South Park608.docx

South Park608.docx

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SouthPark608

SouthPark

6X08-Red-HotCatholicLove

[SouthParkCatholicChurch,day.Organmusicplays.Inside,PriestMaxiisatthepulpitspeakingtothecongregation]

PriestMaxi:

Parents,it'sthattimeofyearagainwhenthebishopsandpriestsfromaroundthecountryareorganizingtheYoungMen'sCatholicRetreat.Thisyear,we'retakingtheboysonaweekendboattriptodiscussJesus'sroleastheNavigatorofourlives.

Stan:

Thatsoundsprettyfun.

Randy:

[pondering]ACatholicboattrip?

[raiseshislefteyebrowandbeginstodaydream.Hefirstseesashipanddiscomusicstartstoplay.Whatheimaginesis"TheCatholicBoat,"atelevisionprogramaboutcruisesonaluxurycruiseship.]

Singer:

TheCatholicBoat'sgonnabeheadin'onouttoday.

TheCatholicBoat.Timetothrowallofyourcaresaway.

GetsomehotChrisitanaction;it'llmakeyou-

[Asthesongissung,theshow'slogoappears:

"TheCatholicBoat."Apinkanchorrisesandushersinthenextscene:

AhappyFatherMichaelsstrokinghischin.Asecondanchor,andYoungBoy#1（Butters）isshown.AthirdanchorandFatherWilliamsappears.Hepullshisshirtuptoexposehischest.Thefourthanchor,andYoungBoy#2（Tweek）isshown.Thefifthanchor,andthreepriests,FathersAbraham,Duncan,andOrtiz,areshownpartying.FatherAbrahamfallsoverlaughing.FatherDuncangrabsFatherOrtizbehindtheheadandpushestheheaddown...Thesixthanchor,andYoungBoy#3（Stan）isshown.Apriest'sarmappears,runningtheindexfingeralloverStan'sface...]

Randy:

[snappingoutofit]Waaah!

Waaah!

[stops.Everyoneinchurchlooksathim,includingPriestMaxi]Uyah[coughsafewtimesandclearshisthroat]ahem.'Scuseme.

[SouthParkCatholicChurch,day.Massendsandthecongregantsgototheircars.AcrowdgathersaroundRandy.TheMcCormicksarepresent.]

Randy:

Look,Ijustdon'tthinkit'sthebestideatoletourboystogoonac-cruisewiththepriests.

Richard:

Wecanletthemgo,canwe?

LindaStotch:

There'snowaymyson'sgoing.

[AblackSUV,nearby.Stan,CartmanandTweekareinthebackseat.Cartmanlooksouttheclosedwindow.]

Stan:

Whataretheytalkingabout?

Cartman:

Idon'tknow.

Tweek:

Maybetheywannakillus.

[backtothecrowd]

Randy:

Witheverythingthat'sbeeninthenews,Ithinkit'sbesttokeepourkids...farawayfromthepriests.

Stuart:

[dressedinfur-lineddenim]Now,comeon,everybody,justbecauseafewpriestsinthecountryhavebeencorrupteddoesn'tmeanthatallpriestsarechildmolesters.

Richard:

Well,sure,that'seasyforyoutosay;yourson'sdead.ButthoseofuswithalivechildrenneedtobesurethatFatherMaxi'sontheup-and-up.

Sharon:

I'veheardaboutothertownsbringingincounselorsthatknowhowtofindthingsoutfromkidswithoutreallytellingthemwhat'sgoingon.

Randy:

Itcouldn'thurt.

Richard:

Uh,Sh-sh.Herehecomes,herehecomes.[allfallsilent,thenstartwhistlingasFatherMaxipassesby.]

PriestMaxi:

[stopstolisten]Uh...Good-bye,everyone.

All:

[notallatonce]Good-bye,Father.[resumewhistlingasFatherMaxiwalksoff]

Chris:

Alright,then,it'ssettled.Tomorrowwe'llfindanoutsidecounselorand...findoutthetruth.

