好汉两个半第六季TwoandaHalfMen中英剧本Word文件下载.docx
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soverit.
或许还没有Ormaybenot.
好汉两个半:
第六季第1集后期:
wqswqswswqs<
fontcolor="
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2.5MenSeason06
Episode01<
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我的计划是这样的t,here'
stheplan.
我躲到卫生间去I'
mgonnagotothebathroom.
你数到十然后像小妞那样尖叫Youcounttoten,thenscreamlikeagirl
接着对杰克使用海姆利克氏操作法（使堵住喉咙的异物吐出的急救措施）andstartgivingJake
theHeimlichmaneuver.
别胡扯了Don'
tberidiculous.
查理?
Charlie?
但如果她把手伸进包里我就拿这个小呆瓜当挡箭牌Okay,butifshereachesintoherpurse,
I'
musingnumbnutsasahumanshield.
嗨克丽茜好久不见Hey,Chrissy.Longtime.
我知道Iknow.
好久好久了Yep,long,longtime.
对啊Yeah.
时间是最好的疗伤药对吧?
Timeisagreathealer,isn'
tit?
对某些事来说是Ofsomethings.
你有了新的事业恭喜你Hey,congratulationsonyournewcareer.
谢谢Thankyou.
查理哈珀是个儿歌明星真难以置信It'
shardtobelieveCharlieHarperisachildren'
ssinging
star.
你知道我有多喜欢孩子...Well,youknowhowmuchIlovekid...
对好久好久之前Yep,along,longtime.
看起来你的小家伙很喜欢听音乐Lookslikeyourlittleguyenjoysmusic.
对他热爱音乐Oh,yeah,helovesit.
实际上他钢琴弹得也不错He'
sactuallyquitethepianoplayer,too.
钢琴?
听见了没查理?
Piano?
Youhearthat,Charlie?
这小伙子跟你一样会弹钢琴Theyoungmanplayspianojustlikeyou.
弹钢琴的小孩多得是Lotsofkidsplaypiano.
你还住在韦斯特伍德?
So,youstilllivinginWestwood?
对还在那儿Yeah.Stillthere.
我们刚开车过来准备去海边玩Wejustdrovedowntospendthedayatthebeach.
是啊沙滩Oh,sure.Thebeach.
观光的好地方但你不会想住在那儿Niceplacetovisit,butyouwouldn'
twanttolivethere.
实际上我就住那儿也不是那么糟糕Actually,Idolivethere;
it'
snotthatbad.
对我们该走了很高兴见到你Right.Well,weshouldgetgoing.Itwasniceseeingyou.
我也很高兴见到你Nicetoseeyou,too.
走吧查克Comeon,Chuck.
查克Chuck.
我听见了Iheardit.
叫查克的小孩多得是LotsofkidsnamedChuck.
那是查理的昵称对吧?
It'
sanicknameforCharles,isn'
查兹查得查咳查理这些都是你想说什么?
SoareChaz,Chad,ChickandCharlie.What'
syour
point?
没什么只是你跟那个女人九年没联系了Nopoint.It'
sjustthatyouhaven'
tseenthatwoman
innineyears
而小查克...andlittleChuckis,uh...
你猜小查克几岁?
Well,howolddoyousupposelittleChuckis?
这有什么区别?
Whatdifferencedoesitmake?
我猜小查克大概...Well,I'
dsaylittleChuckis,uh...
七八岁误差不会超过九个月sevenoreightyearsold,giveortakeninemonths.
你在暗示什么?
Whatareyouimplying?
我不明白你什么意思'
CauseIdon'
tknowwhatyou'
retalkingabout.
你不知道?
Youdon'
t?
我不想明白Okay,Ichoosenotto.
该死!
老爸快点儿我们得回家去!
JAKE:
Oh,crap!
Dad,quick,wegottagohome!
为啥怎么了?
Why,what'
swrong?
我电池没电了Mybatterydied.
等等我只是不小心关机了Oh,no,wait.Ijustturneditoffbyaccident.
如果我有个智能手机就不会这样了Thiswouldn'
thappenifIhadasmartphone.
还用我说出来么?
DoIevenneedtosayit?
只是我的感觉还是那小孩长的真有点儿像查理叔叔?
Soisitjustmeordidthatkidkindof
looklikeUncleCharlie?
*摇篮里的猫儿*（关于父子关系的歌）*Andthecat'
sinthecradle*
*和银勺子**Andthesilverspoon*
*忧伤的小男孩和...*Littleboyblueandthemanonthemoon*
闭嘴艾伦Shutup,Alan.
