范文分析.docx
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范文分析
Issuetest1
"Boththedevelopmentoftechnologicaltoolsandtheusestowhichhumanityhasputthemhavecreatedmoderncivilizationsinwhichlonelinessiseverincreasing."
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Technology,broadlydefinedastheuseoftools,hasalonghistory.[一个大背景]EversinceErgthecavemanfirstconkedananimalwitharock,peoplehavebeenusingtechnology. Forthousandsofyears,theuseoftoolsallowedpeopletomoveeverclosertogether. Becausefieldscouldbecultivatedandthetechnologytostorefoodexisted,peoplewouldliveincitiesratherthaninsmallnomadictribes.[这三个句子说的都是科技带来的正面作用,每个句子都是恰当且适得其所的,从现象-作用-原因,这让我想到了自己对于论证一向的疑惑,对于每个句子的关系我一直把握的不好,是否应该从连接词的合理使用,内容的层层深入来做好呢?
另外范文的语言都是很实在的] OnlyverylatelyhaveErg'sdescendantscometoquestionthebenefitsoftechnology.[这里很好的提到了题目,并且也没有用那些老的要死的话,Iagreewith或者disagreewith之类的]TheIndustrialRevolutionintroducedandspreadtechnologiesthatmechanizedmanytasks. Asaresultofthedrivetowardmoreefficientproductionanddistribution(sotheeverlargercitieswouldbesupported),peoplebegantoactascogsinthetechnologicalmachine.[语言都很形象]Clothingwasnolongerproducedbygroupsofwomensewingandgossipingtogether,butbydown-troddenautomation'soperatingmachineryingrimfactories.[读到这里我突然想,之前我们写的文章开头都很模式化,简单的表明观点,句子也就三个左右搞定了,这篇范文的开头虽然长但觉得一点也不多余,每个句子都有着特殊的作用]
Thebenefitsofthenewtechnologyoftoday,computersandtheinternet,areparticularlyambiguous. Theyhavemadeworkevermoreefficientandknittheworldtogetherinawebofinformationandphonelines. [看到这里我感觉到,范文都是先出一个总领性强的句子,然后接着会有一个具体化的阐释句子,连接的很好,相辅相成]SomevisionariesspeakofaworldinwhichErgneednotcheckintohisoffice;hecanjustdialinfromhome. Hewon'tneedtogotoabartopickupwomenbecausethereareallthosechatrooms. Hungry?
Ergordershisgroceriesfromanonlinedeliveryservice. Bored?
Downloadanewgame. Andyet...[这里的句子很活泼,并且并列的很好]
Manypeople,myselfincluded,arealittlequeasyaboutthatvision. Ergmaybedoingwork,butisitrealwork?
Arehisonlinefriendsrealfriends?
Doesanythingcountinaspiritualwayifit'sjustdigital?
[承接上段,给出了疑问,其实也很好的点了题目,句子还是一样的活泼]SincetheIndustrialRevolution,wehavebeenhauntedbytheprospectthatweareturningintoourmachines:
efficient,productive,soulless.[生动]Thenewesttechnologies,wefear,aremakingusflatasourscreens,turningusintostreamsofbitsofinterchangeabledata. Wemayknowalotofpeople,butwehavefewrealfriends. Wehavealotofthingstodo,butnoreasontodothem. Inshort,thenewtechnologyemphasizesaspiritualcrisisthathasbeenbuildingforquitesometime.[句子的结构并列的很好,然后显得很有气势,但也没有一味的陈列现象,而是都扣紧中心的,和上文照应的,最后的总结很贴切]
AsItrytounravelwhichIbelieveabouttherelativemeritsoftechnology,Ithinkitisinstructivetoremembertechnology'soriginalresult.[上面是展示一些现象,现在开始思考,开始给出作者自己的观点,这个句子很明显的引出了下文] Abetterplowmeanteasierfarming,morefood,longerlives,andmorefreetimetopursueotherthingssuchasart. Ournewesttechnologydoesnotgiveusmorefreetime;itconsumesourfreetime.[前后的对比很强]Weareterminallydistractedfromconfrontingourselvesoreachother. Westaysafe,andlonely,inourhomesandofficesratherthantakingtheriskofmeetingrealpeopleortryingnewthings.[还是觉得形象,恩]
WhileIamcertainlynotaLuddite,Idobelieveweneedtolookforabitmorebalancebetweentechnologyandlife.[观点,我突然想到,作者这样在后面才明确说出自己的观点,没事吗?
]Wehavetotearourselvesawayfromthefataldistractionsandgooutintotheworld. Technologyhasgivenuslonglivesandendlesssuppliesofinformation. Nowweneedtoapplythatinformation,usethetimewe'renotspendingconkingourdinnerwithaclub,andfindourreasonsforliving.