[ParkCountyCommunityCenter,nextday.Theboysarechatteringwhenawomancomesinandstandsbeforethem.]

Counselor:

Hiboys.MynameisMs.GoracheandIneedtoaskyouafewquestionsaboutyourpriest,okaaay?

Boys:

Okay.

Counselor:

Okay.WouldyousaythatFatherMaxiis...nice?

Ormean?

Boys:

[separately]Nice.

Stan:

Um,cool.

Counselor:

Okaaay,whatwordswouldyouusetodescribeyourpriest?

[longpause]

Butters:

Compassionate.

Counselor:

Okay.AnddidFatherMaxi,atanytime,evertrytoputsomethiginyourbutt?

[longpause]

Cartman:

Ih...inour...butt?

Counselor:

Youdon'tneedtobeashamedorembarassed.Just,didheevertrytoputanythiginyourbutt?

Stan:

...Like...money?

What?

Butters:

Youmean,likeagoldfish?

Counselor:

No,no.Didheevertrytoputanythigthatbelongedtohiminyourbutt?

Boys:

[inunison]No.

[TheCommunityCenter,hallway.Theparentswaitforthecounselortofinishtalkingwiththeboys]

Thomas:

Thisisridiculous,havin'tositoutherewaitin'tofindoutifourpriestmolestedourkids.

Man:

Yeah,whatwhathasCatholicismcometoanyway?

Randy:

[rising.Theothersonhisbenchrisewithhim]Youknow,Ithinkwe'vejusthaditwiththeChurch.Allthehorriblethingsthey'vedonetokids,I...IthinkI'mgonnabecomeanatheist!

Richard:

That'sagoodidea.I'mgonnabeanatheisttoo.

LindaStotch:

Let'sallbeatheists!

All:

Yeah,yeah,alright.

Man:

Iftherewasagod,whywouldheletourkidsbemolestedinthefirstplace?

Chris:

Yeah,let'skillGod,yeah!

Randy:

Welluh,let's,let'sjustbeatheists.

Chris:

[thinksabit,thenlooksatRandy]...Samething.

Randy:

Yeah!

[allclamorandchargeoutofthecenter]

[SouthParkproper,onthecurb.Stan,Cartman,andTweeksitandthinkaboutstuff...]

Stan:

Whatwouldthepriest...possiblywanttoputinourbutts?

[silence.Onlybirdsareheard]

Cartman:

[thinking]Maybe...No.

Kyle:

[stoppingby]Heydudes.

Stan,Cartman:

Hey.

Tweek:

Arr!

Kyle:

Whatareyouguysdoin'?

Stan:

Wehadtogomeetwiththiscounselorlady,andsheaskedusifthepriesteveryputanythinginourbutts.

Kyle:

Inyourbutts?

Cartman:

Yeah,isn'tthatthedamnedestthing?

Kyle:

Whywouldhepuytanythinginyourbutts?

Stan:

Wedon'tknow.We're-that'swhatwe'retryin'tofigureout.

Cartman:

Hm.

Kyle:

[joinsthemonthecurb]Hm.[longpause]

Chef:

[stoppingby]Hellothere,children!

Stan:

Chef!

Whatwouldapriestwanttostickupmybutt?

Chef:

Good-bah!

[leavesquickly]

Tweek:

Rrrh.Nobodyisgoingtotellus.Thisisgoingtodrivemeinsane!

Kyle:

Calmdown,Tweek.Therehastobearationalexplanation.

Cartman:

Aw,dude,IthinkImighthaveit.

Stan:

What?

Cartman:

[getsupandstartspacing]Itmakesperfectsense.Okay,w-workwithmeonthis:

ifyoueatfood,youcrapoutyorubutt,right?

Kyle:

Yeah.

Cartman:

Alright,nowkeepworkingwithmehere,it'sgettingalittlecomplicated.Ifyoueatfoodandcrapoutyorubutt,thenmaybe,ifyoustuckfoodinyourbutt,youcrapoutyourmouth.[longpause]Hm?

