英文幽默笑话.docx
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英文幽默笑话
1.猫和老鼠
——MrsBrownwenttovisitoneofherfriendandcarriedasmallboxwithholespunchedinthetop.
——"What'sinyourbox?
"askedthefriend.
——"Acat,"answeredMrsBrown."YouseeI'vebeendreamingaboutmiceatnightandI'msoscared!
Thiscatistocatchthem."
—— "Butthemiceareonlyimaginary,"saidthefriend.
——"Soisthecat,"whisperedMrsBrown.
布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友,她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。
“盒子里装的是什么?
”朋友问道。
“一只小猫,”布朗夫人回答说,“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠,我非常害怕。
这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。
”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。
”朋友说。
“小猫也是假想的。
”布朗夫人小声说道。
2.ReachedShoreFast快速靠岸
AguyIknowwastowinghisboathomefromafishingtriptoLakeHuronwhenhiscarbrokedown.Hedidn'thavehiscellphonewithhim,buthethoughtmaybehemightbeabletoraisesomeoneonhismarineradiotocallforroadsideassistance.Heclimbedintohisboat,clickedontheradioandsaid,"Mayday,mayday."ACoastGuardofficercameonandsaid,"Stateyourlocation.""I-75,twomilessouthofStandish."Afteraverylongpause,theofficerasked,"Howfastwereyougoingwhenyoureachedshore?
"
在休伦湖钓完鱼后,我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。
路上车坏了。
他没带手机,不过,他想,也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。
于是,他爬到他的船里面,启动了无线装置,喊道,“求救,求救”。
一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应,“报告你的位置”。
“I-75号公路,Standish的南面两英里”。
沉默了好一会之后,警官问我的朋友,“你的船靠岸时开得有多快?
”
3.TheMeanMan'sParty
吝啬鬼的聚会
Thenotoriouscheapskatefinallydecidedtohaveaparty.Explainingtoafriendhowtofindhisapartment,hesaid,"Comeuptothefifthfloorandringthedoorbellwithyourelbow.Whenthedooropen,pushwithyourfoot."
"Whyusemyelbowandfoot?
"
"Well,gosh,"wasthereply,"You'renotcomingempty-handed,areyou?
"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。
他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:
“你上到五楼,用你的胳膊肘按门铃。
门开了后,再用你的脚把门推开。
”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?
”
“天哪!
”吝啬鬼回答,“你总不会空着手来吧?
”
4.Talkingclock会说话的钟
——Whileproudlyshowingoffhisnewapartmenttofriends,acollegestudentledthewayintotheden."Whatisthebigbrassgongandhammerfor?
"oneofhisfriendsasked."Thatisthetalkingclock,"themanreplied."How'sitwork?
"
——"Watch,"themansaidandproceededtogivethegonganearshatteringpoundwiththehammer.Suddenly,someonescreamedfromtheothersideofthewall,"Knockitoff,youidiot!
It'stwoo'clockinthemorning!
"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓,甚是得意。
“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?
”他的一个朋友问他。
“那玩意儿厉害了,那是一个会说话的钟”,学生回答。
“这钟怎么工作的”,他的朋友问。
“看着,别眨眼了”,那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子,拼命地敲了一下,声音震耳欲聋。
突然,他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫,“别敲了,你这白痴!
现在是凌晨两点钟了!
”
5.那就更糟了MuchWorse
----Policeman:
Whydidn'tyoushoutforhelpwhenyouwererobbedofyourwatch?
----Man:
IfIhadopenedmymouth,they'dhavefoundmyfourgoldteeth.Thatwouldbemuchworse.
警察:
有人抢你的手表时,你为什么不呼救呢?
男子:
要是我张口的话,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。
那就更糟了。
6.需要推一下吗Needapush?
——Amanisinbedasleepwithhiswifewhenthereisarat-a-tat-tatonthedoor.
——Herollsoverandlooksathisclock,andit'shalfpastthreeinthemorning."I'mnotgettingoutofbedatthistime",hethinks,androllsover.
——Then,alouderknockfollows."Aren'tyougoingtoanswerthat?
"sayshiswife.
——Sohedragshimselfoutofbed,andgoesdownstairs.
——Heopensthedoorandthereismanstandingthere.Itdidn'ttakethehomeownerlongtorealizethemanwasdrunk.
——"Hithere."slursthestranger,"Canyougivemeapush?
?
"
——"No,getlost(走开!
