how to find true love 如何找到真爱.docx

how to find true love 如何找到真爱.docx

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howtofindtruelove如何找到真爱

HowtoFindTrueLove

While“HowtoGetOveraBreakup”wasthenumberonerequestedarticletopicI’vewrittenon,it’snotsurprisingthataclosesecondisthetopicof HowtoFindTrueLove.Here’sanemailfromonereader:

“I’verealizedthatoneofmymaingoalsistofindaworthwhileandlongtermrelationship.Inoticedyouhaveentriesonhowtokeeparelationshipandonhowtoendarelationshipsowouldyouconsiderwritinganentryonwhatyouperceivetobethebestwaytofindaworthwhilerelationship.Howtoavoidmakingthesamemistakes,overcomingfears,keepingupmotivationafterfailureetc.”

–Gary（Dublin,Ireland）

Regardlessofourculture,ourlevelofeducationoreconomicstatus,atthedepthofallofusarethesamedesires-tolove,tobeloved,andtobehappy.

Ofcoursewecouldaddotherdesirestothislist,likemoneyandwealthandfancythings,butwhenyoudrillintothesethings,thereasonforwantingthemissothatwecanappearmoredesirable,andwillhopefullybelovedandaccepted.

Ifloveissomethingsofundamentallyimportanttous,thenwhyisitthatwehavesomanyissuesandmisunderstandingsintheareaoffindingit?

Ithinktheanswerissimple,thatmostofushaveneverbeeneducatedinthisfundamentalareaofourdevelopment.Chancesare,youdidn’tgrowupwithparentswhowererelationshipexperts,andwecertainlydidn’tstudyrelationshipsinourhighschoolcurriculums.Formostofus,it’sbeenanadventureintrialanderrorandlearningthroughpainandheart-break.Butisthereaneasierway?

InlightofValentine’sDayapproachingthisweek,Iamgoingtotouchononeofmyfavoritetopicsofalltime:

 findinglove.

PersonalStory

Ispentmostofmytimeinmylateteensandearlytwentiesonfindinglove,orsoIthoughtatthetime.InactualityIwasseekingself-acceptance,approvalandidentity.Iwasdeeplyinsecureandhadagreatfearofbeingalone.Ijumpedfromrelationshiptorelationship,allthewhilesearchingformyself.Buttheactofseekingself-worththroughmyexternalrelationshipstookmefurtherfromthatwhichIlonged.

I’vealwaysbeenanambitiouspersonandinadditiontomyjob,I’veoftenworkedonsideprojectsandotherinterests.ButwheneverIfoundmyselfinarelationship,IwoulddropeverythingthatwasimportanttomeandwouldfocusexclusivelyonthepersonIwasdating.Yousee,Ididn’trespectmyself,andIthoughtthatfindingsomeonetolovemewasmoreimportantthananythingelse.Duringthesetime-consumingromanticcourtships,Iwasdistancingmyselffurtherfrommypassions,mypurposeandmytrueself.

Lookingback,Ihadenteredmanyoftheserelationshipsoutofinfatuationorloneliness.Itwasthefearofabandonmentortheguiltofobligationthatkeptmeintheserelationships.Ioftengotintoandremainedinvolvedinrelationshipsforthewrongreasons.Iwouldconvincemyselfthatnooneelseouttherewouldloveme,andsoIsettled.Despitemysurfaceappearance,Iwasdeeplyunhappy.

Myfreedomday cameroughlytwoyearsago.Inastateofdeepdepressionoverunsatisfiedrelationshipsandthroughagrowingdespiseofmygrossdependenciesonthem,amiraculousunderstandingcametomeandIexperiencedamomentofclarity.AtthatmomentImadeavowtoendthepain.（Readmy detailedjournalentryfromthatdayhere.）

IstartedtodevourasmuchmaterialandwisdomasIcouldfindonthetopicofrelationships,andstudied（andcontinuetostudy）withrelationshipexpert AlisonArmstrong.Ihavecomealongwayfrombeingthatinsecurelittlegirl,andhavelearnedmuchaboutmyselfintheprocess.MostimportantlyIdiscoveredthatonceIstartedtotrulylovemyself,andtofocusonmyowninnerpeaceandwellness,truelovecamelookingforme.

ProblematicRelationshipPatterns

Let’sfirstlookatsomecommonrelationshipproblemsandwhymanyromanticpartnershipsdonotworkout.

1.Ego,Fear,&EmotionalInsecurities

Aswithmaterialpossessionsorprofessionalachievements,relationshipsgiveouregoamethodbywhichtoidentifywhowearetotheoutsideworld.Theproblemisthatweattachsomuchofouridentitytotheexternalappearanceofourrelationshipsthatwelosetouchwiththepartsofourselvesthatarewiseandconscious.Theattachmenttothisfalseidentityleadstoafeelingofdesperationratherthanfulfillment.Afterall,withouttherelationship,orthejob,orwhicheverotherfalseidentitywehavechosen,whowouldwebe?

Besidestheegoidentification,it’seasytodevelopadependencyoncompanionship.Thatindependentpersonthatweoncewerestartstoevaporate.Ourmindbecomesfoggedandasourself-identificationbeginstoattachitselftotheotherperson,unconsciouslyorconsciously,webecomeafraidto lose thatperson.Webecomedependentonthatpersonandfearfulofloneliness.

