South Park901.docx

South Park901.docx

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SouthPark901

SouthPark

9.01-Mr.Garrison'sFancyNewVagina

[TrinidadMedicalCenter,day.Averymodern,futuristic-lookingbuildingisseenbehindthesign.Inside,adoctorapproachesapatient]

Doctor:

Hello,Mr.Garrison,I'mDr.Biber.I'llbeperformingyoursurgerytoday.

Mr.Garrison:

[onthehospitalbed,hislegsonstirrups]Godblessyou,Doctor.Iknowyou'llmakemewellagain.

Dr.Biber:

Now,you'reabsolutelysureyouwantavaginoplasty?

Mr.Garrison:

MywholelifeI'vebeenawomantrappedinaman'sbody.Asex-changeoperationismylastchanceathappiness.

Dr.Biber:

Allright,thenlet'sbegin.[POVchangestoMr.Garrisonlookingdownpasthisgroin.AnursehandsDr.Biberascalpel]Justrelax,Mr.Garrison.Ithinkifmorepeoplecouldjustseeasex-changeoperation,theywouldknowhowperfectlynaturalitis.ThefirstthingI'mgoingtodoissliceyourballs.[bendsdowntosliceopenMr.Garrison'snutsack-alivesliceisshown]

Mr.Garrison:

Ough,ergh.Eww.[hiseyesremainshutforthedurationoftheoperation]

Dr.Biber:

Withthescrotumopen,Icannowdiscardofyourtesticles.

Mr.Garrison:

Solong,balls.[thevasdeferensisshownbeingcutintwo,severingthetesticlefromtherestofthebody.AnursedabsDr.Biber'sforeheadwithatoweltoremoveanysweatthere]

Dr.Biber:

Now,I'lljustcontinuetheincisionuptheshaftofthepenis.[real-lifefootageisshown]

Mr.Garrison:

Oh,thatstings.

Dr.Biber:

NowI'lljust...turnyour...penisinsideout.

Mr.Garrison:

OH!

Ohjeez.

Dr.Biber:

Allweneedtodonowis...stuffthe...unskinnedpenisinsideyour...pelvis...AndnowI'llusetheskinfromyourpenistomakevaginallips.

Mr.Garrison:

DoIlooklikeawoman?

Dr.Biber:

[reviewingtheresults,thenholdsuphisleftthumb]Prettymuch.

[DenverConventionCenter,day.All-StateBasketballTryoutsarebeingheldthere.TODAY!

Stan,Kyle,CartmanandKennyshowupcourtsidethroughentrance51A.Kyle,#4,isinSouthParkElementary'sbasketballuniform.]

Stan:

Dude,don'tbenervous.

Kyle:

HowcanInotbenervous?

TryingoutfortheAll-Stateteamhasbeenmydreamforyears.

Stan:

You'rethebestplayeratourschool,dude.You'llmaketheteamforsure.

Cartman:

Thisisridiculous.Jewscan'tplaybasketball.

Kyle:

[pointsrightatCartman]IbeatoutYOURfatass,Cartman!

[areferee'swhistleisheard]

LeadReferee:

AllstudentstryingoutfortheAll-Stateteamtocentercourt!

[Kyleheadsforcentercourt]

Stan:

Goodluck.[Kylereachescentercourtandisflankedbytallblackplayersoneitherside.Helooksaround,seeinghowmuchtallertheseplayersarethanhe.Twoofthemhavebasketballs;Kylehashisownball]

Coach:

Allrightboys,nowyou'reallherebecauseyou'rethebestofthebest.[thecamerapansfromlefttoright,showingalltheplayers-andKyle'sheadfromthenoseup]Iknowthatyou'veallworkedreallyhardtomakeitthisfar,solet'sgetoutthereand[throwsabasketballatsomeone]SHOWMEWHATYOU'VEGOT!

[playbegins,andthetallerplayerskeeptheballawayfromKyle,thendrivetowardoneofthebaskets.Number32slsmstheballthroughthehoop.Theydrivetotheoppositebasket.Kylehastheballandshoots,buthisshotisrejected.Theplayersheadbacktothefirstbasket]Uh,uhexcuseme,Brof-Broflovski,isit?

