South Park901.docx
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SouthPark901
SouthPark
9.01-Mr.Garrison'sFancyNewVagina
[TrinidadMedicalCenter,day.Averymodern,futuristic-lookingbuildingisseenbehindthesign.Inside,adoctorapproachesapatient]
Doctor:
Hello,Mr.Garrison,I'mDr.Biber.I'llbeperformingyoursurgerytoday.
Mr.Garrison:
[onthehospitalbed,hislegsonstirrups]Godblessyou,Doctor.Iknowyou'llmakemewellagain.
Dr.Biber:
Now,you'reabsolutelysureyouwantavaginoplasty?
Mr.Garrison:
MywholelifeI'vebeenawomantrappedinaman'sbody.Asex-changeoperationismylastchanceathappiness.
Dr.Biber:
Allright,thenlet'sbegin.[POVchangestoMr.Garrisonlookingdownpasthisgroin.AnursehandsDr.Biberascalpel]Justrelax,Mr.Garrison.Ithinkifmorepeoplecouldjustseeasex-changeoperation,theywouldknowhowperfectlynaturalitis.ThefirstthingI'mgoingtodoissliceyourballs.[bendsdowntosliceopenMr.Garrison'snutsack-alivesliceisshown]
Mr.Garrison:
Ough,ergh.Eww.[hiseyesremainshutforthedurationoftheoperation]
Dr.Biber:
Withthescrotumopen,Icannowdiscardofyourtesticles.
Mr.Garrison:
Solong,balls.[thevasdeferensisshownbeingcutintwo,severingthetesticlefromtherestofthebody.AnursedabsDr.Biber'sforeheadwithatoweltoremoveanysweatthere]
Dr.Biber:
Now,I'lljustcontinuetheincisionuptheshaftofthepenis.[real-lifefootageisshown]
Mr.Garrison:
Oh,thatstings.
Dr.Biber:
NowI'lljust...turnyour...penisinsideout.
Mr.Garrison:
OH!
Ohjeez.
Dr.Biber:
Allweneedtodonowis...stuffthe...unskinnedpenisinsideyour...pelvis...AndnowI'llusetheskinfromyourpenistomakevaginallips.
Mr.Garrison:
DoIlooklikeawoman?
Dr.Biber:
[reviewingtheresults,thenholdsuphisleftthumb]Prettymuch.
[DenverConventionCenter,day.All-StateBasketballTryoutsarebeingheldthere.TODAY!
Stan,Kyle,CartmanandKennyshowupcourtsidethroughentrance51A.Kyle,#4,isinSouthParkElementary'sbasketballuniform.]
Stan:
Dude,don'tbenervous.
Kyle:
HowcanInotbenervous?
TryingoutfortheAll-Stateteamhasbeenmydreamforyears.
Stan:
You'rethebestplayeratourschool,dude.You'llmaketheteamforsure.
Cartman:
Thisisridiculous.Jewscan'tplaybasketball.
Kyle:
[pointsrightatCartman]IbeatoutYOURfatass,Cartman!
[areferee'swhistleisheard]
LeadReferee:
AllstudentstryingoutfortheAll-Stateteamtocentercourt!
[Kyleheadsforcentercourt]
Stan:
Goodluck.[Kylereachescentercourtandisflankedbytallblackplayersoneitherside.Helooksaround,seeinghowmuchtallertheseplayersarethanhe.Twoofthemhavebasketballs;Kylehashisownball]
Coach:
Allrightboys,nowyou'reallherebecauseyou'rethebestofthebest.[thecamerapansfromlefttoright,showingalltheplayers-andKyle'sheadfromthenoseup]Iknowthatyou'veallworkedreallyhardtomakeitthisfar,solet'sgetoutthereand[throwsabasketballatsomeone]SHOWMEWHATYOU'VEGOT!
[playbegins,andthetallerplayerskeeptheballawayfromKyle,thendrivetowardoneofthebaskets.Number32slsmstheballthroughthehoop.Theydrivetotheoppositebasket.Kylehastheballandshoots,buthisshotisrejected.Theplayersheadbacktothefirstbasket]Uh,uhexcuseme,Brof-Broflovski,isit?