Kyle:

Cartman,that'sthedumbestthingyou'veeversaid-thisweek!

Cartman:

What,that'snotdumb.Thinkaboutit:

foodgoesinthemouth,comesoutthebutt.Foodgoesinthebutt,comesoutthemouth.That'snotdumb,that'sgenius.

Kyle:

Itwouldn'twork!

Cartman:

Haveyouevertriedit?

Kyle:

Idon'tneedto.Itwouldn'twork.

Cartman:

Ibetyoutwentybuckit'llwork!

Kyle:

You'reon,fatboy!

Cartman:

Okay,let'sgo,Jew!

[CartmanrushesoffandKylefollow.StanandTweekremainseatedonthecurb.]

Parents:

[passbyinacrowdscreaming]Yeah,yeah!

DownwithGod!

DownwithGod!

Randy:

Stan,you'reanatheistnow!

Richard:

Youtoo,Tweek!

Parents:

[movingon]Yeah,yeah!

DownwithGod!

DownwithGod!

Tweek:

I'mawhat?

?

[Diocesanheadquarters,day.Sixteenpriestsarepresentintheboardroom,withFatherhMaxipresiding]

PriestMaxi:

Fathers,Iwanttothankyouallforcoming.

Priest1:

[African-American]No,thankyouforfinallyorganizinganall-priestsmeeting,FatherMaxi.Ithinkweallagreesomethinghastobedone,quickly.[theotherpriestsconcur]

ElderlyPriest:

Well,Idon'tknowhowit'sbeenforallofyou,butattendanceatmychurchinFortRawlinsisdownsixty-threeprecent!

[poundsonthetableforemphasis]

Priest2:

I'mdownalmostseventyinGreenleaf.

PriestMaxi:

Uh-yes,uh,I'mafraidifthingskeepgoingthewaytheyare,wecouldloseourentirereligion.

ElderlyPriest:

Yes,we'vegottastoptheseboysfromgoin'tothepublic!

FatPriest:

They'vegottaknowtokeeptheirmouthsshut!

Otherpriests:

Thatright,yeah.

PriestMaxi:

Right,andso...wa-waitaminute.What?

Priest1:

Yes,butwe'vegottofindoutwhythesechildrenaresuddenlyfindingitnecessarytoreportthatthey'rebeingmolested.Stoptheproblematitssource.

Priest2:

Yes,buthow?

Priest3:

[amiddiscussion]Somethnghastobedone.

Priest4:

We'vegottostopthis-

PriestMaxi:

[rising]Whoa,whoa,holdonasecond!

Theproblemisthatchildrenarebeingmolested,notthatthey'rereportingit!

[allfallsilent]

ElderlyPriest:

Howdoyoumean?

PriestMaxi:

Well,Imean,obviously,whatweneedtoputastoptoisallthesexualmisconductthatisallowedtotakeplaceinourchurches,andnotjusttellthechildrennottotellanybodyaboutit.Imean,right?

Priest1:

Welldidanyofthechildrenyou'vemolestedcomeforward?

PriestMaxi:

No.

Priest1:

Well,that'sgood.

PriestMaxi:

No,Imean!

I'venevermolestedanyofthechildreninmychurch!

ElderlyPriest:

Hih-it'sokay,FatherMaxi.We'reallpriestshere;thedoorsareclosed.

PriestMaxi:

OhfortheloveofGod!

Areyouallsayingthatyou'veengagedininappropriaterelationswithyouraltarboys?

WeareheretobringthelightofGod,notharmtheinnocent!

[theotherpriestslookathimandlaugh]I'mserious!

Priest2:

Father,uh,havingsexwithboysispartoftheCatholicpriest'swayoflife.

Otherpriests:

Yeah.[theycontinuetotalk,butFatherMaxiisn'tlistening...]

PriestMaxi:

DearGod.ThisproblemismuchmoreseverethanIcouldhavepossiblyimagined.IhavetogototheVaticanandgethelp.

[SouthParkElementarySchool,boys'bathroom,da