范文分析.docx

1、范文分析Issue test1Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing.6Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. 一个大背景 Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an anima

2、l with a rock, people have been using technology.For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.这三个句子说的都是科技带来的正面作用，每个句子都是

3、恰当且适得其所的，从现象-作用-原因，这让我想到了自己对于论证一向的疑惑，对于每个句子的关系我一直把握的不好，是否应该从连接词的合理使用，内容的层层深入来做好呢？另外范文的语言都是很实在的Only very lately have Ergs descendants come to question the benefits of technology. 这里很好的提到了题目，并且也没有用那些老的要死的话，I agree with或者disagree with之类的 The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that

4、 mechanized many tasks.As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.语言都很形象 Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by d

5、own-trodden automations operating machinery in grim factories.读到这里我突然想，之前我们写的文章开头都很模式化，简单的表明观点，句子也就三个左右搞定了，这篇范文的开头虽然长但觉得一点也不多余，每个句子都有着特殊的作用The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world to

6、gether in a web of information and phone lines.看到这里我感觉到，范文都是先出一个总领性强的句子，然后接着会有一个具体化的阐释句子，连接的很好，相辅相成Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?

7、Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.And yet.这里的句子很活泼，并且并列的很好Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?Are his online friends real friends?Does anything count in a spiritual way if its

8、just digital? 承接上段，给出了疑问，其实也很好的点了题目，句子还是一样的活泼 Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, soulless. 生动 The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of inter

9、changeable data.We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.句子的结构并列的很好，然后显得很有气势，但也没有一味的陈列现象，而是都扣紧中心的，和上文照应的，最后的总结很贴切As I try to

10、unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technologys original result.上面是展示一些现象，现在开始思考，开始给出作者自己的观点，这个句子很明显的引出了下文A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art.Our newest t

11、echnology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. 前后的对比很强 We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.还是觉得形象，恩While I am certainly

12、not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life. 观点，我突然想到，作者这样在后面才明确说出自己的观点，没事吗？We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world.Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information.Now we need to ap

13、ply that information, use the time were not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.COMMENTARYThis outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language.The essay immediately identifies the complexities of t

14、he issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history.The writer maintains that a balance between technology and life is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.这个范文让我想到了写

15、那类好处和坏处并存的事物的作文，文中的对比时时被作者强调着，句子很活泼，前后照应的很好我对于ETS一篇没有写完的范文的一点粗浅的看法思想性方面有很多人也评论过了我仅仅对于其中的词句有自己的一点点看法The media (books, film, music, television, for example) tend to create rather than reflect the values of a society.6For our grandparents it occurred注意：人家用的事occur而不是take place or happen through films an

16、d books.For the baby boomers婴儿潮对于非美国人不熟悉其文化对于这个历史背景并不了解但是baby boomer其实替换了our parents 避免和grandparents类似 it was a result of television and revolutionary并不直接说music而是加上了一个强烈的形容词表示音乐对于人的影响是巨大的为后问的观点作铺垫 music.No matter how the impact小词出现并不是不好但是人家后面就在很后面再 用了一次 took place, it is clear that since its very ad

17、vent很明显advent替换了beginning/start甚至连threshold都没有用而是一个名词可见作者对于用词是非常讲究的, the media have played a crucial同样一个小小的形容词 role in not simply being representative of the values of our society but creating them as well.作者把not only but also的句型改变成为not simply but很明显为了区别这个短语这一段中作者引题用了两个for,for的对称的句子并且对于媒体并没有说出来no ma

18、tter一个很简单的让步但是后面it is .用了非常精当的开始的名词形式的同义变换advent,在play role短语后面连接了not only but also的改变的形式组装出精炼的句子表达出自己的意见During the roaring twenties Americans found themselves in a struggle这个词用得不错！表示了一种困境但是如果作者运用比喻说: trapped in the abyss of struggling我觉得可能会更加好 between the old ways of their ancestors and the new way

19、s of the future.The once steadfast看到了吧作者不用firm而是用了steadfast beliefs that men and women should not touch while dancing, and that ladies should not drink or smoke were suddenly being challenged巧妙！befief用了一个同位语从句两个句子连接在一起不单只不觉得累赘而且非常通顺显示了作者非常好的句子的多变而且由于是belief作者后面用了challenged充分的为大环境作铺垫.From where was a

20、ll this rebellion stemming?作者来了一个设问句很多同学喜欢在开头的地方设问restate效果并不好但是这里作者用了一个短句设问用到了rebellian stemming的比喻！可以看到作者对于修辞也有非常地道的见解Partly it was due to作者没有运用我讨厌的becasue of the returning一个名词形式作为修饰词 doughboys from the shores of Europe bringing home revolutionary ideas they had encountered while at war用到了一个俚语doug