Kyle:
Yeah?
Coach:
Canwetalktoyouforaminute?
[Kyleleavesthecourtandreachesthecoach]Youuh...You'rethebestplayerinyourschool,areya?
Kyle:
Yep!
Ilovebasketball.IwannaplayfortheDenverNuggetsoneday.
Coach:
Yeah.Uh,look,kid,you'vegotgreatskillsandagreatattitude.Butyou'rejustnotphysically...builtforthegame.
Kyle:
Oowhatayamean?
Coach:
Well,it'sjustthat...Jew'scan'tplaybasketball.[blowshiswhistleandreturnstotheotherplayers]Awwright,kids,we'vegottaworkonthatshooting!
Comeon!
[Kyleheadsoutthrough56Abutputshisheadagainstawall,deeplysaddeed.Kenny,StanandCartmanenter56AfromtheconcessionstandsandheadtowardsKyle]
Stan:
Dude,youwereawesome,Kyle.[noresponse.StanlooksatKenny,thenlooksbackatKyle]Look,y-yougaveityourbestshot,right?
That'sallyoucoulddo.[looksatKenny,shrugs,andwalksaway.Kennywalksover,putshishandonKyle'sshoulderforconsolation,thenwalksaway.Cartmanlooksabitconcerned,walksovertoKyle...andtauntshim!
]
Cartman:
Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!
You-hoo-hoo-hooloh-ost!
Hahahahahaaahaaa!
[Noresponse.Cartmancan'tgetariseoutofKyle]Kyle,I'mtotallyrippingonyouatatotallyinappropriatetime.
Kyle:
Iknow.Ideserveit.
Cartman:
Yeah,youknowwhy?
BecauseJewscan'tplaybasketball!
Kyle:
You'reright.[thisdisarmsCartmancompletely,andhewalksaway]Jesus,thatwasfun...
[Henry'sSupermarket,day.Anormalshoppingdayuntil...]
Man:
[burststhroughthemainentrance]Heyeverybody,you'renotgonnabelieveit!
Randy:
Believewhat?
Man:
It'sMr.Garrison!
OnlyitISN'TMr.Garrison!
He-He'sawomannow!
[thedoorsopenagainandMr.Garrisonstrutsinwithanewwomanlybodyandpurse.Hestrikesaposetoshowoffhiswomanlyass.Fromhereon,he'sMrs.Garrison]
Mrs.Garrison:
Helloeverybody!
[everyoneisshocked.Shegoesfurtherintothestoreandapproachestwofemaleshoppers]Canyoubelieveitladies?
I'moneofYOUnow!
[hugsthem,thenheadstotheFeminineHygieneaisle]Wow,justlookatallthesetampons!
Regular,heaveflow-Ohboy,Ican'twaittillIgetmyfirstperiod!
[trotsoff.]
[Theladies'restroom,momentslater.Mrs.Garrisonentershummingandtakesanemptyspotalongthesinks.]
Mrs.Garrison:
Higals!
[opensherpurseandbeginsputtingonmakeup]Ohboy,canyoubelievethesalesthey'rehavin'outthere?
Well,I'mabouttopeeoutmyvaginaforthefirsttime.[hugsthem]Giveusahug.Girls'Club!
[letsthemgoandgoesintoastall,closesthedoor,dropsherpantsandsitsdown.Sheurinates.Thetwoladiesatthesinklookateachother,thentowardsthestall]Ohwow!
Thisisgreat!
Lookatthat,I'mpeeingsittin'downlikeadaintydignifiedlittlewoman!
[beginstofartandpoop.Thewomen'sjawsdrop]Sany,anyofyouladieswannagoseeasadmovietogether?
[Thewomenpresentleavetherestroomonebyone:
theblondefirst,thentheonewithlightbrownhair,thentheoneexitingthestallleftofMrs.Garrisonholdinghernose,thentheoneexitingthestallrightofMrs.Garrisonholdinghernose.Thefartingandpoopingisjusttoomuch]Youguystrythosenewwingstampons?