Kyle:

Yeah?

Coach:

Canwetalktoyouforaminute?

[Kyleleavesthecourtandreachesthecoach]Youuh...You'rethebestplayerinyourschool,areya?

Kyle:

Yep!

Ilovebasketball.IwannaplayfortheDenverNuggetsoneday.

Coach:

Yeah.Uh,look,kid,you'vegotgreatskillsandagreatattitude.Butyou'rejustnotphysically...builtforthegame.

Kyle:

Oowhatayamean?

Coach:

Well,it'sjustthat...Jew'scan'tplaybasketball.[blowshiswhistleandreturnstotheotherplayers]Awwright,kids,we'vegottaworkonthatshooting!

Comeon!

[Kyleheadsoutthrough56Abutputshisheadagainstawall,deeplysaddeed.Kenny,StanandCartmanenter56AfromtheconcessionstandsandheadtowardsKyle]

Stan:

Dude,youwereawesome,Kyle.[noresponse.StanlooksatKenny,thenlooksbackatKyle]Look,y-yougaveityourbestshot,right?

That'sallyoucoulddo.[looksatKenny,shrugs,andwalksaway.Kennywalksover,putshishandonKyle'sshoulderforconsolation,thenwalksaway.Cartmanlooksabitconcerned,walksovertoKyle...andtauntshim!

]

Cartman:

Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!

You-hoo-hoo-hooloh-ost!

Hahahahahaaahaaa!

[Noresponse.Cartmancan'tgetariseoutofKyle]Kyle,I'mtotallyrippingonyouatatotallyinappropriatetime.

Kyle:

Iknow.Ideserveit.

Cartman:

Yeah,youknowwhy?

BecauseJewscan'tplaybasketball!

Kyle:

You'reright.[thisdisarmsCartmancompletely,andhewalksaway]Jesus,thatwasfun...

[Henry'sSupermarket,day.Anormalshoppingdayuntil...]

Man:

[burststhroughthemainentrance]Heyeverybody,you'renotgonnabelieveit!

Randy:

Believewhat?

Man:

It'sMr.Garrison!

OnlyitISN'TMr.Garrison!

He-He'sawomannow!

[thedoorsopenagainandMr.Garrisonstrutsinwithanewwomanlybodyandpurse.Hestrikesaposetoshowoffhiswomanlyass.Fromhereon,he'sMrs.Garrison]

Mrs.Garrison:

Helloeverybody!

[everyoneisshocked.Shegoesfurtherintothestoreandapproachestwofemaleshoppers]Canyoubelieveitladies?

I'moneofYOUnow!

[hugsthem,thenheadstotheFeminineHygieneaisle]Wow,justlookatallthesetampons!

Regular,heaveflow-Ohboy,Ican'twaittillIgetmyfirstperiod!

[trotsoff.]

[Theladies'restroom,momentslater.Mrs.Garrisonentershummingandtakesanemptyspotalongthesinks.]

Mrs.Garrison:

Higals!

[opensherpurseandbeginsputtingonmakeup]Ohboy,canyoubelievethesalesthey'rehavin'outthere?

Well,I'mabouttopeeoutmyvaginaforthefirsttime.[hugsthem]Giveusahug.Girls'Club!

[letsthemgoandgoesintoastall,closesthedoor,dropsherpantsandsitsdown.Sheurinates.Thetwoladiesatthesinklookateachother,thentowardsthestall]Ohwow!

Thisisgreat!

Lookatthat,I'mpeeingsittin'downlikeadaintydignifiedlittlewoman!

[beginstofartandpoop.Thewomen'sjawsdrop]Sany,anyofyouladieswannagoseeasadmovietogether?

[Thewomenpresentleavetherestroomonebyone:

theblondefirst,thentheonewithlightbrownhair,thentheoneexitingthestallleftofMrs.Garrisonholdinghernose,thentheoneexitingthestallrightofMrs.Garrisonholdinghernose.Thefartingandpoopingisjusttoomuch]Youguystrythosenewwingstampons?