COMMENTARY
Thisoutstandingresponsedisplayscogentreasoning,insightful,persuasiveanalysis,andsuperiorcontroloflanguage. Theessayimmediatelyidentifiesthecomplexitiesoftheissueandthenplayfullyexploresboththebenefitsandthedrawbacksoftechnologicaldevelopmentsoverthecourseofhumanhistory. Thewritermaintainsthata"balancebetweentechnologyandlife"isnecessaryifhumansaregoingtoabatethelonelinessthatispartofmodernexistence.
[这个范文让我想到了写那类好处和坏处并存的事物的作文,文中的对比时时被作者强调着,句子很活泼,前后照应的很好]
我对于ETS一篇没有写完的范文的一点粗浅的看法
思想性方面有很多人也评论过了~我仅仅对于其中的词句有自己的一点点看法
"Themedia(books,film,music,television,forexample)tendtocreateratherthanreflectthevaluesofasociety."
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Forourgrandparentsitoccurred注意:
人家用的事occur而不是takeplaceorhappenthroughfilmsandbooks. Forthebabyboomers婴儿潮~对于非美国人不熟悉其文化对于这个历史背景并不了解~但是~babyboomer其实替换了ourparents避免和grandparents类似itwasaresultoftelevisionandrevolutionary并不直接说music而是加上了一个强烈的形容词~表示音乐对于人的影响是巨大的~为后问的观点作铺垫music. Nomatterhowtheimpact小词~出现并不是不好~但是人家后面就在很后面再用了一次tookplace,itisclearthatsinceitsveryadvent很明显advent替换了beginning/start甚至连threshold都没有用~而是一个名词~可见作者对于用词是非常讲究的,themediahaveplayedacrucial同样~一个小小的形容词roleinnotsimplybeingrepresentativeofthevaluesofoursocietybutcreatingthemaswell.作者把notonlybutalso的句型改变成为notsimplybut很明显为了区别这个短语
这一段中~作者引题用了两个for,for的对称的句子并且对于媒体并没有说出来~nomatter一个很简单的让步~但是后面itis...用了非常精当的"开始"的名词形式的同义变换advent,在playrole短语后面连接了notonlybutalso的改变的形式~组装出精炼的句子表达出自己的意见
DuringtheroaringtwentiesAmericansfoundthemselvesinastruggle这个词用得不错!
表示了一种困境~但是如果作者运用比喻说:
trappedintheabyssofstruggling我觉得可能会更加好betweentheoldwaysoftheirancestorsandthenewwaysofthefuture. Theoncesteadfast看到了吧~作者不用firm而是用了steadfastbeliefsthatmenandwomenshouldnottouchwhiledancing,andthatladiesshouldnotdrinkorsmokeweresuddenlybeingchallenged巧妙!
befief用了一个同位语从句~两个句子连接在一起不单只不觉得累赘~而且非常通顺~显示了作者非常好的句子的多变~而且由于是belief作者后面用了challenged充分的为大环境作铺垫. Fromwherewasallthisrebellionstemming?
作者来了一个设问句~很多同学喜欢在开头的地方设问~restate~效果并不好~但是这里作者用了一个短句设问~用到了rebellianstemming的比喻!
可以看到作者对于修辞也有非常地道的见解 Partlyitwasdueto作者没有运用我讨厌的becasueofthereturning一个名词形式作为修饰词doughboysfromtheshoresofEuropebringinghomerevolutionaryideastheyhadencounteredwhileatwar用到了一个俚语doughboys~而后面不直接说从欧洲的战场回来~而是用shores借代了诺曼底等等地方~用现在分词而不用which的定语从句~这点能够给我们很大的提示~我们很多同学喜欢定语从句~然后句子套句子~最终什么都说不清楚~而encounter更加替换了face面对~当然这里的revolutionary刚才已经用过!
但是作者这里运用是为了回应刚才的ideas~解释了他的由来~用回revolutionary更好的标示出来是为了回应上文. Nonetheless很明显~没有用我们经常运用的however,returningsoldierscouldnotbeheldresponsibleforthesocialupheaval非常贴切!
thatAmericaexperienced. Therehadtobeanothercause,andtherewas,themedia.长短句的结合效果就是这么好!
