桑德伯格在UC伯克利毕业演讲.docx

桑德伯格在UC伯克利毕业演讲.docx

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桑德伯格在UC伯克利毕业演讲

Thankyou,Marie.Andthankyouesteemedmembersofthefaculty,proudparents,devotedfriends,andsquirmingsiblings.

Congratulationstoallofyou…andespeciallytothemagnificentBerkeleygraduatingclassof2016!

ItisaprivilegetobehereatBerkeley,whichhasproducedsomanyNobelPrizewinners,TuringAwardwinners,astronauts,membersofCongress,Olympicgoldmedalists….andthat’sjustthewomen!

Berkeleyhasalwaysbeenaheadofthetimes.Inthe1960s,youledtheFreeSpeechMovement.Backinthosedays,peopleusedtosaythatwithallthelonghair,howdoweeventelltheboysfromthegirls?

Wenowknowtheanswer:

manbuns.

Earlyon,Berkeleyopeneditsdoorstotheentirepopulation.Whenthiscampusopenedin1873,theclassincluded167menand222women.Ittookmyalmamateranotherninetyyearstoawardasingledegreetoasinglewoman.

OneofthewomenwhocamehereinsearchofopportunitywasRosalindNuss.RozgrewupscrubbingfloorsintheBrooklynboardinghousewhereshelived.Shewaspulledoutofhighschoolbyherparentstohelpsupporttheirfamily.Oneofherteachersinsistedthatherparentsputherbackintoschool—andin1937,shesatwhereyouaresittingtodayandreceivedaBerkeleydegree.Rozwasmygrandmother.ShewasahugeinspirationtomeandI’msogratefulthatBerkeleyrecognizedherpotential.Iwanttotakeamomenttoofferaspecialcongratulationstothemanyheretodaywhoarethefirstgenerationintheirfamiliestograduatefromcollege.Whataremarkableachievement.

Todayisadayofcelebration.Adaytocelebrateallthehardworkthatgotyoutothismoment.

Todayisadayofthanks. Adaytothankthosewhohelpedyougethere—nurturedyou,taughtyou,cheeredyouon,anddriedyourtears. Oratleasttheonesmanwhodidn’tdrawonyouwithaSharpiewhenyoufellasleepataparty.

Todayisadayofreflection.Becausetodaymarkstheendofoneeraofyourlifeandthebeginningofsomethingnew.

Acommencementaddressismeanttobeadancebetweenyouthandwisdom.Youhavetheyouth.Someonecomesintobethevoiceofwisdom—that’ssupposedtobeme.IstanduphereandtellyouallthethingsIhavelearnedinlife,youthrowyourcapintheair,youletyourfamilytakeamillionphotos

–don’tforgettopostthemoninstagram—andeveryonegoeshomehappy.

Todaywillbeabitdifferent.Wewillstilldothecapsandyoustillhavetodothephotos.ButIamnotheretotellyouallthethingsI’velearnedinlife.TodayIwilltrytotellyouwhatIlearnedindeath.

Ihaveneverspokenpubliclyaboutthisbefore.It’shard.ButIwilldomyverybestnottoblowmynoseonthisbeautifulBerkeleyrobe.

Oneyearandthirteendaysago,Ilostmyhusband,Dave.Hisdeathwassuddenandunexpected.Wewereatafriend’sfiftiethbirthdaypartyinMexico.Itookanap.Davewenttoworkout.Whatfollowedwastheunthinkable—walkingintoagymtofindhimlyingonthefloor.Flyinghometotellmychildrenthattheirfatherwasgone.Watchinghiscasketbeingloweredintotheground.

Formanymonthsafterward,andatmanytimessince,Iwasswallowedupinthedeepfogofgrief—whatIthinkofasthevoid—anemptinessthatfillsyourheart,yourlungs,constrictsyourabilitytothinkoreventobreathe.

Dave’sdeathchangedmeinveryprofoundways.Ilearnedaboutthedepthsofsadnessandthebrutalityofloss.ButIalsolearnedthatwhenlifesucksyouunder,youcankickagainstthebottom,breakthesurface,andbreatheagain.Ilearnedthatinthefaceofthevoid—orinthefaceofanychallenge—youcanchoosejoyandmeaning.

I’msharingthiswithyouinthehopesthattoday,asyoutakethenextstepinyourlife,youcanlearnthelessonsthatIonlylearnedindeath. Lessonsabouthope,strength,andthelightwithinusthatwillnotbeextinguished.

EveryonewhohasmadeitthroughCalhasalreadyexperiencedsomedisappointment. YouwantedanAbutyougotaB. OK,let’sbehonest—yougotanA-butyou’restillmad.YouappliedforaninternshipatFacebook,butyouonlygotonefromGoogle.Shewastheloveofyourlife…butthensheswipedleft.

GameofThronestheshowhasdivergedwaytoomuchfromthebooks—andyoubotheredtoreadallfourthousandthreehundredandfifty-twopages.

Youwillalmostcertainlyfacemoreanddeeperadversity.There’slossofopportunity:

thejobthatdoesn’tworkout,theillnessoraccidentthatchangeseverythinginaninstant.There’slossofdignity:

thesharpstingofprejudicewhenithappens.There’slossoflove:

thebrokenrelationshipsthatcan’tbefixed.Andsometimesthere’slossoflifeitself.

Someofyouhavealreadyexperiencedthekindoftragedyandhardshipthatleaveanindeliblemark.Lastyear,Radhika,thewinneroftheUniversityMedal,spokesobeautifullyaboutthesuddenlossofhermother.

