黄西在美国白宫晚宴上的脱口秀之欧阳学文创作Word文档下载推荐.docx

1、（观众笑，这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻，大家可以搜索Michaele and Tareq Salahi）I grew up in China. Who wouldnt? Laughter我在中国长大。谁不是呢？（观众笑，这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. Laughter When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy,

2、right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, Laughter which is almost as slow as a flying rock. Laughter而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。（观众笑，思路怪异）读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快（观众笑），而声音的速度就

3、和石头飞的速度差不多慢。（观众笑）My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesnt do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy? Laughter So, five minutes later, I said, Why? Laughter He said, Bec

4、ause I said so!我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（观众笑，风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”（观众笑），他说“因为我说好就是好！”（观众笑，笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at RiceUniversity in Texas. Applaus

5、e That wasnt a joke, Laughter until now. Laughter我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。（观众鼓掌。）这不是个笑话（观众笑），不过现在是了。（观众笑）And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, If you dont speak English, go home! Laughter And I didnt notice

6、it for two years. Laughter我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。（观众笑，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the

7、public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, Hi, listen, if you don和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。”（观众笑，这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）And he was said to me, Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn tw

8、o languages? I said, Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese! LaughterApplause然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（观众狂笑，并鼓掌；中国当前是美国的最大债主。）When I graduated f

9、rom Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I cant do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. Laughter从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。因为在中国，我不可能有在这里干的最好的角色一个少数民族。And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Whos Benja

10、min Franklin? We were like, Ahh., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“是谁Benjamin Franklin？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（观众大笑，百元美钞上印着Benjamin Franklin的头像。Whats the second Amendment?“什么是第二修正案？”（观众狂笑，第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）What is Roe vs Wade?Ahh& , two ways of coming to the

11、Unite States?“Roe vs. Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思）Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. Laughter后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）An

12、d in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents income for early education and healthcare. Applause在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。（观众认同的笑）I read in the Mens Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio d

13、ays and 4 weight lifting days. You see, I dont have to exercise because I have health insurance. Laughter我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. Laughter Talk about mixed messag

14、es! Laughter I think there was a movie about him. Its called Kill Bill我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是杀死比尔（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案。Im honored to eh. meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. em, I actually read autobiography of you, and tod

15、ay I see you. I think the book is much better. LaughterApplause They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie. Laughter我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的哈开心），他们应该请布拉德皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜茱莉（观众大笑）。So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here ton

16、ight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. Laughter And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Laughter Take that Stephen Colbert!坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴

17、马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. and he accepted it. Laughter You cant be more badass tha

18、n that. LaughterApplause Well, actually, Im thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military. Laughter奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了（观众大笑）。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情（观众大笑）。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给

19、军队。We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Laughter Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. Laughter I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Laughter Only on a newspaper can you see just like, I was born in the year of the horse, and thats

20、why Im a neigh-sayer（nay-sayer）. Laughter My point exactly. Laughter我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思，观众笑）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channe

21、l I obvious always watch when I couldnt stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. Laughter If I cant still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, Laughter there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. LaughterApplause Thank you very much!今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则

22、是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.Applause oh, Thank you very much! eh. ApplauseAmerica is number one! Laughter Thats true! cause we won the World Series every year!2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。（下面观众鼓掌）谢谢

23、。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. Laughter You had me at Guess we can. Laughter That was their slogan. Laughter成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。（观众笑）这是他们

24、的口号。（观众大笑，此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip. Laughter and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.在奥巴马和拜登当选后，我感受到了权力的魅力。（观众笑）于是我就开始想，或许我也应该去竞选总统。Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had

25、 always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but its really hard to tell. Laughter好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。（观众大笑）But now we have a president who is

26、half black half white. That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. Laughter Two negatives make a positive. Laughter但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（观众大笑，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent

27、10 years in the past decade. Laughter Oh, you too? ok. Laughter So, I understand that American people are suffering. So, my campaign slogan will be, Who cares? （Hu Cares） Laughter你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who

28、 Cares：“谁在乎你”。If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。That will give me the youth vote. Laughter You see Im married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. Laughter So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, Laug