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LoveisaFallacy课文
LoveisaFallacy
MaxShulman
1CharlesLamb,asmerryandenterprisingafellowasyouwillmeet
inamonthofSundays,unfetteredtheinformalessaywithhismemorable
OldChinaandDream'sChildren.Therefollowsaninformalessaythat
venturesevenbeyondLamb'sfrontier,indeed,"informal"maynotbequite
therightwordtodescribethisessay;"limp"or"flaccid"orpossibly
"spongy"areperhapsmoreappropriate.
2Vaguethoughitscategory,itiswithoutdoubtanessay.Itdevelops
anargument;itcitesinstances;itreachesaconclusion.CouldCarlyle
domore?
CouldRuskin?
3Read,then,thefollowingessaywhichundertakestodemonstrate
thatlogic,farfrombeingadry,pedanticdiscipline,isaliving,
breathingthing,fullofbeauty,passion,andtrauma--Author'sNote
4CoolwasIandlogical.Keen,calculating,perspicacious,acute
andastute--Iwasallofthese.Mybrainwasaspowerfulasadynamo,
aspreciseasachemist'sscales,aspenetratingasascalpel.And--think
ofit!
--Iwasonlyeighteen.
5Itisnotoftenthatonesoyounghassuchagiantintellect.Take,
forexample,PeteyButch,myroommateattheUniversityofMinnesota.
Sameage,samebackground,butdumbasanox.Aniceenoughyoungfellow,
youunderstand,butnothingupstairs.Emotionaltype.Unstable.
Impressionable.Worstofall,afaddist.Fads,Isubmit,arethevery
negationofreason.Tobesweptupineverynewcrazethatesalong,to
surrenderyourselftoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoing
it--this,tome,istheacmeofmindlessness.Not,however,toPetey.
6OneafternoonIfoundPeteylyingonhisbedwithanexpression
ofsuchdistressonhisfacethatIimmediatelydiagnosedappendicitis.
"Don'tmove,"Isaid."Don'ttakealaxative.I'llgetadoctor."
7"Raccoon,"hemumbledthickly.
8"Raccoon?
"Isaid,pausinginmyflight.
9"1wantaraccooncoat,"hewailed.
10Iperceivedthathistroublewasnotphysical,butmental."Whydoyouwantaraccooncoat?
"
11"1shouldhaveknownit,"hecried,poundinghistemples."1shouldhaveknownthey'debackwhentheCharlestoncameback.LikeafoolI
spentallmymoneyfortextbooks,andnowIcan'tgetaraccooncoat."12"Canyoumean."Isaidincredulously,"thatpeopleareactually
wearingraccooncoatsagain?
"
13"AlltheBigMenonCampusarewearingthem.Where'veyoubeen?
"
14"Inthelibrary,"Isaid,namingaplacenotfrequentedbyBigMenonCampus
15Heleapedfromthebedandpacedtheroom,"I'vegottohavea
raccooncoat,"hesaidpassionately."I'vegotto!
"
16"Petey,why?
Lookatitrationally.Raccooncoatsareunsanitary.
Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweighttoomuch.They'reunsightly.
They--"
17"Youdon'tunderstand,"heinterruptedimpatiently."It'sthethingtodo.Don'tyouwanttobeintheswim?
"
18
"No,"Isaidtruthfully.
19"Well,Ido,"hedeclared."I'dgiveanythingforaraccooncoat.
Anything!
"
20
Mybrain,thatprecisioninstrument,slippedintohighgear.
"Anything?
"Iasked,lookingathimnarrowly.
21
"Anything,"heaffirmedinringingtones.
22
Istrokedmychinthoughtfully.ItsohappenedthatIknewwhere
tosetmyhandsonaraccooncoat.Myfatherhadhadoneinhis
undergraduatedays;it
laynowin
atrunk
in
theattic
backhome.It
also
happenedthatPeteyhadsomethingIwanted.Hedidn'thaveitexactly,
butatleasthehadfirstrightsonit.Irefertohisgirl,PollyEspy.
23
IhadlongcovetedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesire
forthisyoungwomanwasnotemotionalinnature.Shewas,tobesure,
agirlwhoexcitedtheemotionsbutIwasnotonetoletmyheartrule
myhead.IwantedPollyforashrewdlycalculated,entirelycerebral
reason.
24
Iwasafreshmaninlawschool.InafewyearsIwouldbeoutin
practice.Iwaswellawareoftheimportanceoftherightkindofwife
infurtheringalawyer'scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobserved
were,almostwithoutexception,marriedtobeautiful,gracious,
intelligent
women.Withoneomission,Polly
fitted
thesespecifications
perfectly.
25
Beautifulshewas.Shewasnotyetofpin-upproportionsbutI
feltsurethattimewouldsupplythelackShealreadyhadthemakings.
26
Graciousshewas.BygraciousImeanfullofgraces.Shehadan
erectness
ofcarriage,
aneaseof
bearing,
apoise
that
clearly
indicated
thebestofbreeding,Attablehermannerswereexquisite.Ihadseen
herattheKozyKampusKornereatingthespecialtyofthehouse--a
sandwichthatcontainedscrapsofpotroast,gravy,choppednuts,and
adipperofsauerkraut--withoutevengettingherfingersmoist.
27
Intelligentshewasnot.infact,sheveeredintheopposite
direction.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanceshewouldsmartenup.
