第一季01TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommateThePilotThe.docx

第一季01TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommateThePilotThe.docx

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第一季01TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommateThePilotThe

Tu101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate（ThePilot-TheUncutVersion）

[Scene:

CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]

Monica:

There'snothingtotell!

He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!

Joey:

C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!

There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!

Chandler:

AllrightJoey,benice. Sodoeshehaveahump?

Ahumpandahairpiece?

Phoebe:

Wait,doesheeatchalk?

（Theyallstare,bemused.）

Phoebe:

Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!

Monica:

Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.

Chandler:

Soundslikeadatetome.

[TimeLapse]

Chandler:

Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.

All:

Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.

Chandler:

ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.

Joey:

Insteadof...?

Chandler:

That'sright.

Joey:

Neverhadthatdream.

Phoebe:

No.

Chandler:

Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.

Monica:

Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?

!

Chandler:

Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!

[TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]

Ross:

（mortified）Hi.

Joey:

Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.

Monica:

Areyouokay,sweetie?

Ross:

Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...

Chandler:

Cookie?

Monica:

（explainingtotheothers）Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.

Joey:

Ohh.

Monica:

（toRoss）Letmegetyousomecoffee.

Ross:

Thanks.

Phoebe:

Ooh!

Oh!

（ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.）

Ross:

No,nodon't!

Stopcleansingmyaura!

No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?

Phoebe:

Fine!

 Bemurky!

Ross:

I'llbefine,alright?

Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.

Monica:

Noyoudon't.

Ross:

NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!

Joey:

Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...

Ross:

No!

!

Okay?

!

Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?

Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?

Chandler:

SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...（Theyallstareathim.）DidIsaythatoutloud?

Ross:

Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.

Monica:

Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:

00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?

 Awrongnumber?

Ross:

Sorry.

Joey:

AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?

（Rossgestureshisconsent.）

Joey:

Stripjoint!

C'mon,you'resingle!

Havesomehormones!

Ross:

Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?

Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!

（Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.）

Chandler:

AndIjustwantamilliondollars!

（Heextendshishandhopefully.）

Monica:

Rachel?

!

Rachel:

OhGodMonicahi!

ThankGod!

Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!

Waitress:

CanIgetyousomecoffee?

Monica:

（pointingatRachel）De-caff.（toAll）Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.（toRachel）Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?

Rachel:

Hi,sure!

Ross:

Hi.

（TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens. Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain. AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.）

Monica:

Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?

Rachel:

OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-（tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee）Sweet'n'Lo?

-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!

AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:

howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?

'.（toMonica）SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.

Monica:

Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.

Rachel:

Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:

Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]

Monica:

NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.

Chandler:

（imitatingthecharacters）Tunaoreggsalad?

 Decide!

Ross:

（inadeepvoice）I'llhavewhateverChristineishaving.

Rachel:

（onphone）Daddy,Ijust...Ican'tmarryhim!

I'msorry.Ijustdon'tlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!

（ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.）

Phoebe:

 IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.Chandler:

（reTV）Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.Joey:

Isaypushherdownthestairs.Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:

 Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

Pushherdownthestairs!

（Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.）

Rachel:

C'monDaddy,listentome!

It'slike,it'slike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,'You'reashoe!

You'reashoe,you'reashoe,you'reashoe!

'.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,'WhatifIdon'twannabeashoe?

WhatifIwannabea-apurse,y'know?

Ora-orahat!

No,I'mnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,I'msayingIamaha-It'sametaphor,Daddy!

Ross:

Youcanseewherehe'dhavetrouble.

Rachel:

LookDaddy,it'smylife.WellmaybeI'lljuststayherewithMonica.

Monica:

Well,Iguesswe'veestablishedwho'sstayingherewithMonica...

Rachel:

Well,maybethat'smydecision.Well,maybeIdon'tneedyourmoney.Wait!

!

Wait,Isaidmaybe!

!

[TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.]

Monica:

Justbreathe,breathe..that'sit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings...Phoebe:

（sings）Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,（RachelandMonicaturntolookather.）bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens...Lalalala...somethingandnoodleswithstring. Theseareafew...

Rachel:

I'mallbetternow.

Phoebe:

（grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.）Ihelped!

Monica:

Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,y'know?

Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife. Thewhole,'hat'thing.

Joey:

（comfortingher）Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhe'sawayalot.

Monica:

Joey,stophittingonher!

It'sherweddingday!

Joey:

What,likethere'saruleorsomething?

（ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.）

Chandler:

Pleasedon'tdothatagain,it'sahorriblesound.

Paul:

（overtheintercom）It's,uh,it'sPaul.

Monica:

OhGod,isit6:

30?

 Buzzhimin!

Joey:

Who'sPaul?

Ross:

PaultheWineGuy,Paul?

Monica:

Maybe.Joey:

Wait.Your'notarealdate'tonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?

Ross:

Hefinallyaskedyouout?

Monica:

Yes!

Chandler:

Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.

Monica:

Rach,wait,Icancancel...

Rachel:

Please,no,go,that'dbefine!

Monica:

（toRoss）Are,areyouokay?

Imean,doyouwantmetostay?

Ross:

（chokedvoice）That'dbegood...

Monica:

（horrified）Really?

Ross:

（normalvoice）No,goon!

It'sPaultheWineGuy!

Phoebe:

Whatdoesthatmean?

 Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot?

（Chandlerdoesn'tknow.）

（There'saknockonthedoorandit'sPaul.）

Monica:

Hi,comein!

Paul,thisis..（Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.）...everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.

All:

Hey!

Paul!

Hi!

TheWineGuy!

Hey!

Chandler:

I'msorry,Ididn'tcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?

Monica:

Okay,umm-umm,I'lljust--I'llberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah...

Ross:

Awandering?

Monica:

Change!

 Okay,sitdown.（ShowsPaulin）Twoseconds.

Phoebe:

Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcan'tbegood.

（Monicagoestochange.）

Joey:

 Hey,Paul!

Paul:

Yeah?

Joey:

Here'salittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandoverandoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.

Monica:

（yellingfromthebedroom）Shutup,Joey!

Ross:

SoRachel,what'reyou,uh...what'reyouuptotonight?

Rachel:

Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!

Ross:

Right,you'renotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God..No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear...talkaboutyour-（thinks）-biglizards...Anyway,ifyoudon'tfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.

Chandler:

（deadpan）Yes,andwe'reveryexcitedaboutit.

Rachel:

Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkI'mjustgonnahangoutheretonight. It'sbeenkindaalongday.

Ross:

Okay,sure.

Joey:

HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?

Phoebe:

Oh,IwishIcould,butIdon'twantto.

CommercialBreak

[Scene:

TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.]

Phoebe:

（singing）Loveissweetassummershowers,loveisawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove...islikeagiantpigeon...crappingonmyheart. La-la-la-la-la-（someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy）Thankyou.（sings）La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene:

Ross'sApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.]

Ross:

（squattingandreadingtheinstructions）I'msupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewo