美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南文档格式.docx

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南文档格式.docx

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Graduates,faculty,parents,relatives,undergraduates,andoldpeoplethatjustcometothesethings:

GoodmorningandcongratulationstotheDartmouthClassof2011.Today,youhaveachievedsomethingspecial,somethingonly92percentofAmericansyouragewilleverknow:

acollegediploma.That’sright,withyourcollegediplomayounowhaveacrushingadvantageover8percentoftheworkforce.I'

mtalkingaboutdropoutloserslikeBillGates,SteveJobs,andMarkZuckerberg.Incidentally,speakingofMr.Zuckerberg,onlyatHarvardwouldsomeonehavetoinventamassivesocialnetworkjusttotalkwithsomeoneinthenextroom.

Myfirstjobasyourcommencementspeakeristoillustratethatlifeisnotfair.Forexample,youhaveworkedtirelesslyforfouryearstoearnthediplomayou’llbereceivingthisweekend.

Thatwasgreat.

AndDartmouthisgivingmethesamedegreeforinterviewingthefourthleadinTwilight.Dealwithit.Anotherexamplethatlifeisnotfair:

ifitdoesrain,thepowerfulrichpeopleonstagegetthetent.Dealwithit.

IwouldliketothankPresidentKimforinvitingmeheretoday.AftermyphonecallwithPresidentKim,Idecidedtofindoutalittlebitabouttheman.HegoesbyPresidentKimandDr.Kim.Tohisfriends,he'

sJimKim,JtotheK,SpecialK,JKRowling,theJustKiddingKimster,andmostpuzzling,"

StinkyPete."

HeservedasthechairoftheDepartmentofGlobalHealthandSocialMedicineatHarvardMedicalSchool,spearheadedataskforcefortheWorldHealthOrganizationonGlobalHealthInitiatives,wonaMacArthurGeniusGrant,andwasoneofTIMEMagazine'

s100MostInfluentialPeoplein2006.GoodGod,man,whatthehellareyoucompensatingfor?

Seriously.Wegetit.You'

resmart.BythewayDr.Kim,youwerebroughttoDartmouthtolead,andasaworld-classanthropologist,youwerealsohiredtofigureoutwhyeachofthesegraduatingstudentsranaroundabonfire111times.

ButIthankyouforinvitingmehere,StinkyPete,anditisanhonor.Thoughsomeofyoumayseemeasacelebrity,youshouldknowthatIoncesatwhereyousit.Literally.LatelastnightIsnuckouthereandsatineveryseat.Ididittoproveapoint:

IamnotbrightandIhavealotoffreetime.

ButthisisawonderfuloccasionanditisgreattobehereinNewHampshire,whereIamgettinganhonorarydegreeandallthelegalfireworksIcanfitinthetrunkofmycar.

Youknow,NewHampshireissuchaspecialplace.WhenIarrivedItookadeepbreathofthiscrispNewEnglandairandthought,"

Wow,I'

minthestatethat'

snexttothestatewhereBenandJerry'

sicecreamismade."

Butdon'

tgetmewrong,Itakemytasktodayveryseriously.WhenIgotthecalltwomonthsagotobeyourspeaker,Idecidedtopreparewiththesameintensitymanyofyouhavedevotedtoanimportanttermpaper.Solatelastnight,Ibegan.IdranktwocansofRedBull,snortedsomeAdderall,playedafewhoursofCallofDuty,andthenopenedmybrowser.IthinkWikipediaputitbestwhentheysaid"

DartmouthCollegeisaprivateIvyLeagueUniversityinHanover,NewHampshire,UnitedStates."

Thankyouandgoodluck.

Tocommunicatewithyoustudentstoday,Ihavegonetogreatlengthstobecomewell-versedinyouruniquelinguisticpatterns.Infact,justthismorningIleftBakerBerrywithmytripeeBarrytoeataBillyBobattheBemawhenmyflitztoFrancescawasBlitzjackedbysomed-bagonhisFSP.

Yes,I'

vedonemyresearch.ThiscollegewasnamedaftertheSecondEarlofDartmouth,agoodfriendoftheThirdEarlofUCSantaCruzandtheDukeoftheBarbizonSchoolofBeauty.Yourschoolmottois"

Voxclamantisindeserto,"

whichmeans"

Voicecryingoutinthewilderness."

ThisiseasilythemostpatheticschoolmottoIhaveeverheard.Apparently,itnarrowlybeatout"

SilentlyWeepinginThickShrub"

and"

WhimperinginMoistLeaveswithoutPants."

Yourschoolcolorisgreen,andthiscolorwaschosenbyFrederickMatherin1867because,andthisistrue—Ilookeditup—"

itwastheonlycolorthathadnotbeentakenalready."

Icannotrememberhearinganythingsosad.Dartmouth,youhaveaninferioritycomplex,andyoushouldnot.YouhavegraduatedmoregreatfictitiousAmericansthananyothercollege.MeredithGreyofGrey'

sAnatomy.PeteCampbellfromMadMen.MichaelCorleonefromTheGodfather.Infact,Ilookforwardtonextyears'

ValedictoryAddressbyyouresteemedclassmate,CountChocula.Ofcourse,yourgreatestfictitiousgraduateisTreasurySecretaryTimothyGeithner.Man,canyouimagineifarealTreasurySecretarymadethosekindsofdecisions?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.NowIknowwhatyou'

regoingtosay,Dartmouth,you'

regoingtosay,well"

We'

vegotDr.Seuss."