Atanyrate,itwasworthatry.Itis,afterall,easiertomakea
beautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.
28
"Petey,"Isaid,"areyouinlovewithPollyEspy?
"
29
"1
think
she's
akeenkid,"
hereplied,
"butI
don'tknowif
you'd
callitlove.Why?
"
30
"Doyou,"
Iasked,"haveanykind
offormal
arrangement
with
her?
Imeanareyougoingsteadyoranythinglikethat?
"
31"No.Weseeeachotherquiteabit,butwebothhaveotherdates.
Why?
"
32
"Is
there,"I
asked,
"anyother
manforwhomshehasaparticular
fondness?
"
33
"NotthatIknowof.Why?
"
34
Inoddedwithsatisfaction."Inotherwords,ifyouwereoutof
thepicture,thefieldwouldbeopen.Isthatright?
"
35
"1guessso.Whatareyougettingat?
"
36
"Nothing,nothing,"Isaidinnocently,andtookmysuitcaseout
ofthecloset.
37
"Whereareyougoing?
"askedPetey.
38
"Homefortheweekend."Ithrewafewthingsintothebag.
39
"Listen,"
hesaid,clutchingmyarmeagerly,"whileyou'rehome,
youcouldn'tgetsomemoneyfromyouroldman,couldyou,andlendit
tomesoIcanbuyaraccooncoat?
"
40
"1maydobetterthanthat,"Isaidwithamysteriouswinkand
closedmybagandleft.
41
"Look,"IsaidtoPeteywhenIgotbackMondaymorning.Ithrew
openthesuitcase
andrevealedthehuge,hairy,
gamyobjectthatmyfather
hadworninhisStutzBearcatin1925.
42
"HolyToledo!
"saidPeteyreverently.Heplungedhishandsinto
theraccooncoatandthenhisface."HolyToledo!
"herepeatedfifteen
ortwentytimes.
43
"Wouldyoulikeit?
"Iasked.
44
"Ohyes!
"
hecried,
clutching
thegreasypelttohim.Thenacanny
lookcameintohiseyes."Whatdoyouwantforit?
"
45
"Yourgirl,"Isaid,mincingnowords.
46
"Polly?
"hesaidinahorrifiedwhisper."YouwantPolly?
"
47
"That'sright."
48
Heflungthecoatfromhim."Never,"hesaidstoutly.
49
Ishrugged."Okay.Ifyoudon'twanttobeintheswim,Iguess
it'syourbusiness."
50
Isatdowninachairandpretendedtoreadabook,butoutof
thecornerofmyeyeIkeptwatchingPetey.Hewasatornman.Firsthe
looked
at
thecoat
withthe
expression
ofawaif
atabakerywindow.Then
heturnedawayandsethisjawresolutely.Thenhelookedbackatthecoat,withevenmorelonginginhisface.Thenheturnedaway,butwith
notsomuchresolutionthistime.Backandforthhisheadswiveled,desirewaxing,resolutionwaning.Finallyhedidn'tturnawayatall;hejust
stoodandstaredwithmadlustatthecoat.
51"Itisn'tasthoughIwasinlovewithPolly,"hesaidthickly.
"Orgoingsteadyoranythinglikethat."
52"That'sright,"Imurmured.
53"What'sPollytome,ormetoPolly?
"
54"Notathing,"saidI.
55"It'sjustbeenacasualkick--justafewlaughs,that'sall."
56"Tryonthecoat,"saidI.
57Heplied.Thecoatbunchedhighoverhisearsanddroppedallthe
waydowntohisshoetops.Helookedlikeamoundofdeadraccoons."Fits
fine,"hesaidhappily.
58Irosefrommychair."Isitadeal?
"Iasked,extendingmyhand.
59Heswallowed."It'sadeal,"hesaidandshookmyhand.
60IhadmyfirstdatewithPollythefollowingevening.Thiswas
inthenatureofasurvey;IwantedtofindoutjusthowmuchworkIhad
todotogetherminduptothestandardIrequired.Itookherfirst
todinner."Gee,thatwasadelish
（=delicious
）dinner,"shesaidas
weleft
the
restaurant.
ThenItook
hertoamovie."Gee,that
wasamarvy
（=marvelous）movie,"shesaidasweleftthetheater.AndthenItook
herhome."Gee,Ihadasensaysh（=sensational）time,"shesaidasshe
bademegoodnight.
61Iwentbacktomyroomwithaheavyheart.Ihadgravely
underestimatedthesizeofmytask.Thisgirl'slackofinformationwas
terrifying.
Norwouldit
beenoughmerely
tosupply
herwith
information
First
shehadto
betaughttothink.
This
loomedasaproject
of
nosmall
dimensions,andatfirstIwastemptedtogiveherbacktoPetey.But
thenIgottothinkingaboutherabundantphysicalcharmsandaboutthe
waysheenteredaroomandthewayshehandledaknifeandfork,andI
decidedtomakeaneffort.
62Iwentaboutit,asinallthings,systematically.Igavehera
course
inlogic.
IthappenedthatI,
asalawstudent,
wastaking
acourse
inlogicmyself,soIhadallthefactsatmyfingertips."Polly,"I
saidtoherwhenIpickedheruponournextdate,"tonightwearegoingovertotheKnollandtalk."
63"0o,terrif（=terrific）,"shereplied.OnethingIwillsayforthisgirl:
youwouldgo
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