Outofouremotionalinsecurities,westarttobecomeneedyandtoseekoutvalidationfromourpartner.So,insteadoffocusingonthe celebrationofloveandpartnership,itbecomesagameof howtoprotectourselvesfromloss.

2.CommunicationofNeeds

Outofadesiretoavoidappearingneedyandoutofafearoflosingourpartner,westarttofilterwhatwesay.Indoingso,wedonotcommunicateourneedsclearly,openlyorbravely.Wesomehowbecomeconvincedthatourpartnerwill magically knowwhattodotofulfillourneeds.Whenourneedsarenotmet,wesecretlyblametheotherpersonandbegintoresentthem.Whenweareunhappy,ourpartnerwillpickuponthecues,andinturn,secretlyresentus,thusstartingaviciouscycleinthesilentdestructionofaromanticpartnership.

Somuchofwhatneededtobesaidwasnotsaid,andbadfeelingsarebottledupandstarttoaccumulateforbothparties.Haveyoueverhadafriendcometoyouandcomplainaboutallofthethingstheyareunhappyaboutwiththeirpartner?

Thosearethekindsofthingstheyshouldbetellingtheirpartner,iftheyactuallywantachange.

Worseyetiswhenonepartneropenlycommunicatestheirneedsonlytofindthattheotherpartyissimplynotlistening,ordoesnotfullyacknowledgewhatwassaid,ormakesthemfeelguiltyforhavingthoseneeds.

3.BadFitandSettlingbyDefault

Deepdown,weareallreallygoodpeople.Butthisdoesn’tmeanthatanycombinationoftwogoodpeoplewillmakeagoodpartnership.There is suchthingasabadfit,anditisokaytoadmitit.

Thebestfitsareoneswherethemostimportantvaluesforbothpeoplearemet.Theymusthavelifegoalsthatalignwithoneanotherandhaveamutualattraction,understanding,andlevelofrespectforeachother.Bothpeoplemustbecommittedtomakingthepartnershiptheirtoppriority.

Sometimes,evenwhenwerealizethatourrelationshipisn’tagoodfit,wejustifystayinginitwithwhatseemlikelogicalreasons.Wemayfeelthatwewon’tfindanotherpersonwhoacceptsandlovesusasmuchasthecurrentpartner.Orwemaybeafraidtobealone,sowesimplysettlebydefault.Eachtimeweareremindedofthebadfit,webrushitundertheruganddistractourselveswithsomeotherthought.

Wemayfeelthatwearedoingaservicetotheotherpersonbystayingintherelationship,butinreality,wearehurtingthembynotbeinghonestwiththemandourselves.Andweareaccumulatingbadfeelingsandbadenergyinourinnerspace.

WhoIsYourIdealMate?

Weallhavearoughideaofwhatourperfectpartnerislike:

beautiful,orsmart,orrich,oreducated,ortall,orpetite,orpale,ordark,orhandsome,orfit,withthiscar,orwiththathouseorwhateverelsethatstrikesourfancy.

PHOTO:

 EMILYHELEN,THEBESTKAUAIWEDDINGPHOTOGRAPHER

Theproblemcomeswhenwefindourselvesinarelationshipandweareconstantlycomparingourpartnerswiththisconjured-up‘perfect’person.Whenthathappens,westopappreciatingourpartnerforallthebeautifulqualitiestheydopossess.

Thetruthisthisperfectpersondoesnotexist.Moreimportantly,wemaynotactually needallofthesequalitiesinapartnertobe extraordinarilyhappy.

Whatwe need istoidentifythemostimportantqualitiesthatwe musthave inordertofeelsatisfiedandfulfilled（moreoncreatingamust-havelistbelow）.Bynothavingidentifiedthemust-havequalitiesinourchosenlifepartner,weendupsettling,andsincethepersoncannotgiveusthethingswetrulyneed,westarttoresentthem.Thiswillsnowballintolargerissues.

Forexample,ifheightissomethingthatisreallyimportanttoyou,andyourpartnerdoesnotmeetthatheightrequirement,regardlessofhowmuchtheytry,theywillnevergrowtallerorshrinkshorter,andthiswillbugyouandaffectyourunion.

Inlife,wewillgetrandomresultsifwehavenotspecifiedwhatwewant.Identifyingandunderstandingwhatitisthatweneedinarelationship,allowsustosetclearintentions,andindoingso,movesusclosertorealizingourintendeddesires.

IdentifyingMust-Haves

Here’saveryaffectiveexercisethatIpickedupfromAlisonArmstrongthatwillhelpyoudiscoverandidentifythe must-have qualitiesinyourpartner.Ihighlyrecommendtakingatleast10minutestogothroughthis,evenifyouarepresentlyinarelationship.

Grabapenandsomepaper.Findaplacewhereyouwon’tbeinterrupted.Turnoffthephone,theTV,thecomputer.

Ready?

Herewego:

Step1.ThePerfectImage

Onablankpieceofpaper,listoutallthequalitiesthatyouridealpartnerwillhave.Whatkindofcharacteristicsandqualitiesdoyoutrulydesire?

Becreativeandopen.Useabulletpointedlist,notsentences.Listoutasmanyaspossible,anduseasmanypiecesofpaperasneeded.

Beasspecificasyoucan.Getintodetailslikephysicalattributes,values,life