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friends11对白
六人行1-01TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)
[Scene:
CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]
Monica:
There'snothingtotell!
He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!
Joey:
C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!
There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!
Chandler:
AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?
Ahumpandahairpiece?
Phoebe:
Wait,doesheeatchalk?
(Theyallstare,bemused.)
Phoebe:
Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!
Monica:
Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.
Chandler:
Soundslikeadatetome.
[TimeLapse]
Chandler:
Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.
All:
Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.
Chandler:
ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.
Joey:
Insteadof...?
Chandler:
That'sright.
Joey:
Neverhadthatdream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.
Monica:
Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?
!
Chandler:
Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!
[TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]
Ross:
(mortified)Hi.
Joey:
Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.
Monica:
Areyouokay,sweetie?
Ross:
Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...
Chandler:
Cookie?
Monica:
(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Oh!
(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)
Ross:
No,nodon't!
Stopcleansingmyaura!
No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?
Phoebe:
Fine!
Bemurky!
Ross:
I'llbefine,alright?
Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.
Monica:
Noyoudon't.
Ross:
NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!
Joey:
Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...
Ross:
No!
!
Okay?
!
Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?
Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?
Chandler:
SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?
Ross:
Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.
Monica:
Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:
00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?
Awrongnumber?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?
(Rossgestureshisconsent.)
Joey:
Stripjoint!
C'mon,you'resingle!
Havesomehormones!
Ross:
Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?
Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!
(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)
Chandler:
AndIjustwantamilliondollars!
(Heextendshishandhopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?
!
Rachel:
OhGodMonicahi!
ThankGod!
Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!
Waitress:
CanIgetyousomecoffee?
Monica:
(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?
Rachel:
Hi,sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens.Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)
Monica:
Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?
Rachel:
OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?
-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!
AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:
howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?
'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.
Monica:
Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:
Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]
Monica:
NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.
Chandler:
(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?
Decide!
Ross:
(inadeepvoice)I'llhavewhateverChristineishaving.
Rachel:
(onphone)Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!
I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!
(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)
Phoebe:
IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.
Chandler:
(reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.
Joey:
Isaypushherdownthestairs.
Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:
Pushherdownthestairs!
Pushherdownthestairs!
Pushherdownthestairs!
(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)
Rachel:
C'monDaddy,listentome!
It'slike,it'slike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!
You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!
'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?
WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?
Ora-orahat!
No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!
Ross:
Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.
Rachel:
LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.
Monica:
Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...
Rachel:
Well,maybethat'smydecision.Well,maybeIdon'tneedyourmoney.Wait!
!
Wait,Isaidmaybe!
!
[TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.]
Monica:
Justbreathe,breathe..that'sit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings...
Phoebe:
(sings)Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,(RachelandMonicaturntolookather.)bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens...Lalalala...somethingandnoodleswithstring.Theseareafew...
Rachel:
I'mallbetternow.
Phoebe:
(grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.)Ihelped!
Monica:
Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,y'know?
Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife.Thewhole,'hat'thing.
Joey:
(comfortingher)Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhe'sawayalot.
Monica:
Joey,stophittingonher!
It'sherweddingday!
Joey:
What,likethere'saruleorsomething?
(ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.)
Chandler:
Pleasedon'tdothatagain,it'sahorriblesound.
Paul:
(overtheintercom)It's,uh,it'sPaul.
Monica:
OhGod,isit6:
30?
Buzzhimin!
Joey:
Who'sPaul?
Ross:
PaultheWineGuy,Paul?
Monica:
Maybe.Joey:
Wait.Your'notarealdate'tonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?
Ross:
Hefinallyaskedyouout?
Monica:
Yes!
Chandler:
Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.
Monica:
Rach,wait,Icancancel...
Rachel:
Please,no,go,that'dbefine!
Monica:
(toRoss)Are,areyouokay?
Imean,doyouwantmetostay?
Ross:
(chokedvoice)That'dbegood...
Monica:
(horrified)Really?
Ross:
(normalvoice)No,goon!
It'sPaultheWineGuy!
Phoebe:
Whatdoesthatmean?
Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot?
(Chandlerdoesn'tknow.)
(There'saknockonthedoorandit'sPaul.)
Monica:
Hi,comein!
Paul,thisis..(Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.)...everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.
All:
Hey!
Paul!
Hi!
TheWineGuy!
Hey!
Chandler:
I'msorry,Ididn'tcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?
Monica:
Okay,umm-umm,I'lljust--I'llberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah...
Ross:
Awandering?
Monica:
Change!
Okay,sitdown.(ShowsPaulin)Twoseconds.
Phoebe:
Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcan'tbegood.
(Monicagoestochange.)
Joey:
Hey,Paul!
Paul:
Yeah?
Joey:
Here'salittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandoverandoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.
Monica:
(yellingfromthebedroom)Shutup,Joey!
Ross:
SoRachel,what'reyou,uh...what'reyouuptotonight?
Rachel:
Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!
Ross:
Right,you'renotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God..No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear...talkaboutyour-(thinks)-biglizards...Anyway,ifyoudon'tfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.
Chandler:
(deadpan)Yes,andwe'reveryexcitedaboutit.
Rachel:
Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkI'mjustgonnahangoutheretonight.It'sbeenkindaalongday.
Ross:
Okay,sure.
Joey:
HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?
Phoebe:
Oh,IwishIcould,butIdon'twantto.
CommercialBreak
[Scene:
TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.]
Phoebe:
(singing)Loveissweetassummershowers,loveisawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove...islikeagiantpigeon...crappingonmyheart.La-la-la-la-la-(someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy)Thankyou.(sings)La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene:
Ross'sApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.]
Ross:
(squattingandreadingtheinstructions)I'msupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewormguys.Ihaveno