Thequestionisnotifsomeofthesethingswillhappentoyou. Theywill.TodayIwanttotalkaboutwhathappensnext.Aboutthethingsyoucandotoovercomeadversity,nomatterwhatformittakesorwhenithitsyou.Theeasydaysaheadofyouwillbeeasy. Itistheharddays—thetimesthatchallengeyoutoyourverycore—thatwilldeterminewhoyouare. Youwillbedefinednotjustbywhatyouachieve,butbyhowyousurvive.

AfewweeksafterDavedied,IwastalkingtomyfriendPhilaboutafather-sonactivitythatDavewasnotheretodo. WecameupwithaplantofillinforDave.Icriedtohim,“ButIwantDave.” Philputhisarmaroundmeandsaid,“OptionAisnotavailable. Solet’sjustkicktheshitoutofoptionB.”

WeallatsomepointlivesomeformofoptionB.Thequestionis:

Whatdowedothen?

AsarepresentativeofSiliconValley,I’mpleasedtotellyouthereisdatatolearnfrom.Afterspendingdecadesstudyinghowpeopledealwithsetbacks,psychologistMartinSeligmanfoundthattherearethreeP’s—personalization,pervasiveness,andpermanence—thatarecriticaltohowwebouncebackfromhardship.Theseedsofresilienceareplantedinthewayweprocessthenegativeeventsinourlives.

ThefirstPispersonalization—thebeliefthatweareatfault.Thisisdifferentfromtakingresponsibility,whichyoushouldalwaysdo.Thisisthelessonthatnoteverythingthathappenstoushappensbecauseofus.

WhenDavedied,Ihadaverycommonreaction,whichwastoblamemyself.Hediedinsecondsfromacardiacarrhythmia.IpouredoverhismedicalrecordsaskingwhatIcouldhave—orshouldhave—done.Itwasn’tuntilIlearnedaboutthethreeP’sthatIacceptedthatIcouldnothavepreventedhisdeath.Hisdoctorshadnotidentifiedhiscoronaryarterydisease.Iwasaneconomicsmajor;howcouldIhave?

Studiesshowthatgettingpastpersonalizationcanactuallymakeyoustronger.Teacherswhoknewtheycoulddobetterafterstudentsfailedadjustedtheirmethodsandsawfutureclassesgoontoexcel.Collegeswimmerswhounderperformedbutbelievedtheywerecapableofswimmingfasterdid.Nottakingfailurespersonallyallowsustorecover—andeventothrive.

ThesecondPispervasiveness—thebeliefthataneventwillaffectallareasofyourlife.Youknowthatsong“Everythingisawesome?

”Thisistheflip:

“Everythingisawful.”There’snoplacetorunorhidefromtheall-consumingsadness.

ThechildpsychologistsIspoketoencouragedmetogetmykidsbacktotheirroutineassoonaspossible.SotendaysafterDavedied,theywentbacktoschoolandIwentbacktowork.IremembersittinginmyfirstFacebookmeetinginadeep,deephaze.AllIcouldthinkwas,“Whatiseveryonetalkingaboutandhowcouldthispossiblymatter?

”ButthenIgotdrawnintothediscussionandforasecond—abriefsplitsecond—Iforgotaboutdeath.

Thatbriefsecondhelpedmeseethattherewereotherthingsinmylifethatwerenotawful.MychildrenandIwerehealthy.Myfriendsandfamilyweresolovingandtheycarriedus—quiteliterallyattimes.

Thelossofapartneroftenhasseverenegativefinancialconsequences,especiallyforwomen.Somanysinglemothers—andfathers—struggletomakeendsmeetorhavejobsthatdon’tallowthemthetimetheyneedtocarefortheirchildren.Ihadfinancialsecurity,theabilitytotakethetimeoffIneeded,andajobthatIdidnotjustbelievein,butwhereit’sactuallyOKtospendalldayonFacebook.Gradually,mychildrenstartedsleepingthroughthenight,cryingless,playingmore.

ThethirdPispermanence—thebeliefthatthesorrowwilllastforever.Formonths,nomatterwhatIdid,itfeltlikethecrushinggriefwouldalwaysbethere.

Weoftenprojectourcurrentfeelingsoutindefinitely—andexperiencewhatIthinkofasthesecondderivativeofthosefeelings.Wefeelanxious—andthenwefeelanxiousthatwe’reanxious. Wefeelsad—andthenwefeelsadthatwe’resad.Instead,weshouldacceptourfeelings—butrecognizethattheywillnotlastforever.MyrabbitoldmethattimewouldhealbutfornowIshould“leanintothesuck.” Itwasgoodadvice,butnotreallywhatImeantby“leanin.”

NoneofyouneedmetoexplainthefourthP…whichis,ofcourse,pizzafromCheeseBoard.

ButIwishIhadknownaboutthethreeP’swhenIwasyourage.Thereweresomanytimestheselessonswouldhavehelped.

Dayoneofmyfirstjoboutofcollege,mybossfoundoutthatIdidn’tknowhowtoenterdataintoLotus1-2-3. That’saspreadsheet—askyourparents.Hismouthdroppedopenandhesaid,‘Ican’tbelieveyougotthisjobwithoutknowingthat”—andthenwalkedoutoftheroom.IwenthomeconvincedthatIwasgoingtobefired. IthoughtIwasterribleateverything…butitturnsoutIwasonlyterribleatspreadsheets.Understandingpervasivenesswouldhavesavedmealotofanxietythatweek.

IwishIhadknownabout