitisasecondaryemotion.Aprimaryfeelingiswhatisfeltimmediatelybeforewefeelangry.Wealwaysfeelsomethingelsefirst.Onemightfirstfeelafraid,attacked,offended,disrespected,forced,controlled,trapped,interrogated,orpressured.Ifanyofthesefeelingsareintenseenough,wethinkoftheemotionasanger.

Acriticalpointtorememberaboutsecondaryfeelingsisthattheydonotidentifytheunmetemotionalneed（UEN）.WhenallIcansayis“Ifeelangry”,neitherInoranyoneelseknowswhatwouldhelpmefeelbetter.Anamazinglysimple,buteffectivetechnique,then,istoalwaysidentifytheprimaryemotion.

Hereisanexample.Assumesomeonewantsustodosomethingweprefernottodo.Atfirstwefeelalittlepressuredbutnotenoughtogetangry.Whentheykeeppushingus,webegintogetirritated.Iftheycontinue,weget“angry.”

Aneffectivewaytoavoidgettingangryinmanycasesissimplytoexpressyourinitialfeeling,beforeithasbeenelevatedtothepointofanger.Thishelpskeepthebraininbalanceandoutofthemorevolatilemodewhereithasdownshiftedtoamoreprimitiveandphysiologicalresponse.

AngerasaResponsetoFear

Oneoftheprimitivefunctionsofananimal’sresponsetofearistofrightenawaytheattacker.Butinmodernhumanlife,weoftenfrightenawaythosewhoweneedandcareaboutmost.Besidesthis,prolongedangerhasclearhealthconsequences.AccordingtoDr.HerbertBenson,theseincludeheartattacks,hardeningofthearteries,strokes,hypertension,highbloodpressure,heartratechangesandmetabolism,muscleandrespiratoryproblems.（TheRelaxationResponse,1975）

RespondingToandLearningFromAnger

Angerisanintenseemotion.Itisevidencethatwefeelstronglyaboutsomething.Aswitheveryemotion,ithasalessonforus.Itcanteachuswhatwevalue,whatweneed,whatwelack,whatwebelieveandwhatourinsecuritiesare.Itcanhelpus

becomemoreawareofwhatwefeelstronglyaboutandwhichemotionalneedsareimportanttous.Onewaytolearnfromangerisshownintheexamplebelow:

Insteadofsaying,

Shenevershouldhavedonethat.Ican'tbelievehowirresponsible,insensitiveandinconsideratesheis.Whatacold-hearted,evilwitchsheis.

amoreproductiveresponseis:

Wow,Iamreallyupsetbythis.Whydoesitbothermesomuch?

WhatspecificallyamIfeeling?

Whataremyprimaryfeelings?

WhatneeddoIhavethatisnotbeingmet?

Whatprinciplesofminehavebeenviolated?

Fromtheanswerstothesequestions,wecandecidewhatcourseofactiontotakeinviewofwhatourgoalsare.Simplybeingawarethatwehavemultipleoptionsandthatwecandecidetopickthebestonehelpssoothetheanger.Itmayhelp,forinstance,toaskifwereallywanttofrightenawaythepersonweareangryat.Assoonaswe“upshift”totheupperpartofourbrain,（seesectiononthebrain）andbegintothinkaboutouroptionsandtheirconsequences,andmakeappropriateplans,westarttofeelmoreincontrolandlessthreatened.Wegetoutoftheautomaticstimulus-responsemodeandrealizethatwehavechoices.

Rememberthatthereisaspacebetweenstimulusandresponse,andinthisspaceliesourpowertochoosetheoptionwhichisinourlong-termbestinterests.1

Simplyrememberingthatwehaveachoicehelpsusfeelmoreincontrol.Notsurprisingly,studiesshowthatpeoplefeelbetterandarehealthierwhentheyhaveasenseofcontrolovertheirlives.Thisiswherethebalancebetweenupperbrainandlowerbraincomesin.HighEQsuggeststhatwechannelourangerinproductivewaystohelpusachieveourgoalsratherthantosabotagethem.Keepingourgoalsclearlyinmindatalltimeshelpsusaccomplishthis.

Herearesomesuggestionsforrespondingtoyouranger:

1.Askwhatyouareafraidof.

2.Askwhatfeelingsprecededtheanger.

3.Askwhatotherfeelingsyouarefeeling.

4.Askwhatyouaretryingtocontrol.

5.Askwhatyoucancontrol.

6.Consideryouroptions.

7.Choosetheonewhichwillbringyouthemostlongtermhappiness.

Finally,hereisatechniqueIsometimesusetohelpmecopewith“anger”（ifIhaven’talready“downshifted”toapurelyreactiveanimalinstinctstate）.WhenIcatchmyselfstartingtosay“Ifeelangry”or“Iamstartingtogetreallypissedoff”,Itrytoremembertosayinstead,“Ifeelreallyenergized”.ThenIaskmyselfhowIwanttochannelmyenergytoitsbestuse.Itisasimplelittletechnique,butitmakesabigdifferenceinhowIfeelandhowIrespond,whenIcanremembertodoit!

1

BorrowedfromStephenCoveywhoborroweditfromsomeoneelse!

AWARENESS

Withoutawarenessofourfeelingsandwhatcausesthem,itwillbedifficultforustoleadahappylife.Andweneedawarenessofourownfeelingstohelpusfeelempathy.Herearethreeaspectsofawareness:

acknowledgment,acceptanceandidentification.

AcknowledgingFeelings

Indefiningemotionalintelligence,JohnMayerandPeterSaloveysayouremotions“directourattentiontoimportantinformationinourenvironment.”Theysendussignalsthroughthemindandthroughthebody.Ifwedonotacknowledgethem,theyrelentlesslycontinuetopursueourattention.Nature’spurposefornegativeemotionsistocallourattentiontothecausesofournegativefeelingssowemaytakecorrectiveaction.Ourfeelingsaresomethingliketheinnervoicesthatspeaktous.Tomakehealthyandwisechoices,weneedtofindahealthybalancebetweenlisteningtoourfeelingsandlisteningtoourintellect.

IdentifyingSpecificFeelings

Parti