英语幽默笑话.docx

1、英语幽默笑话1、Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became a

2、ware of Marys heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is youre being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think youve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim,

3、 the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,hes dead.Mary replied, He didnt hang himself, I hung him up to dry.Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把Jim拉了上来。当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室,“Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入

4、水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了。坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”Mary说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”2、好消息坏消息！An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. Ive got good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired

5、 about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.Thats wonderful! the artist exclaimed, Whats the bad news?. With concern, the gallery owner replied, The guy was your doctor.一名艺术家问画廊老板,最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这

6、有好消息和坏消息,”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品,他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值,他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”“真是太好了”,艺术家是喜形于色,“那坏消息是什么?”带着关心的口吻,画廊老板回答,“买画的人是你的医生”。3、There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There werethree parrotsin the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000.The customer

7、asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? Thats so expensivefor this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he cantalk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do thatmakes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can alsodo

8、some amusing actions,like dancing and so on. Thats why hes so expensive.”Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes himso expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I dont know. Normally, I have neverheard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all! But t

9、he othertwo call him The Boss.”老板最大有个人到一间商店买鹦鹉。店里有三只鹦鹉，其中一只卖五千元，另一只卖一万元，还有一只卖三万元。顾客问老板：为什么这只要卖五千元？这个价钱对这种鹦鹉来说太贵了！老板说：因为我有训练他讲话。顾客又问：那这只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？老板说：他除了会说话之外，还会表演一些有趣的动作，好比说跳舞等等，所以才卖这么贵。顾客接着又问：那第三只呢？他会做什么？为什么要卖这么贵？老板说：我不知道。我从没听过他讲话、吹口哨或唱歌，也没看过他跳舞，什么都没有！不过另外两只叫他：老板！ 4、 Where is the egg?Teacher

10、:Can you make a sentence with the word egg?Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg?Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？学生：在蛋糕里，先生5、Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must

11、 be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over400 years.一名伟人老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗？学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。Mr. Smith: Waiter, theres a dead fly in my soup.Waiter: Yes, sir, I know-its the heat that kills it.史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, dont yo

12、u think youre getting too big to be forever begging fordimes?Son: I guess youre right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗？儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗？6、Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?No, sir, but you said yesterday that every

13、thing you told me went in oneear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it.“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”7、“Im sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to chargeyou twenty dollars for pulling your boys tooth .”“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you

14、 charged only fourdollars for such work!”“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared fourother patients out of the office .”“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”“20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”8、A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a bo

15、x of good apples at the side of the road. He said, I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat. Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust. He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could

16、not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, I cannot go to the rich mans house today, for I cannot get over the river. He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. Do not throw

17、good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。9、A Good

18、BoyLittle Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with themoney I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, heanswered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Hereare two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?She is the one who sells the candy.好孩子小罗伯特

19、向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”10、DrunkOne day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy wasinterested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, heasked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, d

20、ad? Well, myson, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. IfI regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad,the boy said, theres only ONE policeman!醉酒一天，父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”“可是

21、，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”11、Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor,who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took thepills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his timegetting to the office, strolled in a

22、nd said to his boss: I didnt have abit of trouble getting up this morning.Thats fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday andTuesday?安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”12、Big Head“All the kids make fun of me”t

23、he boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”“Dont listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”“Wheres the shopping bag?”“I havent got one,use your hat.”大脑袋“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”“别听他们的，”

24、他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”“购物袋在哪？”“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。” 13、Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. Look, said the elder brother. How nice these paintings are! Yes, said the younger, but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where

25、 is the father? The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, Obviously he was painting the pictures. 父亲在哪儿？ 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”14、Over reacted14、过分紧张My little girl loves animals，but one day she was bitt

26、en by a small field mouse shed found. She carried it home in her pocket and told me what happened. Worried about rabies，I called our town humane society and was told that the animal would have to be examined, and theyd send someone for it.我的小女儿喜欢动物。但有一天，她被一只她找到的小田鼠咬了一口。她把那小动物放在口袋里带了回来，并把所发生的一切都告诉了我。

27、由于害怕她被传染上鼠痊，我给镇上的私区医院打了电话。他们告诉我这个小动物应被检查一下，还说他们会派人去把它取走。When the humane-society truck pulled up，a big man got out，put on a pair of gauntlets and took a capture stick and a big cage from the back of the truck. Trying not to laugh, I handed him a small shoe box containing the mouse.社区医院的卡车停在了我家门口，一个大个

28、子下了车，他戴上了防护手套，从车的后箱里取出一根棍子和一个笼子。我尽量克制自己不笑出来，把那装有小田鼠的杜盒子递给了他。Lady，he said，seeing my expression, they only told me it was a wild animal. “太太，”当他看到我的表情时他说，“他们只告诉我说是好生动物。”15、The Lion and the Mouse 狮子与报恩的老鼠 A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him

29、and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness. The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The M

30、ouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth and set him free, exclaiming: You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion. 狮子睡着了，有只老

31、鼠跳到了他身上。狮子猛然站起来，把他抓住，准备吃掉。老鼠请求饶命，并说如果保住性命，必将报恩，狮子轻蔑地笑了笑，便把他放走了。不久，狮子真的被老鼠救了性命。原来狮子被一个猎人抓获，并用绳索把他捆在一棵树上。老鼠听到了他 的哀嚎，走过去咬断绳索，放走了狮子，并说： “你当时嘲笑我，不相信能得到我的报答， 现在可清楚了，老鼠也能报恩。” 这故事说明，时运交替变更，强者也会有需要弱者的时候。16.I dont know her well16.我对她不了解As a courier for an express delivery service，I tried to deliver a package that required refrigeration, but found no one home. I went to the house next door and told the woman who answered that I had a package for her neighbor.Oh，she works Monday through Friday and every other Saturday,“said the woman，“said the woman, and some Sundays. She