最新初高中英语幽默短文.docx

1、最新初高中英语幽默短文Big handsTeacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?tudent: Big hands.A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad（少年，小伙子） . What are you holding onto your brother so tight

2、 for, sonny? asked one of them.So he wont join the army, the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？这样，他就不会去参军了。小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and p

3、erhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, I see that your pig likes apples, but isnt that quite a waste of time? The farmer

4、replied, Whats time to a pig?一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?那位农夫 回答说，时间对猪有什么意义?if I Am a ManagerOne day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition if I Am a Manager.All

5、the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boys answer.如果我是一个经理一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。NOTEassign vt.分配, 指派 （与to连用）分配The monitor was assigned to take notes for

6、 the meeting.班长被分派作会议记录。What are you so happy about?a woman asked the 98-year-old man.I broke a mirror, he replied.But that means seven years of bad luck.I know. he said, beaming,Isnt it wonderful?这难道不好吗？“你高兴什么？”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？”NOTEbeaming adj. 照耀的, 光亮

7、的, 喜气洋洋的, 愉快的 A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents.What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered.Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly.Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?She is the one who sel

8、ls the candy.好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”A Man of ActionsA crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he s

9、aid to me this morning, Ill leave Oxford this very evening！”A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions！” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him！” said another.Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and whispered to her, “Well,ererMiss

10、 Rose, erhe told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening！”一个言出必行的人一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃呃，罗斯小姐，呃他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importan

11、ce of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said a small boy, Ive made someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday

12、, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad！一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。做得好，是谁呢？我奶奶。好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：奶奶，我要回家了。她说：啊，我很高兴！Jacky: I found 50 cents on the sidew

13、alk in front of school.Tommy: I think its mine. I dropped 50 cents there today and couldnt find it.Jacky: But what I found was two quarters.Tommy: Then Im sure its mine. It probably broke when it hit the sidewalk.杰克：我在学校门前的人行道上拣了50分。汤米：我想那是我的，今天我在那儿掉了50分，找不到了。杰克：但是我拣的是两个两毛五的呀。汤米：那就更是我的了。因为钱在掉到地上的时候可

14、能摔两半了。A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not

15、want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.Lucy looked at her mother for a few momen

16、ts with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, Arent you pleased that youve come to live with us now?一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：您现在能跟

17、我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？Who do you think you are?The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldnt let him aboard.“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?”“I am the driver.” he said.你以为你是谁？公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。“车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？”“我是司机！”他说。A note

18、:aboard: adv.在船(飞机、车)上, 上船(飞机、车)prep.在(船、飞机、车)上, 上(船、飞机、车).on board:到船上, 在船上go aboard: 上船 (上飞机等)All aboard! 请上船飞机、车,都上来! 你以为你是谁？ 公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。“车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？”“我是司机！”他说。 Boxing and RunningDan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, This is a tough worl

19、d, so Im teaching my boy to fight.Friend: But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, whos also been taught how to box.Dan: Im teaching him how to run, too.拳击和赛跑丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。” To Buy a VideoAmos a

20、sked his mother whether they could have a video.Im afraid we cant afford one, sighed his mother.But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!买录像机艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否

21、能买一台录像机。”恐怕我们还买不起，“妈妈叹息着说。可第二天当艾莫斯回来时，他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。”你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西？“妈妈大吃一惊，喘着气说。”妈妈，这简单，“ 艾曼斯回答。”我把电视机给卖了！1. A girls wishOn the way home after watching a ballet performance,the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the danc

22、ers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time. The Fourth ElementTeacher: What are the four element of nature?Student: Fire, air, earth, and. and .Teacher: And what? Just think it over, what do you wash your hands with?Student: Soap!第四元素老师：自然界的四大元素是什么？学生：火、气、和。和。老师：

23、和什么？想一想， 你用什么洗手的？学生：肥皂。NOTEjust think it over 好好想一想what do you wash your hands with？ with表示用 what是with的宾语Big handsTeacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?tudent: Big hands.A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp. A couple of soldiers

24、wanted to have some fun with the lad（少年，小伙子） . What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.So he wont join the army, the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房。两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩，你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？这样，他就不会去参军了。小家伙眼都不眨地回答道。One day a visitor from the city

25、 came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to

26、the farmer, I see that your pig likes apples, but isnt that quite a waste of time? The farmer replied, Whats time to a pig?一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?那位农夫 回答说，时间对猪有什么意义?if I Am a ManagerOne

27、 day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boys answer.如果我是一个经理一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他

28、为什么不写。“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。NOTEassign vt.分配, 指派 （与to连用）分配The monitor was assigned to take notes for the meeting.班长被分派作会议记录。What are you so happy about?a woman asked the 98-year-old man.I broke a mirror, he replied.But that means seven years of bad luck.I know. he said, beaming,Isnt it wonderful?这难道不好吗？“你

29、高兴什么？”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？”NOTEbeaming adj. 照耀的, 光亮的, 喜气洋洋的, 愉快的 A Good BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents.What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered.Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly.

30、Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?She is the one who sells the candy.好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”A Man of ActionsA crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can

31、 have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, Ill leave Oxford this very evening！”A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions！” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him！” said another.Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and