21、hboys而后面不直接说从欧洲的战场回来而是用shores借代了诺曼底等等地方用现在分词而不用which的定语从句这点能够给我们很大的提示我们很多同学喜欢定语从句然后句子套句子最终什么都说不清楚而encounter更加替换了face面对当然这里的revolutionary刚才已经用过！但是作者这里运用是为了回应刚才的ideas解释了他的由来用回revolutionary更好的标示出来是为了回应上文.Nonetheless很明显没有用我们经常运用的however, returning soldiers could not be held responsible for the social up

22、heaval非常贴切！ that America experienced.There had to be another cause, and there was, the media.长短句的结合效果就是这么好！用逗号把media隔开突出了媒体的重要性本科学英语的兄弟姐妹大约也学过这种现象就是为了强调突出但是我们却很少能够运用Although the films of the era era用得非常贴切虽然这里也犯了重复小小毛病如果前面首段用epoch的话就相当好了were silent they spoke volumes to the society for which they wer

23、e created.Women in these movieswore their hemlines a few inches shorter than the decade before them and they wore cosmetics to accentuate their new bobbed haircuts整个句子都不是我们非英语国家同学所能够表达的！里面的用词hemilines/inches/cosmetics/accentruate/bobbed/haircuts都是我们学习的对象！但是不幸的是我们即使学会用这些词汇也写不出来这么自然的句子.The movies, as

24、well as the books of that era, demonstrated作者替换了show/indicate等低级词汇 a new materialistic 甚至这里用了一个哲学词汇！弓虽！attitude that America had never before experienced.Films portrayed很明显的替换了decribe而且更加精当 every character as having the money to buy a new car, drink, smoke and partake in theleisures of life, a philo

25、sophy一个同位语漂亮！ that was soon adopted看到了人家不用choose by the youth of the decade.The use of the media in the twenties was to serve as a catalyst for the revolutionary ideas that were circulatingbe to/ serve as我想大家一定懂什么意思吧但是很少自己用吧serve as表达了根play .role同样的效果但是请看后面catalyst更加显示出作者对于词汇的掌握更重要的是词汇对于观点表达的深刻认识.Th

26、e films and books of that era sped小词！这个就是native speaker和我们的区别我们很少运用名词作动词用这个就是需要积累归纳！ America along its path小词！ of change that eventually led to the greatest social unrest用得漂亮！ that the United States had ever known.Unlike the twenties, the sixties and seventies utalized看到了吧！替换了use这个低级词汇 the media in

27、a way that appealed to吸引替换了attract those searching for truth in a lost and confused world在world 前面加了lost and confused非常好！但是其实还有更加好的我个人认为complex and perplexed放在这里也不错更加押韵读起来更加美.Martin Luther King Jr.realized the impact of the media on society during his campaign for civil rights.King urged小词的功力 his fo

28、llowers to withstand any abuse that they might encounter because the media will take their peacefulness into the homes of their society很少同学能够举例子在两句话描写出例子对于自己文章有用的地方这里peacefulness/abuse都用得很好和可惜encounter没有注意重复了！可以confront.By doing so, King sucessfully began to change the traditional view of race这句话不算美

29、但是很少人用by doing表达自己的观点并且运用了一个短句和上面的长句相对应.Americans began to sympathizegreat！ with the protesters because of前面用了due to这里替换了虽然我也不太喜欢这个词但是后面的词用得很好！ the undeserved turmoil这个用的好！ they faced at the hands of the governmenthands of the government用了一个比喻的手法！.As a result,作者避免运用therefore/thus America relinquishe

30、d 这个词用得棒！替换了give up等等the Jim Crow laws 这里体现了作者历史知识的深刻and saw many other groups press for their individual rights as well.Television cameras rolled as Cesar Chavez organized the migrant workers in California and as Bella Abzug and Gloria Steinham linked arms to protest the lack of womens rights.rolle

31、d用得好！而后面的比喻用得更好！里面的历史渊源更加使我们不可及！While the media helped to shapeshape用的好！ some attitudes about racism and gender it also helped to uncover the truth behind government lies.During the Nixon很明显本文甚至没有写完但是内部各种因素已经让它具备了冠军相了！虽然有用词个别重复但是里面的用词是非常巧妙的至于句型方面长短结合并且大家可以看看句子都不难也没有用到什么倒转现象但是全文流畅小词精当这个就不是我们能够学得到了！作者

32、里面运用的修辞最多是比喻开头段进行了一个对称也是不错的！当然啦如果再用上一些排比！押头尾韵！来一点抒情的句子那么文章将更加漂亮下面的是ETS对它的评论评价This is an outstanding response, even though it is not quite finished.The writers views on the issue are so cogent, well articulated, and well developed that the writer was not penalized for failing to provide a conclusion.What matters is the quality of thinking and writing displayed, not whether an essay is