Wellguesswhat,we'

realltiredofhearingaboutDr.Seuss.Faceit:

Themanrhymedfafloozlewithsaznoozle.Intheliterarycommunity,that'

scalledcheating.

Yourinsecurityissogreat,Dartmouth,thatyoudon'

teventhinkyoudeservearealpodium.I'

msorry.Whatthehellisthisthing?

ItlookslikeyoustoleitfromthesetofSurvivor:

NovaScotia.Seriously,itlookslikesomethingabearwoulduseatanAAmeeting.

No,Dartmouth,youmuststandtall.Raiseyourheadshighandfeelproud.

BecauseifHarvard,Yale,andPrincetonareyourself-involved,vain,name-droppingolderbrothers,youarethecool,sexuallyconfident,lacrosseplayingyoungersiblingwhoknowshowtothrowapartyandlooksgoodinadownvest.Brown,ofcourse,isyourlesbiansisterwhoneverleavesherroom.AndPenn,Columbia,andCornell—well,frankly,whogivesashit.

vealwayshadaspecialbondwiththisschool.Infact,thisismysecondtimecominghere.WhenIwas17yearsoldandtouringcolleges,waybackinthefallof1980,IcametoDartmouth.Dartmouthwasaverydifferentplacebackthen.ImadethetripupfromBostononamuleand,afteraskingtheblacksmithinWestLebfordirections,Icametothisbeautifulcampus.Nodormitorieshadbeenbuiltyet,soIstayedwithafamilyoffurtradersinWhiteRiverJunction.ItsnowedheavilyduringmyvisitandIwastrappedhereforfourmonths.Iwasforcedtoeatthemule,whoaweekearlierhadbeenforcedtoeatthefurtraders.Still,IlovedDartmouthandIvowedtoreturn.

Butfatedealtaheavyblow.Withnomoney,Iwasforcedtoenrollinasmall,localcommuterschool,apulsatingsoreonamuddyelbowoftheCharlesRiver.Iwasamiserablewretch,andtothisdayIcannothelpbutwonder:

WhatifIhadgonetoDartmouth?

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,ImighthavespentatleastsomeofmycollegeyearsoutsideandtodayImightnotbeallergictoallplantlife,aswellasmosttypesofrock.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,rightnowI'

dbewearingafleecethonginsteadofalacethong.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,Istillwouldn'

tknowthesecondverseto"

DearOldDartmouth."

Faceit,noneofyoudo.Youallmumblethatpart.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,I'

dhavealiverthesizeandconsistencyofabeanbagchair.

Finally,ifIhadgonetoDartmouth,todayI'

dbegettinganhonorarydegreeatHarvard.Imaginehowawesomethatwouldbe.

Youareagreatschool,andyoudeserveahistoriccommencementaddress.That'

sright,Iwantmymessagetodaytobeforeverrememberedbecauseitchangedtheworld.Todothis,Imustsuggestgroundbreakingpolicy.WinstonChurchillgavehisfamous"

IronCurtain"

speechatWestminsterCollegein1946.JFKoutlinedhisnucleardisarmamentpolicyatAmericanUniversityin1963.Today,IwouldliketosetforthmyownpolicyhereatDartmouth:

Icallit"

TheConanDoctrine."

Under"

TheConanDoctrine"

:

-Allbachelordegreeswillbeupgradedtomaster'

sdegrees.Allmaster'

sdegreeswillbeupgradedtoPhDs.AndallMBAstudentswillbeimmediatelytransferredtoawhitecollarprison.

-Under"

TheConanDoctrine,"

WinterCarnivalwillbecomeWinterCarnivaleandbemovedtoRio.Clothingwillbeoptional,allexpensespaidbytheAlumniAssociation.

-Yournickname,theBigGreen,willbechangedtosomethingmorekick-asslike"

TheJadeBlade,"

the"

SeafoamAvenger,"

orsimply"

Lime-Zilla."

-TheD-Planand"

quartersystem"

willfinallybeupdatedto"

theonesixty-fourthsystem."

Semesterswilllastthreedays.Studentswillbeencouragedtotake48semestersoff.Theymust,however,beoncampusduringtheirSophomore4thofJuly.

Iwillre-instateTubestock.AndIwillpunishthosewhotriedtoreplaceitwithFieldstock.Raftingandbeerareamuchbettercombinationthanafieldandabeer.Ihappentoknowthatintwoyears,theyweregoingtodowngradeFieldstocktoDeskstock,sevenhoursoffunsittingquietlyatyourdesk.Don'

tletthosebastardsdoit.

Andfinally,under"

allcommencementspeakerswhoshamelesslypanderwithcheap,insidereferencesdesignedtogetchildishapplause,willbeforcedtoapologize—tothegreatestgraduatingclassinthehistoryoftheworld.Dartmouthclassof2011rules!

Besidespolicy,anotherhallmarkofgreatcommencementspeechesisdeep,profoundadvicelike"

reachforthestars."

Welltoday,Iamnotgoingtowasteyourtimewithemptycliché

s.Instead,Iamgoingtogiveyoureal