用逗号把media隔开~突出了媒体的重要性~本科学英语的兄弟姐妹大约也学过这种现象~就是为了强调突出~但是我们却很少能够运用 Althoughthefilmsoftheeraera用得非常贴切~虽然这里也犯了重复小小毛病如果前面首段用epoch的话就相当好了weresilenttheyspokevolumestothesocietyforwhichtheywerecreated. Womeninthesemovies woretheirhemlinesafewinchesshorterthanthedecadebeforethemandtheyworecosmeticstoaccentuatetheirnewbobbedhaircuts整个句子都不是我们非英语国家同学所能够表达的!
里面的用词hemilines/inches/cosmetics/accentruate/bobbed/haircuts都是我们学习的对象!
但是不幸的是~我们即使学会用这些词汇~也写不出来这么自然的句子. Themovies,aswellasthebooksofthatera,demonstrated作者替换了show/indicate等低级词汇anewmaterialistic甚至这里用了一个哲学词汇!
弓虽!
attitudethatAmericahadneverbeforeexperienced. Filmsportrayed很明显的替换了decribe而且更加精当everycharacterashavingthemoneytobuyanewcar,drink,smokeandpartakeinthe leisuresoflife,aphilosophy一个同位语漂亮!
thatwassoonadopted看到了~人家不用choosebytheyouthofthedecade. Theuseofthemediainthetwentieswastoserveasacatalystfortherevolutionaryideasthatwerecirculatingbeto/serveas我想大家一定懂什么意思吧~但是很少自己用吧~serveas表达了根play..role同样的效果~但是请看后面~catalyst更加显示出作者对于词汇的掌握更重要的是词汇对于观点表达的深刻认识~. Thefilmsandbooksofthaterasped小词!
这个就是nativespeaker和我们的区别~我们很少运用名词作动词用~这个就是需要积累归纳!
Americaalongitspath小词!
ofchangethateventuallyledtothegreatestsocialunrest用得漂亮!
thattheUnitedStateshadeverknown.
Unlikethetwenties,thesixtiesandseventiesutalized看到了吧!
替换了use这个低级词汇themediainawaythatappealedto吸引~替换了attractthosesearchingfortruthinalostandconfusedworld在world前面加了lostandconfused~非常好!
但是其实还有更加好的~我个人认为complexandperplexed放在这里也不错~更加押韵~读起来更加美. MartinLutherKingJr. realizedtheimpactofthemediaonsocietyduringhiscampaignforcivilrights. Kingurged小词的功力hisfollowerstowithstandanyabusethattheymightencounterbecausethemediawilltaketheirpeacefulnessintothehomesoftheirsociety很少同学能够举例子在两句话描写出例子对于自己文章有用的地方~这里peacefulness/abuse都用得很好~和可惜~encounter没有注意重复了!
可以confront. Bydoingso,Kingsucessfullybegantochangethetraditionalviewofrace这句话不算美~但是很少人用bydoing表达自己的观点~并且~运用了一个短句~和上面的长句相对应. Americansbegantosympathizegreat!
withtheprotestersbecauseof前面用了dueto这里替换了~虽然我也不太喜欢这个词但是后面的词用得很好!
theundeservedturmoil这个用的好!
theyfacedatthehandsofthegovernmenthandsofthegovernment用了一个比喻的手法!
. Asaresult,作者避免运用therefore/thusAmericarelinquished这个词用得棒!
替换了giveup等等theJimCrowlaws这里体现了作者历史知识的深刻andsawmanyothergroupspressfortheirindividualrightsaswell. TelevisioncamerasrolledasCesarChavezorganizedthemigrantworkersinCaliforniaandasBellaAbzugandGloriaSteinhamlinkedarmstoprotestthelackofwomen'srights.rolled用得好!
而后面的比喻用得更好!
里面的历史渊源更加使我们不可及!
Whilethemediahelpedtoshapeshape用的好!
someattitudesaboutracismandgenderitalsohelpedtouncoverthetruthbehindgovernmentlies. DuringtheNixon
很明显~本文甚至没有写完~但是内部各种因素已经让它具备了冠军相了!
虽然有用词个别重复~但是~里面的用词是非常巧妙的~至于句型方面~长短结合~并且大家可以看看句子都不难~也没有用到什么倒转现象~但是~全文流畅~小词精当~这个就不是我们能够学得到了!
作者里面运用的修辞最多是比喻~开头段进行了一个对称~也是不错的!
~当然啦~如果再用上一些排比!
押头尾韵!
来一点抒情的句子~那么文章将更加漂亮
下面的是ETS对它的评论
评价
Thisisanoutstandingresponse,eventhoughitisnotquitefinished. Thewriter'sviewsontheissuearesocogent,wellarticulated,andwelldevelopedthatthewriterwasnotpenalizedforfailingtoprovideaconclusion. Whatmattersisthequalityofthinkingandwritingdisplayed,notwhetheranessayis