Dothoseworkwell?
[SouthPark,day.ASouithParkCharterTransitbusstopsandletsStanandhisfriendsoff.Kylewalksaheadofthemingloomysilence]
Stan:
Kyle,youhavetocheerup,dude.Soyouaren'tbuiltrightforbasketball.
Kyle:
ButIfeellikeabasketballplayer.That'sallIwannado.[Mrs.Garrisonappearsbeforethem]
Mrs.Garrison:
Hello,boys!
It'sme,yourteacher!
Mrs.Garrison!
[herfingersarefannedoutandshestrikesthatposeagain.Theboysarestunned]
Cartman:
Youguys,Mr.Garrisonhastitties.
Mrs.Garrison:
[movingherhandsoverherbodyasifsheddingalayerofskin]Ihadasex-chamgeoperation.MypenisisnowavaginaandI'mexperiencingwomanhoodforthefirsttimeinmylife!
Seeyainclass!
[sauntersoff]
[Kyle'shouse,dinnertime.Thefamilyisattableeating]
Kyle:
Mom?
Dad?
What'sasex-changeoperation?
Gerald:
[takenaback]What?
Th'um,nuh-nothing.I-I'llexplainittoyouwhenyou'realittleolder.
Kyle:
Butourteacher,Mr.Garrison?
Hejusthadhispenismadeintoavagina.Howcome?
Ike:
Penis!
Gerald:
Yourteacherhadasexchange?
?
OhmyGod!
[burieshisfaceinhishands]
Ike:
Vagina!
Gerald:
Thatdoesit!
I'mtakingyouboysOUTOFTHATSCHOOL!
[sweepshisleftarmacrossthetable]
Sheila:
Gerald,thatisveryclosed-mindedofyou!
Youshouldn'tjudgepeoplewhowanttochange.
Gerald:
He'sateacher!
Howarewesupposedtoexplainthistoourchildren?
!
Sheila:
[walksoverandstandsbehindKyle]It'sverysimple.[addressesKyle]Yousee,Kyle,sometimesaperson'outsidedoesn'treflectwhotheyareontheinside.
Kyle:
Yeah.That'sright.
Sheila:
Theyfeellikethey'resomebodytrappedinanotherperson'sbody.Andso,theycanhaveasurgery[Kylesmilesandpasseshishandsoverpartsofhisbodyhe'dchange]thatmakesthemmoreintothepersontheyseethemselvesas.Doyouunderstand?
Kyle:
Totally!
Itotallyunderstand!
Sheila:
There.Yousee,Gerald?
Hetotallyunderstands.
[TrinidadMedicalCenter,day.Dr.Bibersitsbehindhisdesk]
Dr.Biber:
So,Ihearyou'reinterestedinreconstructivesurgery.
Kyle:
Yeah.Myschoolteacherwantedtobeawoman,andyoumadehimintoone.
Dr.Biber:
Ohyes,Mr.Garrison.Uhyes,hehadavaginoplasty.Mhm.
Kyle:
Well,doyoualsodoothersurgerieslikethat?
Dr.Biber:
Sure.Youseesometimesawomanwantstobeaman.Thatprocedureiscalledapeniplasty.
Kyle:
No,no,uhIwannabetallandblack.
Dr.Biber:
...Youwhat?
Kyle:
IhatebeingsmallandJewish.Ifeellikeatallblackman.
Dr.Biber:
[triestomakesenseofthisinhismind,then]Ohhhhh!
Youwantanegroplasty!
Kyle:
Yeah!
[biggrin]
Stan:
Wha-a-anegroplasty?
?
Dr.Biber:
It'safairlycommonprocedure,really,justthereverseofacaucasioplastyjustlikeMichaelJacksonhad.Let'stakealookhere.[KylefollowsDr.Biber.Stantailsalong.Dr.BiberstopsandbendsdowntowardsKyle,takingoffhishat]Whatwedoissliceyourfaceandpeelitbacksowecaninsertnowpig-mentproducingcellsinside.[draws