Dothoseworkwell?

[SouthPark,day.ASouithParkCharterTransitbusstopsandletsStanandhisfriendsoff.Kylewalksaheadofthemingloomysilence]

Stan:

Kyle,youhavetocheerup,dude.Soyouaren'tbuiltrightforbasketball.

Kyle:

ButIfeellikeabasketballplayer.That'sallIwannado.[Mrs.Garrisonappearsbeforethem]

Mrs.Garrison:

Hello,boys!

It'sme,yourteacher!

Mrs.Garrison!

[herfingersarefannedoutandshestrikesthatposeagain.Theboysarestunned]

Cartman:

Youguys,Mr.Garrisonhastitties.

Mrs.Garrison:

[movingherhandsoverherbodyasifsheddingalayerofskin]Ihadasex-chamgeoperation.MypenisisnowavaginaandI'mexperiencingwomanhoodforthefirsttimeinmylife!

Seeyainclass!

[sauntersoff]

[Kyle'shouse,dinnertime.Thefamilyisattableeating]

Kyle:

Mom?

Dad?

What'sasex-changeoperation?

Gerald:

[takenaback]What?

Th'um,nuh-nothing.I-I'llexplainittoyouwhenyou'realittleolder.

Kyle:

Butourteacher,Mr.Garrison?

Hejusthadhispenismadeintoavagina.Howcome?

Ike:

Penis!

Gerald:

Yourteacherhadasexchange?

?

OhmyGod!

[burieshisfaceinhishands]

Ike:

Vagina!

Gerald:

Thatdoesit!

I'mtakingyouboysOUTOFTHATSCHOOL!

[sweepshisleftarmacrossthetable]

Sheila:

Gerald,thatisveryclosed-mindedofyou!

Youshouldn'tjudgepeoplewhowanttochange.

Gerald:

He'sateacher!

Howarewesupposedtoexplainthistoourchildren?

!

Sheila:

[walksoverandstandsbehindKyle]It'sverysimple.[addressesKyle]Yousee,Kyle,sometimesaperson'outsidedoesn'treflectwhotheyareontheinside.

Kyle:

Yeah.That'sright.

Sheila:

Theyfeellikethey'resomebodytrappedinanotherperson'sbody.Andso,theycanhaveasurgery[Kylesmilesandpasseshishandsoverpartsofhisbodyhe'dchange]thatmakesthemmoreintothepersontheyseethemselvesas.Doyouunderstand?

Kyle:

Totally!

Itotallyunderstand!

Sheila:

There.Yousee,Gerald?

Hetotallyunderstands.

[TrinidadMedicalCenter,day.Dr.Bibersitsbehindhisdesk]

Dr.Biber:

So,Ihearyou'reinterestedinreconstructivesurgery.

Kyle:

Yeah.Myschoolteacherwantedtobeawoman,andyoumadehimintoone.

Dr.Biber:

Ohyes,Mr.Garrison.Uhyes,hehadavaginoplasty.Mhm.

Kyle:

Well,doyoualsodoothersurgerieslikethat?

Dr.Biber:

Sure.Youseesometimesawomanwantstobeaman.Thatprocedureiscalledapeniplasty.

Kyle:

No,no,uhIwannabetallandblack.

Dr.Biber:

...Youwhat?

Kyle:

IhatebeingsmallandJewish.Ifeellikeatallblackman.

Dr.Biber:

[triestomakesenseofthisinhismind,then]Ohhhhh!

Youwantanegroplasty!

Kyle:

Yeah!

[biggrin]

Stan:

Wha-a-anegroplasty?

?

Dr.Biber:

It'safairlycommonprocedure,really,justthereverseofacaucasioplastyjustlikeMichaelJacksonhad.Let'stakealookhere.[KylefollowsDr.Biber.Stantailsalong.Dr.BiberstopsandbendsdowntowardsKyle,takingoffhishat]Whatwedoissliceyourfaceandpeelitbacksowecaninsertnowpig-mentproducingcellsinside.[draws