),it'shalfpastthree.Iwasinbed."saysthemanandslamsthedoor.
——Hegoesbackuptobedandtellshiswifewhathappenedandshesays"Dave,thatwasn'tveryniceofyou.Rememberthatnightwebrokedownonthepouringrainonthewaytopickthekidsupfromthebaby-sitterandyouhadtoknockonthatman'shousetogetusstartedagain?
Whatwouldhavehappenedifhe'dtoldustogetlost?
?
"
——"Buttheguywasdrunk."saysthehusband.
——"Itdoesn'tmatter."saysthewife."Heneedsourhelp,therightthingtodowouldbetohelphim."
——Sothehusbandoutofbedagain,getsdressed,andgoesdownstairs.Heopensthedoor,andnotbeingabletoseethestrangeranywhereheshouts:
"Hey,doyoustillwantapush?
?
"andhehearsavoicecryout"Yeahplease."
——So,stillbeingunabletoseethestrangerheshouts:
"Whereareyou?
"
——Andthestrangerreplies:
"I'moverhere,onyourswing(秋千)."
7.IknowwhoGodis!
Aboysaystohermother,"Mom,isGodamanorwoman?
"
Themomthinksawhileandsays,"Well,son,Godisbothmanandwoman."
Thesonisconfused,soheasks,"IsGodblackorwhite?
"
Themotherreplies,"Godisbothblackandwhite,honey."
Theson,stillcurious,saysafterawhile,"IsGodgayorstraight,mommy?
"
Themother,gettingalittleworried,answers,"Son,Godisbothgayand
straight.
Thesonthinksaboutit,andhisfacelightsupwhenhethinkshefinallyhas
answeredhisquestion:
"IsGodMichaelJackson?
"
儿子:
妈妈,上帝是白人还是黑人?
妈妈:
宝贝,上帝是白人也是黑人!
儿子:
那上帝是男人还是女人?
妈妈:
宝贝,上帝是男人也是女人!
儿子:
哦。
我知道了,上帝是迈克尔·杰克逊!
8.TwoLinesInHeaven
Everybodyonearthdiesandgoestoheaven.
Godcomesandsays"Iwantthementomaketwolines.
Onelineforthementhatdominatedtheirwomenonearth
andtheotherlineforthementhatwerewhippedbytheirwomen.
Also,IwantallthewomentogowithStPeter."
Saidanddone,andtherearetwolines.Thelineofthemen
thatwerewhippedwas100mileslong,
andthelineofmenthatdominatedwomen,therewasonlyoneman.
Godgotmadandsaid."Youmenshouldbeashamedofyourselves.
Icreatedyouinmyimageandyouwereallwhippedbyyourmates.
Lookattheonlyoneofmysonsthatstoodupandmademeproud.
Learnfromhim!
Tellthem,myson,
howdidyoumanagetobetheonlyoneonthatline?
"
——Themansaid,"Idon'tknow,mywifetoldmetostandhere."
世上的每一个人都上了天堂神说:
"要男人分成两队,一是在世上控制女人的男人,另一是被女人鞭打的男人,另外女子自成一队,跟着圣彼德去."
队伍列好后,一是被女人鞭打的,有100英里长,一是在世上控制女人的,仅有一人.
神生气的说:
"你们男人应该感到羞耻,我按照自己的形象创造了你们,而你们被女子鞭打.看看,我唯一的儿子,站着使我骄傲.你们应该向他学习.告诉他们,儿子,你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的?
"
这男子回说:
"我不知道,我太太叫我站在这的!
"
9.ProofthatGirlsareevil
证明女孩是魔鬼
1:
Firstwestatethatgirlsrequiremoneyandtime
Girls=TimexMoney
2:
Andweallknow:
timeismoney
Girls=MoneyxMoney=Money^2
3:
Andbecausemoneyistherootofallevil
Money=Evil^0.5
Therefore:
Girls=(Evil^0.5)^2
4:
Andweareforcedtoconcludethat
Girls=Evil
See?
Itoldyou.:
)
--Whateverlifebringsyou,bringiton!
10.Alittleboyaskedhisfather:
Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?
Thefatherreplied:
Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpaying!
!
一个小男孩问他的爸爸,结婚要花多少钱?
爸爸说:
我不知道,因为我仍然在付帐。
NOTE:
pay这个词不仅是付帐的意思,还有付出代价的意思,比如hemustpayforwhathedid.他必须为他做的付出代价。
11.JonesieTheGreatLionHunter伟大的猎手Jonesie
Asmallvillagewastroubledbyaman-eatinglion.Soitsleaderssentamessagetothegreathunter,Jonesie,tocomeandkillthebeast.
Forseveralnightsthehunterlayinwaitforthelion,butitneverappeared.Finally,hetoldthevillagechieftokillacowandgivehimitshide.Drapingtheskinoverhisshoulders,hewenttothepasturetowaitforthelion.
Inthemiddleofthenight,thevillagerswoketothesoundofblood-curdlingshriekscomingfromthepasture.Astheycarefullyapproached,theysawthehunterontheground,groaninginpain.Therewasnosignofthelion.
"Whathappened,Jonesie?
Whereisthelion?
"askedthechief.
"Forgetthedamnlion!
"hehowled."Whichoneofyouidiotsletthebullloose?
"
有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。
于是,村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。
猎手躺着等了几个晚上,但狮子一直没有出现。
最后,他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。
把羊皮披在身上后,猎人到草原上去等狮子。
半夜,村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。
他们小心地靠近后,看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。
没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。
“Jonesie,怎么了?
狮子在哪?
”村长问。
“哪有狮子!
”猎人怒吼道,“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了?
”
12.AskingforaRaise要求加薪
AttheradiostationwhereIworked,themanagercalledmeintohisofficetopreviewanewsound-effectspackagewewereconsideringpurchasing.Heclosedthedoorsowewouldn'tbotherpeopleintheouteroffice.
Afterlisteningtoafewroutinesoundeffects,westartedplayingaroundwithlowmoans,maniacalscreams,hystericallaughter,pleadingandgunshots.WhenIfinallyopenedthedoorandpassedthemanager'ssecretary,shelookedupandinquired,"Askingforaraiseagain?
"
我在一家电台工作。
经理把我叫进他的办公室,让我预试一下我们准备购买的一套新的音响效果设备。
他关上门,以免打扰外面办公室的人。
听了几个常规的音响效果后,我们开始试听低声的呻吟,狂乱的尖叫,歇斯底里的大笑,哀求逺和枪声。
最后我开门出去,从经理秘书旁边经过时,她抬起头问道:
“又要求加薪了?
”
13.Creative创造性
Applyingformyfirstjob,IrealizedIhadtobecreativeinlistingmyfewqualifications.Askedaboutadditionalschoolingandtraining,IansweredtruthfullythatIhadspentthreeyearsincomputerprogrammingclasses.Igotthejob.
IhadneglectedtomentionthatItookthesamecourseforthreeyearsbeforeIpassed.
第一次求职时,我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时,得有点创造性。
当问及我是否受过其它的培训时,我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。
我得到了那份工作。
我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。
14.DidYouKnowHim?
你认识他吗?
——Atadinnerpartyinthehomeoffriends,ourhostmentionedhishighschoolalmamater.Oneoftheguestsaskedhimifhehadbeenastudentthereatthesametimeasaparticularviceprincipal.
——"Isurewas!
"answeredthehost."He'sthebiggestjerkI'veevermet.Didyouknowhimtoo?
"
——"Sortof,"repliedtheguest."MymothermarriedhimlastSaturday."
在朋友家的一次宴会上,主人提起一位高中时的校友。
一位客人问他读书期间,某位副校长是否也在职。
“当然了,”主人答道。
“他是我见过的最大的混蛋。
你也认识他吗?
”
“有点认识,”客人回答。
“我妈妈上周六嫁给了他。
”
15.HowMuchIsIt?
多少钱?
——Itwaswinter,andMrs.Hermannwantedtodoalotofshopping,soshewaiteduntilitwasSaturday,whenherhusbandwasfree,andshetookhimtotheshopswithhertopayforeverythingandtocarryherparcels.Theywenttoalotofshops,andMrs.Hermannboughtalotofthings.Sheoftenstoppedandsaid,"Look,Joe!
Isn'tthatbeautiful!
"
——Hethenanswered,"Allright,dear,Howmuchisit?
"andtookhismoneyouttopayforit.
——Itwasdarkwhentheycameoutofthelastshop,andMr.Hermannwastiredandthinkingaboutotherthings,likeanicedrinkbythesideofawarmfireathome.Suddenlyhiswifelookedupattheskyandsaid,"Lookatthatbeautifulmoon,Joe!
"