美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南文档格式.docx

1、Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. Thats

2、 right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. Im talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just

3、to talk with someone in the next room.My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma youll be receiving this weekend.That was great.And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewin

4、g the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit

5、 about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, hes Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, Stinky Pete. He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task

6、force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazines 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get it. Youre smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dar

7、tmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once

8、 sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal firewo

9、rks I can fit in the trunk of my car.You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, Wow, Im in the state thats next to the state where Ben and Jerrys ice cream is made.But dont get me wrong, I take my task today very se

10、riously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my b

11、rowser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States. Thank you and good luck.To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. I

12、n fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.Yes, Ive done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz

13、 and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is Vox clamantis in deserto, which means Voice crying out in the wilderness. This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub and Whimpering in Moist Lea

14、ves without Pants. Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is trueI looked it upit was the only color that had not been taken already. I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not

15、. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Greys Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest

16、fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what youre going to say, Dartmouth, youre going to say, well Weve got Dr. Seuss. Well guess what, were all tired o

17、f hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, thats called cheating.Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you dont even think you deserve a real podium. Im sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of

18、Survivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confiden

19、t, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornellwell, frankly, who gives a shit.ve always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my seco

20、nd time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus.

21、 No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowe

22、d to return.But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?If I had gone to Dartmouth, I

23、might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now Id be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldnt know the second verse t

24、o Dear Old Dartmouth. Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, Id have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today Id be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great s

25、chool, and you deserve a historic commencement address. Thats right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous Iron Curtain speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his

26、 nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it The Conan Doctrine. Under The Conan Doctrine:- All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to masters degrees. All masters degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA s

27、tudents will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.- Under The Conan Doctrine, Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.- Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick

28、-ass like The Jade Blade, the Seafoam Avenger, or simply Lime-Zilla.- The D-Plan and quarter system will finally be updated to the one sixty-fourth system. Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4t

29、h of July. I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietl

30、y at your desk. Dont let those bastards do it.And finally, under all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologizeto the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like reach for the stars. Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichs. Instead, I am going to give you real