英语短篇笑话70篇文档格式.docx

英语短篇笑话70篇文档格式.docx

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SoIaskedhim"

Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?

（Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammer.）

Thedoctortothepatient:

'

Youareverysick'

Thepatienttothedoctor:

CanIgetasecondopinion?

'

Thedoctoragain:

Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'

Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.

Submittedby:

AdrianaLuchetti

Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"

Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts."

Thedoctorasks,"

Whatdoyoumean?

Themansays,"

WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!

WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."

Thedoctorsays,"

Iknowwhat'

swrongwithyou-you'

vebrokenyourfinger!

SubmittedbySeanMcLoughlin

Patient:

Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.

Doctor:

Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.

IrenePellegrini

Doctor!

You'

vegottohelpme!

Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.

Nextplease!

SubmittedbyMarcoMorales,Mexico

Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.

Theteachersays,"

Whyareyouarguing?

Oneboyanswers,"

Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie."

Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"

saidtheteacher,"

WhenIwasyourageIdidn'

tevenknowwhataliewas."

Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.

Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'

sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarman"

Whatdidyoudothatfor?

SubmittedbySteve

Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?

It'

sagirl.She'

smydaughter.

Oh,I'

msorry,sir.Ididn'

tknowthatyouwereherfather.

I'

mnot.I'

mhermother.

Mother:

"

Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?

Firstday?

DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?

SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó

Headmaster:

vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?

Johnny:

Nothing,sir.

Exactly.

SubmittedbyMariadelPilarVilllegasMartinez

Teacher:

Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?

Nick:

Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?

Idon'

tthink,IKNOW!

tthinkIknoweither,Sir!

SubmittedbyBernadetteKelly

Hey,man!

Pleasecallmeataxi.

Yes,sir.Youareataxi.

SubmittedbyClá

udiaAlmeida

Whyareyoucrying?

Theelephantisdead.

Washeyourpet?

No,butI'

mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.

SubmittedbyJoe,fromIndiana

Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.

Wow!

"

saidherfather,"

Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?

Wrongnumber,"

repliedthegirl.

PUPIL:

WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn`tdo?

TEACHER:

Ofcoursenot."

Good,becauseIhaven`tdonemyhomework."

Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.

Studentasked:

How?

Write5andbesideitanother5!

Thestudentwrote5andstopped.

teacher:

Whatareyouwaitingfor?

student:

Idon'

tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!

SubmittedbyMahmoudZeidan

WhenIwanttoteachthecoulors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingandtheywillanswer:

Phonerings:

Green,green!

Theyanswer:

Yellow?

Theyask:

White?

Theyhangup:

Pink!

Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.

SubmittedbyMariaCrisitnaCodorniz

LittleJohnny:

Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?

LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?

ButIaskedfirst!

EliseOwen,DalianChina

Twogoldfishinabowltalking:

Goldfish1:

DoyoubelieveinGod?

Goldfish2:

Ofcourse,Ido!

Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?

Son:

Dad,whatisanidiot?

Dad:

Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythatanotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan'

tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?

No.

Man:

Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.

Woman:

Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?

Iofferyoumyself.

IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.

Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.

Let'

sstartfromyourbankaccount.

Submittedbykaradolson

Whyareyoulate?

Student:

Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.

That'

snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?

No.Iwasstandingonit.

SubmittedbyFredG.Stone

Customer:

Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.

Waitress:

Oh,that'

sokay.Thesoupisn'

thot.

SubmittedbyJimSperling

Therealestateagentsays,"

Ihaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou."

Themanreplys,"

Bytheweekorbythemonth?

Theagentanswers,"

Bythegarbagedump.."

BankTeller:

Howdoyoulikethemoney?

EnglishStudent:

Ilikeitverymuch.

SubmittedbySafnil（BengkuluUniversityIndonesia）

Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?

Ican'

tfindacowtallenoughforashower."

Customerinarestaurant:

Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenandacupofcoffee

Waitress:

IsitenoughSir?

Customer:

What?

DoyouthinkIcan'

tbuymore?

Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt."

IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'

twearit."

IwasborninCalifornia."

Whichpart?

Allofme."

Excuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?

No,I'

msorryIdon'

t."

Well,it'

stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft."

Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?

Well...yesandno.

Threemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"

Ruff!

Ruff!

Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"

Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!

SubmittedbyJeanneRamirez

Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'

teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"

oh,comeon,let'

seatthesandwiches."

Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"

Ifyoudo,Iwon'

tgo!

SubmittedbyAbuAbdulaziz（Kuwait）

Theteachertoastudent:

Conjugatetheverb"

towalk"

insimplepresent.

Thestudent:

Iwalk.Youwalk....

Theteacherintrupteshim:

Quickerplease.

Irun.Yourun...

Mouhssin

Father:

Whatdidyoudotodaytohelpyourmother?

Idriedthedishes

Daughter:

AndIhelpedpickupthepieces.

LookatyourfaceIknowwhatyouhaveforbreakfast

Whatwasit?

Eggs.

No,thatwasyesterday.

JanektHo

Whyareallthosepeoplerunning?

Theyarerunningaracetogetacup.

Whowillgetthecup?

Thepersonwhowins.

Thenwhyarealltheothersrunning?

GirishChavan

Doctor,IthinkthatI'

vebittenbyavampire.

Drinkthisglassofwater.

Willitmakemebetter?

No,IbutI'

llbeabletoseeifyourneckleaks.

RizwanaLahorePakistan

Saidtoarailroadengineer:

What'

stheuseofhavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate.

Thereplyfromtherailroadengineer:

Howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn'

thaveaschedule?

SubmittedbyKyleJefferson

WhenIstandonmyheadthebloodrushestomyhead,butwhenIstandonmyfeettheblooddoesn'

trushtomyfeet.Whyisthis?

sbecauseyourfeetaren'

tempty.

Didyoufatherhelpyourwithyourhomework?

No,hediditallbyhimself.

WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?

tknow.

Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?

Weborrowitfromourneighbor.

Onacrowdedbus,onemannoticedthatanothermanhadhiseyesclosed.

sthematter?

Areyousick?

heasked.

mokay.It'

sjustthatIhatetoseeoldladiesstanding."

Ifbigelephantshavebigtrunks,dosmallelephantshavesuitcases?

Submittedbylisbeth

Doyouwanttohearadirtyjoke?

Ok

Awhitehorsefellinthemud.

SubmittedbyRobertKennethPeterKroeker-age21

Anervousoldladyonabuswasmadeevenmorenervousbythefactthatthedriverperiodicallytookhisarmoutofthewindow.Whenshecouldn'

tstanditanylonger,shetappedhimontheshoulderandwhisperedonhisear:

Youngman...youkeepbothhandsonthewheel...I'

lltellyouwhenit'

sraining!

:

）

SubmittedbyJoanM.DiezCliville

Iusedtobeawerew