how to find true love 如何找到真爱.docx

1、how to find true love 如何找到真爱How to Find True LoveWhile “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic Ive written on, its not surprising that a close second is the topic ofHow to Find True Love. Heres an email from one reader:“Ive realized that one of my main goals is to find

2、 a worthwhile and long term relationship. I noticed you have entries on how to keep a relationship and on how to end a relationship so would you consider writing an entry on what you perceive to be the best way to find a worthwhile relationship. How to avoid making the same mistakes, overcoming fear

3、s, keeping up motivation after failure etc.” Gary (Dublin, Ireland)Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved, and to be happy.Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and wealth and

4、fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of fin

5、ding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are, you didnt grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we certainly didnt study relationships in our high school curriculums. For most of us, its been

6、an adventure in trial and error and learning through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?In light of Valentines Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time:finding love.Personal StoryI spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties

7、on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my ext

8、ernal relationships took me further from that which I longed.Ive always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, Ive often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusive

9、ly on the person I was dating. You see, I didnt respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.Looking back, I had ente

10、red many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would lov

11、e me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.My freedom daycame roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a

12、 moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain. (Read mydetailed journal entry from that day here.)I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with relationship expertAlison Armstrong. I have come

13、 a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.Problematic Relationship PatternsLets first look

14、 at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional InsecuritiesAs with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we a

15、ttach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job,

16、or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?Besides the ego identification, its easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the ot

17、her person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid tolosethat person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on thecelebration of love and pa

18、rtnership, it becomes a game ofhow to protect ourselves from loss.2. Communication of NeedsOut of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become conv

19、inced that our partner willmagicallyknow what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent d

20、estruction of a romantic partnership.So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of

21、 things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.3. Bad F

22、it and Settling by DefaultDeep down, we are all really good people. But this doesnt mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. Thereissuch thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. Th

23、ey must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isnt a good fit, we justify staying i

24、n it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we wont find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves

25、with some other thought.We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.Who Is Your Ideal Mate?We all ha

26、ve a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.PHOTO:EMILY HELEN, THE BEST KAUAI WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHERThe problem comes

27、 when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up perfect person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may n

28、ot actuallyneedall of these qualities in a partner to beextraordinarily happy.What weneedis to identify the most important qualities that wemust havein order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life

29、 partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how mu

30、ch they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing

31、so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.Identifying Must-HavesHeres a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify themust-havequalities in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go through this, even if

32、 you are presently in a relationship.Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you wont be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.Ready? Here we go:Step 1. The Perfect ImageOn a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, life