英语短篇笑话70篇文档格式.docx
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SoIaskedhim"
Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?
(Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammer.)
Thedoctortothepatient:
'
Youareverysick'
Thepatienttothedoctor:
CanIgetasecondopinion?
'
Thedoctoragain:
Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'
Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.
Submittedby:
AdrianaLuchetti
Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"
Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts."
Thedoctorasks,"
Whatdoyoumean?
Themansays,"
WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!
WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."
Thedoctorsays,"
Iknowwhat'
swrongwithyou-you'
vebrokenyourfinger!
SubmittedbySeanMcLoughlin
Patient:
Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.
Doctor:
Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.
IrenePellegrini
Doctor!
You'
vegottohelpme!
Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.
Nextplease!
SubmittedbyMarcoMorales,Mexico
Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.
Theteachersays,"
Whyareyouarguing?
Oneboyanswers,"
Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie."
Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"
saidtheteacher,"
WhenIwasyourageIdidn'
tevenknowwhataliewas."
Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.
Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'
sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarman"
Whatdidyoudothatfor?
SubmittedbySteve
Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?
It'
sagirl.She'
smydaughter.
Oh,I'
msorry,sir.Ididn'
tknowthatyouwereherfather.
I'
mnot.I'
mhermother.
Mother:
"
Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?
Firstday?
DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?
SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó
Headmaster:
vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?
Johnny:
Nothing,sir.
Exactly.
SubmittedbyMariadelPilarVilllegasMartinez
Teacher:
Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?
Nick:
Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?
Idon'
tthink,IKNOW!
tthinkIknoweither,Sir!
SubmittedbyBernadetteKelly
Hey,man!
Pleasecallmeataxi.
Yes,sir.Youareataxi.
SubmittedbyClá
udiaAlmeida
Whyareyoucrying?
Theelephantisdead.
Washeyourpet?
No,butI'
mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.
SubmittedbyJoe,fromIndiana
Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.
Wow!
"
saidherfather,"
Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?
Wrongnumber,"
repliedthegirl.
PUPIL:
WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn`tdo?
TEACHER:
Ofcoursenot."
Good,becauseIhaven`tdonemyhomework."
Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.
Studentasked:
How?
Write5andbesideitanother5!
Thestudentwrote5andstopped.
teacher:
Whatareyouwaitingfor?
student:
Idon'
tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!
SubmittedbyMahmoudZeidan
WhenIwanttoteachthecoulors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingandtheywillanswer:
Phonerings:
Green,green!
Theyanswer:
Yellow?
Theyask:
White?
Theyhangup:
Pink!
Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.
SubmittedbyMariaCrisitnaCodorniz
LittleJohnny:
Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?
LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?
ButIaskedfirst!
EliseOwen,DalianChina
Twogoldfishinabowltalking:
Goldfish1:
DoyoubelieveinGod?
Goldfish2:
Ofcourse,Ido!
Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?
Son:
Dad,whatisanidiot?
Dad:
Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythatanotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan'
tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?
No.
Man:
Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.
Woman:
Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?
Iofferyoumyself.
IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.
Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.
Let'
sstartfromyourbankaccount.
Submittedbykaradolson
Whyareyoulate?
Student:
Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.
That'
snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?
No.Iwasstandingonit.
SubmittedbyFredG.Stone
Customer:
Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.
Waitress:
Oh,that'
sokay.Thesoupisn'
thot.
SubmittedbyJimSperling
Therealestateagentsays,"
Ihaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou."
Themanreplys,"
Bytheweekorbythemonth?
Theagentanswers,"
Bythegarbagedump.."
BankTeller:
Howdoyoulikethemoney?
EnglishStudent:
Ilikeitverymuch.
SubmittedbySafnil(BengkuluUniversityIndonesia)
Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?
Ican'
tfindacowtallenoughforashower."
Customerinarestaurant:
Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenandacupofcoffee
Waitress:
IsitenoughSir?
Customer:
What?
DoyouthinkIcan'
tbuymore?
Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt."
IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'
twearit."
IwasborninCalifornia."
Whichpart?
Allofme."
Excuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?
No,I'
msorryIdon'
t."
Well,it'
stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft."
Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?
Well...yesandno.
Threemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"
Ruff!
Ruff!
Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"
Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!
SubmittedbyJeanneRamirez
Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'
teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"
oh,comeon,let'
seatthesandwiches."
Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"
Ifyoudo,Iwon'
tgo!
SubmittedbyAbuAbdulaziz(Kuwait)
Theteachertoastudent:
Conjugatetheverb"
towalk"
insimplepresent.
Thestudent:
Iwalk.Youwalk....
Theteacherintrupteshim:
Quickerplease.
Irun.Yourun...
Mouhssin
Father:
Whatdidyoudotodaytohelpyourmother?
Idriedthedishes
Daughter:
AndIhelpedpickupthepieces.
LookatyourfaceIknowwhatyouhaveforbreakfast
Whatwasit?
Eggs.
No,thatwasyesterday.
JanektHo
Whyareallthosepeoplerunning?
Theyarerunningaracetogetacup.
Whowillgetthecup?
Thepersonwhowins.
Thenwhyarealltheothersrunning?
GirishChavan
Doctor,IthinkthatI'
vebittenbyavampire.
Drinkthisglassofwater.
Willitmakemebetter?
No,IbutI'
llbeabletoseeifyourneckleaks.
RizwanaLahorePakistan
Saidtoarailroadengineer:
What'
stheuseofhavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate.
Thereplyfromtherailroadengineer:
Howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn'
thaveaschedule?
SubmittedbyKyleJefferson
WhenIstandonmyheadthebloodrushestomyhead,butwhenIstandonmyfeettheblooddoesn'
trushtomyfeet.Whyisthis?
sbecauseyourfeetaren'
tempty.
Didyoufatherhelpyourwithyourhomework?
No,hediditallbyhimself.
WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?
tknow.
Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?
Weborrowitfromourneighbor.
Onacrowdedbus,onemannoticedthatanothermanhadhiseyesclosed.
sthematter?
Areyousick?
heasked.
mokay.It'
sjustthatIhatetoseeoldladiesstanding."
Ifbigelephantshavebigtrunks,dosmallelephantshavesuitcases?
Submittedbylisbeth
Doyouwanttohearadirtyjoke?
Ok
Awhitehorsefellinthemud.
SubmittedbyRobertKennethPeterKroeker-age21
Anervousoldladyonabuswasmadeevenmorenervousbythefactthatthedriverperiodicallytookhisarmoutofthewindow.Whenshecouldn'
tstanditanylonger,shetappedhimontheshoulderandwhisperedonhisear:
Youngman...youkeepbothhandsonthewheel...I'
lltellyouwhenit'
sraining!
:
)
SubmittedbyJoanM.DiezCliville
Iusedtobeawerew