*当你回家的时候...*Whenyoucominghome,Dad?
Idon'
tknowwhen...*
一点儿都不好笑It'
snotfunny.
或许不能让人哈哈大笑但肯定可以嘻嘻偷笑了Well,maybenotfunnyhaha,butcertainly
funnyheehee.
那孩子一点儿都不像我Thatboywasnothinglikeme.
他还没有耳毛和威士忌的口气Well,hedidn'
thaveearhairandwhiskeybreath
但我想他会朝那个方向成长的butI'
mguessinghe'
llgrowintothat.
怎么了?
What'
sgoingon?
貌似这个老精子机Well,itwouldappearthattheol'
spermonatorhere...
造出了个孩子hasfatheredachild.
我没有Ididnot.
你怎么敢肯定?
Howcanyoubesosure?
我从不会不穿雨衣雨鞋就在雨里玩'
CauseIneverplayintherainwithoutaslickerand
galoshes.
我有点糊涂了雨鞋是怎么回事?
I'
mconfused.Wheredothegaloshesgo?
那只是打个比方It'
sjustafigureofspeech.
该做预防措施的时候我都做到位了Everythingthatneedstobecoverediscoveredwhen,you
know,coveringisappropriate.
我没问你的人生故事Ididn'
taskforyourlifestory.
我只是不明白雨鞋的事Iwasjustconfusedaboutthegaloshes.
查理避孕套的成功率只有98%Youknow,Charlie,evencondomsareonly98%effective.
才不是That'
snottrue.
不是才怪Thehellitisn'
t.
你从来不看包装盒么?
Haven'
tyoueverreadthepackage?
谁会看包装盒啊?
Whoreadsthepackage?
又不是麦片盒It'
snotlikeacerealbox.
你不会边吃边看Youdon'
treaditwhileyou'
reeating.
恶心Yikes.
拜托查理算算吧Comeon,Charlie,dothemath.
你跟那个女人九年没见她有个八岁大的儿子Youhaven'
tseenthewomaninnineyearsand
she'
sgotaneightyearold.
那又怎么样?
Sowhat?
你带个十岁的儿子出现在我门前而我十一年没见你了Youshowedupatmydoorwitha
tenyearoldandIhadn'
tseenyouin11years.
是不是就说明那个土豆脑袋是我俩的私生子?
Doesthatmeantaterheadisourlovechild?
好吧你就别承认Allright,fine,stayindenial.
小查克不可能是你儿子There'
snowaylittleChuckisyourson.
查克?
Chuck?
叫查克会弹钢琴莫名其妙长得像我的小孩多得是Hey,hey,lotsofkidsarenamedChuck,
playthepianoandlookdisturbinglylikeme.
他说得对He'
sright.
实际上我们没意识到这个问题才奇怪Infact,I'
msurprisedwe'
renotuptoourassesin'
em.
嗨拉塞尔?
Hey,Russell?
我忙着呢I'
mbusy.
我想问个关于这些套套的问题I'
vegotaquestionaboutthesecondoms.
跟你说过了查理我已经给你最优惠的批发价了Itoldyou,Charlie,I'
mgivingyouthebest
bulkrateIcan.
我知道但我想问的是...Iknow,butthat'
snotwhatIwas...
价钱上我竞争不过大型连锁店There'
sjustnowayIcancompetewiththebigchainstores.
我理解Iunderstand.
因此我用个人服务来弥补SoImakeitupinpersonalservice.
我相信你做到了I'
msureyoudo.
我不可能把那玩意包装打开亲自替你戴上Imean,I'
mnotgoingtounrollthedamnthings
andput'
emonforyou
但除了这一点其他就交给我吧butshortofthat,I'
vegotyourback.
不胜感激AndIappreciateit.
但我想问的不是这个Butthat'
snotwhatIwasaskingabout.
查理日子不好过啊Charlie,timesaretough.
人们不再从附近友好的药剂师那儿买药了Peopledon'
tgettheirdrugsfromtheirfriendly
neighborhoodpharmacistanymore.
他们都从网上买了TheygoontheInternet.
就信任邮差送来的心脏病药跟大便松弛剂吧Sure,trustyourmailmanwithyourheart
medicineandstoolsofteners.
拉塞尔你又在吸那些免费样品了吗?
Russell,haveyoubeenhittin'
thefreesamplesagain?
你是谁啊条子吗?
Whatareyou,acop?
我只是有点担心你No,I'
mjustalittleconcernedaboutyou.
如果你真那么担心就帮帮我吧Well,ifyou'
resoconcerned,helpmeoutalittlebit.
你为什么不偶尔买个放大镜或者护颈支架什么的?
Whydon'
tyoubuysomereadingglasses
oraneckbraceonceinawhile.
随便啦看在上帝份上买包彩虹糖也好Sure,whatever.AbagofSkittlesforGod'
ssake.
避孕套的收益真是微乎其微Youknow,'
causemymarginoncondomsisbubkes.
说到避孕套Yeah,well,speakingofcondoms
我只想知道是不是即使戴着避孕套也会让女人怀孕Ijustwanttoknowifsomebodycould
getpregnantevenifyouwerewearingacondom.
你跟那个卖椒盐卷饼的女士聊过?
HaveyoubeentalkingtotheWetzel'
sPretzelslady?
我只是顺路送她回家真没别的BecauseIjustgaveheraridehome,that'
sit.
不我是说一般情况下No,no,no,no,Imeaningeneral.
避孕套不管用的几率有多大?
Whataretheoddsthatacondomwouldn'
twork?
有很多因素呢Well,thereareanumberofthingstofactorin.
来点儿咳嗽糖浆?
Oh,coughsyrup?
我不咳嗽Idon'
thaveacough.
我也不咳嗽NeitherdoI.
总之避孕套Anyway,condoms.
无论何时你使用人工产品Wheneveryou'
redealingwithamanufacturedproduct
制作流程中难免有失误there'
salwaysgoingtobeflawsintheprocess.
但他们出厂前或是进去前不都是被检测过的么?
Yeah,butaren'
ttheysupposedtobetested
beforetheygoout?
Orin?
当然但不能每个都检测Well,sure,buttheydon'
ttesteveryone.
不能吗?
Theydon'
手淫貌似越来越好了吧?
Masturbating'
slookingbetterandbetter,huh?
那说到底你的意思是即使我用了避孕套Okay,okay,sobottomline,whatyou'
resayingis
evenifI'
mwearingacondom
也是有可能让人怀孕的?
there'
sachanceIcouldgetsomeonepregnant?
你没上八年级的生理卫生课吗查理?
Didyoumisseighthgradehealthclass,Charlie?
得了吧谁上生理卫生课啊?
Oh,comeon,whowenttohealthclass?
会有某个自我治疗的药剂师Well,amongstothers,acertainselfmedicatingpharmacist
他为三个不同的女人支付赡养费whopaysalimonytothreedifferentwomen
但不用在子女抚养上花一分钱butnotonepennyinchildsupport.
为了将来在参考用动物肠道Allright,allright,forfuturereference
薄膜做的那种避孕套怎么样?
whataboutlambskin?
是不是更有效?
Aretheymoreeffective?
不比你用的橡胶制品更好Well,um,lesssothanyourlatexproduct.
现在我不得不停用了因为那股味让我的猫变得狂暴NowIhadtostopwearingthemmyself
becausesomethingaboutthesmellmademycatgoberserk.
那是个有趣的小故事Itkindofacutestory.
我不...我不想听Idon'
t...Idon'
twanttohearit.
不是爱猫的人是吧?
Notacatperson,huh?
我也不是了I'
mnoteitheranymore.
谢谢拉塞尔再见Allright,well,thanks,Russell.I'
llseeya.
就...就这样了?
ThThThat'
sit?
你什么都不买?
我们这儿有威孚球棒You'
renotgoingtobuyanything?
We'
vegotWiffleball
bats.
或许你的小私生子喜欢威孚球棒MaybeyourlittlebastardwouldlikeaWiffleballbat.
计划生育Childproof.
你还好吧?
Youallright?
不很不好No,Iamnot.
艾伦我一直用三条准则来"
规范"
我的性生活Alan,Ihavealwaysconductedmysexlife
accordingtothreesimpleprinciples.
第一尽可能上女的（有一集查理找了一个变性的）One:
ifatallpossible,ladiesfirst.
第二事后道歉比事前询问简单（先上了再道歉）Two:
seasiertobeforgiventhanask
permission.
第三也是最重要的Andthird,andmostimportant:
花十秒钟带套远比花十年thetensecondsittakestoputonacondombeatsthehelloutofthe
tenyears
假装喜欢足球要划得来（因为要跟儿子玩）youhavetopretendtolikesoccer.
除非套套破了Exceptwhentheydon'
twork.
包装盒上面的"
不保证"
字样太小了（==+）Stupidtinydisclaimeronthesideofthebox.
他们应该在套套顶上用大字体表明（在套套顶上有一个储藏精液的设计可以减少压力而减
少破裂几率）They
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